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July 31, 2004
WORST. SONGS. EVER.
Those of you who know me personally know that I've never quite gotten Florida out of my system - even months after it really ought to be completely out. No, despite all of your advice -- and the occasional slaps to the side of my head -- some elements of that whole experience continue to be part of me. (Doc & Erika... please, let's not start using the comment field to smack me -- or anyone else -- around, okay?)
Some of it is conscious - like my oft-stated desire to quit the rat race, go open up my beach bar down along the Palm Coast, and spend the rest of my life in a Tommy Bahama print shirt and cargo shorts, listening to Jimmy Buffett and Stevie Ray Vaughn while watching other people get drunk in my bar. (Cousin Joe... I'm hereby naming you my head bartender when I open the place up someday!) Other vestiges of my Florida time pop up unexpectedly - like when a few specific Buffett or Toby Keith songs come on and I need to skip them on the CD.
One of the habits I never ditched is reading the Palm Beach Post. I check it out online now - and it's a good thing I do, because otherwise I might have missed this fun little exercise a few weeks ago. (Yeah, I am just getting around to blogging it now. Sue me.)
The Post did an article about the admittedly subjective subject, "worst songs by great rockers." By including "by great rockers," please note that this eliminates 98.9% of the guiilty pleasure synth-songs of the 80s, prog rock or disco from the 70s, or those god-awful novelty tunes from the 60s. (If we were counting those, "I've Never Been To Me," "Wooly Bully," and "Desert Moon" still make the list.)
No, to make this list, a song has to be an utterly lousy song by an artist who is otherwise at least respectable, if not flat out great. In other words, it's a song by an artist who really should have known better.
The Post's writers came up with a whole bunch of good ones... "In the Ghetto" by Elvis. "Shiny Happy People" by R.E.M.. And my least favorite song of the last five years, "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith. Their list is great. To it, I would add the following suggestions (note: we're picking songs, not careers, otherwise I would say "anything Paul McCartney recorded after 1975"):
The Beach Boys: Kokomo I usually like beach-themed songs, so I don't know exactly why I hate this one so much. Maybe it's because of the hideous Tom Cruise flick it was attached to. Maybe it's because songs with cheesy geographic rhymes belong on Sesame Street. Maybe it's because John Stamos played on it. Or maybe it's just because this song freaking sucks.
The Beatles: Octopus' Garden Did Ringo have it in his contract that the boys had to let him sing on every album? Hey Ringo... I say, you're lucky the other three let you carry their amps into the studio - so be glad you're there, shut up, and just drum when Paul tells you to.
The Who: Athena She's just a girl????? She's a bommmmmmmmmb. And so is this freaking song.
Elton John: The Disney Years I realize that, as I do not have children yet and many of you do, this will be an unpopular choice. But I honestly think that Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductions should be revocable if the artist proves himself unworthy of the distinction after they slow down. And anything that ol' Reggie Dwight did for "The Lion King" certainly qualifies as slowing down. I hate "Circle of Life" too, but if I had to pick one, it's that insipid "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" that drives me most up a wall.
Pearl Jam: Last Kiss Hi, we're Pearl Jam. We're great, but we've lost urgency. And our label is pressuring us for a single or something that they can release. So we're going to record a version of one of the singularly most overly melodramatic and silly songs the early 60s ever produced... and release that as our big single! We sang with a cutting eye about violence in our schools in "Jeremy," about incest in "Daughter," and hauntingly about lost love in "Black" -- but now we're reduced to copping bad 60s melodrama. What's next - a cover of "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro?
Your submissions now being accepted in the comment field below.
Posted by Christopher at 12:58 AM | Comments (0)SETTING THE STAGE
ESPN.com recently ran an article on the Texas Rangers' young infield - already one of the best in the game, and the players are all under the age of 28. One of the lines in the article that caught my eye was this one:
[Hank] Blalock, like [Michael] Young, has emerged as a no-frills team leader: when asked what song he wanted played on the public address system for each of his at-bats, Blalock didn't want one, saying, "Hey, I'm a hitter, not a musician."
Well Hank... I was both. And while I respect your single-minded focus on the game, I never thought about it the same way. I get jazzed from the idea of playing some good old-fashioned pump-up music as players go to bat.
My own baseball career didn't work out... a foolish decision to play football senior year cost me my left knee and any baseball future I might have had. But had I made it... this article made me wonder which songs I might have played when i came up to bat.
I love "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC... absolutely love it. I'd love to hear that song playing while I walked up to the plate. There's two problems with using it though: the build up takes a good 30 seconds, and it doesn't take more than 10 to walk to the plate from the on-deck circle; also, the Padres' reliever Trevor Hoffman has pretty much patented the song as his entrance theme. So I guess I can't use that one. "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns-n-Roses is also a great pump-me-up song. But Derek Jeter and the Yankees use it, so it has awful associations for me.
So where does that leave me? Hmm... the title has nothing to do with sports, but the guitar riff from Van Halen's "Ain't Talkin' Bout Love" is pretty kick ass, and I could see myself striding to bat to that song with two outs and two on. The beginning of Motley Crue's "Dr. Feelgood" also has an air of adrenalin to it that I could see getting played. "Master of Puppets" by Metallica would be fun, too.
Even though it's more famous as the song Michael Jordan got introduced to, I think "Sirius" by the Alan Parsons Project is one of the best, most adrenalin-inducing instrumentals around. It's less rocking and driving like the hard rock classics I was running through above, but it sounds vaguely dark, like something foreboding is on the way (which is exactly what I'd want the other team thinking if I were coming up).
I love the opening to "Couldn't Stand The Weather" by Stevie Ray Vaughn, but it takes too long to get going. And even though I am not a hip-hop fan, Usher's "Yeah!" has a very cool beat to it that I might enjoy. The "Hawaii Five-O Theme" might have some kitsch value too.
But at the end of the day, if I couldn't use "Hell's Bells," I think I'd have to use some Ozzy Osbourne. "Bark At The Moon," "Crazy Train," "No More Tears," or even "Iron Man" would be awesome.
So why did I waste your time riffing on this? Because I'm curious as to which songs you would use. Come on, guys: it's the bottom of the ninth, there's two out, the tying run is on third, the winning run is on second, and you are coming to bat. What song's playing on the PA system?
Posted by Christopher at 12:02 AM | Comments (1)July 30, 2004
A NEW KIND OF FLUORIDE?
As I've said many, many times... sometimes the stories just write themselves, kids. I could think for an hour and not think of anything else to add to this one. And since my mom occasionally reads this site, I'm not sure I really want to add anything. But darned if I don't want to call it to your attention.
Women Say Dentist Made Them Swallow Semen
CHARLOTTE, N.C. - Former employees of a dentist claim the man made female patients unwittingly swallow his semen during visits to his office. Dr. John Hall is accused by the state dental board of violating dentistry's standard of care, engaging in immoral conduct, and committing sexual assault or battery.
Six former patients say he tricked them into swallowing his semen. A seventh claims he jumped on top of her in the dental chair and "began to gyrate against her lower body in a sexual manner."
You know, while avoiding further comment on this story in general, I will point out my two favorite lines from the whole story:
She also became suspicious when she overheard him tell patients to "swallow" something...
Great... now we're gonna get reported to the cops for this?
Another witness, a 33-year-old woman, said Hall asked his assistant to retrieve something from another room during her appointment in May 2003. While the assistant was gone, she said Hall told her to lie back, open her mouth and swallow. "When I swallowed I tasted it, and it was semen... He told me it was cleaning solution."
So this woman's so much the connoisseur that even when high on nitrous oxide and numbed with novocaine, she knows she isn't tasting cleaning solution.
I wonder if she has a sister?
Posted by Christopher at 11:44 PM | Comments (0)WAS THE SPIN DOC IN GERMANY???
You know that the Spin Doc is one of my closest friends. As such, I've seen him drive... both observing from another car, and as a passenger in his. And because I've watched you drive, Mike, I just have to ask: when did you go to Germany?
Why do I ask? Check out this headline: "Driver Beaten Up for Observing Speed Limit."
Yes, kids, somewhere in Germany, a driver got beaten up by a road rager who was apparently upset that he was "only" driving the speed limit.
A German truck driver beat up a motorist he believed was driving too slowly in a case of 'road rage' in a country famous for having no limits on stretches of its motorways. The trucker got in a fight with a car driver who had been slowing him down by observing a 30 km-an-hour (18 mph) speed limit in a built-up area.
The only question I have, Doc, is whether this counts points on your US license.
Posted by Christopher at 11:23 PM | Comments (0)A LEGEND CHEAPENS HIS LEGACY
Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Randy "The Big Unit" Johnson is one of the five greatest lefthanded pitchers ever to play the game. He's struck out more than 4,000 hitters, thrown a perfect game, won five Cy Young Awards, won 238 games, and has been the dominant force in the game for more than a decade. He's a first ballot Hall of Famer, and one of the all time greats.
But he cheapened that legacy this week. He tried to force a trade to the New York Yankees - whether that was going to help the D-backs or not.
There are a hundred things I could write about why Johnson's so in the wrong. But ESPN.com Page 2 columnist Eric Neel wrote them all down for me. His column summarizes my thinking on Johnson's little stunt. A couple of excerpts:
"So Randy Johnson wants to be a Yankee ... He says NO to the Dodgers, NO to the Angels, NO to anyone but the Bombers. That's weak. That's just a whorish glory grab. Why not go to work for Microsoft while you're at it? Why not jump in with Goliath and teach little David a lesson?
Or what if he'd said, "Yeah, these are lean times, but the Diamondbacks are my team, and this is where I want to be." What if he'd stayed with the ship, honored his contract, stuck by his word? He plays one of those parts and we're not just putting him in the Hall when it's all said and done. We're putting his mug on Rushmore. We're talking about a solid-gold dollar coin known simply as The Big Unit rolling off the line at the Franklin Mint. But no. That's not how Randy sees himself. He'd apparently rather wear pinstripes. Well, you better look again, RJ, because you look cheap in them."
VULTURE UPDATE
So my fantasy baseball team, the Vice City Vultures, have been in first place for most of the season... and with the exception of two short one-day slips to second place, we've been in first since just before the all-star break. Going into tonight, we had built up our lead to double digits again - 10.5 points.
The strong performance to date didn't stop me from wanting to make some last-minute deals at the trading deadline (tomorrow) to shore up my roster for the stretch run. I felt that the Vultures had some holes in the lineup (lack of speed, weak in extra base hits, need to score more runs, and needing a better #4 starting pitcher) that looked more and more glaring the more I looked at them. So I hit the trading floor hoping to make some deals; the other owners don't usually like to help the guy in first improve his team, so I didn't know if I'd be successful... but we did make two trades that filled those holes better than I could ever have hoped.
