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August 31, 2004
IT'S B-A-A-A-A-A-A-CK! THE 50 BEST MOVIE LINES EVER: #20-#16
So it's been almost two weeks now, but I am finally home and sitting in front of my list. I've kept you waiting (or yawning) for long enough, so here we go, on with the countdown...
20. "It's 106 miles to Chicago... we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses." "Hit it." -- Elwood Blues (Dan Aykroyd) and Jake Blues (John Belushi), THE BLUES BROTHERS (1980)
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I never liked John Belushi. And as an overall film, I think The Blues Brothers is vastly overrated. But there's a collection of great lines in it. And since I said at the outset that I'd be including lines that have undeniable impact, how could I possibly skip over the line that is now uttered at the beginning of virtually every road trip anyone ever goes on?
19. "I'll be back." -- The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger), THE TERMINATOR (1984)
This franchise gave me one of my personal favorite lines of all time... in T2, when the cops show up to interrupt the Connors & the T-800 Model 101 Terminator as they try to steal the arm and chip from Cyberdyne, and the kid says, "We've got company." When his mother asks how many, he says, "Uh, all of 'em, I think." Great line. One of my personal all time favorites.
But this list isn't about my favorite lines in and of themselves... it's about the lines I think were the greatest lines. And there's no way that any line from The Terminator series could possibly go here other than "I'll be back." It's become cliche, part of the lexicon, and one of the most quoted movie lines of the last 20 years. And any line that is still repeated even twenty years after debuting as a catchphrase... well, it goes on the list.
18. "This fog is getting thicker." "And Leon is getting llaaaaarrrrrger!" -- Steve McCroskey (Lloyd Bridges) and Johnny Hinshaw (Stephen Stucker), AIRPLANE (1980)
Hands down, this is one of the five funniest lines in movie history for me. Airplane is a classic, of course... and it may just show up again later in the countdown. And my absolute favorite character from the film is the goofy, flamboyant Johnny Hinshaw, played with giddy glee by the late Stephen Stucker. You know him... the little bald skinny guy who always has some utterly unrelated and festive thing to say.
In this case, as the ground crew tries to prepare for the coming emergency landing, the faux tension reaches fever pitch as the weather worsens. Lloyd Bridges frets to a fellow controller about the fog... and then Johnny ducks into the screen, grabs the roly-poly controller's beer gut and gives it a good Buddha rub and shake, looks to the screen, and utters this immortal non sequiter before prancing back off screen. Guaranteed to make me laugh out loud every time I see it. Nearly a quarter century later it still cracks me up bigger than almost any other line ever on screen.
17. "I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species... I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment; but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply... until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive... is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern: a virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet; you are a plague. And we... are the cure." -- Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving), THE MATRIX (1999)
Okay, not only is this one of the best villian soliloquies of all time, and not only is it delivered brilliantly and perfectly by the actor given the lines in the script... but it's also an incredibly clever and accurate analogy, when you think about it. Few lines in escapist sci-fi action movies ever make me think, but this one did - and the "a ha" moment that followed, that second where the light bulb went on over my head as I realized the brilliance of the line, was one of my favorite movie experiences of all time. I still think it's just amazingly insightful - and it manages to convey the evil that is Agent Smith at the same time. And of course, Hugo Weaving delivers it with such cold, calculated coolness that it immediately becomes even greater than its words. This is by far my favorite line in one of the most original sci-fi movies in cinematic history.
16. "It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again... PUT THE FUCKIN' LOTION IN THE BASKET!" Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb (Ted Levine), THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991)
This is another film that I could have filled this list with lines from... there's at least seven or eight classics. (By the way, this is called "foreshadowing," where I hint at what's to come.) This line is admittedly creepy and comes at an uncomfortable point in the film, I grant you. But it makes the list, if for no other reason than this: Tim and I use it frequently, and doing so usually collapses us into giggle fits worthy of nine year olds. (Yes, I know, the line is supposed to make the viewer fear Buffalo Bill, not laugh uncontrollably... but we can't help it.)
It's perfect for so many occasions... dealing with marketing people who are so single-mindedly intent on box-checking and "project management" that they will not listen to counsel... or in self-deprecation after one of us has made a stubborn mistake... or just because saying the line in that bizarre, frog-in-the-throat Ted Levine manner is just so damn much fun. In any circumstance, we use it regularly, and even if we're the only ones who get such a kick out of ourselves, it's funny to us, so who cares?
True story: this movie was the subject of one of the greatest pulls I have ever witnessed. This past March when Tim & his wife, the Doc and Mrs. Doc, myself, and several other family and friends were up in the Vermont ski house for the long weekend, we were sitting in front of the fire one evening, absent-mindedly flipping channels on the satellite TV while enjoying some drinks.
You know how when you're flipping channels on a satellite system, the video doesn't always come up right away... so that if you're flipping through them quickly, you don't even get images, just a black screen while the sound comes up for a second? Well, that's what we were doing... trying to get back to ESPN from whatever channel we'd flipped to during the commercial. As I held the "channel up" button down in order to get back to the sports, we heard about a half second of sound from each channel I passed. But it was only a half second - nothing intelligible, so we thought.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Tim says, "Oh! That was Silence of the Lambs - go back a couple." None of us believed him - how could he recognize it when we didn't even have a second of dialogue? But when I flipped back five channels, there it was: Anthony Hopkins teasing Jodie Foster with his offer to help her catch Buffalo Bill. How Tim managed to pull that one, I have no idea; that was a legendary example of pulling the audio needle from the DirectTV haystack.
What does this have to do with putting lotion in the basket? Very little. But I had to give Tim his props.
ALL I WILL SAY IS, CONGRATULATIONS
Not sure if this is the couple who used to live below me... but it's possible.
A pair of young lovers so annoyed their neighbors with a noisy sex session that police had to go and ask them to lower the volume, police said on Tuesday. Officers in the western city of Essen interrupted the couple shortly after midnight after neighbors, listening to the sounds through an open window, called to complain.
"Gradually more and more neighbors gathered in front of the house to investigate the noise," said a police spokesman.
You just know that the next morning, the guy was out in front of the house, winking at the neighbors and saying, "Ja, ich bin das man."
SOME PEOPLE ARE IN SEVERE NEED OF A LIFE
Having grown up in the midwest, I have seen first-hand the impact of state fairs, and the tragic extents to which half-witted cornballs will go to get their 15 minutes of fame no matter how lame the stunt or reason may be. I walked every year past the busts of President Reagan, Bruce Springsteen, and Princess Diana carved out of butter in the dairy pavillion at the Minnesota State Fair... which features an area of the Fairgrounds called -- I kid you not -- "Tractor Hill." (You know, because farm equipment is such a novelty out there that those few who have it need to show it off for the... wait, what? You say that in farm country, everybody has a tractor? Oh... well then, why is there a section of the fair dedicated to displaying them? Good freaking question.) I saw blue ribbons draped on The Largest Pumpkin and Biggest Squash. Ah yes, the bucolic days of my youth, when every kid aspired to grow an 80 pound pumpkin...
But even I never saw anything like this. At the Nevada State Fair, volunteers slapped 2,000 pounds of refried beans and 1,000 pounds each of sour cream, salsa and cheese onto 8200 flour tortillas in order to create an 8,076 foot long burrito - the world's largest.
This in itself is pathetic. But what is more pathetic still is the following nugget from the article:
If recognized, the Reno burrito will surpass the previous burrito record of 7,710 feet that was set in Mexico in 2001.
There was a previous burrito record, kids.
Not only is this a tremendous waste of food (anyone want to take a nibble at a burrito that's been sitting out in the Nevada sun for a few hours?), but those folks who spend their leisure time building 8,000 foot burritos are tremendous wastes of oxygen as well. You mean to tell me that in Reno, Nevada, no one has anything better to do than schlop 2,000 pounds of refried beans??
Posted by Christopher at 08:55 PM | Comments (0)August 30, 2004
A COUPLE OF VACATION STORIES
My vacation this year was sort of split in two. I spent the first five days chilling and relaxing along the Delaware shore at my parents' place, eating seafood, kicking back in their hot tub, and most of all chilling on the boardwalk while taking notes in a spiral notebook and thinking of story ideas for a short story contest I'm thinking of entering.
But Thursday afternoon, I flew out of Baltimore and headed off to spend a few days with some friends on a different beach. The first half of the week was for relaxing. The second half was for blowing off steam. So off to North Carolina I went, ready to howl at the moon a little and get some more beach time in. Among the highlights of the weekend:
-- Friday evening started with a fabulous seafood dinner at The Isles (I had seared scallops in tarragon cream)... for the record, I could spend my entire life just hanging out at the tiki bar out back overlooking the ocean, for those of you who have QuickTime and can see the virtual tour. After dinner, we went to the Giggling Mackerel for some drinks... they had karaoke... my friends forced me (okay, not like I dragged my heels that much) to give it a shot... and this Yankee played country singer for a while. And you know what? I did well... this New York boy was told, "Man, you're a southern boy tonight."
I got to sing "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere" in a southern bar on the water - the song's true setting. I did "Amarillo By Morning," and afterward a good old boy came up to me and said, "I cain't buhlieve a Yainkee just did George Strait better than George Strait does George Strait." Some 50something woman came up and told me I had one of the most beautiful voices she'd ever heard, and asked me to sing the song that was played at her wedding. And there were a whole bunch of couples who got up to dance when I did "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." (Pictures are forthcoming, pending getting them developed.) Anyway, count me as one Yankee who went into a bar full of self-admitted southern country rednecks, and had the nerve to sing country to 'em... and this lifelong northern boy won 'em all over.
