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May 31, 2004
MEMORIAL DAY
Today is the day set aside for us to remember the American heroes who have fallen in service of our country. It's a cliche to complain about how the day's become a commercialized excuse for barbecue and how the true meaning's been lost. Not only is it cliche, but I think the criticism is invalid. The beginning of summer -- and the trips to the shore, the family picnics, and the barbecues that go with it -- is as deeply ingrained a part of American culture as fireworks on the 4th of July or a Norman Rockwell painting.
I'm struck this year by the differences between our culture and the culture of the extremists who have chosen to make themselves our enemy. They've taken great pleasure in trying to convey to us that they have no respect for life, and celebrate death. This is supposed to make us afraid of them. It doesn't.
It doesn't take a whole lot of bravery to blow oneself up in an attempt to kill as many civilians as possible, marking victims for death for the simple crime of chance -- they happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time; all that takes is cowardice. It doesn't take heroism to fight for a cause whose aim is simply to incite fear in those who worship a different god; all that takes is fanaticism. And it doesn't take courage to give up one's life in service of that cause when one has nothing to lose; all that takes is being too simple minded to fight off attempts at manipulation by evil minds.
But in America, we have our own martyrs. No suicide bombers in the United States of America -- our heroes are too brave for that kind of cowardice. Our guys have thrown themselves on grenades... blowing themselves up not to take dozens of innocent lives, but to save the life of one friend in a foxhole. Our guys have stormed beaches in Normandy and Iwo Jima knowing that they would never leave the beach... but believing so deeply in the cause of freedom that they never flinched in the face of that terrible duty. American soldiers have fought and died on the shores and seas and fields of nations they might not even have known existed until they faced their mission... and they have done so in willing sacrifice so that future generations that would never even know their names would live in peace and freedom.
But the biggest difference between the American military and our current enemies is this: the sacrifice has been greater, because the freedom America is founded upon also provides opportunity like nowhere else. Our soldiers and sailors and Marines and airmen have given up rich, rewarding lives full of years of relative comfort, the gold watch, the picket fence and the home with the yard all its own... baseball games on the radio... and Christmas mornings with excited kids exclaiming in wonder that Santa really did come. Our military's sacrifices have meant children who were never born, wives who were never married, Passovers never again celebrated, and Thanksgiving Day football games never watched. These men and women never took trips to the shore or enjoyed family picnics and barbecues on Memorial Day.
Some may call it arrogant to say so, but for all of our troubles and foibles, being an American comes with a greater set of privileges than citizenship of any other nation. Being an American is, quite simply, membership in the very best club of them all; the only qualification for membership is a commitment to freedom. And when the times have come -- as they have, time and sad time again throughout our history -- to demonstrate that commitment, our young men and women have answered the call, willingly cashing in their memberships so that unknown others might someday join. Americans have the most to lose... and yet we're the fastest to give it up when we must. We love our freedom that much, and we treasure the fact that this freedom will endure long after any of us have ceased to be. That's something to remember, honor, and celebrate.
Despite the mistakes we make -- and we do make them, we're only human -- being American means something, still. The most beautiful part of all is that we each have the freedom to determine that meaning for ourselves, and to put it into practice in our own way. In military cemeteries in Normandy, Arlington, Belgium, Italy, Hawaii, Japan, and countless other places around the world, Americans lie whose names I will never know. These men and women chose to put it into practice by making the supreme sacrifice, so that I might someday decide how to put it into practice for myself. That they would never know my name or anything about my life was not important to them; they did it anyway. All I can say to them, today and every day... is thank you.
DESPERATION STRIKES AGAIN
When will the women of the world understand that holding out on their men is cruel and unusual punishment? Look what it drove this guy to do!
A 50-year-old Zambian man has hanged himself after his wife found him having sex with a hen, police said Friday. The woman caught him in the act when she rushed into their house to investigate a noise.
"He attempted to kill her but she managed to escape," a police spokesman said.
The man from the town of Chongwe, about 30 mile east of Lusaka, killed himself after being admonished by other villagers. The hen was slaughtered after the incident.
With a hen??? Is that what they mean by "henpecked?"
WHEN'S THE IMPEACHMENT?
Question for you: how is it not an illegal conflict of interest when Dick Cheney arranged for his old company to get a no-bid contract for work in Iraq?
People in the private sector get indicted and sent to jail for activity like this. Dick Cheney calls it business as usual. That son of a bitch ought to be in a federal prison. He's Spiro Agnew for a new generation, and is a disgrace to the office he holds. How sad that Bush promised to "restore honor" to the White House, and instead, he has populated it with the most crooked bunch of liars and criminals ever to hold office in the United States.
And just in case you had any doubt that the Iraq invasion was about a Bush family vendetta, we get this little tidbit:
A handgun that Saddam Hussein was clutching when U.S. forces captured him in a hole in Iraq last December is now kept by President Bush at the White House, a spokesman confirmed on Sunday... Bush shows Saddam's gun to select visitors, telling them it is unloaded, both now and when Saddam was captured, Time reported.
800+ Americans have died in Iraq, and Bush treats it like a carnival at which he can collect trophies like so many stuffed animals. What a cowardly little punk. Hey Bushie... how 'bout next time, you just go to Six Flags and spend three hours tossing dimes into milk bottles to win your prize? The price of admission is just a bit less at the amusement park.
THE DISGRACE THAT IS THE BUSH RE-ELECTION EFFORT
Must reading here. The Washington Post today ran an article that highlights the simple fact that George W. Bush is running the dirtiest, most negative, and most untruthful campaign in American political history.
Bush's $200 million war chest figures to buy a lot of ads... and so far, analysts have found that fully 75% of the Bush ads produced so far are negative -- anti-Kerry ads.
Three-quarters of the ads aired by Bush's campaign have been attacks on Kerry. Bush so far has aired 49,050 negative ads in the top 100 markets, or 75 percent of his advertising. Kerry has run 13,336 negative ads -- or 27 percent of his total. The figures were compiled by The Washington Post using data from the Campaign Media Analysis Group of the top 100 U.S. markets. Both campaigns said the figures are accurate.
49,050 ads telling people how bad his opponent is. 75% of his ads are negative. After three and a half years in office, George W. Bush has accomplished so little, has such an abysmal track record, that he can't even spend 1/4 of his campaign money talking to you about what he's done for you. His entire strategy is to make you afraid of the other guy. Then again, I don't know why I'm surprised... George Bush's whole presidency has been about making you afraid. Afraid that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction... that he was ready to use on US soldiers. (He didn't.) Afraid that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. (He didn't.) Afraid that criticizing him might somehow undermine our armed forces. (It doesn't.)
But there's something even more disgraceful and pathetic than the fact that Bush won't even run on his own record. It's the fact that all these negative ads he's running? They're lies. They are documented untruths.
The charges [are] all tough, serious -- and wrong, or at least highly misleading. Kerry did not question the war on terrorism, has proposed repealing tax cuts only for those earning more than $200,000, supports wiretaps, has not endorsed a 50-cent gasoline tax increase in 10 years, and continues to support the education changes, albeit with modifications.
Scholars and political strategists say the ferocious Bush assault on Kerry this spring has been extraordinary, both for the volume of attacks and for the liberties the president and his campaign have taken with the facts. Though stretching the truth is hardly new in a political campaign, they say the volume of negative charges is unprecedented -- both in speeches and in advertising.
Not only is George W. Bush afraid to run on his own record -- afraid to tell you what he's done to you over the last four years, what he'd do to you in the next four, and how badly he has shredded American credibility and prestige around the world. He's afraid to even tell you the truth about his opponent. He can't win on his own record. He can't win against the opponent's real record. So he has to lie and make up statements from John Kerry to try and scare you into voting for him.
This man will clearly say anything, do anything, stoop to any level in order to keep the office he and his minions stole from us in November 2000. He's capable of anything -- I'll go on record one more time with my belief that Bush knows exactly where bin Laden is, or even already has him captured, and is just waiting for October to spring his "capture" on us to try and October Surprise his way back into office. George W. Bush is the biggest disgrace in the history of the presidency of the United States of America. What baffles me is how anyone could even consider voting for this embarassment of a human being.
May 26, 2004
STUPIDITY ON ICE
Having grown up in Minnesota, I have always had a fondness for hockey. The Stanley Cup finals began yesterday... and for the first time in ten years, the championship series features a Canadian team. The two cities involved, Calgary and Tampa, are small market and won't drive ratings; the league is also facing its lowest ratings ever for the regular season. Fighting baseball, basketball, and football doesn't help... and the NHL is also a victim of its own overexpansion into markets that just don't deserve or need hockey. (I've always maintained that if the ice machine inside broke, if you couldn't just go play the game outside, then the city doesn't deserve a hockey team. This means you, L.A., Phoenix, Dallas, Tampa, Atlanta, Nashville, North Carolina, and San Jose.)