I sent Aubrey Huff, Craig Wilson, Danny Bautista and Kenny Rogers to Tim's Hazzard County Dukes for Philadelphia's stud Bobby Abreu, and all-star 2b Mark Loretta. Abreu may well join the 40/40 club this year (40 HRs, 40 SB), and Loretta is having a great year as well. Then, I sent Omar Vizquel and Francisco Rodriguez to the Visigoths for St. Louis pitcher Jason Marquis - who's a surprising 11-4 so far this year.
The trades I have made since June have depleted my bench; one injury and I am basically screwed. But our starting lineup feels, if you'll pardon my arrogance, as strong as anyone in the league. If we stay healthy, I honestly don't think anyone's going to catch us.
Barring injuries, here's your Vice City Vultures' lineup for the rest of the year:
1b: Albert Pujols; 2b Tony Womack; 3b: Scott Rolen; SS: Adam Everett; C: A.J. Pierzynski; OF: Miguel Cabrera, Bobby Abreu, Chone Figgins; DH: Mark Loretta.
SP: Pedro Martinez, Mark Mulder, Mark Prior, Jason Marquis, Jason Johnson
RP: Jason Isringhausen, Octavio Dotel
YOU'RE RIGHT, MR. BUSH
So Bush was out there today, criticizing Kerry and saying that speeches don't count -- that "results matter."
You know what? I couldn't agree more, Mr. Bush. So let's take a look at your results, shall we?
We just found out today that this year's federal budget deficit will exceed $420 billion. That's the biggest deficit in American history. No president - not Carter, not Reagan, not Daddy Bush - ever ran up deficits this large. Ever. Between the war you started in Iraq and the tax cuts for the rich that you forced through upon the backs of the middle class, you've done real well for us, haven't you?
I always learned in school that if you subtract from what you are taking in, and add to what you expend out, you end up with zero in a hurry. Thanks for the bankruptcy, George.
Well... maybe deficits aren't so bad, you say? (Guess we have to forget about that whole Contract On -- I mean, Contract With America thing that Republicans swept to power on back in 1994, the first promise of which was a balanced budget amendment?) Well all right... let's take a look at how Americans have fared under your leadership.
Let's see... here it is, right here from the Internal Revenue Service, published in the New York Times. Whoops! Guess what?! It turns out that Americans' income has dropped for two years in a row in 2001 and 2002 -- the first time we've seen a two year drop since World War II. So in other words, the average American has done more poorly financially under George W. Bush's stewardship than under any president in 60 years.
"...before the recent drop the last decline posted for even one year was 1953."
In other words, even before the Iraq war, Bush is screwing up Americans' incomes at a level that hasn't been seen in 50 years. Hmmm... guess we'd better not use the economy as a talking point for you, should we, George?
Especially in light of this little tidbit: even as your incomes drop for two years running, the average pay raise for CEOs more than doubled in 2003.
"The CEOs at the nation's largest companies saw their raises more than doubled in 2003 as the median raise handed out by S&P 500 companies to their top executives was 22.18 percent, according to a study by The Corporate Library."So, just to recap... while your salary's gone down two years running under George W. Bush, CEOs are doubling their raises. Anyone still want to argue that Bush is looking out for the average worker, as opposed to the corporate elite?
I always hear conservatives saying that for any foibles Bush may have with Iraq, he'll still be better than Kerry for the economy. Wow... Bush has run up a record deficit, and has presided over the first two-years-consecutive drop in incomes in 60 years... and will be the first president to preside over an overall loss in jobs during his term since Herbert Hoover 75 years ago. So with Bush racking up the worst economic record in 60-75 years, is anyone really going to sit here and tell me that Bush's economic agenda is a good reason to vote for him?
Bush is right: results do matter. Don't forget that, ladies and gentlemen.
Posted by Christopher at 10:46 PM | Comments (0)THE MAN WHO CHANGED EVERYTHING
We all like the idea that we'll be remembered when we're gone. Most would be happy if this meant that our families and some friends felt a loss when we pass on, that we had some impact on those who were closest to us. A few of us more attention-needing, delusions of grandeur-having types (okay, me!) would like to believe that we'll make our mark on the world enough to where, when we go, Jennings, Brokaw, and Rather will make note of it.
These are fine aspirations, But every once in a while, a human being comes along who doesn't just make a mark -- the person changes the world, and the way humanity lives in it - forever. One such giant left us this week, though the level of attention paid to him was surprisingly low. Sir Francis Crick was the co-discoverer of DNA - the basic building blocks of the human animal. He died Thursday at the age of 88.
If you think about all the changes and breakthroughs that were made possible by the discovery of the elements of the human gene, you quickly understand what a legacy Crick leaves behind. The knowledge of DNA led to medical breakthroughs that enabled us to overcome disease, understand aging, and even begin preventative genetic analysis and treatments. People today live longer, healthier lives because of the work of this one man and his partner James Watson. (And if you think about the sociological impact of humans living longer... their influence gets even greater.)
Food production changed forever because of Francis Crick's work. Criminal justice has changed forever because of Francis Crick's work. Pharamaceutical research has changed forever because of Francis Crick's work. Whoever you are, the odds are incredibly high that you will live longer because of the work of Francis Crick.
Not a bad legacy, huh?
Goodbye, Mr. Crick... and thank you.
Posted by Christopher at 10:27 PM | Comments (0)THANK YOU
First, let me just tell you that I had to work very late tonight (sent my last work related e-mail at 12:12 am), and so I missed Kerry's speech. I have two e-mails in my inbox already from people who saw it and loved it, so I assume it went well... but I wasn't able to observe it, so I can't review it.
There was just one thing I wanted to do tonight ... and that is to say thank you. Because it was one year ago tonight (July 29) that - with encouragement from the Doc - that this blog was born.
As I explained in the comments during our debates last week, I really just tossed this thing up on the cyberwall because I was afraid that writing about business every day was hurting my creativity, and I wanted to reinvigorate my creative writing skills. So a blog was born... and no one noticed.
Not at first, anyway. Between July 29 and mid-December, I only had a total of about 1800 hits on this site - and most of them, I suspect, were me refreshing the page while I tried to figure out formatting and kept reading what I'd written. 1800 in five months... just a little unknown corner of the blogosphere.
In December, Doc suggested that since I am usually complaining about something, I should change the name of the site from "Christopher's Take" to "The Chronic Curmudgeon" - and so I did, and an alter ego was born. And then we got our first "break" -- when Tim discovered"the other Tim Blair" -- this one a very right wing commentator from Australia who makes my frequent commenter friend Alan look like a Kennedy or a Wellstone. The moderate American Tim Blair wrote to the right wing Aussie Tim Blair and they mutually linked blogs... and when I made the mistake of heading to the Aussie site and commenting, I started getting angry crossover hits from conservatives who wanted to come to my site to tell me how wrong I was. ;-)
At about the same time, I discovered some of the Blog Search Engines, like Blogorama and BlogWise, so I signed up for the hell of it... and between December 13 and February 13, the hit counterjumped from 1800 to 4800. Okay, 3000 in two months isn't much really, but to me it seemed like a lot ... 1500 times a month, someone came by my site to see what I had written. And at least 750 of those each month weren'tme. I figured this was pretty cool, so I started trying to do a little more.
The first blog I found in the directories that I wanted to link to was JoFish over at The Democratic Veteran. From JoFish, I found Marine's Girl. A little while later, I signed up for BlogCritics. And suddenly, people started dropping by... and this little writing exercise became something more important, and something I took more seriously than just a writing exercise.
Today, on the one year anniversary, the hit counter reads 24,462... more than 20,000 viewsin the last five months, and I think that up to 5,000 of them might not even be me refreshing the page. Actually, from SiteMeter I can tell that about 100 people a day come here (that's visits, not page views). We've developed a little community here...
Beyond Doc, Tim, Erika and I hurling insults at one another, we get regular (or unleaded) thoughts from MG, Mike, Brenda H, Nancy, cousin Joe, Unca Jer, Shari, Andrew, Alan H, Sarah, Mileah, Jillian, Brent, Pemagnet (and by the way, pemagnet, I finally think I know who you are!), ValorKnight (and by the way, what an absolute honor that a Marine in Iraq actually has spent some of his occasional few minutes with Net access looking at my little blog... you wanna talk about "I'm not worthy???!!!"), WallyCoxLives, Pete (who's a much better writer than I am, dammit - I'll hold it against him forever! ... seriously, guys, for sheer quality writing, Pete's as good as it gets- and he's less politicalthan I am too!), UsefulGuy, Ethan, Ptiza, Brian, and even my mother (the infamous "Curmymom").
All I can say is thank you to one and all of you for reading every now and then, and for taking the time to comment now and then (or an awful lot as the case may be). Those of you who stop by often but don't comment, please do once in a while. (This means you, Campbell.) We really don't bite - although Alan might disagree with that. ;-)
Thank you for reading, thank you for letting me know what you think, thank you for the confidence and ego boost that come from knowing that there are at least a few people who actually want to read what you had to write today, and thanks for the encouragement (from those of you who have encouraged me). This has been a great experience this past year, and you guys have made it so. Here's to another healthy and safe year for everyone. .................The 'Mudge
P.S. Don't let this show of sentimentality fool you. I'm still going to bitch about everything.
P.P.S. Anyone who knows how to reformat a freaking blog site, please e-mail me at thechroniccurmudegon@hotmail.com. I'm sick of this grey-on-blue format, it's time to get better font and a white background like civilized people. But seeing as how I have about as many technical smarts as Doc has hairs on his head, it's never going to happen unless someone helps me through it step by step.
Posted by Christopher at 12:30 AM | Comments (0)July 28, 2004
GOOSEBUMPS
Because I have been involved in politics for much of my life from the inside, I tend to observe political mechanics with a different eye than many. Not with a cynical eye so much, just a knowing one. In my life, I've known Senators and Congressmen, and have met two presidents and a vice president. Very little fazes me in that regard; I am more realistic than idealistic. In my whole life, I have only had one speech give me goosebumps -- Mario Cuomo's address at the 1984 Democratic Convention.
Tonight, I had them again.
John Edwards spoke to the Democrats in Boston and to Americans across the country tonight. If any of you ever want to know the speech I've always wanted to write or to give, you heard it tonight.
I supported John Kerry as far back as 2002; I'll be honest, my primary reason was that the pragmatic side of me believed he was the Democrat with the best chance to defeat Bush. As the primaries played out, though, I started listening to Edwards' stump speech, and the pragmatist took a back seat to the idealist in me. The New York primary was a foregone conclusion by election day... so even after having contributed a couple hundred dollars to Kerry, I gave in to my idealistic side and voted for Edwards. Tonight, I felt better about that vote than any other I have ever cast.
It wasn't just that a trained speaker hit a home run when it was his turn at the plate. It was what he said. I turned the speech on absent-mindedly while checking fantasy baseball scores, just to see how he'd do; two minutes in, I was sitting on the edge of my sofa, the laptop left behind on my desk, hanging on everything Edwards said.