-- Saturday... a lot of great beach time, plus the cultural experience of going to a strip club accompanied by two attractive women - at their behest. (Mom, stop reading this part.) While I figured that it might be somewhat awkward to be there with friends who weren't guys, I have to admit... I am a man, we have egos, and I flat out decided that the looks I would get from the other guys in the club when I came in accompanied by one brunette and one blonde would be worth any embarrassment I might otherwise feel. So when they proposed it, I only objected for about .000004 of a second before agreeing to go... so down the coast we drove to the clubs of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
-- Sunday morning, Gaston was a big bust where we were so far... after breakfast, it was cloudy but there was no rain and very little wind, so we decided to head down toward the beach one last time. We stopped in this little surf shop - my friends wanted henna tattoos - and then all of a sudden the sun went in, the sky went dark, and within what seemed like 5 minutes, Gaston made his presence felt. I finally got my tropical storm wish -- I stood in the doorway of this little surf shop and watched sheets of rain falling sideways as 50 mph winds came whistling off the ocean about 250 yards away.
It never felt threatening - in fact, no one seemed fazed at all. The owner guy - a very short little Israeli immigrant who said he'd lived much of his life in Greece - kept applying henna to my friends' ankles while he tried way too hard to flirt with them, even as the storm raged outside and I stood in the doorway watching it all. And then, just like that, the sun was back out and it was all over - it had only been one of the storm's outer bands that had come ashore.
Back to the little owner guy... he was keenly interested in my friends, and kept trying to get a sense of which one I might be dating, to see which one he should go for. They played along splendidly, playfully flirting with him and having fun with him. But we were all still high on our strip club experience from not 12 hours before, and my friends managed to mention that we'd all gone to a strip club together, oh, about 100 times in 10 minutes. This got the little guy's attention, it's safe to say. Sensing some sort of perverse opportunity, he managed to work into the conversation that he'd experienced a menage a trois before - and while it was awkward at first, "after hour or five hours" he'd gotten the hang of it. Amused at his forwardness, my friends just tittered and giggled at this... which he interpreted as interest, I would later find out.
I was talked into getting a henna tattoo by my friends... but because I have a big arm (not fat, big boned, dammit... beefcake!), he needed more dye for me, so my tattoo dried more slowly than the ladies' ones did. They decided to walk down to the beach to see the ocean (the sun was back out now), leaving me with Mr. Five Hour Threesome. The following is a word-for-word reproduction of the conversation that occurred as soon as my friends were out of earshot.
Little Surf Shop Owner Guy (LSSOG): "So... you have done both?"
Mudge (surprised, but trying to diffuse the subject with awkward humor): "Uh, not at the same time, man - you're a better man than me." (Mudge looks outside to see if he can get his friends to come back.)
LSSOG (clearly not wanting to let this go): "But separately, then? (pause) Which one is better?"
Mudge (not wanting to say anything about his friends, but morbidly curious as to where this is going to go, so he deliberately gives a vague answer): "They're both wonderful women."
LSSOG (hopeful look on his face): "So... you are looking for partner?"
Awkward pause.
Mudge: "Uh, no thanks... I'm with those two. But -- "
LSSOG: "No, I mean for all (gesturing toward the beach and my rapidly disappearing friends). Like, you all need partner? The two of them, and..." (trails off, but points to Mudge)
Mudge: "Oh." (Awkward pause while checking my shoulder.) "No. I mean, thanks, but no, we're not -- we don't -- I mean..."
LSSOG (smiling): "You never know. We see everything here. And you went to strip club together, so I thought..."
Mudge (motioning toward his dyed arm): "When did you say this thing'll be dry?"
Yes, ladies and gentlemen... I was hit on for group sex by a 5'5" surf shop owner from Israel, Greece, or some combination thereof - while a tropical storm was blowing in off the Atlantic and with thick globs of black henna drying on my arm. That hadn't quite been in my vacation planner, but here it was, live and in color.
There were a bunch more stories from the weekend, but those were the ones that struck me as share-worthy. I'll say this much: I really do pick one of a kind vacations!
DOUBLE, DOUBLE, TOIL AND TROUBLE
So you're an out of the mainstream political party with an extremist agenda that you know will alienate voters. How do you go about convincing them that you're not so "out there" after all? Never fear: the formula is out there, on display this week in New York City.
First, find the only three moderates in your entire party. These three must be people who have publicly espoused positions that are 180 degree opposite of your party platform. You have to trot them out on national television as your first three main speakers on the first two nights of the convention.
You do this as a subterfuge. By making show ponies of men whose positions are at odds with your platform, you can try and trick the public into believing that these men, and their less extreme positions, are the face of your party. You need to try and fool the public... no, you need to deceive the public into believing that you're actually moderate and not a bunch of wild-eyed extremists.
One thing you might want to avoid, however... you should probably not be so overtly insincere and duplicitous that even a newspaper that rubber stamps everything you do is pretty much forced to acknowledge it in a column -- forced to acknowledge that the leaders of your party are now being forced to turn in desperation to men that have been pariahs to the orthodoxy, men whom the leader himself has trashed.
See, that's what the Republicans did... trotting out Giuliani and McCain like show ponies to put a kinder, gentler face on their out of the mainstream platform. But even the Washington Times -- one of the most Republican papers in the country, basically the paper version of Fox "News" -- had to acknowledge that the very men the Republicans are trying to make their face this week are men that Bush has been trashing for years.
It is impossible to imagine any two figures in public life Bush would instinctively more wish to avoid. His 2000 presidential campaign trashed McCain in one of the dirtiest campaigns of smears, slander and attempted personal destruction the Republican Party has ever unleashed against one of its own in the South Carolina, New York and Michigan primaries. McCain, whose cherished sister had died of breast cancer, was even accused of opposing increased spending on cancer research through the highly creative twisting of his actual Senate voting record.
Embracing Giuliani and the moderate Northeastern Republicanism that he embodied through the decade before Sept.11 was not among them. Turning to Giuliani at all, but especially turning to him this late in the day, is an even greater mark of desperation than publicly hugging McCain. For Bush has coldly and calculatedly treated Giuliani as dirt ever since he stepped down on the completion of his second consecutive term as mayor of New York City.
For Giuliani had always been a genuinely moderate Northeastern Republican in the tradition of Thomas E. Dewey, Nelson Rockefeller and the president's own father, former president George Herbert Walker Bush. And the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. has always treated such people as worse than lepers -- or even Democrats.
Don't be fooled, friends. The Republicans are going to try to look and sound like a duck this week... but they still smell like skunks.
RANDOM THOUGHTS UPON RETURNING FROM VACATION
1) It's wonderful to log back on to our fantasy baseball league site after a few days away and to see that your Vice City Vultures have not only remained in first place, but have actually strengthened and have increased their lead to 19.5 points,now sitting at an incredible 135.0 points. There are now only 34 days left in the season - basically one month - and while anything can still happen, the Flying Harbingers of Death do appear to be headed for a first-ever pennant.
2) I logged back on to check my personal e-mail this morning (the work e-mail will wait until tomorrow morning, I am going to milk every last moment of this vacation)... mostly no notes from friends, since everyone knew I was away. But I had about 95 junk e-mails in my inbox... at least two thirds of which were offers to enlarge a specific part of my anatomy.
I was struck by a few things as I reviewed e-mails with titles like "Make Her Squeal," "She Will Remember You," and "Be The Man She Always Wanted You To Be."
-- One, I made a mental note to call every ex-girlfriend to find out which one of them sold me out. (Remember, ladies and gentlemen, insincere self-deprication is the key to life.)
-- Two, I noticed several other spams offering me the opportunity to enlarge my breasts. I guess the hermaphrodite adult entertainment market must be short a few performers or something, that I am getting this amazing opportunity to grow all my appendages at once. (Besides, as anyone who has seen me with my shirt off can attest, I am growing my man-boobs quite healthily all on my own, with no help needed from science.)
-- Three, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of a guy actually orders something from these spam e-mails. I mean, yeah, the male ego is a fragile thing, and is too often all wrapped up in just one validation... but nonetheless, the guys who would buy this stuff from an e-mail spam are men who contain a dangerous chemical combination of three horrific elements: first, they seem to have the unfortunate notion that their penis is the sole arbiter of good sex. Second, these guys are so inscure about their body that they will trust junk science to do what nature and Austin Powers-style Swedish pumps could not. And third, they would appear to believe that they can acquire this miracle science not through their physician or at a medical facility, but rather through a mass e-mailing from "Dr. Hugh G. Johnson" promising that the woman in their lives will no longer have to tell "The Lie Your Woman Doesn't Want You To Know About." Something tells me these guys might also shell out money for that "Rare Star Trek Outtakes" DVD or "The Compleat Dungeons and Dragons Handbook for DungeonMasters."
-- If I had any guts or sense of adventure at all, I would (in the name of science and entertainment) order one of these things and write about the entire experience. (Kind of like The Sneeze's recurring "Steve, Don't Eat It" feature. Maybe I could call it, "Chris, Don't Grow It.") However, I'm extremely leery of getting my name or credit card number on any of their lists, and besides, this is a family blog. (Okay, not really... but as funny as I think a running series on this concept might be, my mom and some co-workers occasionally read this blog, so it's a really funny concept that will be left to someone else to write.)