So facing dire challenges, on the day when his sport takes its place on its biggest stage, what does NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman do? Does he talk about the history and tradition of Lord Stanley's cup? Does he talk about emerging superstars Jerome Iginla and Martin St. Louis playing in their first finals? Does he talk about how great it is that a Canadian team is finally back in the championship? Does he do anything to positively sell his sport? Nope. Gary Bettman threatens players and fans with a work stoppage.
"I don't doubt the players' resolve... but nobody should doubt the owners' resolve," Bettman said. "If this is a test to see if the owners really mean it, it's a shame to have to go through all the hardship that will entail to prove the point. We'd rather not have to go through that."
With an opportunity to promote his sport during the only two weeks when most American fans are paying attention, Bettman chose to toss cold water into the face of the fans, threatening a lockout. If there's one thing sports fans have proven, it's that they don't have patience for labor problems in their sports anymore. And it speaks terribly poorly for Bettman that he would prefer to jockey for bargaining position than do the promotion that his sport desperately needs. Bettman should be forced to resign.
NOT TO BELABOR THE CAR POINT, BUT...
Just when you thought we'd settled the issue of BMWs vs. Porsches... here's a new report that finds that Porsche drivers are unfaithful more often than drivers of any other car.
Hm. They had sex less often than any other driver... but they fool around on the side more often. Anyone see a connection?
PICTURES FROM THE TRIP
Not that I have any photos of the most interesting moments of the trip... and not that you're interested in any of the less interesting ones... but here's a couple from this past week's vacation. The first is of myself, Hamish and Damian at the Golden Gate National Recreation Area; the second is the bridge itself. The picture of the boys was taken about 2 hours after we'd landed last Wednesday... this is as clear-headed as we were all week.
(By the way, I know what you're thinking... "That's the Mudge?" Yep, that's me, in all my pudgy glory. One thing I've realized while looking at these pictures is that it is definitely time to lose some weight.)
A QUICK OBSERVATION
So for the two weeks here in New York, before I left for California, I was sick as a dog with a sinus/cold thing that just would not go away. Stuffed head, pressure behind my eyes, cough, aches... the works. I left New York, and felt great for six days. I've been back for about 30 hours now, and already I am once again sick as a dog. Out of New York: healthy. In New York: sick. Coincidence?
Allergies, you say? Yeah, I think you're right. I am allergic to New York.
May 25, 2004
REASON NUMBER 13,476,908,787 WHY REPUBLICANS ARE HYPOCRITICAL IDIOTS
So Tom DeLay thinks Nancy Pelosi should apologize for making personal attack remarks against George Bush. He says, and I quote, "Nancy Pelosi should apologize for her irresponsible, dangerous rhetoric... she apparently is so caught up in partisan hatred for President Bush that her words are putting American lives at risk."
Hm. Forgetting for a moment that it's Bush & the neocons who put our troops into harm's way, sending them to Iraq on a path paved with the Administration's lies, deceptions, and deliberate exaggerations... let's just take a look at Tom DeLay the public speaker, shall we?
"This morning, in a calculated and craven political stunt, the national Democrat Party declared its surrender in the war on terror," said Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Tex.). "Out of sheer, brazen partisanship," House Democrats have "undermined our troops." -- Washington Post, May 16, 2004
"Regulation is a job-killing, career-stagnating menace that is really just taxation's evil twin," DeLay said. "All you have to do is imagine the Internal Revenue Code dressed in black with an eye patch, and you've got the federal register." Press Release, May 18, 2004
"I'm just glad President Carter wasn't in charge after Valley Forge, Bull Run, or Pearl Harbor. Unfortunately, this is becoming a dangerous pattern," DeLay said. "Democrat leaders continue to undermine our troops and our coalition's ability to win the war and bring peace and stability to the Middle East." -- Press release, April 9, 2004
"You know, the Democrats want to balance the budget by raising spending and raising taxes. The Soviet Union had a balanced budget." -- Meet the Press, December 23, 2003
The Environmental Protection Agency is "the Gestapo of Government." Congressional Quarterly, 1995, quoted in Mother Jones, 1996
Hmm... let's see. Saying that the president is incompetent is "surrendering in the war on terror?" Regulation is "evil?" Democrats who profess hope for peaceful solutions to world flashpoints are "undermining troops?" Calling Democrats Communists because they want to balance the budget? (Wait a second... wasn't a balanced budget amendment part of the Contract on America back in 1994, when the Republicans took power? How can something be a promise to the American people in 1994, and a Communist idea in 2004?) Likening the EPA to the Gestapo?
And yet this guy has the balls to stand up and complain about partisan attacks and dangerous rhetoric.
Tom DeLay is a bigger threat to the American Constitution and the American people than any Communist ever was. In fact, if he wants partisan rhetoric, how about this? I'll go one further: Tom DeLay presents a greater danger to America than Saddam Hussein ever did.
HOME AGAIN
It's going on 2:30 am EDT, and yet it feels like only 11:30 pm. I have a very important meeting first thing in the morning at work -- literally first thing, at 8:30 -- and I need to get some rest and be sharp for it. But it's not happening - the time zone thing has gotten me and I'm not yet sleepy. So I guess I'll just have to blog... we're home.
The weekend was, in Damian's words, "legendary." First, the important matter -- Dave did indeed actually tie the knot, and the wedding -- which took place at the Mountain Winery --was beautiful. The view from the terrace was truly breathtaking, and the reception was epic.
The remainder of the weekend, I can only describe as surreal. No time to get into details, but among the things it involved were: alcohol; performing heroic acts of good samaritanism; Play Station 2 baseball; Cuban cigars; windy, white-knuckle mountain roads with no guard rails; an unexpected stint as the emcee of the reception; more alcohol; dancing like idiots; a run at 12:30 am to a $1.5 million house; a game of darts with a very interesting side bet which paid off when, for the first time in my life, I hit a bullseye after saying I was going to get a bullseye; more alcohol; a hot tub; not having swimsuits with us; that fact not mattering; a barefoot, 5:00 am run through a 24 hour Safeway because we were hungry and no fast food was open; pastrami and salami sandwiches at 5:45 am; waking up and realizing that virtually no one had retrieved their complete set of clothes and belongings from the night before -- either on our end or at the other house -- and most of us had at least one item of clothing that wasn't ours; frenzied meetings to exchange clothes, cellphones, shoes, watches, keys, and whatever else we needed to...
A breathtaking drive into the mountains -- while driving a cherry 2005 Mustang with only 9 miles on it when we got it; winery tours; wine tastings; gawking at a Ferrari in the parking lot; meeting its owner and his girlfriend (who looked like the kind of woman that a guy who drives a Ferrari gets to date) inside at the tasting; striking up a friendship with said couple; being invited to go have dinner with them at some fancy restaurant where the guy knew the maitre'd very well; realizing that not only had the girlfriend made some silicone maker and some surgeon very wealthy, but that she was very proud of her investment and had a penchant for frequently displaying the results to the world (or at least us) right there on the outdoor terrace -- leaving nothing to the imagination; having the entire meal paid for by some corporate VP we also met who paid for the meal for 7 of us in exchange for being able to drive the Ferrari; more Cuban cigars; more alcohol; a frenzied rush to clean up Dave's house in the hour before we had to leave for the airport... and a late night return to New York with an inability to sleep upon finally getting into my own bed.
Along the way, I also pretty much wrote -- in my head -- my entire novel. This week presented a complete inspiration to me, and the plot, characters and storyline all assembled in my brain over the last 40 hours or so. I'm actually excited to start writing it - the other one I'd been working on is hereby thrown out.
All in all... an amazing week, one with many stories that I will not share with you... but that have truly joined the pantheon, as Damian suggested, of legendary runs for our old crew. (By the way, check out Hamish's profile here -- he is producing and directing TV commercials in Australia... and be sure to sample some of his company's work while you're on their site.)
Back to the real world tomorrow... and back to blogging on real things tomorrow. Thanks for indulging me the vacation, everyone.
May 21, 2004
HELLO FROM THE LEFT COAST
Greetings, kids. We have a little bit of down time this afternoon, so Dave suggested that I let you know how the trip's going.
Actually, you're in for a treat, because I have a co-author today. My buddy Damian is here helping me co-write. Damian's a reporter -- you know, one of those real writers who didn't sell out to some corporate behemoth and actually gets to put his name on what he writes (without even having a blog)-- so the quality of the writing is likely about to go way up. He'll pitch in some thoughts from time to time. (By the way, if you want to read his work or are interested in the goings-on in the Capital District of upstate New York, check out Damian's paper, the Spotlight, here.)
So... the trip. We're about halfway into this little vacation -- which seems weird since we've been looking forward to it for so long now -- and it's been the time of my life catching up with everyone. Dave, obviously, is here -- as is Damian, and our friend Hamish even flew up from Australia for the big event. So it's just like Boston, circa 1997-1998. Well, not exactly like Boston. One of the most striking things we all noticed virtually right away is that none of us can party as hard as we used to -- our rapidly aging bodies just aren't up to what we used to put them through in grad school.