When he said we're going to pay for our agenda by keeping the tax cuts for 98% of Americans, I applauded in my living room. When he talked about how we need to value and respect the hard-working people who've lived up to their end of the bargain by working full time jobs and who yet still live in poverty, I pumped my fists in agreement. When he talked about how there doesn't have to be two Americas - one for the affluent and one for the rest of us - I said, "YESSSS!!" to no one in particular. When he talked of respecting the sacrifices and the courage of our armed forces, I got goosebumps. When he recalled the horror of 9/11 and said that al Qaida cannot run, cannot hide -- that we will destroy them... I stood up, energized with enough adrenalin that I could have put on the uniform again and joined the battle this very evening. And when he reminded us of the wife and mother who's struggling right now because her husband in the National Guard was called up a year ago and still hasn't been allowed to come home, I was moved to the point that my eyes welled up.
Yes, Democrats sometimes go through a litany or laundry list... I'll admit, sometimes our candidates' speeches sound like they're just pandering to our list of interest groups. But Edwards tonight didn't hit them because he was reading from the list... it was just because his vision for America includes them all.
Between the tax credits for child care, and the promise to both eliminate tax breaks for companies who outsource American jobs, and to give tax breaks to companies who keep their jobs here, I'm sold. Add in the $4,000 tax credit for college tuition, and I'm really on board.
There was hope, there was vision, there was toughness, there was idealism... and I for one am inspired. I don't even care what Kerry says tomorrow. Edwards is someone I'm going to enjoy having as my Vice-President. I want this guy involved in making the policy of my country. After that speech, I'm ready to go into the trenches with this guy. I don't have reactions to political speeches; I write them. But tonight, I got goosebumps.
For another, perhaps more objective analysis of Edwards' speech, read here.
You want to know what kind of Democrat I am? John Edwards told you tonight.
July 27, 2004
THE POSTS ARE THE WINDOWS ON THE SOUL(LESS)
Those of you who work in a corporate setting probably know what Craig's List is...for those of you who don't, here's a short description. Basically, it's a community bulletin board that started in San Francisco in the early days of the Web, a big network of people who share job leads, invites to parties, things for sale, places to live... like one big extended network. By 2000 it had evolved into the most effective job resource for the "new economy" in San Francisco, and today there are versions in more than 50 cities around the country.
There have been some famous (and infamous) postings on Craig's List... I remember one that was talked about quite a bit two years ago, when the San Francisco Giants were in the 2002 World Series ... an anonymous self-described "26 year old, very attractive blonde who's done modeling" offered... well... herself for the length of the World Series to any gentleman who had tickets to the Series games (should the Giants make it) on at least the field level and was willing to take her. (I was out there for work that August, right about the time the post went up, and lo and behold who pointed it out but my good friend Dave... somehow, I am not surprised that he noticed it.)
But someone sent me a link today from a Craig's List post from last month that made me laugh so hard I actually had tears in my eyes... I sent it to a colleague, and she laughed almost as hard. Someone who has clearly had it with the soulless life that is corporate America has authored a brilliant piece entitled simply, "Why We All Drink." His rationalization is instantly recognizable and understood by anyone who's ever sat in a cube, looking at the Dilbert cartoons they've cut out of the paper and push-pinned to their wall... trying to remember what it was like to feel creative. Recognizable, and ringing so true that you couldn't help but laugh at your own circumstance. A few excerpts:
"I don't remember hearing in college "by the way, 89% of you will make a living by incessantly calling uninterested parties via the telephone and trying like holy hell to get them to purchase something you yourself don't even understand or believe in, enjoy, you're doing yeoman work!" So, we drink, we drink to wash it all away, to silence the demons that fester in our skulls Monday through Friday... So we drink, we drink to forget and to forgive. To forget the past 5 days, and forgive ourselves for what we're about to do in the next two. To forgive ourselves for not becoming what we always dreamed. To forgive ourselves the rampant complacency that has taken a hold of us as we watch our lives slip away, one company-wide email at a time."
"We drink because Katie, our manager, is so insecure she actually makes breathing awkward. We drink because Bruce, the VP of being a incredible ass-face (and Biz-Dev) insists upon wearing enough cologne to the point where lighting a match anywhere near him is potentially life threatening."
"We drink because if we have to endure one more Friday afternoon meeting, we might just projectile vomit in Kevin's glandular, gnome like face. Just because you don't have a life doesn't mean the rest of us want to sit down at 4:45 on a Friday to discuss the company's direction for Q3."
"We drink because there's no such thing as a good week of work. We drink because if Jessica doesn't say, "this is a mission critical decision" at least 4 times a week, it means she was out sick three days. Jessica, it's an office supply order for Staples, how in HOLY HELL is that mission critical? Do you even know what mission critical means? Do you? You're the office manager, not the board chairman, the phrase "mission critical" should never, EVER come out of your mouth."
"We drink because we all know that "lunch and learn" really means "this will be the worst lunch you'll have all week" as we're forced to share low-rent burritos at Chevy's and listen to some hired-gun of a sales guy tell us all how we have to "want it" more than the other guy. Hey Chet, this is software sales, not rugby, now f*** off."
I swear to you, this guy's rant is so true to life that I wasn't sure if I had tears in my eyes because I thought it was that funny, orclose enoughto home to make me cry on its own. (I've suffered through years of Friday afternoon meetings, clueless marketing people, and I will swear on a stack of Writer's Digests that I know someone just like every single one of the people this guy harpoons in his rant.)
Funniest business-related thing I have read in all of 1H04 (that's the first six months of the year, for anyone who doesn't speak corporate acronym-speak). Strongly recommended for anyone who lives in corporate-ville.
Read the whole thing here.
OH YEAH? WELL... BUSH IS A POOPYHEAD! NEENER, NEENER, NEENER!
I'm rather baffled at the utterly childish tactic we saw out of the Bush people over the last 24 hours. Is there really nothing more they can offer us than, "Hey look - we have a picture of the other guy looking silly?"
Really, it's such an undignified and disrespectful tactic - and beneath the intelligence of Republican supporters, as well as the rest of the public. First of all, any Republican who went to the Space Center and did that tour would have worn the same getup. Second, if they're really so bereft of thought or ideas that the best they can do is show silly photos of Kerry, they're basically at the equivalent of a whoopee cushion on his seat at the debates. (Then again, that may actually be the best they can offer... has anyone heard Bush talk about what he would do ina second term, instead of just how bad Kerry is? Didn't think so - because Bush hasn't talked about anything on his agenda for a second term.)
Now the Democrats did respond by re-issuing similarly silly photos of Bush. Again, it's beneath all of our dignity to be playing this game. However, as it's been argued to me in the past by some of Bush's defenders, you have to fight fire with fire... and there is a part of me that is thrilled to see Democrats giving it right back to the Republicans,fighting backat their levels after 20 years of just taking it and trying to be high minded.
However, at the end of the day, it's still a silly game, it's beneath the dignity of the American people, and they need to knock it off - all of them. Talk about the issues, and tell me what you're going to do if I vote for you. Don't waste my time with kindergarten games.
Posted by Christopher at 10:32 PM | Comments (0)DIFFERENT STROKES, I GUESS
So I'm reading MSNBC.com today, and I look in their travel section... and there, what to my disbelieving eyes should appear but a travel guide for a road trip to my own personal corner of hell, the Hudson Valley area of New York. It would seem that others don't take the same issue with this place - in fact, they kind of think it's beautiful to visit.
Actually, if I were removing all cynicism for a moment, this area is beautiful, really. And there's lots of history to go check out. If you're not from the area, this actually might be a fun and interesting place to visit. It's just not the place for me to live, that's all.
But... in the interest of fairness and giving things a fair shake, I present to you this guide to a road trip "Up the Nines" in the Hudson Valley. The Nines are routes 9 (east side of the Hudson) and 9W (west side), the more scenic and local of the roads that travel upstate from New York City. The author does point out that there are actually a number of really interesting things to see in this area - and suggests that a three day road trip is perfect for seeing them.
I've lived in this area for five and a half years now (about 3 1/2 longer than I ever expected to, but that's another story); for the first two years, I lived in the second section he highlights, and for the last three-plus years I have lived in the first section he highlights, closest to New York City. I've eaten at the restaurant he mentions in Cold Spring... and even I have to admit, Cold Spring is a pretty cool quaint little town. Good restaurants, fun little shops... cool place.
I've spent several afternoons geekily indulging my interest in history at FDR's house and library, and I've visited the Vanderbilt home as well. One more thing I will acknowledge... the Hudson Valley is picture postcard beautiful nature; the views of the wide swath the river cuts through New York are breathtaking in many places. And I have to say, probably the most fun I have had since I moved here to NY (except for the night that Tim, the Doc and I went into the city to hang out at the legendary punk club CBGB's - another story for another day) was a weekend hiking and driving tour with friends through the Hudson Valley wine country that the author writes about in section 4. Truly an enjoyable fall Sunday, that was.
So, bottom line, am I really being inconsistent enough to recommend that you consider a visit to a place I have constantly ranted about wanting to leave since I started this blog? Yes, I am. As much as I wish I were living somewhere else, I must admit that the area does have its charm, and is worth a visit if you're ever near the area. So do check the article out, and if you're nearby, check the area out.
WASN'T THIS A MONTY PYTHON SKIT ONCE?
Remember the old Python bit about the gangs of grannies roaming the streets of England, beating up on young men and terrorizing the population with purse muggings? I couldn't help but think of that skit when I read this story:
ROME, Italy (Reuters)-- Italian police have arrested an 80-year-old great-grandmother suspected of drugging and robbing easily fooled victims for years to feed her gambling habit.
Vittoria Benetti was detained after her last victim, a 70-year-old woman travelling in the same train compartment, identified her in a photo, Italian media reported Saturday. Benetti drugged her with a cup of coffee and then escaped with 1,000 euros ($1,226) which she promptly spent at a casino in neighboring Slovenia.
Let this be a lesson to you all: don't take any coffee from strange elderly women!
KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED
It's no secret that I hate the Yankees and everything they stand for. Personally, I wouldn't mind seeing the lot of them have hamstring and groin pulls all season long - and Steinbrenner is a candidate for permanent dysentery.However, all jokes are quickly shoved to the side when someone's life is potentially at stake.
Jason Giambi, the Yankee first baseman and former American League MVP, is undergoing tests to determine if he might have a potentially fatal condition caused by intestinal parasites. Only 33, Giambi has been suffering from weakness for months now, and no tests have revealed anything - he's tested negative for HIV and cancer.Today, this story broke:
Giambi's trainer, Bob Alejo, told the Newark Star-Ledger that the All-Star first baseman is being tested for a dangerous parasite called entamoeba histolytica.
According to Alejo's account in the newspaper, the parasite can cause a potentially fatal condition called amebiasis and can embed itself in the intestinal lining, making it undetectable except by very specific tests.