3) Is there a quicker way to induce muscle knots and tension headaches than The Last Day Of Vacation? I just had the nine most relaxing and refreshing days I have had all year... and yet this morning my old friends the Tight Neck and Sore Back have returned.
4) Have said this many, many times before and come up short... but once again, after having stepped on a gas station scale this weekend and seen 259.7 lbs read out in LED horror, I am on a "I Gotta Lose Some Weight" kick. Don't let me slack off again or use something as wimpy as a torn groin as an excuse... maybe next year at the beach I will actually take off my shirt.
5) Speaking of that... even after two washes, the shirt I wore in the ocean Saturday still smells like the ocean. I think I'm going to just keep it that way instead of washing it again.
Thus endeth my random post-vacation thoughts... I have a four and a half hour drive back up to New York now, but I'll be back on tonight to share some weekend stories with you - it was a good one. And I promise, I will bring the movie lines off of hiatus tonight as well... stay tuned for lines #20-#16. Thanks for hanging with me and with this site while I was away, kids. It's much appreciated.
Posted by Christopher at 11:50 AM | Comments (0)ANOTHER VICTIM OF LUCAS-ITIS
There is a sad disease that often afflicts Hollywood types... the main symptom is not being able to leave well enough alone. George Lucas is sort of the Lou Gehrig of this syndrome, being its most famous sufferer and lending his name to the disease. When afflicted, directors of perfectly good films suddenly decide - often up to a decade later or more - that they should make a sequel to one of their films. The problems with this are:
-- the work's original audience has grown up, and so no one out there now was crying out to learn the next chapter
-- the director often has gotten fat and happy and lazy in Hollywood and thusly relies completely on nostalgia and CGI in place of actual plot or storytelling.
Lucas is beyond hope; his case is terminal. Now, one of my all time favorites -- Kevin Smith -- appears to be infected as well. 1994's "Clerks" was one of the funniest, most original films of the 90s. So what should we do? That's right, kids... write a sequel and begin shooting it in January 2005!
Why, God? Why?
Look, if anyone can pull this off, it'll be Smith. And I have to give him credit... the working title, "The Passion of The Clerks," is pretty damn funny. But I have to think he caught lightning in a bottle when the original was committed to film... and that this or any other sequel will merely cheapen the original, much as everything George Lucas has done since 1981 has cheapened the legacy of Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back.
Kevin... buddy... please remember, man... you can't go home again.
Posted by Christopher at 11:40 AM | Comments (0)August 27, 2004
FOR THE RECORD, I AM *NOT* VACATIONING IN CANADA!!
Couldn't help but think of the good old Mackenzie Brothers when I saw this story. But I feel compelled to remind everyone that I went south of New York, not north. Okay? Believe me?
Somewhere in Canada there are thieves with nearly 50,000 cans of beer they will have a hard time selling, although police said Thursday the truck driver who disappeared with the loot has been arrested.
The shipment of Moosehead beer, worth over $57,000, was on its way to Mexico from an East Coast brewery when it went missing, along with the driver. The transport truck was recovered last week -- still running -- in Grand Falls, New Brunswick, but with most of its cargo missing.
Come to think of it... does anyone know where the Doc, Tim, and Pemagnet were last week?
Posted by Christopher at 09:32 AM | Comments (0)August 26, 2004
POSTCARD
Okay, never let it be said that I don't care about you guys. Here's a postcard for you from the Rehobeth/Dewey Beach area in Delaware. The weather's outstanding and the dolphins are schooling just off shore... drove over to the eastern shore of the Chesapeake last night for a fresh crab dinner at The Red Roost (a local institution, and for good reason). Wish you were here! (Well, not really... don't know where we'd put everybody. But I'm thinking about you guys while I kick back on the beach with my toes in the sand and the breeze drifts in off the water.)
photos courtesy of DeweyBeach.com
August 20, 2004
VACATION, ALL I EVER WANTED... VACATION, HAD TO GET AWAY
Well, kids... hate to bail in mid-countdown... but I don't think anyone's paying much attention anyway. Besides, the beach is calling me, man. And you don't know how badly I need a vacation. I realized just how bad a way I'm in right now when I heard the Hilary and Hayley Duff teeny-bop version of the Go-go's "Our Lips Are Sealed," and I thought it sounded like a pretty good cover. Now, if that's not a sure sign of too much stress, I don't know what is.
I'm heading for the Atlantic shore for the next nine days... will be back online some time Monday afternoon, August 30. Have a great week, everyone, and I'll "see" you next week!
Posted by Christopher at 11:53 PM | Comments (0)50 BEST MOVIE LINES EVER: #25-#21
We're countin' 'em down, like we do every week here on American Top 50... as the numbers get smaller, the hits get bigger. Now... on with the countdown. (Cue Music: "Mudge's Coast to Coast." Next, cue cheesy radio voice over people: "Number Twenty-Five!")
25. "Ain't gonna be no rematch." "Don't want one." -- Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) and Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone), ROCKY (1976)
One of the great tragedies of modern cinema is that Sylvester Stallone was not banned by law from making more than one sequel to Rocky. II was a good movie, III was okay, IV was a punchline, and V was one of the ten worst films of the 90s. But the original was brilliant; I honestly could argue for it as the best boxing film ever made. (No, I haven't forgotten "Raging Bull," I just said I could argue for Rocky as well.) Don't forget, Stallone actually got an Oscar nomination for Best Actor for this film.
What I liked most about Rocky was that the script (written by Stallone?!) managed to have the hero triumphant in the end without the Hollywood ending... it would have been so easy to have Rocky beat Apollo Creed and have the underdog triumph over impossible odds... but Stallone didn't take the easy way out. He crafted a story in which our hero can win without winning. The fight is wonderfully choreographed, and the story in the ring plays out in a crescendo of emotion that still puts me on the edge of my seat if I see it on TV again on a boring weekend.
And how does Stallone drive the whole story home? As the exhausted fighters embrace at the end of the fight, barely able to stand, Apollo tells the Stallion that this was his one shot - there will be no rematch. Rocky, ever triumphant, replies that he doesn't want one... because for him the fight wasn't about winning the championship, it was about proving something - to the world, and to himself. And in that moment, you know that he did it.
24. "They're he-e-e-e-e-e-re." -- Carol Anne Freeling (Heather O'Rourke), POLTERGEIST (1982)
I'm a grown man. I'm 36 years old. I was 14 when Poltergeist came out. And I still get skeeved out if there's "snow" on the television.
Can you name me two words (besides, "I'm pregnant") that so instantly put all the hairs on the back of your neck on end? The sense of foreboding and tension when little Carol Anne informs the family that they're not alone in the house anymore... it's thick. And the fact that the little 5 year old girl says it in that high-pitched, innocent little girl voice just makes it a creepier line. The only other line that ever put a scare into me like that was "Have you checked the children?" -- but that was a TV movie, so it doesn't count.
Poltergeist was underrated, man.
23. "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." -- The Dread Pirate Roberts/Westley (Cary Elwes), THE PRINCESS BRIDE (1987)
Probably not the best pull from Princess Bride for most people. But I don't think I've ever heard a movie line that sums up my philosophy of life better than this one. So I don't care whether you think this is the best line from that movie. And I don't care whether you like this movie. It's my list, and it's my curmudgeonly expectations and beliefs that make me enjoy the lines I do. So you can keep your ROUS's, and Innigo Montoya can tell someone else that they killed his father and must prepare to die. I say, Life is Pain, and anyone who says differently is selling something.
22. "Would you give a guy a foot massage?" "Fuck you." -- Vincent Vega (John Travolta) and Jules Whitfield (Samuel L. Jackson), PULP FICTION (1994)
Back in 1997, I was one of the Dean's TA's back at Boston University's College of Communication... I had a section of 20 freshmen for an hour every Friday morning for their Perspectves in Communication class - an introduction to all the media and methods of mass communication. (We basically had one or two weeks for each medium.) When it came time to give them an introduction to the techniques and principles of film, I used the scene from the beginning of Pulp Fiction -- when Jules and Vincent are preparing to reclaim the briefcase and kill Bret and Flock of Seagulls -- as an example of the importance of good dialogue to a story (a lesson, by the way, that George Lucas never seems to have learned).
You have two professional hit men, preparing to go intimidate and then kill four people on behalf of a drug lord. These are not characters you're naturally going to feel sympathy for, or come to actually like. Unless, of course, they're given witty banter and smart dialogue as the scene builds... so that you as the audience almost forget who they are and what they're about to do... and by the time they actually get inside the apartment, you're hooked -- they're the good guys now, and you're cheering for them as they blow people away in cold blood.
The whole build-up is outstanding - from the Royale with Cheese and mayo on french fries in the car, all the way up to their conclusion that Tony Rocky Horror shoulda damn well known better than to massage Mia Wallace's feet. But the line that both solidifies Jules and Vincent as your heroes, and cements the tone of the dialogue for the rest of the film, is the extended discussion about the unspoken meaning of foot massages... and if Jules is so sure they don't mean anything, perhaps he might give a man a foot massage. Jackson plays his response perfectly, waiting a few seconds as the realization that he's "caught" sinks in on the audience before delivering the tell-off. Outstanding writing, outstanding acting.