Damian: This is the Great Liver Rebellion of 2004. I guess the next stop for us is prune juice. Actually, it's nice to feel what it's like to see these guys and NOT be loaded up all the time.
We landed in San Francisco on Wednesday around 12:45, Dave and Hamish picked us up, and our first stop -- naturally -- was a microbrewery. After that was a couple of rounds in Chinatown. I got a couple of great shots of us that I'll post when I get the pictures developed, hanging out at the Golden Gate National Recreational Area. Then it was off to Pier 39, where we had some great appetizers and martinis at Neptune's Palace,which has probably the best view of any restaurant I've ever eaten in. After kicking around for a while in our hotel lounge just catching up, we were off to Top of the Mark atop Nob Hill -- which has another great view.
I tried to convince Damian to tell a few stories about Wednesday evening. His reponse is below.
Damian: The Bill of Rights in the United States Constitution includes the fifth amendment. The amendment guarantees that a person is safe from self-incrimination. If someone does something that could get him or her in a great deal of trouble later then that person does not have to admit what they have done.
I will exercise that right now.
But really, the nightlife here is fantastic. You can have as much fun as you want, and the only downer is the bars close at two. Everything else is all good. I recommend this pretty city to everyone who has never been, and if I meet any of you who have, we'll be sure and swap some stories.
Have wonderful lives, all of you. Cheers.
Well, Damian's reticence gives you a sense of how out of hand we tried to get. We even wandered into a gay bar -- one of Dave's friends was deejaying and so we got free drinks and free time at the pool table, and the promise of free anything usually will serve as an overriding factor for any situational awkwardness we might otherwise feel. So we pretty much sampled the entire breadth of San Francisco nightlife - from loudly annoying the hoidy-toidy set at the Top of the Mark, to loudly annoying the gay and kitschy set somewhere in a part of the city I doubt I will see again.
The problem was... while all-nighters were a part of the curriculum back at Boston University, we're all older now. I'm the grand old man, turning 36 very soon... but even Hamish is now 28. And none of us can stay out all night partying anymore. Not only did we give up and pile sleepily into a cab around 2:30, but when we woke the next morning around 10, none of us were exactly feeling like hitting the town all that hard. So we straggled out on Thursday, taking it very easy, having a light seafood lunch elsewhere on Pier 39 (lots of seafood in this town!) before heading onto the ferry for Alcatraz. (Note to readers: if you should ever be in a group of people who have been fighting off headaches and queasiness all day, the proper course of action is not to go on a 1 1/2 mile boat ride through very choppy waters to get to an island that smells like bird droppings.) Despite the brutality of that ferry ride, we enjoyed Alcatraz immensely, and I have more great pictures from that jaunt that I'll share.
No one felt up to going nuts last night, so we wussed out... after a quiet dinner, we went to a theater and saw Van Helsing -- I thought it was over the top corny, but Hamish and Damian seemed to enjoy it. After the movie, we walked through the red light district, just to say we had done it... lots of "massage" and "heated bath" places we passed by... and the denizens of this neighborhood are some interesting folks indeed. We got back to the hotel by 11 or so, and though we intended to stay up watching cable movies ("28 Days Later" was on), we were all pretty much asleep by 12:30.
Today, we left San Francisco for the somewhat warmer climes of the southern Bay area... we're in Los Gatos, CA today -- where we'll be for the remainder of the trip. The rental place got me a sweet 2005 Mustang that we're driving around in... We barbecued up some chicken for mid-afternoon, and we're going to relax at home before the rehearsal dinner this evening... after which we're going out for a nightcap -- ONE drink -- in downtown Los Gatos before heading back to Dave's for the big day tomorrow. All the rest of us - Damian, Hamish, and I - have expressed the same feeling: we're thrilled for Dave (Carrie is a catch and a half), we are shocked that we've passed into a new part of adulthood, and in a way we wouldn't want to go back. (The places we eat are much nicer, we're driving nicer cars... being a grown-up ain't so bad.) But at the same time, we remember each other as irresponsible party boys who somehow managed to fit grad school in between all the parties and bars and pool halls and Fenway Park... and it's weird seeing how much we've all changed.
After the wedding tomorrow, we're heading to Napa Valley on Sunday for a wine country tour. Then it's home on Monday. So - I'll probably be back on writing something on maybe Tuesday night. Hope you're all doing well, my friends. Have a great weekend.
May 19, 2004
VACATION
Okay, I know I just got my computer back up and running, and thus haven't blogged in almost a week. But I'm leaving in about 7 hours for the San Francisco Bay Area and my friend Dave's wedding... won't be back until next Tuesday. Not taking the computer with me for this one, either -- am totally unplugging my brain for a change. I fully expect to regress into juvenility for the next five days. And I'm going to love every minute of it.
Have a great week, everyone... be safe, don't do anything I'd do, and I'll be back with you next week.
SHORT AND TO THE POINT
If there is any justice in the world, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin -- the most self-absorbed and foolish parents since Frank Zappa cursed his children Moon Unit and Dweezil -- will perish in a domestic violence situation thirteen years from now, when their daughter Apple returns home from yet another day of being taunted at school... and goes looking for them with an Uzi.
Apple? Apple? And worse yet, with her last name... tell me that kid's not going to go through life as "Apple Martini?" These two idiots should be banned from having more kids, based solely on what they named this one. What's next? Tanqua Ray Gina Martin? Jack Daniel Martin? Prune Martin?
What a bunch of idiots. The British can keep Gwyneth. Please.
THE BIG UNIT COMES UP PERFECT
Randy Johnson, the man they call "The Big Unit," may well have the worst nickname in sports history (what's next, John "Man Breasts" Kruk? Kirby "Protruding Ass" Puckett? Why would you give a guy named "Johnson" a nickname like "Big Unit?"). However, he is one of the best pitchers of his generation. And tonight, he did something that's been accomplished only 15 times now in more than 150,000 games played in the modern era of baseball: he threw a perfect game. 27 men up, 27 men out. No hits, no walks, no errors... no one reached first base. And Johnson did it at the age of 40 - by far the oldest pitcher in history to perform the feat.
Congratulations, Randy. That's quite a feat.
STUDENT DRINKS LAB CHEMICAL ON A DARE
Man, if I didn't believe in Darwin before, I do now. There are some genes that are just not meant to be passed on. (By the way, why am I not surprised that this story happened in Texas?)
ODESSA, Texas (AP) -- A student who drank a chemical from his high school lab on a dare was recovering in a hospital, but not before a scare. The student drank the unidentified chemical on a bet at the school, said Nancy Smith, a UMC supervisor.
"We need to find out what it was from the toxicologist," Assistant Principal Ray Lascano said. "All of those materials belonged to one of the chemistry labs."
The student was found last Wednesday in a school hallway, bleeding from the nose and mouth.
I'll bet you this kid falls for "Pull My Finger" a lot. No confirmation yet of my suspicion that his last name was Bush.
You know, when people come into the hospital for things like this, I think it should be the doctor's right -- nay, duty! -- to deny the person treatment and resign them to their fate... it's a matter of the public good, protecting us from defective genery.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Texas, they're executing the mentally ill. What, you can kill off the mentally ill, but the mentally incompetent go to chemistry class in Texas high schools?
May 13, 2004
FAREWELL, FRASIER
Of the three television shows having their ballyhooed finales this year, the one I think I will miss the most -- and the one most likely to be seen as a classic 20 years from now -- is "Frasier." I watched the last show tonight, and it has only solidified my opinion.
The brilliance of Frasier was similar to the brilliance of "All in the Family" -- they managed to take a main character who was generally unsympathetic, and they made him not only funny, but lovable. They simply did it from opposite ends of the spectrum; Archie Bunker was a closed-minded bigot, while Frasier Crane (and his brother Niles) were effete, pompous snobs. If you pitched a show today to a network executive and said, "we're going to make the main character someone that most of America not only doesn't relate to, but doesn't even like -- and we're going to make him funny!"... well, you wouldn't be in the office for very long. (As an aside, why is it that in America we always talk about education being the key to social advancement -- but when someone is educated and articulate, we belittle them and call them "eggheads" or "elite?" Either we aspire to education, or we don't - right? But I digress.)
It's unquestionably true that Frasier overstayed its welcome -- the last few seasons have plodded on, and the show lost its direction somewhat and began repeating itself. But the first five or six seasons of Frasier rank among the greatest sitcom seasons in television history -- and those episodes will stand the test of time. I have no doubt that my kids someday will watch Frasier reruns and laugh just as hard as I did in their first airing; the show will be remembered in 2019 the same way the Mary Tyler Moore Show or Cheers are remembered now.
"Friends" will be the Cosby of its era -- very funny for its time, but aging in reruns to the point of eventually becoming a time capsule. Frasier will be seen as one of the all time greatest sitcoms.
