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February 16, 2004
PRESIDENT'S DAY THE GEORGE W. BUSH WAY
So today is President's Day... which means, besides me getting a well-deserved day off of work, that I'm supposed to be thinking about the men who have led our country since 1789. A useful exercise, since our current "leader" ranks close to dead last in both intellectual capacity and benefit to the nation. But I digress. I decided to think about how what we know about other American presidents might be different if they had chosen to behave like George W. Bush. Here's a few ideas:
George Washington: "I cannot tell a lie... the Spanish chopped this tree down. Not only did the Spanish chop down this cherry tree, but they possess hundreds - if not thousands - of axes, ready to chop down all the freedom-loving American cherry trees. In fact, we know that the Spaniards have tried to acquire yelllowcake ash wood, which we all know they would use to build handles for axes of mass destruction. So the Spanish represent a threat to the American way of life, and must be stopped. I propose we send US troops to Spain to remove the King from power. Wait... what's that you say? The British are the ones who attacked us? And you think that we ought to be fighting them instead? But the Spanish have axes! Do you not understand the threat from Spanish axes? They could deploy those axes in 45 minutes against American cherry trees, and then where would we be? See, you just aren't patriotic. Shut up, you liberal!"
Abraham Lincoln: "Four score and seven tax cuts ago, our fathers - no, not your fathers, you middle-class jokester; our fathers, us rich white guys from privleged families - brought forth on this continent a new economic structure, conceived in greed and dedicated to the proposition that rich men are created better than everyone else and should be allowed tax breaks to stay that way. Now we are engaged in a record budget deficit, testing whether this economy - or any economy so staggered to benefit the wealthy - can long endure... It is for us the wealthy rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who were born into privlege have thus far so shamefully advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from my tax cuts for the rich we take increased devotion to that cause for which my and Dick Cheney's rich friends gave the last full measure of devotion -- allowing us to rack up a $130 million war chest. We here highly resolve that the rich shall not be rich in vain, that this nation under God (no, not your God, silly... I'm talking specifically about my God) shall have a new birth of offshore incorporations, and that government of the people, by the rich, for our own benefit, shall not perish from the earth."
Teddy Roosevelt: "Speak stupidly, and carry a big stick."
Woodrow Wilson: "We must create a League of Nations, and use its judgements as justification as to why another country should be invaded. But when the League of Nations disagrees with us and says that a case for war has not been made, we should ignore and belittle the League of Nations at every turn, taking great care to offend and alienate every other nation on the planet."
Franklin Roosevelt: "In the future days, which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms. The first is freedom of speech and expression -- everywhere in the world... except in America if you want to critize me or my war effort, in which case we'll brand you unpatriotic, and encourage a climate in which your are intimidated into shutting your mouth. The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way -- as long as it's my God, and it's the way that my evangelical friends and I say you should worship Him. The third is freedom from want. . . everywhere in the world. Because my tax cuts for the rich will mean that the rich will spend more, and that will trickle down to you! What? They're not spending it, they're offshoring jobs and incorporating in Bermuda instead? Shut up, you liberal! The fourth is freedom from fear. . . anywhere in the world. Unless you're an American citizen whose politics or affliliations I don't like... in which case, I'm gonna have Ashcroft use the Patriot Act to violate your privacy and make you afraid that you're being watched or could be brought in for questioning at any time."
Bill Clinton: "My father did not... have... diplomatic relations with that tyrant - Mr. Hussein."