21. "Is it safe?" -- Dr. Christian Szell (Laurence Olivier), MARATHON MAN (1976)
Go ahead, name me another line in the history of film that puts you in more physical pain simply upon hearing it. I dare you. I defy you.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the dentist... here comes the scene in which the sadistic Nazi played by Olivier prepares to torture a clueless Dustin Hoffman. Hoffman's character is so terrified that he begins to spout whatever answer he thinks the doctor is looking for. "Yes, it's safe, it's very safe, it's so safe you wouldn't believe it..." and then right away, "No, it's not safe, be very careful," in the same sentence. And every time I hear that line and hear that drill... the screenwriter was brilliant to realize that just about everyone freaks a little when they hear a dentist drill anyway... combine that sound with a sadistic Nazi and the idea of torture, and you get an all-time Hall of Fame cringe.
Like I said, go on and name me another line that actually makes you cringe and flinch in physical pain whenever you hear it. Go on.
I didn't think so.
Posted by Christopher at 11:29 PM | Comments (0)SWIFT BOAT LIARS FOR BUSH
Well, well, well. As it turns out, upon further examination, there are only two fundamental truths about the whole Swift Boat debacle. One, the Republican front group calling itself "Swift Boat Veterans For Truth" is a colossal collection of liars. And two, they're in fact very closely tied with the Bush White House - and their actvities in the last couple of weeks have been little more than a very dirty trick gone very awry.
What I'll be waiting to see is the reaction from all these conservative yahoos who were so quick to jump all over Kerry (and those of us who support him), and who were so desperately eager to believe anything bad about anyone who isn't Bush (despite their being willing to put on enormous oversize blinders when it comes to observing Bush's actions). Will they say, "Oh... guess we were wrong?" Will they decide they owe Kerry an apology? More importantly, will they demand accountability from Karl Rove and that Vietnam-dodging, AWOL chicken hawk Bush?
Nah, they won't. They'll whine and cry about "liberal media" -- which is the automatic fallback for conservatives; any time news comes out that isn't heavily laden with conservative spin, they brand it "liberal media" and simply refuse to believe it. It's a great way to not have to deal with reality.
However, whether conservatives like it or not, the truth is out. There have been any number of exposes that reveal both the extent of the Swift Boat Liars, and their shady connections to the White House. As the New York Times put it, "A series of interviews and a review of documents show a web of connections to the Bush family, high-profile Texas political figures and President Bush's chief political aide, Karl Rove."
Aw, what's the matter, conservatives? Don't like the truth?
Records show that the group received the bulk of its initial financing from two men with ties to the president and his family - one a longtime political associate of Mr. Rove's, the other a trustee of the foundation for Mr. Bush's father's presidential library. A Texas publicist who once helped prepare Mr. Bush's father for his debate when he was running for vice president provided them with strategic advice. And the group's television commercial was produced by the same team that made the devastating ad mocking Michael S. Dukakis in an oversized tank helmet when he and Mr. Bush's father faced off in the 1988 presidential election.
Hmm... you know, ties to Bill Clinton a lot more nebulous than that would get you a congressional investigator knocking on your door back in the 90s, wanting to know what you knew about Whitewater.
Oh, I know what you're going to cry now -- that this is all about the liberal media being out to get Bush. (How is it that a group that claims to be the majority is still somehow always whining about everyone that's out to get them: the media, Hollywood, the intelligentsia, academics, the northeastern elite, and on and on and on? Either you're a majority or you're a beseiged minority - but you can't really be both at the same time, now can you?) Anyway, so let's look at what the conservative bible, Fox "News," has to say:
Records show that Bob Perry, a Houston homebuilder who is helping to finance the anti-Kerry commercials, was well-enough known to Bush to earn an invitation to visit the then-Texas governor.
Even Fox is having to admit that the Swift Boat Liars have connections to Bush -- even though they do it kicking and screaming, with that admission buried at the bottom of the article after spending paragraphs crowing about how effective the anti-Kerry ads have been.
But beyond the ties to Bush, let's settle something once and for all: the Swift Boat Veterans are liars. As the Times reports:
But on close examination, the accounts of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth prove to be riddled with inconsistencies. In many cases, material offered as proof by these veterans is undercut by official Navy records and the men's own statements.
Several of those now declaring Mr. Kerry "unfit" had lavished praise on him, some as recently as last year. In an unpublished interview in March 2003 with Mr. Kerry's authorized biographer, Douglas Brinkley, provided by Mr. Brinkley to The New York Times, Roy F. Hoffmann, a retired rear admiral and a leader of the group, allowed that he had disagreed with Mr. Kerry's antiwar positions but said, "I am not going to say anything negative about him." He added, "He's a good man."
George Elliott, one of the Vietnam veterans in the group, flew from his home in Delaware to Boston in 1996 to stand up for Mr. Kerry during a tough re-election fight, declaring at a news conference that the action that won Mr. Kerry a Silver Star was "an act of courage." At that same event, Adrian L. Lonsdale, another Vietnam veteran now speaking out against Mr. Kerry, supported him with a statement about the "bravado and courage of the young officers that ran the Swift boats."
"Senator Kerry was no exception," Mr. Lonsdale told the reporters and cameras assembled at the Charlestown Navy Yard. "He was among the finest of those Swift boat drivers."
Those comments echoed the official record. In an evaluation of Mr. Kerry in 1969, Mr. Elliott, who was one of his commanders, ranked him as "not exceeded" in 11 categories, including moral courage, judgment and decisiveness, and "one of the top few" - the second-highest distinction - in the remaining five. In written comments, he called Mr. Kerry "unsurpassed," "beyond reproach" and "the acknowledged leader in his peer group."
So how is it that things can change that much? It would seem that one of two things happened: either Mr. Elliott lied on the evaluations 35 years ago (a criminal offense according to the UCMJ), or he's lying through his teeth now.
Want more proof of their lies? They're using a doctor in their commercials who says Kerry's wounds were self-inflicted... but military records show that the man never even treated Kerry.
In the television commercial, Dr. Louis Letson looks into the camera and declares, "I know John Kerry is lying about his first Purple Heart because I treated him for that injury." Dr. Letson does not dispute the wound - a piece of shrapnel above Mr. Kerry's left elbow - but he and others in the group argue that it was minor and self-inflicted.
Yet Dr. Letson's name does not appear on any of the medical records for Mr. Kerry. Under "person administering treatment" for the injury, the form is signed by a medic, J. C. Carreon, who died several years ago. Asked in an interview if there was any way to confirm he had treated Mr. Kerry, Dr. Letson said, "I guess you'll have to take my word for it."
Take the word of anyone associated with this group? Hell, if you're willing to do that, I'll sell you the damn Brooklyn Bridge right now for the bargain basement price of $2.5 million.
Not only are the Swift Boat Veterans lying, but the group has twisted and manipulated statements by other veterans who supported Kerry. For example,
Patrick Runyon, who served on a mission with Mr. Kerry, said he initially thought the caller was from a pro-Kerry group, and happily gave a statement about the night Mr. Kerry won his first Purple Heart. The investigator said he would send it to him by e-mail for his signature. Mr. Runyon said the edited version was stripped of all references to enemy combat, making it look like just another night in the Mekong Delta.
"It made it sound like I didn't believe we got any returned fire," he said. "He made it sound like it was a normal operation. It was the scariest night of my life."
Want more? Here you go:
The group also offers the account of William L. Schachte Jr., a retired rear admiral who says in the book that he had been on the small skimmer on which Mr. Kerry was injured that night in December 1968. He contends that Mr. Kerry wounded himself while firing a grenade.
But the two other men who acknowledged that they had been with Mr. Kerry, Bill Zaladonis and Mr. Runyon, say they cannot recall a third crew member. "Me and Bill aren't the smartest, but we can count to three," Mr. Runyon said in an interview. And even Dr. Letson said he had not recalled Mr. Schachte until he had a conversation with another veteran earlier this year and received a subsequent phone call from Mr. Schachte himself. Mr. Schachte did not return a telephone call, and a spokesman for the group said he would not comment.
How about this from Larry Thurlow, another member of the Swift Boat Liars, whose boat was allegedly 60 yards from Kerry's that night?
A damage report to Mr. Thurlow's boat shows that it received three bullet holes, suggesting enemy fire, and later intelligence reports indicate that one Vietcong was killed in action and five others wounded, reaffirming the presence of an enemy. Mr. Thurlow said the boat was hit the day before. He also received a Bronze Star for the day, a fact left out of "Unfit for Command."
Asked about the award, Mr. Thurlow said that he did not recall what the citation said but that he believed it had commended him for saving the lives of sailors on a boat hit by a mine. If it did mention enemy fire, he said, that was based on Mr. Kerry's false reports. The actual citation, Mr. Thurlow said, was with an ex-wife with whom he no longer has contact, and he declined to authorize the Navy to release a copy. But a copy obtained by The New York Times indicates "enemy small arms," "automatic weapons fire" and "enemy bullets flying about him."
What a bunch of disgraceful, lying slimeballs these guys are. Most of the men leveling these charges were never even there... fitting, since they're working for a man who never went to Vietnam and never bothered to show up for his Guard service in Alabama. (Kerry's military records back up his stories... Bush's can't be found. Kerry has an armada of men he served with who stand up with him; Bush can't find a single person who can remember him being in Alabama with the Guard.) And those who were there are telling tales that their own records can't support.