HAVE SOME CHEESE WITH YOUR YANKEE WHINE?
One of the things I have always hated about the New York Yankees is the oppressively whiny air that clings to the team like a shirt to your skin on a hot, humid day. Usually, this whinyness manifests itself in the team's fans, who approach each season with a sense of entitlement that borders on the ridiculous... the sense of entitlement that leads them to boo a four-time World Series champion because he gets off to a slow start, or to throw their hands up in panic every time the Bombers lose one game and ask, "What's wrong with the Yankees?" ... the sense of entitlement that leads the utter yahoos who call into sports radio in this town to ask the hosts, in all seriousness and with no sense of irony, why the Yankees can't trade two farmhands and their backup catcher to the A's for Barry Zito and Tim Hudson, or to the Cardinals for Albert Pujols and Scott Rolen -- and sometimes have the homer radio jocks agree that the trade might work... the same sense of entitlement that leads people here to wash their hands of the team and declare the season a loss after they lose five in a row -- in April.
But every once in a while, one of the guys who suits up takes a swig from the bottle of whine. Tonight, it was Joe Torre, the allegedly-esteemed Yankee manager. See, Yankee catcher Jorge Posada was injured tonight on a routine double play. He aimed his slide a good four feet to the right of the base -- attempting to take out the shortstop and break up a double play. The way the rules are interpreted in modern day baseball, that's standard. (One of these days, maybe they'll make a player actually slide for the bag -- the way they taught us to in Little League.) Angels shortstop Alfredo Amezaga, a rookie, submarined his throw to first -- that is, threw the ball sidearm and not with an over the top motion. The ball hit Posada's hand, deflected up, and hit Posada in the face, breaking his nose.
A fluke play and a fluke injury, right? An unfortunate confluence of timing as a runner tried to break up a play and a fielder tried to make a routine double play, right? Not according to whiny Joe Torre. He spent the evening crying about the sidearm throw.
"I don't think he should have gone underneath like that. I thought he could have just gone over the top," Torre said. "I'm not saying he wanted to hurt him, but I thought it was unnecessary to do that."
Let me see if I have this straight, Joey Walnuts. Your guy slides well out of the basepath -- four feet to the right of the base, actually -- trying to take the fielder's legs out from under him or block his vision. But when your guy gets hit with a ball... it's the fielder's fault for throwing the ball? Riiiiiight. I guess I forgot that the Yankees are entitled to special rules of their own. I forgot that when a Yankee tries for a base, the opposing team is supposed to just roll up and give it to him. I forgot that the Yankees are supposed to just get their whiny way, without question and without effort.
The national media's already been all up on Torre for this; the overnight hosts on ESPN Radio have already nominated him for next week's "Just Shut Up" award; the late night SportsCenter anchors belittled Torre's crying over the throw. But I guarantee you here in New York, the sports pages and talk radio will be full of whining and crying about the meanie from Anaheim who deliberately hurt little Jorgie Posada. Amazega might as well have shot Bambi, the way the media here will treat the situation. And that's just one more reason to utterly despise the New York Yankees -- their fans, their players, their staff.
Oh, and one more sports related thing... Mark it down: The NBA playoffs are rigged.
UPDATE: Don LaGreca opened his show on 1050 New York Sports radio this morning with the following word-for-word quote: "Alfredo Amezaga is now the most hated man in New York. His family is no longer welcome in the New York Metropolitan area." Hate to say I told you so, kids... but I told you so. I hate this town.
May 12, 2004
THE FAMOUS CAT STORY
A funny story out of England this week: it seems a vicious little cat is terrorizing British postal delivery workers.
TERRIFIED postmen are refusing to deliver mail to a house — because they are scared of a dangerous CAT. They say their hands are being ripped to shreds by ginger tom Bat as they shove post through the cat flap.
You laugh, but I've seen the power of cats to disrupt. Even been the victim of it. Why, that reminds me of a story...
At this point, I have to let you in on a little secret. Four years ago, I was not the towering giant of a corporate speechwriter you see before you today. Long before I became the example of what an executive communications person in a huge corporation is supposed to be like... I was merely a media relations specialist -- a PR flack. I wasn't horrible at it, but I sure wasn't among the best. I appeared headed for an undistinguished career as a little-accomplished and even lesser-noticed media flack, a paragon of mediocrity in a sea of gray flannel suits.
But I harbored a secret -- and bore a public shame. My secret was that I could write a little better than some of the media folks who were leaving me behind. My shame was the hideous 1987 RX7 I drove right out of grad school. It broke down usually at least once a month, sometimes more. And each time something went wrong, I dealt with my frustration by writing the story down in an e-mail to my bosses, explaining why I would be late to work again.
The stories (more than one, since the damn car broke down so often) took on a life of their own. They got forwarded around to others, and soon I had people asking me to cc them on the next note. Some people even seemed to be hoping that my car would break down again, just so I would write another note. Each time I did, more people ended up seeing it. Eventually, the light bulb seemed to go on over someone's heads. Someone decided I could write pretty well, and perhaps might be better suited to exec comms than media. And this person, with the full blessing of his superiors and based solely on these notes I used to send about my car, gave me the chance to write a couple of speeches for an executive. That was three years ago, and the rest is history... my career absolutely blew up and took off, and I've never looked back. (By the way... now you know how the SpinDoc and I got so close - that manager who took the chance on me just happened to be our very own short, bald SpinDoc.)
What the hell does this have to do with cats? Well, my last car story involved my then-new car, and my then-new cat. I've been told many times by many people that it was this story that represented the big break in my career (all from just screwing around)... and that I have to post it again someday on this site. And the Cat That Terrifies British Postmen has given me my chance. Without further ado, here it is: most of the Great Cat Story of 2000.
As the story opens, Christopher has just adopted a cat... a cat found literally in the gutter in New Jersey, weak and starving, laying in the rain and waiting to die. Christopher takes pity on the cat and, after a vet helps nurse him back out of imminent danger, gives the poor little guy a home.
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away, Christopher's parents choose the holiday weekend to move into their newly purchased home on the Delaware shore. Christopher must travel south in his brand new car (less than a week old) to help haul furniture for the holiday... but the parents own two dogs, so Christopher can't bring the cat. He drops the cat off with [his then-girlfriend] in New Jersey, and survives the weekend.
On the way home (in the new Camry, which still even has the new car smell), Christopher picks up the cat, and puts him in the little travel cage he has purchased. But halfway home, just over the New Jersey-New York border, the little cat begins mewling and crying as if in terror at being caged up and in a moving car. After a few minutes of this, Christopher feels sorry for the cat, and lets him out of the cage. The cat immediately runs to the back seat.
At this stage in the story, the Forces of Evil possess the cat's body. What projects from the cat at this point can only be described as Exorcist-ian in proportion. The cat wanted out of the cage merely to avoid soiling his own nest... a stream of foul, vile, not-at-all-looking-like-pea-soup, SLUDGE begins to exit the cat with a force that redefines the concept of "projectile movements." Apparently the cat's digestive system didn't take too well to travel. Christopher is immediately thankful that there are no crucifixes in the car.
Having just passed the last rest stop for the remainder of the trip, Christopher is now forced to drive for 40 miles with the results of the cat's possession splattered all over the back seat and the rear window. Needless to say, the car no longer had that "new car" smell. Meanwhile, the cat -- exhausted from delivering waste at speeds that make Randy Johnson's fastball seem glacial -- tries to crawl back to the comfort of the cage in the front seat... thus smearing even more material all over the car. Looking at the cat, Christopher swears he sees the words "Help Me" etching themselves out in welts on the cat's stomach.
Upon returning home, Christopher is up until 1:45 on Sunday night/Monday morning, scrubbing the sh** out of the car -- literally. After two days, a half dozen sponges, a bottle and a half of Wool-lite Pet Cleaner, more air fresheners and sanitizers than a hospital uses in a year, and 4,529 curses and swear words at the cat, the car appears to return to "normal"... though with the Forces of Evil around, you can never be sure.
EDITOR'S NOTE: As anyone who's been to my apartment knows... I kept the cat. We're buddies now.
ALL WE GOT WAS THE CONDOM ON THE BANANA!
Man, sex education sure has changed! When I was in school, I had the nervous, balding, fumbling, blushing wrestling coach/health teacher struggling to put a condom on a banana to demonstrate how it's properly done. Twenty years later, the United Kingdom has taken a slightly more intriguing approach to preventing teen pregnancy: encouraging teens to perform oral sex. They're even giving lessons in school!
Encouraging schoolchildren to experiment with oral sex could prove the most effective way of curbing teenage pregnancy rates, a government study has found.
Okay, maybe I am glad that I didn't have to see my former wrestler/health teacher demonstrate technique on this subject. But man, how big is the smile on the faces of every British teenage boy right now? And how ticked off are we all that we grew up when we did and where we did, and not in England in 2004? Given how challenging it can be to convince American adult women... how come British teenagers get to have all the fun? What have they given us since the Beatles split up? The Bay City Rollers? Robbie Williams? Right Said Fred? Hardly deserving of such a gloried fate, wouldn't you say?