Here's hoping thatJason Giambi's doctors can find out what's wrong with him in a hurry, and that he gets well very soon.When he's wearing the pinstripes, he's the enemy -- but off the field he's a fellow human being, and I really will be keeping my fingers crossed for the guy. You should too.
July 25, 2004
INSTANT CLASSICS
If you're a baseball fan, you have to love what's happening between the Red Sox and Yankees this year.
Sure, you could tell me that those two teams have the highest and third highest payrolls in baseball, and it is spending like that -- Boston included -- that is damaging the game and running small market teams out of competition. And you could tell me that when basically only two teams are in the market for the big-name players as the trading deadline approaches. And you could tell me that the east coast-centric media overhypes the New York-Boston rivalry at the expense of the stories in the rest of baseball. You know what? You'd be right on all counts.
But none of that matters when these two teams take the field.If you don't absolutely love what's been happening between the white lines between the Sox and Yankees, then you're just not a real baseball fan.
I'm not saying this because the Sox have been winning; the games that the Yankees have won have been just as great to watch. The game two weeks ago, when the Yankees came from behind to tie the game late, then won in extra innings after Derek Jeter dove face first into the stands... instant classic. This past Friday night, the Sox took a 4-2 lead into the 6th inning with Curt Schilling on the mound, only to lose to two big doubles in the 9th inning that put the Yankees up 8-7. Again, instant classic.
Yesterday's gamecame complete with an angry bench clearing brawl in which punches were actually thrown - a rarity for baseball brawls; the Yankees taking a 3-0 lead, the Sox coming back to take a 4-3 lead... the Yankees storming back to take a 9-4 lead, only to have the Sox rage back and win the game 11-10 on Bill Mueller's walk-off home run off Mariano Rivera. Again, instant classic.
Tonight, with an atmosphere that resembles a playoff game, the Sox lead 9-2 in the top of the 7th. Kevin Millar has gone 10 for 12 against the Yankees with 4 home runs - another one again tonight. If you're a Yankee fan, tonight's game may not qualify as a classic, but the Sox fan in me has certainly been enjoying it.
This season, the Sox-Yankees series has provided gritty pitching performances and gutsy dives into the stands. It's provided blowout wins for each side, and gut-wrenching classic nail-biters with late inning heroics. It's offered tremendous passion from the fan base of each team, and passion felt just as deeply by the players. Whatever there is to love about baseball, these two teams havegiven this season. So I'll say it again:
If you don't love the Sox-Yankees this year, then you're not a baseball fan.
GETTING OLD SUCKS
True incident that occurred at a party I attended Saturday evening at a colleague & friend's home. We'll call ourhostess"Sally." The incident actually occurred while I was talking to another colleague & friend; we'll call my conversation partner "Annie." I may not have it word for word, but I'm pretty close; the gist of the conversation went something like this:
Mudge: Hey, Annie.
Annie: Hi, Chris.
Mudge: Who was that you were just talking to?
Annie:Who?
Mudge: The really cute woman in the blue top and the denim skirt.Who is that?
Annie: That's Sally's baby sister.
Mudge:Wow. I saw you talking with her just now; you're going to introduce us now, right?
Annie: When I said, "baby sister," I wasn't kidding.
Mudge: Huh?
Annie: Chris, she's 19. She just finished her freshman year of college.
Mudge: Oh. (deflated pause) Is there any more of that crab dip?
I retreated to my spot in the corner to ponder the fact that I'd just been ogling a girl who had been born when I was a senior in high school.
Being old sucks, man.
Posted by Christopher at 01:54 AM | Comments (0)July 24, 2004
JUDGE FOR YOURSELF
Anyone who's been following the comments lately knows that we've been engaged in quite a running battle over the basic issues of George W. Bush's re-election. That in itself is healthy. I've been accused of being blind to the "facts" of Bush's successes and about his motivations for the war in Iraq.
Well, rather than give you my opinion, I'll allow you to judge for yourself. The following is the section of George W. Bush's 2003 State of the Union address, delivered on January 28, 2003, that deals with Saddam Hussein and the justification for war in Iraq. I've added nothing, I've emphasized nothing... the words are exactly as they appear on the White House Web site. Read for yourself, and then you decide whether you feel misled, or safer. Read for yourself, and decide whether you feel you were told that our purpose was to support democracy and rid the world of an eviltyrant, or to eliminate a threat to the United States posed by Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction. I'm specifically not giving you an opinion here in the least. All I suggest is that you read it and judge for yourself. .................... The 'Mudge
"Twelve years ago, Saddam Hussein faced the prospect of being the last casualty in a war he had started and lost. To spare himself, he agreed to disarm of all weapons of mass destruction. For the next 12 years, he systematically violated that agreement. He pursued chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons, even while inspectors were in his country. Nothing to date has restrained him from his pursuit of these weapons-- not economic sanctions, not isolation from the civilized world, not even cruise missile strikes on his military facilities.
Almost three months ago, the United Nations Security Council gave Saddam Hussein his final chance to disarm. He has shown instead utter contempt for the United Nations, and for the opinion of the world. The 108 U.N. inspectors were sent to conduct-- were not sent to conduct a scavenger hunt for hidden materials across a country the size of California. The job of the inspectors is to verify that Iraq's regime is disarming. It is up to Iraq to show exactly where it is hiding its banned weapons, lay those weapons out for the world to see, and destroy them as directed. Nothing like this has happened.
The United Nations concluded in 1999 that Saddam Hussein had biological weapons sufficient to produce over 25,000 liters of anthrax-- enough doses to kill several million people. He hasn't accounted for that material. He's given no evidence that he has destroyed it.
The United Nations concluded that Saddam Hussein had materials sufficient to produce more than 38,000 liters of botulinum toxin-- enough to subject millions of people to death by respiratory failure. He hadn't accounted for that material. He's given no evidence that he has destroyed it.
Our intelligence officials estimate that Saddam Hussein had the materials to produce as much as 500 tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve agent. In such quantities, these chemical agents could also kill untold thousands. He's not accounted for these materials. He has given no evidence that he has destroyed them.
U.S. intelligence indicates that Saddam Hussein had upwards of 30,000 munitions capable of delivering chemical agents. Inspectors recently turned up 16 of them-- despite Iraq's recent declaration denying their existence. Saddam Hussein has not accounted for the remaining 29,984 of these prohibited munitions. He's given no evidence that he has destroyed them.
From three Iraqi defectors we know that Iraq, in the late 1990s, had several mobile biological weapons labs. These are designed to produce germ warfare agents, and can be moved from place to a place to evade inspectors. Saddam Hussein has not disclosed these facilities. He's given no evidence that he has destroyed them.
The International Atomic Energy Agency confirmed in the 1990s that Saddam Hussein had an advanced nuclear weapons development program, had a design for a nuclear weapon and was working on five different methods of enriching uranium for a bomb. The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. Our intelligence sources tell us that he has attempted to purchase high-strength aluminum tubes suitable for nuclear weapons production. Saddam Hussein has not credibly explained these activities. He clearly has much to hide.
The dictator of Iraq is not disarming. To the contrary; he is deceiving. From intelligence sources we know, for instance, that thousands of Iraqi security personnel are at work hiding documents and materials from the U.N. inspectors, sanitizing inspection sites and monitoring the inspectors themselves. Iraqi officials accompany the inspectors in order to intimidate witnesses.
Iraq is blocking U-2 surveillance flights requested by the United Nations. Iraqi intelligence officers are posing as the scientists inspectors are supposed to interview. Real scientists have been coached by Iraqi officials on what to say. Intelligence sources indicate that Saddam Hussein has ordered that scientists who cooperate with U.N. inspectors in disarming Iraq will be killed, along with their families.
Year after year, Saddam Hussein has gone to elaborate lengths, spent enormous sums, taken great risks to build and keep weapons of mass destruction. But why? The only possible explanation, the only possible use he could have for those weapons, is to dominate, intimidate, or attack.
With nuclear arms or a full arsenal of chemical and biological weapons, Saddam Hussein could resume his ambitions of conquest in the Middle East and create deadly havoc in that region. And this Congress and the America people must recognize another threat. Evidence from intelligence sources, secret communications, and statements by people now in custody reveal that Saddam Hussein aids and protects terrorists, including members of al Qaeda. Secretly, and without fingerprints, he could provide one of his hidden weapons to terrorists, or help them develop their own.
Before September the 11th, many in the world believed that Saddam Hussein could be contained. But chemical agents, lethal viruses and shadowy terrorist networks are not easily contained. Imagine those 19 hijackers with other weapons and other plans -- this time armed by Saddam Hussein. It would take one vial, one canister, one crate slipped into this country to bring a day of horror like none we have ever known. We will do everything in our power to make sure that that day never comes. (Applause.)
Some have said we must not act until the threat is imminent. Since when have terrorists and tyrants announced their intentions, politely putting us on notice before they strike? If this threat is permitted to fully and suddenly emerge, all actions, all words, and all recriminations would come too late. Trusting in the sanity and restraint of Saddam Hussein is not a strategy, and it is not an option. (Applause.)
The dictator who is assembling the world's most dangerous weapons has already used them on whole villages -- leaving thousands of his own citizens dead, blind, or disfigured. Iraqi refugees tell us how forced confessions are obtained -- by torturing children while their parents are made to watch. International human rights groups have catalogued other methods used in the torture chambers of Iraq: electric shock, burning with hot irons, dripping acid on the skin, mutilation with electric drills, cutting out tongues, and rape. If this is not evil, then evil has no meaning. (Applause.)
And tonight I have a message for the brave and oppressed people of Iraq: Your enemy is not surrounding your country -- your enemy is ruling your country. (Applause.) And the day he and his regime are removed from power will be the day of your liberation. (Applause.)
The world has waited 12 years for Iraq to disarm. America will not accept a serious and mounting threat to our country, and our friends and our allies. The United States will ask the U.N. Security Council to convene on February the 5th to consider the facts of Iraq's ongoing defiance of the world. Secretary of State Powell will present information and intelligence about Iraqi's legal -- Iraq's illegal weapons programs, its attempt to hide those weapons from inspectors, and its links to terrorist groups.
We will consult. But let there be no misunderstanding: If Saddam Hussein does not fully disarm, for the safety of our people and for the peace of the world, we will lead a coalition to disarm him. (Applause.)
FLUFFY MACKEREL PUDDING
A colleague in the cube farm was laughing uncontrollably the other day. After checking to be sure my fly was zipped, I asked what was so funny. She pointed me to this Website, which features Weight Watchers diet menu cards from 1974, along with pithy commentary on the meals shown.
After having observed the cards, I can only conclude that in the 1970s, Weight Watchers' philosophy was that if you made people eat stuff that looked like it was grown in a petri dish, smelled like it was cooked in gym sock broth, or had a name designed to induce vomiting upon even hearing it... well, they'd choose not to eat and would thus lose weight.
