« There's a tradition at the | Main | THE LAS VEGAS WORK TRIP FROM HELL »
December 27, 2003
THINGS THAT KICKED ASS IN 2003
Ok, now we're up to things that kicked ass this year. You'll notice a common thread in much of what I enjoy... you may call it a lack of human compassion; my friend Tim says I chase bad karma; I simply call it "digging it when those who deserve it actually get it." Thus... my Top Ten Things That Kicked Ass in 2003.
10. "GIGLI" FLOPS AT THE BOX OFFICE. The public rejected this piece of crap movie. Does this mean that Jennifer Lopez, her prima donna attitude, her ridiculously oversized ass, and most of that stupid moniker "J-Lo" have finally reached the 14:59 mark? Please, God... if you let her dry up and blow away, never to besmirch my TV, radio, or Net connection again, I promise I'll start going to church again.
9. "THE JOE SCHMO SHOW." Admittedly, I've said many times before that I hate reality TV. And on the surface, "Joe Schmo" was a reality show. But it was really satire -- a dead-on parody of every over-the-top, silly reality TV stereotype, and a huge joke on the entire genre. An entire show built around everyone in the show acting out a script except for the one schmuck who thinks he's really on reality TV? Friggin' brilliant.
8. RUSH LIMBAUGH GETS EXPOSED. First, with the Donavan McNabb incident, he was hoist on the petard of the racism that underlies most of his positions. Then, the guy who has consistently called it a character flaw when Democrats or left-leaning public figures struggle with addiction... well, as it turns out, he's an addict himself, and better yet he apparently engaged in quite a bit of illegal activity in order to feed his addictions. Rush Limbaugh's troubles in 2003 kicked ass because they were just one more example of the utter hypocrisy of conservatives, and this one was laid bare in front of the whole world.
7. JESSICA LYNCH CALLS OUT THE BUSH PENTAGON. Speaking of watching conservatives get exposed, how great was it that the Bush/Rumsfeld invented hero herself, Jessica Lynch, admitted on national television that everything about the story the Bush Pentagon said about her rescue was a lie? Bush and Rumsfeld were desperate to distract the public from the fact that there were no WMDs in Iraq, so they invented a hero for their war, complete with inspiring story. There were only two problems: one, their story was a total fiction, and two, their custom-built hero was just too honest to go along with their lies. God bless her.
6. EUROPEAN TRAVELS. Due to work, I spent much of January and February in Europe. There's usually time to explore and go have fun, and I did. So this year, I wrote the speech that was the hit of the world's largest wireless/mobile trade show, and got to walk the streets of Barcelona without having a clue where I was going or having the ability to ask directions. I got to hang out in the same apartment Mel Gibson stays in when he's in Cannes for the Film Festival. I walked the Croisette. I went gambling in Monte Carlo, and drove the Riviera from Cannes to Italy. I drove through the entire country of France, toured Avignon, bought wine from a small vineyard in the heart of Burgundy, and walked the Champs d'Elysees while fighting off the effects of food poisoning. I worked my ass off in the first few months of 2003, and my reward was seeing things I never thought I'd see, and doing things I never dreamed of doing. Not bad.
5. ROGER CLEMENS' EXIT. I've had my issues with the Rocket since he left Boston. And yes, he finished his career with those damned Yankees. But Roger Clemens' last moments on a baseball diamond -- if they indeed were his last -- were the stuff of legend. If you love baseball, you loved that moment. Fittingly, he struck out the last batter he ever faced ... and in a World Series game. As he walked off the field in an opponent's stadium, the crowd rose as one, flash bulbs illuminating the night and a deafening roar filling the air.
But it wasn't just the fans that rose in salute; the Florida Marlins stood at the edge of their dugout and applauded right along with the crowd, in a show of respect for the finest pitcher of his generation and one of the five best ever to play the game. Visibly moved, Clemens touched his glove to his heart and saluted the Marlins back, and then tipped his Yankee cap to the Florida fans. The fans of south Florida got to express what every baseball fan was feeling at that moment: love him or hate him, we will not see the likes of Roger Clemens again. If you didn't like that moment, then you're not a baseball fan.
4. SPENDING TIME IN SOUTH FLORIDA. Okay, so as it ended up, I didn't get the girl. Sure, that still stings a bit. And absolutely, I miss the area more than I ever realized I would. But even so, I still got to spend the better part of the year taking my weekends on the Palm Coast, learning how to relax again, rediscovering country music, regaining a sense of perspective about what's really important in life, hanging out with a girl I was crazy about, and pretty much living out life as a Jimmy Buffett song every weekend. Not a bad way to spend a year -- and if I had it to do all over again, I would in a heartbeat.
3. THE RED SOX RUN. Even with the way it ended (Aaron Bleeping Boone, Grady "Gump" Little), the fact is that the Red Sox were a half inning from not only getting to the World Series, but getting there through the Yankees. There was the fun of the pennant race in September, the sheer adrenalin of the comeback win in the ALDS, Trot Nixon's Game 3 home run, the fantastic visual of Pedro Martinez dropping that old coot Zimmer… and best of all, the realization that we really are just as good as those bastards from the Bronx, and it is indeed very possible that we can beat them in 2004. We're right there in the hunt, and that's not just the same old Red Sox hope against hope. This time, it's realistic, and for that reason, despite its excruciating end, the Sox' 2003 season kicked ass.
2. MY FAMILY'S HEALTH. Two years ago at Christmas, we were dealing with a health scare from my dad. Last year at this time, my mom had only just gotten out of the hospital, and had a long and uncertain road to recovery ahead of her. For the last two holiday seasons, we've had to at least consider that it might be the last one we'd ever spend with all four of us together.
This year, my dad's been in the best health of his life. He works out three times a week and looks better than I have seen him in 20 years. My mom seems to have fully recovered, has resumed her normal life, and shows no sign of recurring problems. This year, all of our family conversations have been about happy subjects; things have returned to normal. I don't know if I believe in a Higher Power, but if there was ever going to be a reason for me to do so, it's how my parents fared in 2003.
1. THE YANKEES LOSE ON THEIR OWN DAMN FIELD. If the devil himself had come to me in April and made me an offer: in exchange for my soul, I could watch the Yankees lose the World Series to a team that the entire Tri-State area smugly dismissed, that George Steinbrenner had outspent more than two to one, and in such a fashion that exposed the Yankees' increasing age and vulnerability to time, I would have strongly considered it.
If he'd added to it by agreeing to have the Series' last game happen in Yankee Stadium, so that both the Yankees AND their smug, arrogant, overconfident fans would have to watch another team celebrate a world championship on their own field, well, I would have shaken his hand and said, "Where do I sign?"
Ain't it cool that I got to keep my soul, and it happened anyway? Ain't it cool that the Marlins rubbed the damn noses of both the Yankees and their arrogant, smug fans in the dirt? Didn't t it kick ass to see Josh Beckett make that tag on the first base line? Didn't it kick ass to see a Marlins' victory pile on the Yankee Stadium infield?
Oh, *hell* yeah!
COMING SOON: MY TOP TEN GOALS FOR 2004.