Despite my much-ballyhooed, long-standing drought on a personal level, I do believe that it's my responsibility to encourage as much of this behavior as possible. A note to all my readers: be sure to do your homework tonight! (Book reports not required, but are welcome.)
MORE CONSERVATIVE FOIBLES
More proof that Bush's umbilical cord to his neoconservative masters is alienating even those who should be his base: this article in the Washington Post yesterday. As I mentioned a few days ago with the George Will column, conservatives have begun to realize that Bush isn't one of them, really -- and that the neoconservative movement is the most dangerous political fringe in America since George Wallace got 15% of the vote running on a segregationist platform.
On the domestic side, conservatives and former administration officials say the White House policy apparatus is moribund, with policies driven by political expediency or ideological pressure rather than by facts and expertise.
I think former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill says it best:
Echoing a criticism leveled by former Bush aide John J. DiIulio Jr., who famously described "Mayberry Machiavellis" running the White House, O'Neill said "the biggest difference" between his time in government in the 1970s and in the Bush administration "is that our group was mostly about evidence and analysis, and Karl [Rove], Dick [Cheney], [Bush communications strategist] Karen [Hughes] and the gang seemed to be mostly about politics."
That's the neoconservative philosophy in a nutshell, friends. Principle and logic be damned, we just need to keep power. Makes you feel all warm and cuddly inside, doesn't it?
And speaking of warm and cuddly conservative types, how about this from Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe (R) regarding the abuse of Iraqi prisoners:
"If they're in cell block 1A or 1B, these prisoners -- they're murderers, they're terrorists, they're insurgents," said Inhofe, a conservative from Oklahoma. "Many of them probably have American blood on their hands. And here we're so concerned about the treatment of those individuals... I'm probably not the only one up at this table that is more outraged by the outrage than we are by the treatment.
The guy undermined his own argument in his rant. "Many of them" -- not all. "Probably have blood" -- in other words, we don't know. And yet he's going to defend the garbage we've seen out of Abu Graif? You've gotta love bloodthirsty idiots who allow themselves to be led by revenge and hatred rather than any sort of individual or rational thought. Not to mention the fact that a stupid bastard like this, someone who clearly has no clue what America is supposed to stand for, is a United States Senator. James Inhofe is unfit for his office. He lacks the convictions of an American, and he lacks a dedication to the principles of the Constitution. He's just a cruel and bloodthirsty little punk, and his presence in the Capitol disgraces the US Senate.
A note, in the interest of fairness... even as this cruel rant was still going on, even Inhofe's fellow Republicans seemed shocked and displeased.
Sen. John McCain, R-Arizona, left the committee room during Inhofe's remarks. Asked outside the meeting room whether he agreed with Inhofe, McCain replied, "No way." And Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-South Carolina, said, "When you are the good guys, you've got to act like the good guys."
What a disgrace Inhofe is.
May 11, 2004
REASON #8,903,456 TO HATE NEW YORK
Because the city deliberately builds parking meters too close to a fire hydrant. The result is that when people park at the meter thinking that they're parking legally, they're actually parking illegally and get a $115 ticket.
According to the New York Daily News, the city has been receiving complaints over this for at least two years, and has done nothing to address the problem.
State law requires that cars be parked at least 15 feet from a hydrant. The meter, at the rear of the space, is 27 feet, 5 inches from the hydrant, leaving a tiny space of 12 feet, 5inches. That's not even big enough for a 2004 Volkswagen Beetle, which comes in at a foot too long. Don't even think about a Ford Taurus - that's about 4 feet too long.
Here's the way officials have usually been reacting:
A retired iron worker confronted a pair of traffic enforcement agents after discovering his ticket. One said she couldn't help. Another told him to "'Go talk to [Mayor] Bloomberg,'." He pleaded not guilty by mail, sending in a letter of explanation and photographs of his car parked in the spot. An administrative law judge ruled against him late last month. He spent three hours at the Parking Violations Bureau yesterday only to be told to pay the fine, and then file an appeal.
So merchants' and citizen complaints were ignored for about two years... But suddenly, when the Daily News splashed it on the front page and called the city with a 'what the hell' about it, we suddenly get this response:
"We realize there was an error made and the meter was improperly placed too close to the hydrant," DOT spokesman Tom Cocola said. "We thank the Daily News for calling this to our attention."
That's New York for you. Screw the people until you get caught... bleed every last dime from people paying for the so-called privlege of living here, and only stop when the press calls you on it. Yep, it's the city that never sleeps, all right.
May 09, 2004
ANOTHER BLATANT AND UNABASHED SHILL: THE SHOOTS
Hey guys... Ethan and crew have been busy in the studio recording a few new demos, and they've put the results up on their Website. The Shoots are for real. Still no "Angels" posted (Ahem, Ethan?!), but several new songs that I think you'll like.
"I'm So In Crush With You" sort of reminds me of the Counting Crows musically, though Ethan's voice is still harder for me to place (for some reason, I keep thinking of the late 80s/early 90s Aussie alt-rock band the HooDoo Gurus whenever I hear him sing)... but no matter the influence, it's a good tune. And "You're That Stupid Kid" is also a song that's very fun live.
Go on over to www.TheShoots.com and take a listen, my friends. And if you're in New York, make note that they're playing this coming Friday at Arlene's Grocery -- a great show for them, because Arlene's is quickly becoming a New York musical legend... artists from every genre have graced their stage: Dr. John, Allen Ginsberg, the Strokes, Vonda Shepard, Vanessa Carlton, David Johansen, and Beth Orton, to name a few. And the great Jeff Buckley played his last New York show at Arlene's. In a year or two, there's going to be a bragline on the Arlene's site about how The Shoots have played there too. Check 'em out, crew -- and let 'em know 'Mudge sent you.
RESTAURANT REVIEW: BAMIYAN
Okay, I realize that not all of you are in the New York metropolitan area (and god bless those of you who aren't, you lucky stiffs!). But for those of who are here -- or happen to be planning to be here in the near future, I have a recommendation for you. I've become an unabashed fan of a restaurant I've just discovered on the East Side. If you're going to be in Manhattan any time soon, Bamiyan is an absolute must.
I'd never had Afghan food before this weekend, but many people I know have said it's delicious. My brother in particular has raved ad nauseum about how good it is. Well, count me among the fans of Afghan cuisine now. The lamb was melt-in-your-mouth tender in my Kabuli Palow, and we absolutely loved the Boulanee Kadu, which is a sort of spiced pumpkin dumpling. And we didn't even try the kabobs -- which according to all reviews is the "showpiece" dish of Afghani cuisine. The ambiance was delightful, the location (the corner of 26th St. and 3rd Ave) is very convenient, the prices were superbly reasonable for Manhattan (dinner for two with appetizers and a bottle of wine came to only $60), and the service was outstanding.
The proprietor -- a man who apparently was a Justice on the Afghani Supreme Court before the Soviet invasion in 1979 -- came over several times to ask us how our meal was... he came over himself to refill our wine glasses (not just waiting for his staff to do it)... and when we were leaving he came up and shook our hands, thanked us for coming and said he was looking forward to our return. You know, they say that kind of thing in many other restaurants, and I always know that they're saying it for the sake of saying it -- because they have to. With Mr. Shah, I had the very distinct feeling that he was absolutely sincere. For the few months when Afghanistan was still the focus of US attention, included in almost all of the human interest stories out there was some reference to Afghani hospitality, and how the people as a whole were among the friendliest and most hospitable on earth. After being in Bamiyan this weekend, it is hard for me to disagree -- they charmed me completely.
Four stars and an enthusiastic recommendation for those in the New York area.
A WEEK OLD, BUT A CRITICAL MESSAGE
Okay, no one's ever accused me of always being timely in what I write about. But let me tell you -- you get a massive sinus infection that pretty much robs you of your will to live, and we'll see how much you blog!
Anyway, since I am feeling a bit better, I thought I would bring to your attention this George Will column from last Tuesday. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. But as a writer, my respect for good writing goes beyond even my politics, and Will's an articulate and well-written voice even on the numerous occasions when he's wrong. Plus, he owns a baseball team, which automatically gets him something of a waiver in my book.
Anyway, his column here is remarkable for a couple of reasons. For one, it highlights that even conservatives are getting frustrated with this president's utter stupidity. George W. Bush is not a smart man -- in fact, he's only a couple of steps removed from being dropped off at the West Wing every day by the little yellow bus. And even conservatives are no longer willing to mask this fact.
This administration cannot be trusted to govern if it cannot be counted on to think and, having thought, to have second thoughts. Thinking is not the reiteration of bromides...