A "Slender Quencher" made with boullion cubes? "Inspiration Soup?" And the ever popular "Fluffy Mackerel Pudding?" Yummy nummy! Gee, I wonder why Weight Watchers didn't really take off until the 80s?!
(By the way, the author of the comments - which are very funny, by the way - has a blog here. Check her out, she is very funny.)
July 23, 2004
AN ARMY OF TWO... OR, BE ALL THAT YOU CAN D
So while there are any number of good reasons to serve our nation in the armed forces, I think I may have just stumbled on the best reason of all to join the Army: you can get your wife (or yourself) bigger bazookas.
Yep, kids, the Army is paying for boob jobs.And while this may seem to you to be a rather ridiculous perky -- I mean perk, I can see the logic in it... I mean, after all, what better motivation could a soldier have for coming home than... er... C-rations?
My tax money is going to fund bigger breasts. I've never been so proud to be an American.
THE NEXT BIG THING IN GERMANY: PSYCHOTHERAPY
I've railed more than once on this site about the current state of the American worker... specifically, the intense pressure and 55-60 hour work week that have become common -- not an anomaly -- in corporate America today. I simply do not know anyone who works less than 10 hours a day (even if they do some of it at home after returning for a couple of perfunctory hours of home-life); many put in 11 or 12 hours routinely, and most of my colleagues and I end up at least checking e-mail over the weekends, if not doing work. I don't think this is healthy, but it's no different at my company than anywhere else... it's what business demands of us today.
I don't think this pressure for "increased productivity" with a "rightsized" work force is nearly as healthy for American businesses as some CEOs and HR partners might think. I also don't know anybody who does not feel overly stressed, overly tired, and like they're close to burning out. And I don't think it's any coincidence that the rate of depression and those seeking therapy to deal with stress have also ballooned in the last decade. Sure, we have the highest standard of living in the world; but I think it's come at the expense of our quality of life.
I've always thought that the Germans had it closer to right when it came to work-life balance. While they weren't as affluent as the US, I don't think anyone would argue that Germany has done pretty well and is a very modern, more affluent society. And they managed to do it all while pretty much working 35 hours a week and while practically giving everybody the month of August off. I've always thought that American business could learn something from the Germans.
Apparently, not anymore. Faced with extensive costs (still) from re-integrating the antiquated and crippled economy of the formerly communist east, the world's second highest labor costs, and struggling to keep up with a rapidly changing global economy, Germany has been forced to re-assess its long-standing social norms.There is a growing feeling that European economies can no longer compete if they continue to emphasize a work-life balance; frankly, they wonder if they can afford to keep giving people so much time off. NBC News has done a very interesting report on the questions Germany and other European countries are asking themselves; read it here.
I think this is a shame.A cliche I have often heard from my European friends - one that I have personally felt rang true - is that Americans live to work, while Europeans work to live. I've always felt that eventually the world would end up having more similar workstyles; I just thought that the US would eventually shift toward the more European style work atmosphere, if for no other reason than that burnout en masse would force us to. Unfortunately, it would appear that the Europeans are moving more toward our workaholic style.
Oh well. At least the psychotherapists in Germany will make a lot more money.Then again, they're going to be the most overworked people in the country soon enough.
REMEMBERING A GREAT COACH
Eddie Robinson coached the Grambling University Tigers' football team for 55 years. During his first season- before Pearl Harbor had been attacked - he wasn't even allowed to use drinking fountains on some road trips. When he reitred, he was venerated as a giant among the titans of the game, having won 408 games and mentored generations of black athletes. Current coachestoday speak of Robinson in reverent tones, and his former players remain dedicated to their now 85 year old coach.
Sadly, Coach Robinson doesn't know anymore how much his players and his sport love him. He's another victim of Alzheimer's disease, and it's preying upon him ina particularly cruel and fast manner.The old coach has degenerated in only the last two years, and is now in the last stages of the disease.
ESPN.com's Adrian Wojnarowski has written a column on Coach Robinson's place in the history of his sport and in our society... and on the one game the Coach cannot win. It's a sad column, a reminder of both the greatness of the man who won't be with us much longer, and of the tragic ravages of Alzheimer's. Read it here.
Thanks, Coach - for everything.
Posted by Christopher at 10:09 PM | Comments (0)THE STORKS HAVE LANDED IN TEXAS
It's a well-known truism that if you stubbornly ignore a reality you don't like to acknowledge, it will just go away, right? And no matter what the facts say or how many are hurt because of your ignorance, you must cling to your position, no matter how untenable it is.
Thisseems to be the belief of the Texas State Board of Education. Despite the fifth highest overallteen pregnancy rate in the country - more than 6 of every 100 women in Texas were pregnant before age 19, according to a 2002 CDC report, and the highest rate of pregnancy among 15-17 yeard olds - the State Board of Ostrichcation - oops, I mean Education - is dismissing a textbook on sex education that refers to condoms, saying it does not conform to state guidelines, because it doesn't emphasize abstinence enough.
Not to worry, though. Texas kids will get some sex education this year. The Board is still considering three other books, however - three books that the Board has declared do conform to Texas standards. You want to know how these books address pregnancy prevention?
Of the four state high school health textbooks under consideration in Texas this summer, one says teenagers should "get plenty of rest" if they want to avoid sexually transmitted diseases. It also suggests students can help prevent pregnancies by respecting themselves. The book avoids any discussion of condoms.
Abstinence is the preferred practice in two more submitted textbooks, which only vaguely refer to "barrier protection," but never explain exactly what that term means.
Yep, kids... you read that right. They've discovered a miracle right there in the Lone Star State.See, while where you and I live, kids get STDs when they have unprotected sex... well down there in Texas, kids are getting sexually transmitted diseases simply by not sleeping enough! And while where you and I live, people avoid pregnancy by using birth control... why, down there in Texas, all you have to do is respect yourself! (Cue Bruce Willis' lame-ass 1987 song.)
The entire Board should be ashamed of itself. They are, in my opinion, guilty of dereliction of their duty to the students of Texas. To deny students accurate scientific information that could in fact save their lives... all in the name of some ridiculous notion that kids onlythink about having sex because teachers tell them about condoms? Criminal.
Look at your teen pregnancy rates, you ignorant morons! Guess what?! They're having sex - whether you like it or not. And because this goes against the "values" of some, all the students in Texas will be put at risk and in danger so as not to offend social conservatives. In other words, an agenda based on social conservative values, even when such an agenda endangers children across the state, is dictating what kids in Texas learn - not science, and not fact.
And the sad irony is, in pursuing this agenda, the Board is ignoring another fact: their abstinence plan doesn't work. Texas' teen pregnancy rates lead the nation. Whatever they've been doing isn't working. So naturally, their solution is to approve textbooks that prescribe plenty of rest as a way of avoiding STD's.
It's a shame. And one would think that if the parents of Texas care about their kids, they'd demand the immediate resignation of the entire State Board.
July 21, 2004
LUCKY
I had a bunch of stuff I was going to write about tonight... and maybe I still will, depending on whether I can sleep. Writing usually is therapy for me anyway. But for now I won't be covering any new topics...
I got home from work tonight (stayed late arguing in the comment field with our friend Alan [g]) to find that there had been an explosion and fire in my complex this afternoon... apparently someone had been redoing their condo, was using polyurethane, there was a spark... and BOOM.
There are three wings to the building I live in; two of them remained relatively undamaged, while one obviously sustained some serious damage.Thankfully, I live in one of the relatively unaffected wings. We can't go into the other wing; I'm told that the residents of that wing haven't yet been allowed back in. I hear from neighbors who were home this afternoon that one unit has been completely destroyed, another is considered beyond repair, there are several others with varying degrees of serious damage, and there are structural concerns yet with the second and third floors in that wing.
Obviously, I'm concerned about the welfare of my neighbors; I can only imagine what it must feel like to not be able to go into your home and survey the damage. I can imagine it, though... when you come up to your complex and see that there's obviously been a fire, all sorts of things go through your head, and for a few minutes there they went through mine.
I don't have a whole lot; I've been a nomad for most of my life, have yet to settle in anyplace for very long, and accordingly haven't accumulated much of value. The furniture and TV and everything are insured, of course... so they could be replaced. I have some irreplaceable stuff: some baseball memorabilia (autographed balls and bats), photo albums, old class rings... stuff like that, where getting money for them wouldn't recover them, you know? Butthat didn't seem to matter when I first saw what had happened... all I could think about was how much it would suck to have to replace everything, and whether my cat was safe. (Yeah, I know... a guy with a cat. Shut up - my cat rocks.)
Thankfully, there doesn't seem to be too much damage in my place - mostly everything just smells of smoke. So the cat and I dodged a bullet. And everything else I was going to write about seems a whole lot less important right now. I hope you'll excuse my skipping out tonight - but I'll be back tomorrow night.
July 20, 2004
DEJA VU (ALL OVER AGAIN)
So I was listening to the radio at work yesterday... I write better when I have background music on; I don't usually pay too close attention to whatever's playing, I just think better when there's music on - and besides, it helps drown out the residual noise that comes from sharing a cube farm with 8 other people.
A song came on that I at first totally drowned out; I wasn't even listening as the announcer cued up the song, or as the guitar chords and words began playing over the air. I sort of noticed that it sounded familiar, both the style and the voice. Then as I started paying more attention, I thought, "this sounds like John Fogerty." Then I listened more closely... the song sounded like "Who'll Stop The Rain," but it clearly wasn't the same song. I didn't think I'd heard this one before, so I focused on it for a moment. And as I listened to the words, the song's powerhit me like a ton of bricks.
"Deja Vu (All Over Again)" is John Fogerty's new song.As the leader of Creedence Clearwater Revival, Fogerty wrote and sang some of the more poignant songs opposing the war in Vietnam during the period from 1968-1972. His songs were so effective because they eschewed bombast and anger (for the most part, though "Fortunate Son" is pretty angry that rich kids - like George W. Bush, for example - didn't go fight in Vietnam in nearly the numbers that kids from poorer families went). His lyrics focused on the sadness and loss that came from the war, the feelings of regret and pain that emerged when once-promising lives were snuffed out for a cause that seemed vain and vague at best, a deliberate deception at worst.
And he's returned to those themes in "Deja Vu" - subtly comparingBush's war in Iraq with Vietnam. He doesn't tilt angrily at the Bush windmill, but rather just plaintively sings that we may have seen this all before, and it doesn't feel good.And in the end chorus, he asks the listener if they've been to read thenames on the Vietnam Wall - aheartbreakingly effective reminder of theparallels.Because I was so moved by the song, I am postingsome of thelyrics here... but I strongly recommend checking them all out on Fogerty's site.
