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March 25, 2004
THE VISUAL ALONE IS PYTHON-ESQUE
You know, there are few headlines in the world that you just don't expect to ever see. You know, things like "Mike Tyson Saves Oprhans From Fire." Or "OJ Finds Real Killer." Or "George Wendt: The Playgirl Pictorial."
There's one other that I had to remove from this list -- it's not one I don't expect to see anymore, becaise I have seen it. "Exercise Guru Richard Simmons Cited For Assault."
Yes, kids, it's true: Richard Simmons has been cited for misdemeanor assault. Of course, this being Richard Simmons, it's not exactly how it sounds. Most of us hear "assault," and we think right hooks to the jaw or left crosses to the chin. Richard? He bitch-slaps.
The man "made the off-hand comment, 'Hey, everybody. It's Richard Simmons. Let's drop our bags and rock to the '50s,"' said Phoenix police Sgt. Tom Osborne. "Mr. Simmons took exception to it and walked over to the other passenger and apparently slapped him in the face."
Why do I suddenly get a mental image of Monica and Rachel slap-fighting on "Friends?" Or of a Monty Python skit? And what about Simmons' victim? How would you like to go through life as The Guy Who Got Bitch-Slapped By Richard Simmons? I mean, that guy's masculinity is in serious question. He might as well lace up his corset and snap his garters on... how do you be less masculine than Richard Simmons?
As for Simmons, there's no confirmation that he's angling for a cage match with Carson Kressley.
