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March 23, 2004
SILLY WABBIT... CUD IS FOR COWS
I've alluded to this once or twice in writing here, but it's far more obvious when you know me in person that my biggest pet peeve in the world is grown adults who have not yet learned the basics of table manners. Nothing sets me off faster and makes me grind my teeth in utter contempt as someone who doesn't keep their mouth closed while eating, or manages to smack their lips or suck their teeth in the process of eating. (Although, people who are so rude that they will not stop eating while they're on the phone are a damn close second -- and I have seen that happen around our office more times than I can count.) I'm not talking about the occasional crunching apple or sound that escapes while a normal person is enjoying a meal; I am talking about those rude bastards who were never taught as children that polite people close their mouths when chewing.
You might suggest that it's a simple fact that people make noise when they eat, and I am being oversensitive... and perhaps you're right. Be that as it may, the curmudgeon's handbook has a chapter that specifically says that we're allowed to hold things against people that they can't help. So it is that I just go on edge when I hear people making unnecessary eating noises. (Gosh, it's a wonder that an easygoing charmer like me is still single, ain't it kids?)
I bring all this up because we had a whole bunch of people from our other offices visiting today... one of the ironies of my recent "move up" within the company is that I went from having my own semi-private office to being placed in the middle of a cube farm - real important, aren't I? Anyway, the cube nearest to me was vacant today -- its occupant is one of our telecommuters who is only in the actual office two days each week, working from home the other three days -- and so one of our visitors was given that space for the day.
I will never know how it is that someone gets into their 30s and becomes a professional and upstanding member of society in every other respect without learning how to chew gum quietly. The woman who took that seat is a former colleague; I like her, she's a good worker and a nice person, and I looked forward to being able to schmooze with her during the day... until she popped in the first piece of gum at around 10 am. I kid you not, there are 9 year olds with better gum etiquette. I don't think she closed her mouth the rest of the day... chomping and snapping and popping... I felt like I could almost see her behind my cube wall, twirling it around her finger like some junior high schooler.
My usual recourse when dealing with a loud eater, since I am physically incapable of concentrating or working when someone is doing this near me, is to break out my headphones and CRANK the iTunes or Net radio loud enough to drown out all outside sound. Which is what I did today... and do you believe it, at one point she actually came over to my cube and complained that my music (from inside the headphones) was too loud? I was this close to throttling her and saying, "IF YOU COULD CHEW GUM LIKE A HUMAN BEING AND NOT A COW, MAYBE I COULD TURN MY VOLUME DOWN! UNTIL THEN, HOPE YOU LIKE SYSTEM OF A DOWN!"
I tell you... there are days when I wish I was Agent Smith in "The Matrix" and could just make some people's mouths disappear.