One by one I see the old ghosts rising/Stumblin' 'cross Big Muddy, where the light gets dim/Day after day another Momma's crying/She's lost her precious child to a war that has no end
Did you hear 'em talkin' 'bout it on the radio/Did you stop to read the writing at The Wall/Did that voice inside you say I've seen this all before/It's like Deja Vu all over again... It's like Deja Vu all over again
Here's agreat article on the song written by the Scripps-Howard news service.
Now, we all know who controls radio in this country... so I'm betting you that the song will likely never see the light of ClearChannel's airwaves.ClearChannel will claim that their listenership (you know, the ones held hostage by the fact that ClearChannel owns well over half the stations in most major markets?) doesn't want to hear songs like this, with anti-war or anti-Bush points of view. Of course, we know that's a lie - that ClearChannel's demonstrated a pattern over the last three years of suppressing outspoken lefty artists (anyone hear the Dixie Chicks lately?) while openly endorsing jingoistic crap like Toby Keith's "Courtesy of The Red White & Blue." But they'll cling to the lie.
So let's don't let 'em. Let's call every ClearChannel adult contemporary station in every market (you know the one, 9 times out of 10 it's called "Mix"something) or the classic rock stations and tell them we really want to hear this song. They'll still never play it, but if enough people request it we can at least put the lie to their excuse.
I don't know where every one of you lives, but I know some of the general locations for some of you. Here's a list of a few of the ClearChannel stations in areas where some of you are:
Boston: Kiss108 (781-396-1430)
New York: Q104.3 (212-575-1043)
Philadelphia: Q102 (610-667-8100) or Sunny 104.5 (610-668-0750)
Washington DC: Hot 99.5 (301-468-9429) or WASH-FM (301-984-9710)
Raleigh: G105 (919-878-1500) or Sunny 93.9 (same phone #, believe it or not)
Chicago: Kiss 103.5 (312-540-2000)
San Francisco: KMEL 106.1 (415-538-1061)
Seattle, Jerseyand Indiana, I didn't forget you guys... I just can't tell from ClearChannel's site which of their stations in your area would be most appropriate.
Anyway, let's get those phones ringing, fellow Mudgeons.Make sure ClearChannel knows that its public wants to hear John Fogerty's new song.
Posted by Christopher at 11:46 PM | Comments (0)EXAMPLE OF REPUBLICAN HYPOCRISY #17,669,048,229
Remember a few months ago when someone submitted a commercial to the Web site of the liberal activist group MoveOn.org? Itwas part of a contest they had to have their members make anti-Bush commercials. Someone made a commercial that unfavorably compared Bush to Hitler. Republicans and conservatives professed outrage, complaining bitterly that no matter the depth and bitterness of one's feelings regarding the election and a candidate, any statement associating an American leader with a mass murderer was inappropriate and sick. Republicans demanded an apology, and conservatives held up the incident as a so-called example of how "out there" liberals are.
And yethere we are just a few months later, and Republicans and conservatives have been actively distributing bumper stickers comparing John Kerry with Osama bin Laden. When Democrats angrily complained, Kentucky Republican Party officials stopped distributing them, but insisted that they would continue telling people where they could buy such stickers.
Jefferson County, Kentucky GOP chairman Jack Richardson says the stickers were so popular that GOP headquarters ran out Friday. He says he won't distribute more, but is trying to locate their source for those who want them.
So let me get this straight... comparing Bush to Hitler is an outrage, but comparing Kerry to bin Laden is okay? Bush=Hitler is proof that liberals are "out there," but Kerry=bin Laden is within the bounds of fair play? Anyone else see the contemptible hypocrisy that pervades this logic?
This repeated tactic we see over and over again from conservatives, accusing liberals of "hating America" or not being patriotic is... well,I quote you Hermann Goering, infamous Nazi:
"Of course the people don't want war... That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along... Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
Goering said this while awaiting trial in Nuremberg. Sounds like a pretty familiar tactic, huh? I'm not calling conservatives Nazis - but this tactic of accusing anyone who doesn't hold conservative beliefs of "hating America" is beneath contempt.
For another perspective on defining love of country, check out this column by Ronald Reagan's daughter, Patti Davis.
Posted by Christopher at 10:57 PM | Comments (0)STEP INTO MY PARLOR, SAID THE PEDOPHILE TO THE BUTTON-FLY
In the long and varied history of bad ideas, there've been some doozies. New Coke springs to mind. So do the XFL, the Maginot Line, reality television, and going to John Wayne Gacy's house to see the funny clown. But I think this idea takes the cake as the worst one ever.
But a spokeswoman for Us Weekly said the magazine stood by its story, which cited unnamed sources close to Jackson as saying he recently spent time in Florida with an identified woman who was pregnant with quads she was to bear for the singer.
Hmmm... here's a guy who at worst has habitually and serially molested little boys for much of his adult life, and at best is one strange, whacked out, Diana Ross-looking freak. What do we do with him? Oh! I know! ... Let's let him adopt four more children from some surrogate! That's a good idea! That's exactly what we should do!
On second thought, I have a better idea. Let's go replace the Charmin with barbed wire, and then later we can take a long bath in tobasco sauce! Yeah, that'd be really great!
If this story is true, and the Florida authorities allow this adoption to continue, they should all not only lose their jobs, but should be put on trial as well for child endangerment.
Posted by Christopher at 10:35 PM | Comments (0)CONFESSIONAL
Okay, maybe I am being a little hard on myself (shut up, Doc!)... after all, I did tear a muscle in my leg a month ago and was given doctors' orders to rest it for 4-6 weeks... which I ignored, and promptly bruised my heel badly enough that I am still unable to put my full weight on it comfortably. So I guess in theory, being unable to get to the gym does grant me some excuse.
However, I'm not going to use that excuse. I "determined" back at the beginning of June that I was going to drop 25 pounds by Labor Day... and was going to get serious about it. Yeah... and OJ's out there right now looking for the real killer.I'm flopping on this effort, flopping like a fish out of water. (No, Doc, I did not say like a whale out of water.) Sure, I can't hit the gym... but I was only able to remain "serious" about eating smarter for about two weeks before I reverted to my old junk-eating form. Whatever good I did in those first couple of weeks, I've undid since.
I guess my options now are to a) quit fighting my fate as an increasingly porkiful Mudge; now that Brando's gone, the world needs a new guy who doesn't like most of the world and bloats for the effort; or b) decide that if you fall off the bike, you get back on and ride again - so I won't be down 25 pounds by Labor Day, and so I've pretty much wasted 7 weeks... just need to restart the plan, right?
I'm leaning toward Brandoizing.
Posted by Christopher at 08:51 PM | Comments (0)July 19, 2004
NACHO, NACHO MAN... I WANNA BE A NACHO MAN
Like I've said before, sometimes these posts write themselves. I spent 20 minutes trying to come up with a funny add-on to this story, and I just couldn't do it.
A man was arrested on his 23rd birthday after a police officer saw him nude and covered with nacho cheese from a pool snack bar.
Michael P. Monn was arrested early Sunday in the parking lot outside the pool. An officer saw a nude man carrying a box of Frito Lay snacks and a container of nacho cheese run toward a Jeep in the lot and stopped him.
"The male had nacho cheese in his hair, on his face and on his shoulders," Maryville Police Department officer Scott Spicer reported. "The nude male had a strong odor of alcohol and was semi-incoherent."
Okay, you know what really worries me about this story? That the guy was described as semi-incoherent. Frankly, I'd feel much, much better if he was just described as being totally incoherent. Because if he had even 1% of his faculties together, then this story has become totally disturbing - some might even say cheesy. (Oh, don't tell me that was a bad joke. It's nacho place to say so.)
Someone lock up all the Taco Bells. Please.
WHATCHA DOIN' TONIGHT? OH, JUST HANGIN' AROUND
Okay, whether I grew up in dairy farm country or not, no one can ever make cow-tipping jokes at me ever again. (For the record, yes: I've done it - though even at the time it failed to amuse me, I just felt sorry for the cows.) Because kids in the Key West area have taken teenage boredom, stupidity and incomprehensibility to an entirely new level. You see, when they say they're going to spend the night hanging around, they really mean it.
Law enforcement officials in the Florida Keys are mystified by a bizarre new pastime -- young people dangling themselves from meat hooks on a popular sandbar. A U.S. Coast Guard spokeswoman said on Sunday that the Monroe County sheriff's office and Coast Guard were called on July 12 to the sandbar off Whale Harbor in Islamorada where locals say wild behavior is becoming a tradition.
They found that five young people had erected a bamboo tripod and hung meat hooks from it. A young woman, her feet brushing the surface of the shallow water, dangled from the frame, hooks embedded firmly in her shoulders.
According to a Coast Guard video, she did not seem to mind the hooks.
Okay, my friends and I did somedangerous stuff when I was a teenager (truck surfing, for example), and I look back on it now and am both stunned at our foolhardiness and sense of invicibility, and shocked that none of us ever got ourselves hurt or killed. But I can absolutely assure you that we never did anything this stupid.What possible amusement or happiness one can get from suspending oneself over water by meat hooks placed in your back, I cannot fathom. But I can tell those kids this:if you're looking to "shock" me, you failed. All you did was make me think you're stupid.
Posted by Christopher at 11:52 PM | Comments (0)IS THIS WHAT YOU CALL A... UH... "LITTLE" WHITE LIE?
Hey, anything that gets people to not smoke - especially around me - is a good thing. And if Fox "News" has no ethical issues about lying in its advertising by calling itself "fair and balanced," I see no reason why other organizations should have to stick to the truth in their advertisements either.
And so it is that I fully support the efforts of the Swedish anti-smoking group "A Non Smoking Generation." Their goal is to stop Sweden's teenagers from taking up smoking. And their attitude is, to borrow a phrase from the great Malcolm X, "by any means necessary." Whatever they have to say to the kids of Stockholm, they'll say. Know what their ads say?
Smoking stunts your growth. No, not the kind that determines whether you'll only be 5'7". Rather, they mean the kind of stunted growth that means you're only 5" instead of 7". Yes, they are running ads that tell teenagers that smoking affects penis size.
The Swedish organization A Non Smoking Generation covered Stockholm in posters claiming that smoking stunts penis growth and that cigarette filters are filled with mouse excrements, along with other lies aimed at getting kids to stop smoking.
"We wanted to raise awareness about how the tobacco industry always promotes its products-- through lies," head of the organization Anne-Therese Enarsson told AFP.
"Our lies are so exaggerated that we hope they will make people stop and think, and then come to our website to find the truth," she added.
For the record, I think this is a brilliant tactic, and I'm behind it all the way.
Posted by Christopher at 11:50 PM | Comments (0)AGAIN
Hate to keep sounding a recurring theme, but man... it's happened again. Once again, a corporate interest - acting in defense of its marionette in the White House - has squelched the voice of a public figure who had the audacity to question the war or in any way indicate opposition to George W. Bush. This time, the entertainer didn't even directly mention Bush... all she did was dedicate a song to Michael Moore.
