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January 12, 2004
THE LAS VEGAS WORK TRIP FROM HELL
So I'm in Las Vegas right now, a city I have never been a fan of - despite the beauty of the mountains around it, the idea of an entire city deciding that it wants to be Times Square is more than a little revolting. Worse still, I'm here for work, which is never a good thing. So far, it's been the trip from hell that I knew it would be. Let me count the ways...
1) I was in my office Saturday night until 2:00 am - needed to be in the office because I needed to print the speech my boss is giving, and since he was already in Vegas and was three hours ahead, when he wanted to work on it at 10 pm his time, it was 1 am my time. Couldn't leave till I printed the speeech, and couldn't print until he was finished editing. This would have been fine except for that I needed to be up at 6:00 am to get ready & drive to JFK.
2) The plane was jammed. I got an aisle seat, which was good. The man sitting in the middle seat between me and the window was a large man. This was not good. See, I myself am larger than I should be, and if you put two 250 pound men next to each other in seats designed for 160 pound men, and then make them fly 5 hours straight together, they are both going to be uncomfortable.
3) If this guy was merely big boned, I would have had less problem. But you know how, since the airlines are not serving food anymore, some people bring their own? This guy brought a damn buffet. Worse yet, he struck my rawest nerve... he was a grown man who did not know how to close his mouth while eating. The whole flight, I was serenaded with a chorus of lip smacks, sucked teeth, inhaling while scarfing something down, and my pet peeve, chewing with his damn mouth open. I have never understood how someone gets to even be 12 without learning how to eat properly. And of course, I had to sit next to the pork chop for five hours, with his eating in my ear. I swear I may have crumbs in my hair from this moron.
4) We get off the plane, and there's this woman holding up a sign and looking for someone; clearly she is a driver. It's also clear that driving is her second occupation; her first is in the adult entertainment industry, because she had implants the size of planets in her chest. I am not exaggerating - they made Dolly Parton's breasts look like Kate Moss. I swear, I have no idea how she walked or even stood; the laws of gravity and distribution of weight should dictate that she fall flat on her face without ever making it wholly upright. I'm not talking naturally big - I am talking GG's, at least. The elephant man's bride didn't look like this. And yet somehow, she did that to herself and feels attractive; and clearly, somewhere there are men who think so too, since she still has 'em. She must make a living somewhere. Then again, she was driving a limo too...
5) The lunch they had set up was one of those ridiculous deals where they force you to just sit at the first open spot at the next open table - whether you know anyone there or not. The intent, I suppose, is to encourage mingling - but all it does is guarantee that total strangers end up staring at one another in awkward silence as they eat.
6) For the "main event," the big sales rally, the company hired Michael Buffer to come in and MC. You know, that guy has an amazing gig. People pay him ridiculous amounts of money to show up someplace for 30 minutes and yell, "LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLE!" I mean, he's in his late 50s - what else was he going to be doing on a Sunday afternoon? Extreme mountain biking? No, this guy gets paid more in one night than I am in a month to get out of the boring house, put on a tux, stride to the ring, utter 30 seconds worth of catch phrases ("so now... for the thousands in attendance... and the MILLIONS watching at home..."), collect his check and go home. Must be rough, huh?
7) Tonight, after my last meeting adjourned at 11, I had to take a brain break, so I walked around the MGM Grand for 20 minutes before returning to my room. The other cruel trick they play on you is randomly assigning you roommates to share rooms and drop the hotel costs to the corporation. As always when they do this... I am stuck with a snorer. I am not joking, there are tidal waves threatening the Australian coast because of this guy. I never thought I'd meet anyone who made my friend Jay sound quiet... this guy, however, makes Jay seem a regular churchmouse. What did I do to deserve this?
8) FInally, the worst part of this trip... wait for it... is that it's only Day One! I get to do this all again tomorrow! Yipppeee!!!