Now... tying them to Bush. (Not that it's hard to do.)
Mr. Perry, who has given $200,000 to the group, is the top donor to Republicans in the state, according to Texans for Public Justice, a nonpartisan group that tracks political donations. He donated $46,000 to President Bush's campaigns for governor in 1994 and 1998. In the 2002 election, the group said, he donated nearly $4 million to Texas candidates and political committees. Mr. Rove, Mr. Bush's top political aide, recently said through a spokeswoman that he and Mr. Perry were longtime friends, though he said they had not spoken for at least a year.
Yeah... I'm supposed to believe that there's no coordination?
Another partner, Tex Lezar, ran on the Republican ticket with Mr. Bush in 1994, as lieutenant governor. They were two years apart at Yale, and Mr. Lezar worked for the attorney general's office in the Reagan administration. Mr. Lezar, who died last year, was married to Merrie Spaeth, a powerful public relations executive who has helped coordinate the efforts of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. In 2000, Ms. Spaeth was spokeswoman for a group that ran $2 million worth of ads attacking Senator John McCain's environmental record and lauding Mr. Bush's in crucial states during their fierce primary battle.
Ms. Spaeth had been a communications official in the Reagan White House, where the president's aides had enough confidence in her to invite her to help prepare George Bush for his vice-presidential debate in 1984. She says she is also a close friend of Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison of Texas, a client of Mr. Rove's. Ms. Spaeth said in an interview that the one time she had ever spoken to Mr. Rove was when Ms. Hutchison was running for the Texas treasurer's office in 1990.
When asked if she had ever visited the White House during Mr. Bush's tenure, Ms. Spaeth initially said that she had been there only once, in 2002, when Kenneth Starr gave her a personal tour. But this week Ms. Spaeth acknowledged that she had spent an hour in the Old Executive Office Building, part of the White House complex, in the spring of 2003, giving Mr. Bush's chief economic adviser, Stephen Friedman, public speaking advice. Asked if it was possible that she had worked with other administration officials, Ms. Spaeth said, "The answer is 'no,' unless you refresh my memory."
In other words, no... unless you've caught me in another lie similar to the one I told about not being in the White House during Bush's tenure.
These people -- the Swift Boat Liars, Spaeth, Perry, Rove, and Bush himself -- have shamefully perverted the political process. They are disgraces to our military and to our nation. And anyone who's actually going to believe a word that comes out of Republican mouths about John Kerry -- or believe their denials that that Machiavellian snake in the White House is behind it -- lacks the ability to be objective.
Posted by Christopher at 11:25 PM | Comments (0)VULTURE UPDATE
I know you're all just dying to know how the Vice City Vultures are doing. (Cue "Hell's Bells.")
With six weeks left in the season, we're still in first, as we have been for all but two days since the all-star break. We've settled in at a ridiculous level, sitting between 128 and 131 points for about the last 10 days. (The maximum possible is 168, and 124 is usually enough to win.)
I don't know that we can keep it up -- Pedro Martinez, Mark Mulder and Mark Prior have not pitched well lately, and Jason Marquis hasn't really impressed since arriving in Vice City from the 'Goths. Dewon Brazelton only pitches well when the Devil Rays are at home, Jason Johnson has been inconsistent, and Paul Wilson and Victor Zambrano are both on the DL.
But the offense - once the weaker half of your Flying Harbingers of Death - has been on fire for the last month. Albert Pujols, Scott Rolen, AJ Pierzynski, the reacquired Mark Loretta, and the newly acquired Bobby Abreu have fueled this improbable run.
Six weeks to go, kids... and we're still clinging to an 8-10 point lead. Those darn Doggies won't go away though... stay tuned.
Posted by Christopher at 11:23 PM | Comments (0)THE LUFKIN REDEMPTION
It's cases like this one that make me worry about the death penalty... a real-life Andy Dufresne just crawled through his own metaphorical sewer to freedom.
LUFKIN, Texas (AP) -- A 76-year-old man who spent nearly every day of the last four decades in prison walked free after a judge found that deputies extracted his confession to a 1962 robbery by crushing his fingers between cell bars.
Ahh... gotta love Texas "justice," don't ya?
State District Judge David Wilson, who dismissed Coney's charges, investigated and found that the sheriff of Angelina County at the time and his deputies used physical force to extract confessions, often crushing prisoners' fingers between jail cell bars. When Wilson questioned Coney, the prisoner held up two twisted and bent fingers.
"I remember the sheriff well," Coney said.
No confirmation of reports that Coney was seen wandering a hayfield near Buxton, Maine, looking for a piece of black volcanic glass that had no earthly business being in a Maine hayfield... or that he crossed the border at Fort Hancock, Texas, on his way to Zihuantenejo, Mexico. But I hope he finds his friend and shakes his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it is in his dreams.
I hope.
Posted by Christopher at 11:05 PM | Comments (0)ADMISSION
Former television personality Jane Pauley has written a book, due out Tuesday, called "Skywriting: A Life Out Of The Blue." It's her autobiography for the most part... but pretty much the most surprising revelation is her admission that she suffers from bipolar disorder.
"If you didn't know me well, you might not have noticed anything strange; I was strange only for me," the former co-anchor of "Today" and "Dateline NBC" writes. "I knew I wasn't well, but I didn't seem to be at a serious risk for more than some turbulence, though my doctors alluded to the possibility of a crash landing."...
By the time she was hospitalized at New York Hospital in the spring of 2001, the bipolar condition (often called manic depression) was clear to Pauley. "My tides were fluctuating -- back and forth -- sometimes so fast they seemed to be spinning."
I'm moved by her story because I know it well - or at least, it's a lot like what I know. The process of realizing that something's not right doesn't take long; the process of realizing that it's out of control and that you can't handle it takes much longer. But that spinning feeling she describes is terrifying... and that fear can lead someone to go talk to someone. The process of letting your family and friends know that you've been diagnosed can take longer still... because no matter what the docs tell you about how many people have it and there being no reason for shame, there's still a stigma to it -- and you wonder if people will look at you differently once they know. (After a while, you realize that many of those closest to you have at least slightly suspected something anyway.)
The good news is that it can be treated... with medication, therapy, or both. The process of getting it under control and learning to deal with it is not easy, but the difference in quality of life is something that isn't easily put into words. Night and day aren't opposite enough to describe it; maybe life and death is more apropos.
There are a few different types of bipolarity; I'm most familiar with Bipolar II Disorder. While I've not really ever hidden that, and while most of the people who know me well probably figured it out before I did... I've also never really shouted it from the rooftops either. Why am I saying something now -- on this blog of all places? I dunno... guess I figured that if Jane Pauley can talk about it, then so can I. Besides, the more people talk about it, the more likely that someone who either needs help or knows someone who needs help might actually get it.
Okay, enough with the whining therapy session... we now return you to your regularly scheduled curmudgeonliness.
Posted by Christopher at 10:30 PM | Comments (0)August 19, 2004
50 BEST MOVIE LINES EVER: #30-#26
Heading right on in today with little fanfare... gotta be on a plane in a couple of hours.
30. "You'll shoot your eye out!" -- Various characters, A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983)
I admittedly have a soft spot for this one because of family... this is my mother's favorite holiday movie, and she's had it on VHS or DVD since it came out, pretty much. (Not to mention that TBS plays it for 24 hours every December 24-25.) In my family, it's not really the holidays unless this movie is on... and years from now (hopefully many, many years), when Mom is gone, I know that every Christmas I'll be able to have her back with us in spirit just by having Ralphie, Flick, Randy, Schwartz, Farkus, and the Bumpuses' dogs on TV somewhere in the house.
But even with personal affinities aside, this is one of the classic holiday films - TBS runs it for 24 hours straight every year for a reason. And while there are any number of really good lines in it, there's no way to pick anything other than the movie's raison d'etre: Ralphie won't get the Red Rider BB gun he wants for Christmas, because everyone -- his mother, his teacher, even Santa Claus -- says "you'll shoot your eye out."
29. "Why don't you pass the time by playing a little solitaire?" -- Various; mainly Mrs. Iselin (Angela Lansbury), THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962)
Ignore the lazy 2004 remake. (I hate that Hollywood has so little creativity or originality left that they have to start covering classic films.) The 1962 original with Frank Sinatra, Laurence Harvey, and Angela Lansbury is one of my personal top ten films of all time. Another classic piece of Cold War statements, this was one of the first films to take on the subject of McCarthyism and anti-Communist hysteria. Not to mention that it's simply an intsensely compelling story that's extremely well-acted.
The sinister Communist forces who've brainwashed Raymond Shaw -- led by, of all people, his own mother (played in strongly hinted incestuous glory by the outstanding Angela Lansbury) -- use this simple line to trigger his trances... during which he is a programmed assassin who could change the balance of power in the world. The line's repeated by a few in the movie, but none is better than when Mrs. Iselin sets the final plot to kill the presidential candidate in motion... by suggesting to her son that he play a little solitaire to get his mind of the girl she's forced him to dump.