Yep, Linda Ronstadt has been fired by Aladdin's casino in Las Vegas for the "crime" of dedicating the song "Desperado" to Michael Moore.
A statement issued by the Aladdin said Ronstadt had been "escorted out of the hotel" just after her performance and said the performer would "not be welcomed back."
She gets escorted out of a hotel for dedicating a song to someone who opposes this president? On top of what's been done to the Dixie Chicks, to Sarandon and Robbins, to Whoopi Goldberg... how can anyone argue that there is not a totalitarian-like takeover of our basic freedoms of expression going on in this country today, on behalf of the pretender in the White House? Pick your analogy: Germany & Italy in the 1930s, or the Soviet Union or Red China in the 1950s... the concept is the same. Speak out against the leader or his government, and there will be consequences. And they don't even have to make it against the law to dissent (which they can't get away with yet, though it wouldn't surprise me if Bush tried if he gets a second term)... all they have to do is intimidate and fire the people into keeping their mouths shut.
These are your rights, my friends - and the conservative movement, along with their corporate bedfellows, is trying to take them from you. Don't let them do it.
And for any conservatives reading this who are about to argue that I am full of it... tell me, how many conservative public figures have you seen lose their jobs or face boycotts and removals from radio stations or TV stations lately? How come when it's the "PC Police" on campus, conservatives are such big defenders of anyone's right to say anything, no matter how much it offends someone else... but when it comes to left-thinking Americans opposing Bush or his war, conservatives are perfectly okay with a coordinated campaign to squelch those voices on the grounds that it "offends" them?
One last thing: if you're going to Vegas, don't go to Aladdin's. Boycott them. And send them a little note to let them know what you think of companies that forget the US Constitution.
Posted by Christopher at 11:40 PM | Comments (0)HEAR ME NOW AND BELIEVE ME LATER AND LISTEN TO ME TWO WEEKS FROM NOW
So everyone's all up in arms over Ah-nuld's stupid "girlie-man" remark... speaking about the Democrats, he said:
“If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men."
So everyone's all upset, and predictably some segments of the California leftward political leadership (women and homosexuals) are complaining and venting that the statement was misogynistic and homophobic.
I'll preface my remarks by saying that I am bothered by Arnold's statement. However, not at all for the same reasons that the loudest complainers are. On the "insensitivity" of the remarks... I know I'm gonna get slammed for this, but I have to say that people need to grow a sense of humor.
I'm not defending that Ah-nuld said what he said... from a purely political standpoint, it was just plain stupid. But Arnold's image is what it is (pre-governor's house, anyway) in part because of the old Saturday Night Live "Hans Und Franz" skits - and the "girlie man" line was the catchphrase of the show. It was meant as a joke - on Arnold as much as on men who aren't fit - and is clearly a line meant with humorous intent ... whether that humor is well-taken or not, I think you have to accept that he was trying to use humor to make a point rather than be mean spirited.
Now, I am bothered by Arnold's characterization of Democrats as being beholden to special interests and dishonest about it. Like a Republican should talk? I'll plagiarize myself here, and post the same thing I commented on Marine's Girl's site:
If "they" don't have the guts to come up in front of all of us and say, "I don't want to represent you, I was to represent oil companies, defense contractors, the CEOs of giant corporations, the uber-wealthy, religious fanatics who want to dismantle the barrier between church and state and still believe that any American who is not "saved" is causing God to direct terrorists to our shores... if they don't have the guts, I call them Republicans.
For Arnold to use an old SNL catchphrase to belittle his opponents, well... that was just stupid, but not offensive to me. But for Arnold or any Republican to imply that the other party is beholden to special interests and is afraid to tell the voting public who they really represent? Now that offends me.
Posted by Christopher at 11:37 PM | Comments (0)THERE'S NO CRYING IN SOFTBALL
So here's proof that I didn't cry. We got some photos back this weekend from the company tournament a couple weeks ago... why I am sharing this I don't know. Maybe I feel the need to pretend that I am still a ballplayer, even 18 years on - despite age and pounds. Or maybe I am inviting the inevitable abuse that I know is coming after displaying the play in which I hurt myself. But here for your amusement is, in order:
1) your determined hero at the plate, ready to win the game all by himself;
2) the most awkward looking follow-through in history (you try swinging hard when you can't push off your left leg or use your hips for power!);
3) the end of the play; that figure running lamely past first base in the distance is me... notice that the other team's pitcher has his arms raised - I at least ran fast enough to make him worry that they weren't going to get me. You know why I look so odd running there? Because it's really hard to limp on two feet.
WHAT A GUY
Just in case you were thinking that Ralph Nader is anything more than a disgraceful pawn who is working to help get George W. Bush elected... here's a story out of Michigan to remind you of just what a snake Nader is.
After Nader couldn't generate enough interest in Michgan to get people to sign petitions to gethim on the November ballot, 43,000 Republicans decided that they would help poor, defenseless Ralph - and they signed petitions for him, getting him on the Michigan presidential ballot.
Last Thursday, Michigan Republican Party officials submitted 43,000 signatures - far more than the 30,000 needed - to ensure Nader could appear on the ballot as an independent. Republicans began collecting signatures after it appeared that Nader might not get on the ballot as the Reform Party's candidate for president.
Hmmm... now why would those Republicans sign a petiton for Ralph Nader - a guy who's spent a career opposing Republican corporate interests? Specifically, why would Michigan Republicans sign a petition supporting a guy who's spent his lifetime being a thorn in the side of the auto industry?
Couldn't be because Nader's candidacy is solely designed to help the Republican win the White House now, could it?
Posted by Christopher at 09:19 PM | Comments (0)July 17, 2004
THE MOST FRIGHTENING STORY IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET
Stephen King can retire now. Dean Koontz, step aside. Wes Craven, John Carpenter, Kevin Williamson... sit down. The horror genre is now officially dead, never to return -- the most frightening story in human history has now been told.
Crazed Surgeon Amputates Patient's Penis, Chops It Up
A Romanian surgeon who underwent a fit of madness while operating on a man's testicles proceeded to amputate his penis and cut it into three pieces.
The surgeon, Naum Ciomu, was said to be a senior member of the hospital staff and a professor of anatomy.He had been operating on a 34-year-old man for a testicular malformation when he committed the act, hospital officials said Friday.
Note to self: never, ever consent to general anaesthetic ever again.Ever.
Ever.
And just like all great horror stories, there is the inexplicably stupid reaction... you know, like when the teens at the camp learn that a serial killer is on the loose, they naturally wander off into the woods by themselves to look for their boyfriend or find just the right tree to water?
In this case of adult-onset circumcision, we have the following statement from the hospital: "We are shocked by what has happened. It is the first time we have had such a case," said Sorin Oprescu, head of the Bucharest emergency hospital where the operation took place.
Really? The first time?! That's a relief... of course, Dr. Oprescu is sorely mistaken if he thinks any spin or apology is going to lessen the damage to that hospital's reputation.
But the best line in the whole story comes at the end... one of those delightfully understated lines where you know the reporter was just cracking himself up and wanting desperately to write more than he could.
Meanwhile the wife of the unfortunate patient said she was suing Dr. Ciomu.
ANOTHER GREAT BLOG
Okay, so Doc saw her first; credit to him for finding a really interesting and well-written blog. But after seeing his post about her writing, I went and checked out Alex's site, Girl.And she's a really, really good writer - I'm going to enjoy reading her stuff from now on.
But the one post in particular that I think you have to read is this one, from June 24. Alex lives here, but is not from the US, apparently -- which gives her a unique perspective on us American types. And her post on the value of having a debate or discussion of issues -- and how we can't really do that anymore here because conservatives are constantly shouting down anyone who doesn't believe what they believe or think what they think -- brought me goosebumps.
It's so sad to me that non-natives can so often see more of America's ideals in us than our own people can ... and that it takes a non-native to point out that America isn't supposed to be about blind, fanatical we-can-do-no-wrong-ness... America is about questioning, and concern, and challenging, and making things better.
Alex, you articulated it better than I've seen anyone do it. Bravo!
Posted by Christopher at 02:42 PM | Comments (0)THE CHILL EFFECT
Still say that the overwhelming influence of corporate money in the Republican Party doesn't impact our society? Still think -- for some ridiculous reason -- that Republicans stand for average values?
Take a look at this recap from an article on Whoopi Goldberg's recent firing for having made a dirty joke or two. (By the way, how come Cheney can tell a US Senator to #*!# himself and not get fired, but Whoopi Goldberg makes one sexually-related joke about the president's last name, and conservatives are all up in arms? It can't be about "showing respect for the office," since Cheney has demonstrated that he has none for the Senate. So what might it be? Could it be, oh I don't know... selective and hypocritical application of "standards?"But I digress.)
The recap highlights how many public figures havefaced boycotts or firing for having expressed their political views.Let's take a look, shall we?
The Walt Disney Co. refused to release Michael Moore’s hot-button critique "Fahrenheit 9/11," with Disney CEO Michael Eisner saying that the company "did not want a film in the middle of the political process" because he believed that theme park and entertainment consumers "do not look for us to take sides."
And in the past year, the Cumulus radio chain temporarily banned airplay of the Dixie Chicks on some stations after lead singer Natalie Maines disparaged Bush at a concert. The company is a major donor to Republican political candidates, but it denied a policy banning the Dixie Chicks.
Last year, the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, N.Y., scrapped an event for the 15th anniversary of the popular baseball movie "Bull Durham" because of the anti-war stance of stars Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon.
These are just a few examples... but do you notice what they have in common? Yep... left-leaning thought being silenced and squelched by right-directed pressure. Funny how these folks can claim to love America so much, but obviously hate it so much when Americans actually exercise their rights to free speech. And notice that there are no examples of right-thinking public figures being squelched by the left... for all the bitching conservatives like to do about political correctness inhibiting free speech, they sure don't seem to have any problem getting their voices heard all over Fox "News" and every cable or radio program. They also don't seem to mind too much when it's left-ward people whose voices are shouted down.
Your ability to speak your mind is slowly being eroded away by right-wing idealogues and their corporate money muscle. And the worst of it, they've got much of the public convinced that it's the left that is the problem.
How pathetic.
Posted by Christopher at 02:24 PM | Comments (0)FINALLY, THEY'RE DOING THEIR JOB
So as you know, I spent most of last week kvetching to no end about how the media in this country have been cowed by charges of bias and have turned into obedient lap dogs for Bush-Cheney and the neocon agenda. I won't revisit the angst, but you know it infuriates me. So after all my little tirades, what does the media then turn around and do?
Their job.
Hot on the heels of the revelation that Bush's microfilmed records were somehow mysteriously destroyed, the Associated Press has gone to court to ask a federal judge to force the release of all of George W. Bush's military records - not just the ones Bush wants to let you see.