Thank you, Mr. Will. I knew there was a reason I liked you. Anyway, the second remarkable thing is that this column carefully and very articulately lays out the reasons why conservatives -- true conservatives, not the bible-thumping, cowboy mentality variety -- have had just about enough of the neonconservative "movement" and its dangerous, damaging inability to see anything beyond its own mindset. Neocons are simply unable to think beyond their ideologic dogma (which is as good as not thinking at all), and as a result are often unable to perceive reality. Iraq comes to mind, for example. I quote Mr. Will:
Being steadfast in defense of carefully considered convictions is a virtue. Being blankly incapable of distinguishing cherished hopes from disappointing facts, or of reassessing comforting doctrines in face of contrary evidence, is a crippling political vice.
You know, when Dumbya starts losing the public confidence of leading conservative voices like Will... well, you know he's doing something horribly wrong. I'm proud to say that Mr. Will agrees with me -- that this president and his administration are not that capable of thought, and that this inability is damaging the United States of America.
GEE, I'M STUNNED
An analyst said Sunday that in the last two weeks, gas prices have taken their biggest jump since last August. The national average now stands at $1.96 per gallon (including $2.07 at the Mobil station on the corner next to my apartment building -- the highest it's ever been in the three years I have been in this location).
Industry analyst Trilby Lundberg says that tight supplies and rising demand are to blame. Uh huh. I'll agree with that - rising demand. In other words, just in time for the summer driving season, oil companies are tightening the screws and jacking prices up on gasoline.
You know, where I come from (and in a lot of other places), jacking prices up just because demand is higher... well, they call that price gouging. And where I come from (and even where the oil companies come from), that's against the law.
Yet there's no prosecution, not even an investigation, from the Republican-controlled Congress or the in-Big-Oil's-Pocket president. Anyone wonder why? Check the corporate donor lists for Bush's campaign, and to the RNC and the Republican Senate and Congressional Campaign Committees. Then you'll know.
SIX OF ONE...
One of the luxuries (or drawbacks, I guess) of being politically passionate is that you're not often saddled with "I don't know what I think about that" syndrome. Very rarely does any news story come along where you don't know what your opinion is. If it makes you seem a little closed minded, it also makes it easier to blog.
One of the few stories I am smack in the middle of came out of Rochester, New York this week. A family court judge was faced with a pair of utterly horrendous parents -- if you can even call them that. "Wastes of oxygen who unfortunately procreated" would be a more appropriate term. Here's all you need to know about these two cases for retroactive abortion: when faced with a court hearing to determine whether they could keep their children,
Neither parent attended the proceeding or secured legal representation. The mother waived her right to a lawyer, and the father never showed up in court.
The mother was found to have neglected her four children, ages 1, 2, 4 and 5. All three children who were tested for cocaine tested positive, according to court papers. Both parents had a history of drug abuse. It was not immediately clear if the father had other children.
A case worker testified that the parents ignored an order to get mental health treatment and attend parenting classes after the 1-year-old was born.
Clearly, these two barely meet the definition of human, much less "parent." I'll go on record as saying that I think they're both wastes of perfectly breathable oxygen that the rest of us could use, and if tomorrow morning should find them gone from this earth, the world would be a better place. As for the judge, she did what I suspect many or most of us might be inclined to do in this case. She issued an order barring them from having any more children.
Monroe County Family Court Judge Marilyn O'Connor ruled March 31 that... "The facts of this case and the reality of parenthood cry out for family planning education," she ruled. "This court believes the constitutional right to have children is overcome when society must bear the financial and everyday burden of care."
The judge is not forcing contraception on the couple nor is she requiring the mother to get an abortion should she become pregnant. The couple may choose to be sterilized at no cost to them, O'Connor ruled. If the couple violates O'Connor's ruling, they could be jailed for contempt of court.
My first reaction is that the couple shouldn't even have the choice, they just ought to be sterilized as a method of protecting the public. And I have to say, keeping people like this from having children doesn't bother me one bit. When people like this just keep popping out child after child, even when they're on public assistance and even when they clearly cannot afford to have more but do... well, I guess I feel like if I'm going to have to pay child support, they should at least be my children.
But I'm already finding myself going, "Whoa!" Because once you've set a precedent that it's legal to order someone to not reproduce, you open up a Pandora's box. First of all, what I just said above about people who can't afford children... did I just really endorse a eugenics program in which the poor are not allowed to reproduce? How very Hitlerian of me! And worse yet, if you make this a legal precedent, then who gets to decide what the standards are for procreation? It's all well and good to say that crack addicts shouldn't reproduce... but have we opened the door for an opinionated or bigoted judge to start adjusting society according to his or her prejudices? First crack addicts, then violent felons (no argument so far)... then maybe people with less violent criminal histories, or the mentally ill... then could it go as far as certain ethnicities? Could it even go as far as lifestyle choices or political beliefs? (I've listened to Pat Roberston, George W. Bush, Tom DeLay, Ralph Reed and some of the other way-out-there nut cases from the Christian right, and I honestly believe that some of them would think the world might be a better place if those durn liberals could be eugenicized out of existence.)
Now, is there a logical progression between keeping crack-addicted welfare drains from having children and the awful thought of saying "all blacks/Jews/Hispanics/liberals/whatever should not be allowed to have children?" Not really, no. That's a stretch. But my point is that once we have made the decision that some persons -- anyone, even crack-addicted losers like the despicable morons in this case -- can be barred from having kids, then we have given someone... a judge, the voting public, whomever... the right to make a decision and pass the judgement on who is worthy of procreation and who is not. And once we've given away that right to anyone, even when it's clearly for the public good... well, I really worry about that precedent.
Then again, I remain firmly convinced that these two people must be stopped from ever breeding again. They're endangering their children, they're endangering anyone else's kids who have to go to school with their children, and they're eventually endangering society with the generation of future drug-addicted felons they're popping out. So I honestly don't know what I think of this case. I like the judge's actions toward this couple, but I hate and fear the precedent it sets. Not to mention the level of arrogance it shows on my part to believe that I as a white-collar, upper-middle class, well-educated yuppie -- with no children of my own, yet -- could presume to determine who is acceptable as a parent and who is not.
So what do you guys think of this -- both the decision of the judge and the larger issue? I'm really curious as to what other people think of this subject.
May 06, 2004
MORE PROOF OF THE POWER OF THE MUDGE
Last week on his site, Tim suggested that Maureen Dowd was raiding my site for column ideas. Well, there's more proof tonight that Tim may be right, and that Dowd may not be along among the movers and shakers who listen to what the Mudge says -- though Tim may not be as happy about this example. Major League Baseball, clearly taking their cue after reading my angry post last night, today rescinded the ridiculous marketing decision to put Spiderman 2 logos on bases next month.
If you were checking the comments, you saw Tim & I going back and forth, with Tim inexplicably defending the decision. Well, score it Mudge 1, Tim 0. Actually, Tim... it was a rout. Take a gander at some of the other reaction out there:
"We saw some of the polls on the Internet that said that 71 and 81 percent of the fans didn't approve of it," said Geoffrey Ammer, president of worldwide marketing for the Columbia TriStar Motion Picture Group. "We listened to the fans. We never saw this coming, the reaction the fans had. It became a flashpoint -- the reaction was overwhelming."
Many baseball purists denounced the plan, including Fay Vincent, a former baseball commissioner and president of Columbia Pictures.
I think they made a good decision to change their minds," former commissioner Peter Ueberroth said. "I don't think it makes any sense at all. It's a clutter."
And the biggest proof of the Power of the Mudge? Check this quote from Oakland player Billy McMillan:
"I just wonder where this leads to. Will it be the Bad News Bears with Chico's Bail Bonds on the back of our uniforms?" he said.
Okay, look in the comments section for my baseball post from last night. Tell me they're not 'Mudge readers in MLB?
A VERY SPECIAL "FRIENDS"
Like most of America, I suppose, I watched the final episode of 'Friends' tonight. I haven't watched an episode in about six or seven years; I had no idea of most of the plot lines. But I do like to pretend that I am up on cultural events and media history, so I turned it on. I didn't love the show as a classic, as many did; I didn't share the disdain for it that others had. I enjoyed it for the brain candy it was.
I suppose part of my fondness for it originally (well, besides the weekly promise of Jennifer Anniston in tight outfits) was because the first year the show aired, I was living in DC -- and just about everyone in my office (there were only 20 of us, everyone knew everyone's friends and significant others) took to calling my roommate and I "Joey and Chandler." Since my roommate at the time was my Italian party-hound buddy Joe, I assumed that meant I was Chandler... and I figured that since people were making the comparison, I should find out whether I was flattered or not. (As it turned out, there were worse characters to be compared to.) But, over time, especially after I moved to Boston and then to New York, I stopped watching the show -- first the original episodes, then the reruns.
For me, the good thing about final episodes is that you pretty much know what's going to happen. Everything works out, you know it will... so the only thing left is to see how the writers get them there. (That's me - always observing the writing first and foremost, no matter what we're talking about.) And the writers on this show had a tough job; everyone knew Ross & Rachel were going to end up together, but they had to write enough tension and uncertainty to last 70 minutes (okay, 43 minutes of show and the rest was commercials). And I thought they did okay. They made their fans happy, and that's ultimately what their purpose was, wasn't it?
