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June 23, 2004
THE WHEELS ARE COMING OFF THE MACHINE
It's ironic since I chose a career in the field of hyping things, but I hate anything that's overhyped. Anything or anyone who gets massive amounts of attention, lots of fawning media, or the love of the millions of sheep-citizens who like whatever they're told is "in" to like... well, it's almost a dead-lock cinch that I'm gonna hate it or them - and will close my mind to them often without giving it a chance. I just hate hype. This peculiarity of mine ranges from the Harry Potter books to feng shui to Six Feet Under and The Sorpranos.
It also extends to people - the more someone is proclaimed great by the media, the more I dislike the person. And one of my least favorite athletes in all of sport is Tiger Woods. I hate that his maniacal father programmed him like a robot from the day of his birth. I hate that Nike handed him a $45 million dollar endorsement deal before he'd ever even won a tournament. I hate that in every golf tournament, the headline or radio update is always to the tune of, "Tiger Woods shot a 74 today and is 6 over - 11 shots off the lead at the Generic Classic today in Podunk. [Insert name of any other golfer] is the leader with one round to play." (Who the frick cares how far Tiger stupid Woods is back? Some poor slob is winning a tournament, and you're denying him his time in the spotlight to tell me that one other guy is 11 shots back?)
So it's giving me great pleasure to see the wheels coming off of the robotic hype machine that is Tiger Woods. I've always suspected that Woods is probably not a real good guy - for which I blame his controlling, programming father... how can anybody who was raised for one thing and one thing only have any element of a decent personality - and how can anyone who's fawned over and told by the media and adoring sheep fans that he's the greatest ever have any semblance of humility? Well, Woods has not only been playing mediocre golf for two-plus years, but now he's showing his true personality - and the press is noticiing.
Monday's Washington Post contained this column about what a spoiled little punk Woods is turning out to be. My favorite parts?
At what point do we say this is no slump, this is who Tiger Woods really is? What if the former Wonder Boy is just a sour complainer named Eldrick whose manners are as lousy as his play is disappointing? ... My first suggestion for Woods's immediate and long-term recovery is that he spend four years in the Peace Corps. Planting crops in Ethiopia or Zaire while teaching children to read and write would have a salutary effect on his attitude, which at the moment resembles that of a spoiled Venetian princess...
NBC analyst Johnny Miller, who may be the most truthful voice in sports television, summed up Woods's reaction. Miller said, "What's really amazing is to notice... is how sensitive the players are to anything that isn't just lamby-pamby nice."
Miller hit it right on the head: Tiger Woods can't handle it if you won't kiss his ass. If you're going to be honest or candid in your assessment, if you're going to be at all critical, he can't take it, and he turns into a jerk. He's not that far from Barry Bonds territory - and after the last decade of Tiger Woods saturation, these days are the first time I've actually enjoyed media coverage of him.