The White House has released partial documentation of Bush's military service in the Texas Air National Guard but has not complied with the news service's Freedom of Information Act request for any record archived at a state library records center in Texas, the AP said in a court filing.
The records the AP wants to see are the ones we should all want to see - the records of his Texas Air National Guard service that are kept separately according to Texas law.
There also are allegations that potentially embarrassing material was removed from Bush's military file in 1997, when he was running for re-election as Texas governor, the AP said. "The public has an intense and legitimate interest in knowing the facts concerning the president's military service. Reviewing the microfilm copy of the personnel file at the Texas Records center could well answer the questions that have been raised," the lawyers wrote.
About time the media starts doing its job on this one. I'm not looking for the media to play "gotcha" with Bush, necessarily.But he's been hiding behind those records for a while - and the question of whether a president who presents himself as a "war president" in fact was AWOL and skirted his own duty during the Vietnam war is a legitimate question to ask. (Not to mention that it would speak volumes about his character.) They may not find the answers that I believe in, or that I frankly want to be there. But no matter what the answers are, at least someone in the press is finally doing their job and asking the questions - no matter what the right-wing machine has to say about it.
A NEW TWIST ON LISTS
A colleague at work pointed this out to me... ever wonder why one hit wonders are one hit wonders? I mean, do you ever question why they're only able to kick out one song that everyone likes - and then disappear into the pop culture ether, never to be heard from again?
McSweeney's might be able to explain it.
Yes, I have found a new favorite little site to amuse myself. McSweeney's has a series of "lists" of things -- all kinds of things, really -- and this one refers to possible follow up songs for one hit wonders. My favorites include:
"Bust an Additional Move"
"Remember When You Lit up My Life? That Was Great"
"The Morning That the Lights Came Back on in Georgia"
McSweeney's also has other amusing lists I recommend... including "Quotes From Wrestlemania Announcers That Were, But Should Not Have Been, Meant In All Seriousness" (my favorite: "Kurt Angle, his condition is unparalleled -- and so is Eddie Guerrero's.")...
The bestonemust have been compiled by a voice-over artist: "Actual Dialogue From Radio Commercials That I've Been Asked To Deliver "Believably," As If Normal People Would Say Such Things." These are priceless:
"Mmmmmhhh. What happened to those sandpaper feet? They're so soft now. Went to the podiatrist, eh?"
"Yes, I do believe someone is slicing juicy, very tender roast beef at this very moment."
And the best one of them all: "There's a new laxative on the horizon."
And I'm stuck writing speeches? I could be writing commercials, if this is all it takes!
NEW KID ON THE BLOCK
Okay, so actually he's not really "new." He's an old buddy of mine from grad school (though he was not in California for the wedding two months ago, so asking him for stories won't get you anything). But I just get a kick out of being able to publicly associate him with Jordan Knight, Joey McIntyre and Donnie Wahlberg. So... NKOTB he is.
My old friend Brent is online with a blog he calls, "Brent's Polemics." He's a sporadic poster, but I told him that since the Mighty Mudge would be linking to him, he should expect a flood of new hits and visitors... so Brent, start writing buddy!
He's a sharp guy, and is likely to give you a more balanced political perspective (I think he's opposed to Bush now, but at one point he and I were having pitched e-mail exchanges over W - I've opposed him from Day One,while Brent at one point supported him) than you get from me... which is probably a good thing. He also finds the flotsam and jetsam of pop culture to be as alternately amusing and exasperating as I do, or as Tim does.
For example, I learned on Brent's site yesterday that a movie version of "The Dukes Of Hazzard" is in the works. (We should all be very afraid.)
Anyway... without further ado, I present to you Brent's Polemics. Pay him a visit, tell him the 'Mudge sent you... and Brent, it's on you now to start writing more often, dude.
Posted by Christopher at 08:15 AM | Comments (0)July 15, 2004
THE REALLY COOL THING ABOUT FIREWORKS
I've always loved fireworks - they were the reason I adopted the 4th of July as my favorite holiday as a little kid.(The larger, more patriotic reasons came as I got older... but it was the things blowing up and going boom that got me first.)
But you know what fireworks are really good for? Explosives-assisted Darwinism.Nothing like a good "Cooter blowed hisself up" story to get me laughing. You have to think that God invented fireworks to help him correct his mistakes. Case in point: this story out of Utah.
SALT LAKE CITY - Two men planning to throw lighted fireworks from a car were burned when they forgot to roll down the window.
"They lit a large mortar rocket firework" and were going to throw it out the window, Salt Lake County sheriff's Sgt. John Barker said. "The passenger threw it out the window, but he forgot to roll the window down. It bounced back in his lap."
Adam Weber, 24, was in fair condition Thursday at the Intermountain Burn Unit at University Hospital with second and third degree burns on his arms, legs and torso.
Tim always accuses me (only half in jest) of chasing bad karma by finding amusement in the misfortune of others. And perhaps he's right... maybe I shouldn't be taking such glee in someone else's pain. But this just cracks me up.
In fair disclosure, part of why I laughed so hard is because it reminded me of an incident from my teenage years involving a kid whose last name was appropriately "Sparks." (I'll avoid his first name just in case he's online and does vanity searches.) I played ball with the guy back in the day.
One Saturday afternoon inearly Juneafter a big game during the year we won state, we all headed off to celebrate the win.If you've ever played on a dominant team, you know how loose everyone can get after games.We were all in a good mood, and doing stupid stuff that 17 year olds think they can do without consequence --I specifically remember a food fight while drivingdown Northdale Blvd. doing 60 in a 35 zone ... we were all stuffed into three cars, had stopped at Burger King on the way back to my house for the after-game hangout, and somehow had begun launching hamburgers at the other cars in our motorcade. (Ever try to remove a splattered burger patty coated with ketchup from the center of your windshield at 60 mph and when you're out of wiper fluid? It ain't pretty.)
Anyway, we got back to my house and hung outfor the afternoonbefore deciding to head "into town" (such as it was) to see what kind of trouble we could find on a Saturday night.Five of us piled into my friend Jon's car, including Sparks, me, and another guy in the back. My best friend Jeff lived just six houses down the road, and he was going to take three more guys in his truck - so they started walking down the street to Jeff's place to get the truck.
As Jon started his car, Sparks pulls some jumping jacks - you know, those fireworks that, when the fuse is lit, don't blow up but rather spin on the ground and glow in bright colors while spitting out sparks? - out of a bag he'd had in Jon's car. (I guess they'd been to Wisconsin recently to buy fireworks before the 4th or something.)He gets the bright idea that he would light a jumping jack and toss it at Jeff and our other buddies as we drove by. Sparks was in the middle of the backseat, I was by the door facing our friends, and another guy sat on the opposite side. As planned, he lights the fuse and tosses it across my face toward Jeff and crew just as we drive by... but I guess he didn't plan it right, because the wind blew that thing right back into the car... where it landed right between his thighs. (It's summer, so we're all in shorts.)
We had about 2 seconds before the thing went off. Jon was driving at like 5 mph to allow Sparks to throw the thing - as soon as it came back in, I opened my door and jumped out into the street; the guy on the other side did the same thing. Sparks, however, could not get out - in fact, he was kind of stuck without moving, since he was in the middle.As I jumped into the street, I heard the high pitched whining and spinning sound coming from the back seat of the car... and heard Sparks emit an even higher pitched sound, one I didn't think even 4 year old girls could make. I stumbled to a stop and turned to look, and saw Sparks bouncing wildly in the back seat, a spinning dervish firework between his thighs, trying desperately to get out of the open door of the still-moving car.
Of course, at 17 you don't think about how dangerous it is... all you can think about is how this is about the funniest thing you've ever seen. Jeff, me, and everyone else with us just collapsed onto the neighbor's lawn, convulsed in laughter while Sparks tried futilely to dodge the incendiary device spinning between his legs. He finally got out of the car as Jon screeched to a halt... the jumping jack was still winding down in the backseat, andhe already had visible powder burns on his inner thighs. He started hopping bowleggedlyabout the street, slightly burned and mighty embarassed - which just made it all the funnier to us, seeing him trying to air out minor burns on his thighs like that, and prancing like someone had just stuck pincer beetles down his shorts.
Jon, meanwhile, was the only one besides Sparks who didn't find it funny. Because there, in the cloth backseat of his father's drive-to-work car, was a newly minted black scorch mark almost in the shape of a star.It wasn't subtle, either - it was right there in the open for the world to see... and unlike the ketchup from the 60 mph burger war, it wouldn't just wash off. He starts flipping out, yelling at Sparks for being such an idiot, then yelling that his dad is gonna kill him, that he'd never get the car again... meanwhile, we're all laughing so hard we have tears running down our faces.
Sparks ended up fine, and we did manage to get some of the powder scrubbed out of the seat, so it just looked like a cigarette burn (which was a lot easier to explain than a jumping jack going off in the car!).I don't think we ever fessed up to any of it (if you're reading this one, Mom, guess what, it was about 20 years ago now and you can't ground me for it!)
Okay, so I know that I am the only one who enjoyed this little trip down Memory Lane... and you're all probably thinking, "Enough of the bucolic adventures from Lake Wobegon, get back to your usual stuff." Fine, I will. Tomorrow.
For tonight, I'm 17 and careless again.
SHOUT OUTS
I'm behind on acouple ofshout outs, so I wanted to catch up on them tonight.
I noticed something tonight when I was surfing through this site and checking new comments. My cousin Joe from Minnesota (who I haven't seen in years) managed to stumble upon Curmudgeonland and left a few remarks. Joe - thanks for dropping by; I'll send you an e-mail this weekend.
Mileah over at A 50 Pound Bag of Whistling Lips always has interesting perspective on the political goings on in our little world.I've been visiting her site a lot lately. Plus, her site has one of those odd blogosphere names that just begs for an explanation, even if I'm not rude enough to ask her how she got the name. Check her out.
Posted by Christopher at 09:18 PM | Comments (0)July 14, 2004
SOMETIMES, THIS STUFF JUST WRITES ITSELF
Most often, when straying off of politics, I look for stories that allow me to exercise what I try to pass off as wit. But sometimes, the stuff just writes itself.
"Smoker Ignites Portable Toilet Explosion."
BLACKSVILLE, W.Va. - Warning: smoking in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Tuesday after a man who was inside it lit a cigarette.
Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. He was later transferred to Ruby Memorial Hospital. His name and condition were not available Wednesday.
The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not "take too kindly" to the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services.
Geez... where to start? First of all, this story's even funnier because it happened in West Virginia. It just is.
But the visuals out of thie story are the best part. I can just see Cooter in his white wife-beater undershirt (now stained black with soot), cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth, residue from three weeks of porta-potty use clinging to his hair and jeans... stumbling stunned out of the door, a scent puck lodged in his forehead...
The only question is, which smelled worse: the cigarette smoke or the porta-potty? I'm thinking the odds are about even.
Posted by Christopher at 11:25 PM |