It's not fair to judge any show by its finale episode - the writers and actors have a job to do that's outside the parameters of the show's usual style or scope. And despite a little bit of gratuitous schmaltz, I think they wrapped this one up well. And the last line -- Jennifer Anniston asking everyone if they wanted to go grab coffee, and Matthew Perry answering, "Sure... where?" -- was the ultimate self-knowing nod. (Kudos to the writer who penned that one. I'm a fan of in-jokes.)
Will Friends go down in TV history in the pantheon reserved for Lucy, Van Dyke, Mary Tyler Moore, M*A*S*H, Cheers, Cobsy and Seinfeld? Maybe; probably not. But it was harmless entertainment for ten years -- and was a respite from the garbage of reality TV for its last few years. For that, I'm grateful. And despite its shortcomings, I was glad to be there to bid the Friends goodbye tonight.
May 05, 2004
THIS CUP ADJUSTMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY LOTRIMIN
Some things are sacred, and this is just wrong. In its first foray into Burger King-like cross-promotion with a movie, Major League Baseball announced that webbed logos for the movie "Spiderman 2" will appear on bases and pitching rubbers at 15 stadiums during interleague play in June.
I'm not some naive babe in the woods who's shocked to find marketing tainting the sport I love. Advertising money has driven all sports for a couple of generations now -- including baseball. World Series games stopped being played during the day during the 1970s because ad revenues were higher in prime time, and the Yankees are able to afford their gargantuan and disproportionate payroll in large part because they own a television network in the largest and most lucrative media market in the world (with the corresponding ad revenues). Stadiums, regrettably, are now named not for heroes of the game or giants of the community, but instead now shill for whatever company's marketing department convinces its board to cough up the most money. And yet, somehow... this still seems worse.
SpinDoc called it "the NASCAR-ization of baseball" in an IM today... and he's dead on. It's one thing to have company logos on outfield walls like in the old days, or to have schedules planned around when the networks want to air the games played in BehemothCorp stadium. But to have movie logos on bases feels dirty -- in the same sense that a one night stand with some girl in a bar seems a little less skanky than paying for a hooker. (Not that I know about either one, Mom!) It might be the same action, but only one leaves you with the feeling that you need to take a shower.
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-KGB!
Thanks to Tim for pointing this one out. Seems that Disney doesn't want to let Michael Moore's new film, "Farenheit 9/11," which divulges the long and tangled relationship between the Bush and bin Laden families over the last 30 years, see the light of day. Seems Michael Eisner fears that the film's political content could hurt Disney's reputation and influence among the party in power right now if he allows a film so critical of that party's leader to be distributed.
As Tim so eloquently put it, "corporate America is moving to censor itself out of fear from our own judicially selected president." He draws an apt comparison between the atmosphere in Putin's Russia and Bush's America. You should check his rant out -- it's a good one.
I have hated Disney ever since my then-fiancee -- honestly Doc, she was old enough to know better! -- loved Disney animation so much that we had to have every one of those movies on VCR when they were released... way too many "date nights" consisted of sitting around on the couch and being forced to watch "Robin Hood" or "Beauty and the Beast." (Somehow, this fact made the breakup even more infuriating.) But this move just gives me more tangible and logical a reason to hate them.
No company that engages in censorship based on fear of offending the government or a party in power should ever be tolerated. If I were you, I'd dump their stock, burn their tapes, smash their DVDs, and tell the kids you'll buy them Ice Age instead.
One last thought... Senator Lautenberg is rapidly becoming my favorite senator. Today, in reaction to Disney's positively Orwellian move, Lautenberg called for hearings into the pattern of politically based corporate censorship of the news media and the entertainment industry.
"While corporate leaders rarely exercise discretion over gross indecency or violence, we have seen a number of corporate conglomerates censor material recently based on political content," Lautenberg sad in a letter to Commerce Committee Chairman Senator John McCain... The New Jersey senator said in the letter that Disney, which recently distributed "Kill Bill: Vol. 2," which Lautenberg described as "one of the most violent movies in history," is refusing to distribute the new film by Moore because it is critical of President Bush.
Man, this is supposed to be the FCC's job... but since Michael Powell is the puppet of the far right, someone had to step up and watch out for you and I. Thankfully, Lautenberg seems up to the task.
GRID-YUCK!!
Okay, this is one of those things you don't see every day. Actually, it's one of those things you hope you never see. Traffic in Milwaukee was tied up Tuesday because a truck carrying monkey droppings from the Milwaukee Zoo spilled its contents onto a major interstate. Like so many "odd news" stories, the truly disturbing elements are found even more in the details than in the headlines.
The monkey waste and algae had been removed from a moat at the zoo's Macaque Island, which is done twice a year. The droppings were then "aged" for two days -- a process that destroys any viruses -- before being loaded into the truck.
Sounds like the same process they use for wine or scotch, huh? Think about that the next time you enjoy a glass of cabernet.
Posted by Christopher at 11:50 PM | Comments (0)NO HEADLINE IS SUFFICIENT
You just have to go read this story and look at the guy's x-ray. I can't even be witty about this... I am absolutely baffled that this guy is alive.
May 03, 2004
ONE MORE REASON TO HATE THE RICH
My friend Nancy in North Carolina pointed this story out to me: it seems that people who drive BMW's have more sex -- averagiing 2.2 times per week -- than people who drive any other kind of car. Of course, Nancy drives a BMW... which would in turn indicate that Nancy was perhaps trying to tell me something. If so, that's cruel on about 20 different levels, Nancy -- you meanie!
Japanese car drivers (I have a Toyota) settle for 1.8 times per week, allegedly. At the moment, my drought makes 1.8 times this year a distinct possibility.
At least it's better than Porsche -- whose drivers have sex approximately 1.4 times per week. I just knew they were compensating for something!
I SHOULDN'T LAUGH, BUT...
Okay, this story isn't funny because it happened to gay people. It's funny because of the visual of 60 people all rushing to the same side of a boat to get a glimpse at a nude beach... and capsized the boat. Any time you get dozens of people rushing to peek at nekkid people and sinking their boat, you have to laugh.
YOU DON'T TUG ON SUPERMAN'S CAPE... YOU DON'T SPIT INTO THE WIND... YOU DON'T PULL THE MASK OFF THE OLD LONE RANGER...
And you don't mess around with grand traditions... like this one in Madison, Wisconsin.
The Mifflin Street block party is one of the midwest's great traditions. Having gone to Minnesota, but having friends at UW-Madison, I attended more than my share of these bashes back when I was just a Grouch, not quite a Curmudgeon. They were worth the 240 mile (one way) drive to Madison; some of the wildest partying I ever did came at Mifflin Street. I have very fond memories -- I think?! -- of that tradition.
The Mifflin Street event started 35 years ago and is part of the campus culture that put UW-Madison second on The Princeton Review's national "party school" rankings in 2003, behind only the University of Colorado in Boulder.
This event is as much a part of the atmosphere at Madison as the Naked Mile is in Ann Arbor. Even more so, because more people are willing to drink than streak. And yet the cops set a limit of only 4 kegs per house for this year's event. 4 kegs? That was lunch for me back in the day. (Okay, not really, but I tried.) Messing with this would be like saying the Yankees couldn't wear pinstripes... and yet they did just that. Not that I encourage binge drinking, but sheesh! A rite of passage is a rite of passage, already!
CALLING THE CAVALRY
Hey, crew... asking for your help on this one. Some utter jackass hyper-conservative is posting on Marine Girl's site, and is actually taking shots at her for dating a Marine while being against the war. He's not a jerk because he's conservative (though I checked his site out and I think he qualifies). He's a jerk because he's picking on the girlfriend of one of our brave military guys, while he's not around (not that MG can't take care of herself, but I think it's just the height of gutlessness to start taking cracks at someone about her stance on the war when someone she loves is over in the middle of it).
He actually had the gall to write this comment to her post of April 30: If you're anti-war why the hell are you dating a Marine? Here's hoping he's a lot tougher than you - but I doubt it. Yeah, there's a real American for you, kids. He's so brave that he'll say that someone who's over in Iraq right now isn't tough... this from the safety of his home in Texas.
I don't want anyone to go to his site -- please, no one harrass this guy, I do not want to start a war with someone unstable enough to put a "Nuke Berkeley" icon on his site. For starters, harrassing him would be wrong -- and besides that, it's highly unlikely that anyone like this will ever change his mind on anything. So he's beyond reaching or reason -- and I don't much care about him. But I do care about my friend MG ... and I sort of promised her Marine that I'd have his back while he was away. So I'm asking all of you -- whoever you are and whatever your stance on the war -- to head over to MG's site, find her post for April 30, and go support her in the comment section. She's earned the right to be supported by all of us, and her Marine has certainly earned our getting his back. I think that she, more than any of us, has earned the right to have an opinion on this war... whether we agree or not. So if you don't mind, please head over and just let her know that her friends from Curmudgeonland support her -- and her Marine -- and that she should pay no attention to this jerk. Thanks, guys.