28. "We're under a lot of pressure, you know, and you put us there. Nothing's riding on this except the, uh, first amendment to the Constitution, freedom of the press, and maybe the future of the country. Not that any of that matters, but if you guys fuck up again, I'm going to get mad. Goodnight." -- Ben Bradlee (Jason Robards), ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN (1976)
Another of my all time top ten films, All The President's Men recounts the behind the scenes story of Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein's work in ferreting out the full story of the Watergate scandal. (An unfortunate side effect is that this whole drama, as it played out, gave conservatives ammunition for their baloney "liberal media" red herring.) It was simply two investigative reporters, doing their job and trying to get to the truth that so many were trying to keep from coming out. The political machinations are interesting enough, but I've always found the story of how the journalists went about their jobs to be more compelling.
When Wooward and Bernstein mess up by reporting a false lead (deliberately planted by the machine responsible for Watergate), discrediting their story and the Washington Post itself, they go to editor Ben Bradlee's house in the middle of the night to 'fess up. Bradlee has to walk a fine line... he knows these two are onto something and have worked hard to this point, but they've also messed up, and another mistake could sink both the story and the paper. He dismisses them from his home with a classic line about everything that was at stake and that was riding on their work... no pressure, guys.
27. "You wanna know how you do it? Here's how, they pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send on of his to the morgue! That's the Chicago way, and that's how you get Capone!" -- Jim Malone (Sean Connery), THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987)
Shut up. This isn't a Mafia movie so much as a crime drama... the heroes are the cops. Flawed cops, sure -- but still, the action centers around the police and not the hoods. Besides, any line that gets Sean Connery an Oscar is fine by me. The movie was good, not great... but this line is one for all time - a summary of the blood oath of escalating violence that it will take to beat the Mafia at its own game. (Not to mention that it lends itself to parody oh-so-well.)
26. "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries! You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English Kuh-nig-its." -- French Soldier (John Cleese), MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1975)
This is one of those movies that I mentioned where I could have probably gotten six of the top 50 if I hadn't shown any restraint. The Holy Grail is one of the funniest movies ever made... and is one of those movies that people -- okay, men -- annoy the hell out of people with, by constantly spitting out quotes from.
What line to choose? Migrating swallows? The killer rabbit -- where death awaits you with hideous pointy teeth? Naughty, naught Zoot? There are those who call him... Tim? What is your favorite color? Help, help, I'm being repressed? I could go on and on -- and would probably like to -- but the whole interaction with the French soldier is probably the one that gets quoted the most in my little corner of the world. And if you don't like it, I fart in your general direction.
Posted by Christopher at 09:27 PM | Comments (0)HELL NO, WE WON'T GROW
I blogged a couple of weeks ago about how the military is now paying for breast augmentation for female soldiers. (Just out of curiousity, I wonder if they're paying for supplies of Enzyte?) Anyway, I suppose that it was inevitable that someone would protest this policy. But I didn't see this one coming.
A group supporting natural breasts staged a small street protest in Hollywood on Wednesday against a U.S. military policy offering free breast implants to female soldiers... The group, led by porn star and former California gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey, said the military should spend its money on "bullets, not boobs."
"I think girls should have natural boobs and natural beauty," Carey said after unveiling her own breasts in the protest at an Army recruiting office on Sunset Boulevard. "Women should be happy with their bodies and what they're blessed with," the 24-year-old star of 37 porn films said.
Her words and deeds drew cheers from a small group of men who had gathered to watch the event. Passing cars sounded their horns in response to a sign that read "Honk if you love natural breasts."
Um... beep beep.
Posted by Christopher at 09:10 PM | Comments (0)August 18, 2004
50 BEST MOVIE LINES EVER: #35-31
Two disclaimers today. First of all, at some point here Tim is going to do a post on all the good lines I missed in this little countdown. So you should either keep commenting here, or better yet head over to his site, and don't let him forget about great ones you'd like to see but don't get from me.
Second... I should tell you that I have a limit on myself here - no more than two lines per movie, no matter how many great lines came from a single film. If I hadn't put that rule in, this whole list would be made up of lines from only about 7 or 8 movies. So if you're reading these posts and thinking that there are more great lines from a movie than I have listed for it... you're probably right. Moving on...
35. "Say hello to my little friend!" -- Tony Montana (Al Pacino), SCARFACE (1983)
Any movie line that ends up making it to SportsCenter 20 years later as a home run call automatically makes this list. Pacino's a great actor, but his accent in this movie's as bad as the pro wrestler who emulated it for his character in the 90s (Razor Ramon). But still... great scene, great line, and the added tie-in to baseball years on down the road - and it makes #35 on the list.
34. "Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up... it'll be anarchy!" -- John Bender (Judd Nelson), THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985)
This was the movie my junior year of high school... the silly "which one are you" debates were endless. I was something of a cross between Estevez and Hall... so naturally I loved Nelson's burnout charcater the most. At 16, I thought that this was the most realistic depiction of what it's like to be a teen ever put on celluloid. Today, I still think it's pretty on-target.
There were a boatload of great lines in this movie: Barry Manilow's wardrobe, Claire being a fat girl's name... and whatever the hell a neo-maxi zoom dweebie is. But in the end I had to go with the one that always made me laugh... the line that, for me, captures Bender's smart-ass attitude and apropos-of-nothing, stream of consciousness desire to get under Principal Vernon's skin, even if he has to say something that makes absolutely no sense.
33. "Why am I Mr. Pink?" -- Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi), RESEVOIR DOGS (1992)
The idea of a criminal for hire caring about the color assigned to him is funny enough. Have the line coming out of Steve Buscemi's mouth, and it becomes a classic.
32. "You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it... and I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!" -- Buck Russell (John Candy), UNCLE BUCK (1989)
Another movie I could have pulled any number of lines from. But the one that always cracks me up the most is when good old Uncle Buck tells off the prudish, overbearing, take-herself-too-seriously assistant principal. Tell me -- go on and try -- that any time you see someone with a mole, you don't think of this line right away?
31. "HEY! I'm walking here! I'm walking here!" -- Ratso Rizzo (Dustin Hoffman), MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969)
The apocrypha on this one is that it was a completely unscripted and improvised line, made up on the spot by Hoffman when a New York City taxi inadvertantly drove into the shot. If it's true, then not only did Hoffman save the scene with a great line that was totally within Rizzo's character... but he pretty much came up with the quintessential New York attitude. His response, while slamming his hand on the hood of the cab, is all New York; how dare that cab get in the middle of my crosswalk when I'm walking? (It's a great clip... see it in the trailer here.)
Midnight Cowboy - with its cynical, depressing look not only at New York but at people and at life itself - is one of my all time favorite movies. Ratso Rizzo, the would-be hustler who's scared beneath the veneer and is crumbling away before our eyes, is one of my all time favorite characters. And this line and the way Hoffman snarls it will always be one of my favorites as well.
A STORY *NOT* FROM PENNSYLVANIA
Having driven in the Keystone state several times, I can say that the only thing that surprises me about this story is that it didn't happen near Philadelphia.
Police in eastern Latvia were trying to determine Wednesday what charges to bring against a drunken horse-and-buggy driver who caused a drunken motorist to crash into a ditch, flipping his car.
The accident happened just before midnight Monday near Kraslava, 140 miles east of the Latvian capital, Riga. The driver of the horse-and-buggy made an illegal turn onto a main road when he should have yielded to an oncoming car, said Kraslava police spokeswoman Ingrida Nevedomska. To avoid crashing into the horse-and-buggy, the driver of the car, a Volkswagen Golf, veered into a roadside ditch, flipping his car, Nevedomska said. The driver was not seriously hurt.
I figured the spokesperson's name would be John Book.
Posted by Christopher at 10:51 PM | Comments (0)I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD 'EM... AND NOW THEY'RE GONNA BAN 'EM??
You know, living in the New York area, I'd like to think I've seen just about anything there is to be seen. But every now and then, something comes along that had escaped my attention or experience. I ran across one such story today: there is such a thing as motorized pole dancing. That's right... a pole dance in a limousine.
And just when I learn of this -- and have time to ponder the dazzling logistics of how that would work -- the Welsh are banning the practice!
Councillors from the mountainous Welsh county of Gwynedd said many limousine hire companies were providing erotic dancers as entertainment for clients, but agreed in-car striptease was "inappropriate."
"Lately, stretch limousines have been used more and more," said the report prepared for the council's licensing committee. "Some operators are providing entertainment to clients within the vehicle which may involve inappropriate activities such as lap dancing, giving rise to concerns about indecency."
The report did not make clear how many companies were offering motorised pole dancing in North Wales.
Okay, first of all... did I really read that right? An official government report said that lap dancing is giving rise to concerns? Cue Beavis and Butthead... "Heh heh huh heh hee hee huh huh he huh heh huh... he said, 'rise.'"
Secondly... doesn't it strike you that these council folks might have just a little not enough to do, for them to be worried about what goes on inside limousines? (Thank god these guys weren't around on my prom night!)
Posted by Christopher at 10:44 PM | Comments (0)THE TIDE IS TURNING
From the beginning of the campaign, Rove & company have known that this election would be tight. They know that Democrats have been waiting for the chance to beat him at the polls (again) for three and a half years now, and that relatively few Gore voters were going to switch sides. They've been saying all along that Bush's hopes rest not just on getting swing voters and playing up his perceived strength on terrorism and defense... but on shoring up his Republican base and making sure that his core supporters remain firmly in his camp.
Don't look now, but his Republican base is starting to abandon him too.
