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June 29, 2004
BARBIE, YOU TRAMP!
So it looks like Barbie ditched her long time beau, Ken, for... some Aussie surfer dude named Blaine?
Yes, kids, that little tramp Barbie is off running around with some buff young dingo, says Mattel. Blaine won a popularity contest on the Web, and the next thing you know, he's hanging ten (ahem!) with our formerly innocent little Barbie. Who knows what sick and perverse things this 'Blaine' is into? I don't even want to know what "shooting the curl" means. And do we know if this boy is anatomically correct? I mean, Ken was a nice eunuch boy - but this 'Blaine' ... do you know anything about his family? Where he comes from?
Listen, Barbie... I know all about guys like this. You're just a toy to him. He's telling you he loves you, but whenever you're away on business, he's hittin' it with the Baywatch action figure down the beach. He's probably right now down at the bar, bragging to G.I. Joe about the little outfits he gets you to wear for him. He's just a plastic guy, Barbie - all good looks with nothing inside him!
The saddest thing about this story isn't that I noticed it (although that is the most frightening thing about this story). The saddest thing is that when I saw that an Australian hunky surfer type has swept Barbie off her feet, I immediately thought of Hamish (my Aussie friend of the May trip to California fame)... and said to myself, "Well, I've seen Hamish operate here in the States, and how the chicks like the accent... Yeah, he probably could win her over."
How sad is my life that I see news stories about the budding romance between two plastic dolls, and then think of a good friend & project his personality onto one of those dolls? I am in need of some serious professsional help.