YEAH, BUT HOW ARE THE BENEFITS?
Thanks to Tim for pointing this out... you know, it's not every day that you have the chance to read a profile of your friendly neighborhood executioner. And it really revealed his warm, tender side.
"It doesn't matter to me: Two, four, 10 -- as long as I'm doing God's will, it doesn't matter how many people I execute."
Oh. Yeah, I always forget about that part! As long as you're doing God's will, it doesn't matter!
He started at a prison in Taif, where his job was to handcuff and blindfold the prisoners before their execution. "Because of this background, I developed a desire to be an executioner," he says.
Hmm. Usually handcuffing and blindfolding someone leads to desires to do something entirely different. (Maybe that's just me. If it's you, too -- and you're a woman -- I can be reached at area code 914...)
His first job came in 1998 in Jeddah. "The criminal was tied and blindfolded. With one stroke of the sword I severed his head. It rolled meters away." Of course he was nervous, then, he says, as many people were watching, but now stage fright is a thing of the past.
Wow. Thank God his stage fright has passed! There's nothing I hate worse than a beheader who freezes during the big moment.
However, he does reveal that a sword will cost something in the region of SR20,000. "It's a gift from the government. I look after it and sharpen it once in a while, and I make sure to clean it of bloodstains.
Damn conscientious of him, ain't it? He's a regular neat freak -- wonder how he'd react to Oscar Madison?
He has executed numerous women without hesitation, he explains. "Despite the fact that I hate violence against women, when it comes to God's will, I have to carry it out.”
I'm so glad that he hates violence against women. I'd hate to have my executioner be a batterer too.
An executioner's life, of course, is not all killing. Sometimes it can be amputation of hands and legs.
Those days must really be a drag, man. "Dude, I didn't get to lop off anyone's head today -- all I got were a couple of fingers and a left hand." "Damn, buddy... you've had a rough day - why don't we head over the pub... you need a drink after a day like that!"
Ugh. Far be it from me to be culturally insensitive... but how on earth do people justify a culture that is so cavalier and barbaric about execution? Then again, we have Texas. Never mind.
May 02, 2004
BASEBALL RAMBLING
What's the line from the Garth Brooks song? "It was 'bound to happen, and one night it did." After a protracted hitting slump that has lasted for more than two weeks now, the Vultures dropped out of first place overnight, sinking to 109.5 points and falling behind the surging Diamond Dogs. (No offense to their owner, but the Puppies don't scare me -- he's overperforming as much as I did in the first two weeks.) The reason for the slide is easy to find: we're not hitting. The Vultures still hit home runs and lead the league in RBI, but we have few hits over the last few games that were not homers. We've faded badly in batting average, runs scored, and doubles/triples. The pitching, amazingly, has held up -- we still have 62.0 pitching points. But we're not going to win anything with only 47.5 hitting points. The slump needs to end soon.
In the world of real baseball, do you know what my favorite story of the year so far is? No, not that the Sox swept the Yankees in the Bronx. I love that the Texas Rangers are in first place for the first time in four years. Not at all coincidentally, it's also the first time in four years that Alex Rodriguez isn't playing for them. With Rodriguez' selfish countenance removed from their clubhouse, the Rangers have found their stride again. Also not coincidentally, Rodriguez' new team, the Yankees, have performed below expectations to an extent this year - needing a six game winning streak to rise to 14-11. Seems not even the ghosts of the greats are enough to ward off the effect of the Rodriguez cancerous karma.
Think of it -- after Pay-Rod blackmailed the Mariners and ran off to Texas -- but not for the money! -- the Mariners turned around and won 116 games without him. The Rangers, meanwhile, instantly sank into the cellar and remained there until this past winter's punk-ectomy. Now, Pay-Rod has left Texas, and they're in first, and the Yankees have not played up to their potential. It's not a coincidence. If you introduce greed and selfishness into a clubhouse, it's bound to have an impact. And it couldn't happen to a better guy.
SPEAKING OF HYPOCRITICAL PHONIES...
So John Ass-croft says that it was that bad ol' Clinton Administration, specifically 9/11 Commission member Jamie Gorelick, who made 9/11 happen, because they put up procedural barriers that hampered our ability to fight terrorism.
What Ass-croft doesn't want you to know is that he supported those barriers. In fact, as a Senator, he led the fight against the Clinton administration's effort to prevent encryption technology from falling into terrorist hands. From this week's TIME:
But if blame for insufficient terror-fighting tools is being doled out, maybe Ashcroft is in for a bit too. When Janet Reno's Justice Department protested efforts in the 1990s to make it easier for Silicon Valley to export encryption technology overseas, then-Senator Ashcroft seemed unconcerned with her contention that terrorists were turning to Internet encryption to communicate.
Ashcroft led the fight against this effort, ladies and gentlemen. He actively worked to make it easier for US encryption technology to be available overseas.
But Ashcroft, in a 1997 piece in USIA Electronic Journal, wrote that while coded messages and maps might be used to facilitate crimes, the Administration's "police state policy on encryption" was at odds with the Bill of Rights -- an argument that foes of the Patriot Act might be surprised to hear from him now. President Clinton, he said, "is attempting to foist his rigid policy on the exceptionally fluid and fast-paced computer industry."
Former Clinton Commerce Department officials say pressure from Capitol Hill played a large role in their eventual decision to lift export controls on encryption technology. "They had us against the wall," says one. Ashcroft at the time said he was "pleased" that "the Administration finally has listened to those of us in Congress who long have urged export decontrol." That was in 1999, a year after the U.S. indicted Wadih El Hage in the plot to bomb two American embassies in East Africa. According to the indictment, El Hage sent encrypted e-mails to associates in al-Qaeda. Since becoming Attorney General, Ashcroft has not pushed to change the policy.
How much more hypocritical and cowardly does it get than this? Ashcroft publicly blamed someone else for a policy that he made happen -- over the objection of the Administration he blamed! For his next trick, Ashcroft's probably going to argue that Democrats are to blame because the Patriot Act violates civil rights!
Man, every time I think I have identified the most disgusting, disgraceful and evil member of this administration and the Republican Party, one of 'em says or does something to make me think I had it wrong. Who's worse -- Cheney? Ashcroft? Bush himself? Rummy? The neocons in the Pentagon? You can't choose, man. They're all disgusting, disgraceful and evil.
THE KIND OF PEOPLE THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION ARE
Remember, they're supposed to be our leaders and supposed to be watching out for American national security.
But when Ambassador Joseph Wilson blew the whistle on them, they abrogated their duty to this country and those working for its protection -- all to wreak revenge on someone who'd impacted their agenda. Wilson pointed out to the public that Bush had deliberately lied when he infamously put the yellowcake uranium claim in his 2003 State of the Union address. He pointed out that he had told the CIA that the claims could not have been true -- and that the CIA had passed that report on to the White House. He offered up the truth to the American people about the lies and manipulations that Bush will stoop to in order to carry out his pre-determined agenda. And as payback, the White House -- specifically Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney's chief of staff -- deliberately blew the cover of Wilson's CIA operative wife by leaking her name to Robert Novak, who published it.
This woman had put her life on the line for our country. She'd given her entire career to the cause of protecting our country by getting critical information. And then in one short motion, that career came to an end and her life was placed in danger, all because of a petty manuver by a petulent administration that was ticked off about getting caught red-handed in a lie.
But not only Wilson's wife was damaged. Who knows how many of her contacts overseas were exposed as a result of this slimy counterpunch by the snakes who've taken up residence in our White House? Who knows what information we might have obtained, or plots we might have uncovered, that we will not now... because this woman's contacts were either discovered or had to go "dark" for a while to avoid discovery?
Conservatives like to whine about liberals undermining the war effort. Sinclair Brooadcast Group violated the Constitution (drawing the furor of Senator McCain) because they claimed that remembering our dead "undermined the war effort." Bill O'Reilly (I am utterly and wholly ashamed that Fox's resident piece of garbage graduated from my alma mater; Boston U has more to be proud of in Howard Stern than in Bill O'Blowhard) argued that CBS "endangered American lives" by airing the photos of the reprehensible conduct of some of our soldiers in Iraq. (Hmm... hey Billy, I'd argue that those soldiers endangered the lives of their brothers in arms, not CBS. Had they behaved humanely, there would have been no photos to put on the air.)
But when this president, this vice president, and their staff deliberately undermine American national security simply to extract retribution on a political enemy, conservatives are silent. Gee, I wonder why? Could it be that all their talk about national security and patriotism is simply a lie, designed to distract the public from their own failed policies and extremist agenda? Naaaaah... it couldn't be. Because that would make conservatives hypocritical phonies, wouldn't it?