Two items caught my eye today; first, the outgoing Vice Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, Doug Bereuter (R-Nebraska) has declared that Bush's war in Iraq was an unjustified mistake. (In 2002, Bereuter vocally supported the House resolution authorizing President Bush to go to war.)
"I've reached the conclusion, retrospectively, now that the inadequate intelligence and faulty conclusions are being revealed, that all things being considered, it was a mistake to launch that military action," Bereuter wrote in a letter to his constituents. "Left unresolved for now is whether intelligence was intentionally misconstrued to justify military action," he said...
"Now we are immersed in a dangerous, costly mess, and there is no easy and quick way to end our responsibilities in Iraq without creating bigger future problems in the region and, in general, in the Muslim world." Bereuter said that as a result of the war, "our country's reputation around the world has never been lower and our alliances are weakened."
Look at that again, kids. A 13-term member of the House -- and a member of the President's own party -- feels that it's still an open question as to whether intelligence was intentionally misconstrued. A leading House Republican sees the damage that Bush has done to American prestige -- shredding our international reputation -- and has called it out. When even Republicans are finally having to acknowledge what that cretin has done to the name of our great nation, you can feel it slipping away for Bush.
While I am sure we'll hear more whining about the allegedly liberal media, George Will is no one's idea of a liberal. Yet even he's turning on Bush. Check out his column in today's Washington Post, called "Ignoring History In Iraq." Not only does Will start the column by pointing out that by election day, Bush's folly will have lasted longer than US involvement in World War I, the Spanish-American War, and the 1846 war with Mexico... Will also does what up until now only Democrats and left-leaning pundits have done: openly draws parallels between Iraq and Vietnam.
[The US position in Iraq may be] Untenable even before what may be coming before November: an Iraqi version of the North Vietnamese Tet offensive of 1968. To say that the coming offensive will be by "Baathists" is, according to one administration official, akin to saying "Nazis" when you mean "the SS" -- the most fearsome of the Nazis. Such an offensive could make Sadr's insurgency seem a minor irritant. And it could unmake a presidency, as Tet did.
Now, is Will openly equating Vietnam and Iraq? Not hardly. But the fact that one of the leading conservative columnists and pundits in the country is even raising the comparison in print is incredibly significant. It shows that even conservatives and Republicans have begun to lose patience with the bumblings of the neocon cabal.
Posted by Christopher at 10:39 PM | Comments (0)August 17, 2004
50 BEST MOVIES LINES OF ALL TIME: #40-#36
Okay, I admit it... I wanted to lie and put "What we have here is... failure to communicate" on this list. But I haven't seen Cool Hand Luke. So props go out to a great line that would be on this list if I'd seen the movie. On to the countdown...
40. "Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country." -- General George Patton (George C. Scott), PATTON (1970)
The ultimate soldier's movie, Patton contains the iconic imagery of George C. Scott standing in front of the giant American flag and rallying his troops. And this line sums up, for me anyway, the roll-up-our-sleeves, no-nonsense attitude of the man, the character and the film. In one line, Scott as Patton neatly removes the glory from war and reduces it to simple strategy -- which was and remains the key to victory in war. Stripped of pretense and hyperbole, war is about survival; remove the idealism, and it's really just a question of being smarter than the other guy. I don't know if the real Patton said it, but if he did it was a brilliant leadership line.
39. "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me." Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman), THE GRADUATE (1967)
Okay, so it's one that everybody cites. Fine. But cliches become cliches for a reason. And while "Plastics" probably sums up the spirit of The Graduate a little better than this one... the scene between Hoffman and Bancroft is an iconic one in cinema history. This scene made the movie, and launched Dustin Hoffman onto the A-list. An all-time classic line that can't be missing from any list such as this one.
38. "Okay... sick as a dog. Gonna vomit." -- Dr. Evil (Mike Myers), AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME (1999)
Which Austin Powers line makes the cut? Like several other movies represented on this list, there are so many great lines in them that selecting one turns out to be a labor of love, as you try and think of the one line that either summed up the movie for you or simply made you laugh the hardest.
In this case, I had to go with Dr. Evil battling his mechanical chair, spinning maniacally while calling for a young priest and an old priest... then finally stopping, doubling over, slowly slurring out his intentions and spitting on the floor. In a movie -- and a series -- full of lines that crack me up to no end, this scene and this line are the surest bets to keep making me laugh even when I'm seeing the film for the 200th time.
37. "I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig. Weeeeeeee!" -- Mountain Man (Bill McKinney), DELIVERANCE (1972)
Disagree with me? Think I'm sick? Okay, then name me another line from another film that so quickly and clearly evokes a feeling and a specific image. Go on, I'm waiting. Give me another line that so instantly takes anyone who's ever seen it directly into the air and atmosphere of the scene.
Anyone who's ever seen Deliverance -- and even most people who haven't -- know exactly the scene this line calls to mind... and the line instantly draws shudders and nervous giggles every time someone says it aloud. What do you call it when even people who haven't seen the movie can get the exact image and feeling of a scene, just from hearing one line repeated? Great writing.
36. "So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" -- Howard Beale (Peter Finch), NETWORK (1976)
My, my, my... how prescient and on target Network now is! But back in 1976, the idea of a network merging its news department with its entertainment division in order to turn a greater profit and boost ratings seemed more satirical than realistic. The idea of putting a man on the air as he goes insane seemed to be a statement, not an observation.
In the film, Finch plays a network TV anchor who learns he's about to be fired. Fuming, he declares that he'll commit suicide on live national television on his last broadcast. Allowed one last chance on the air to apologize, he goes on a further rant about the nature of the media "business." Rather than take him off the air, execs give him his own show to rant about how bad the network is -- and ratings skyrocket. (View a trailer here.)
28 years later, this "message film" about the dangers of the ratings=seeking media seems more a warning of things to come than a satire; more a sadly accurate tragedy than black comedy. Maybe we all need to go to our windows, open them, stick our heads out and yell, "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"
Posted by Christopher at 11:15 PM | Comments (0)BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY EXPONENTIALLY, APPARENTLY
A new world population study suggests that by 2050, there will be 9 billion human beings on this planet. For perspective, there were only 2.5 billion in 1950, 3.558 billion in 1968 (the year I added to the total), and 6.377 billion today, according to the US Census Bureau.
The report says the world population should rise 45 percent to nearly 9.3 billion by mid-century, on par with similar projections from the United Nations and the U.S. Census Bureau.
While the population of developed countries would rise 4 percent to over 1.2 billion, the population in developing nations would surge by 55 percent to over 8 billion. Countries in Africa and south Asia would see the largest increases.
You know, I may be a morbid bastard, and my curmudgeonly self doesn't really like people all that much, so I may be biased. But I have to think we're heading for a dangerous crash here.
In the first 10,000 years of human existence, we homo sapiens went from zero to 2.5 billion. In the last 50 years, we've gone from 2.5 billion to 6.377 billion, and will be up to 9 billion before the next 50 are up. That means we have added more people in the last 50 years than in the 10,000 that came before it.
Most of those people are crowded into areas and in conditions that make sanitation and health care difficult... disease and famine are just waiting to happen. I have to think that we're on the edge of a crisis of virtually Biblical proportions - an epidemic of pestilence that will make the black death plague of the Middle Ages look like child's play, and famine (and the resulting wars over resources) that will make Ethiopia of the 1980s look like a schmorgasboard. I don't think the Earth was built to sustain such an overwhelming number -- and if it was, it certainly isn't meant to absorb this much growth this fast.
Would it be that hard to start improving birth control and teaching restraint? All I can say is this: if we don't limit our population by ourselves, nature will do it for us.
Posted by Christopher at 10:33 PM | Comments (0)MORE PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS VERY, VERY UNFAIR
The news was released today that actress Diane Lane, 39, has married actor Josh Brolin, 36.
So the woman who starred in the hottest sex scene in the history of mainstream film is sleeping with a Goonie.
Yeah, life's real fair, ain't it?
August 16, 2004
THE BEST MOVIE LINES EVER: #45-#41
I feel like I need to clarify... first of all, I'm gonna miss some. I spent about four days thinking about great lines and looking them up on the Internet Movie Database to make sure I got them right, and I've written out my top 50 already... but I can guarantee you I'm gonna miss some, even from movies I've seen. That's one of the cool things about having a comment feature. Keep throwing them out there - I'll do a post at the end that lists all the ones everyone's suggested.
Second... I can guarantee you that there's not a single person who's going to agree with my whole list. Maybe you'll agree with 20, 30, or even 40... but not all 50. That's fine. Like I said in one of the comments, that's why these lists are so fun - because no matter who makes the list, the listmaker is always wrong. Debate away, kids.
45. "Gort! Klaatu barada nikto!" -- Helen Benson (Patricia Neal), THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951)
One of the best of the hero-as-Christ-figure archetypes in film history is "Carpenter," the mistrusted and pursued main character in The Day The Earth Stood Still - a film rife with Cold War symbolism. Really an alien named Klaatu, he's been sent to earth by "the people of the United Planets" with a warning for humanity: quit with the war crap, or we'll come kick your ass with this big old robot. (This seemingly contradictory message is often conveniently overlooked by the casual reviewer.)
After Klaatu is killed by those durn earth folk while trying to reach leaders peacefully, his one Earth friend Helen goes to the big robot Gort and issues him a three word command Klaatu had taught her. Gort promptly revives Klaatu from the dead (remember I said he was a Christ-figure?), allowing Klaatu to reveal his true identity to Earth people and issue them his "We will bury you" warning. Because it's a strange line from a Cold War time capsule, "Klaatu barada nikto" makes my list.
44. "Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?" -- Economics teacher (Ben Stein), FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF (1986)
Three little words. Actually, one little word repeated three times. But those three words were the most memorable and repeated line of one of the classic movies of the 80. More importantly, in those three words former Nixon speechwriter Ben Stein got 18 more years of a career in commercials, game shows, and pop culture. And any line that springs a speechwriter to a big career in Hollywood is a great line.
43. "Dude! That was my skull! I'm so wasted!" -- Jeff Spacoli (Sean Penn), FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982)
Yeah, the stoner surfer dude is now a film cliche. But guess who made it one? Without Spacoli, Keanu Reeves has no career. Without Spacoli, Silent Bob has no Jay. Without Spacoli, "Fast Times" is a good movie but not a funny movie. And the visual of bottle-blonded Penn smacking his head with a canvas gym shoe - and smiling about it - is one of the funniest you'll see in a movie.
42. "You MANIACS! You blew it up! Damn you! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!" -- George Taylor (Charlton Heston), PLANET OF THE APES (1968)
This one makes the list sheerly for the cheesiness factor alone; well, maybe it's also here as the most overacted line in the top 50. But if a movie line becomes "great" because it's memorable, or because people quote it or spoof it even 35 years after the movie came out... well, how can I keep Heston's anguished bellow off this list?
41. "God has a hard on for Marines, because we kill everything we see. He plays His games, we play ours. To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls. God was here before the Marine Corps, so you can give your heart to Jesus... but your ass belongs to the corps." -- Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (R. Lee Ermey), FULL METAL JACKET (1987)
I have a soft spot for this movie, because I've never seen a more realistic depiction of basic military training. (Trust me.) And R. Lee Ermey, like Sean Penn earlier, gave a performance that defined a character type for the rest of film history. Think about it: any movie that has a drill sergeant, won't you be comparing that actor to R. Lee Ermey yelling at Private Pyle?
There are a dozen great lines in Ermey's performance, and I could have picked at least two others and done almost as well. But in the end, I had to go with this one; it perfectly captures Gunny's attitude, the sense of belonging to a fraternity that the Marines try to convey to their recruits, and the way Sgt. Hartman tried to reconcile the whole 'God, unit, Corps, country' thing, involving God in the Marines' mission.
Once the action shifts from basic to Vietnam, the movie loses steam, so on the whole it's only average. But great line, and great performance.
Posted by Christopher at 10:48 PM | Comments (0)THE RICH GET RICHER...
This one's less a political post than some of you might think... because it covers a trend that has built over the last 20 years, so we're talking about Republican and Democratic presidents, and Democratic and Republican Congresses. So it's not a shot at any one president, any one party, or anything like that. It's just an article based on Census Bureau statistics that caught my eye.
The gap between the richest Americans and the poorest Americans has widened considerably over the last 20 years.
The wealthiest 20 percent of households in 1973 accounted for 44 percent of total U.S. income, according to the Census Bureau. Their share jumped to 50 percent in 2002, while everyone else’s fell. For the bottom fifth, the share dropped from 4.2 percent to 3.5 percent.
I'm not trying to play the class war card; I think the truth is that I fit somewhere in the second fifth, between 20-40% of households. So I'm not venting as one left behind in this trend. I'm just noting it.
More than a million jobs have been added back to the 2.6 million lost since Bush took office, but they pay less and offer fewer benefits, such as health insurance. The new jobs are concentrated in health care, food services, and temporary employment firms, all lower-paying industries. Temp agencies alone account for about a fifth of all new jobs.
Three in five pay below the national median hourly wage — $13.53, said Sung Won Sohn, chief economist for Wells Fargo. On a weekly basis, the average wage of $525.84 is at the lowest level since October 2001.
The income gap is showing up in booming sales of luxury items. Porsche Cars North America Inc. says sales are up 17 percent for the year. Strong sales at Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom and Saks Fifth Avenue overshadow lackluster sales at stores such as Wal-Mart, Sears and Payless Shoes.
Real estate agent Lance Anderson, 38, of Overland Park, Kan., expects a record sales year, as homeowners upgrade to more expensive homes and commercial clients expand. He recently took his family to Disney World for a two-week Florida vacation. “My clientele, it seems as a whole, has seen positive growth,” he said. So his family, including three children, now eat out more often and spend more on clothes. They recently bought two new cars and anticipate buying a larger house in the next few years.
Undeniably, there are some people who are doing very well now, and who have benefitted over the last 20 years, or even the last five. I'm close to being one of them. But even so, I am bothered by the increasing disparity. Look at the table that accompanied the article (figures by the Census Bureau from 1967-2002)... the top 20% have nearly doubled their average income in the last 35 years; the poorest 20% have only seen their average income go from $7,419 in 1967 to $9,990 in 2002. (The fact that 1/5 of our fellow Americans are having to try and get by on $9990 a year utterly shocks me. I can't even imagine that.)
What do we do about it? I don't know - yet. (If I did, I'd be running for office myself.) All I know is that in a nation as rich as ours, with a system as rewarding as ours, with as many resources as we have... the fact that 20% of people are being left behind and that they're still trying to make ends meet on $9990 a year disturbs and saddens me.
Posted by Christopher at 10:09 PM | Comments (0)ELECTORAL PROJECTIONS
Because I'm not just a partisan, I'm also a political junkie... I've taken the liberty of linking to two separate electoral projection sites - and in the interest of fairness, I tried to find one whose authors are writing from the left, and the other whose author seems to be on the right. (How can I tell? Well, I think the essay "21 Reasons Why Bush Will Win" on the front page along with the electoral map might be a slight clue.)
Some of you may have difficulty believing this, but once election night (or even election assessments) comes, I pretty much turn off the partisan and go into pundit mode. It comes from starting my career in campaigns. You get paid for two things: spinning and messaging in public, and unbiased, accurate assessments in private. If you're spinning the expected results instead of telling the candidate the way things really are, you get a reputation as a cheerleader, and you stop getting calls before each campaign season.
So when it comes to calling or predicting the election results, I'm trying to look at every source, every projection, every poll I can. Objectivity matters. It's too early to make any kind of definitive anything, obviously. I'm just presenting you with resources for now. They're linked up in my "Escapades and Tirades" section.
The seemingly left-leaning site is the "Current Electoral Vote Predictor," which you can find here. As of August 16, they're projecting that Kerry has 327 electoral votes, and Bush 211.
The seemingly right-leaning site is "Election Projection," which you can find here. As of August 16, they are also projecting Kerry with 327, and Bush 211.
Read nothing into this about November's results. There are still 11 weeks to go, far too much is up in the air, and anything can happen or change. All we have here are some current projections. In the meantime, I'll make some projections/predictions of my own on Monday night, November 1.
Posted by Christopher at 09:19 PM | Comments (0)August 15, 2004
NEW 'MUDGE FEATURE: THE 50 BEST MOVIE LINES OF ALL TIME
Stephen King writes a column for Entertainment Weekly, and he apparently recently polled his readers as to what they thought the best movie lines in history were. Unfortunately, fans of the film "The Princess Bride" stacked this ballot like Yankee fans stack all-star ballots... and the top four responses in the poll came from that film. So the editors of EW came up with their own list... and I of course didn't dig on their list either. So I decided to do my own list.
For the next couple of weeks, I will be counting down The Chronic Curmudgeon's 50 Best Movie Lines of All Time, 5 per day, from 50 down to 1. Let me explain my somewhat inconsistent and nebulous criteria.
First of all, I have to have seen the film. That's going to eliminate just about every western ever made - I hate westerns, so I don't watch them. But anyway, if it's a line from something I haven't seen, it won't be here. Some of these lines will be all-time cinematic classics. Some of them will be overshadowed lines from famous films... movies that have other more famous lines, but I like a less known line for whatever reason. (For example, my line from The Godfather is not "offer he can't refuse.") Others will be lines that aren't necessarily considered classics by film folks... I just dig them. Sometimes they'll be a line that for me, set the mood of a film more than their more famous counterparts. Sometimes, they'll be lines that just cracked me up. And sometimes I will include lines from movies I didn't even like, but I have to acknowledge their impact.
I'm not Pete over at A Perfectly Cromulent Blog - I don't review films on the side. I am not a film history student - although I did know a bunch of film students while at Boston University. I'm not even really a film buff... I see maybe 2 movies a year in the theater. I'm just a schmuck with a blog who gets to force my opinions on his readers. One last thing... where the line contains swearing, I'm not censoring it. Apologies for the language, but where the words are part of the line, I think it's important to the movie, so censoring would be taking away from it. So with that... a-waaaaaaaaaay we go!
50. "Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers!" -- Shrek (Mike Myers), SHREK (2001)
Picking a line from Shrek is not easy. The whole movie was just really, really fun. And I almost put the little "Welcome to Duloc" song in here -- you know, the one about wiping your... face? But in the end I had to pick the first time that the big ogre Shrek hints to the world that he might not be such a mean dude deep down inside after all. In the "crusty hero with the heart of gold" archetype, it's a necessary thing to establish relatively early on that your hero has a softer side - if he's crusty for too long, he loses sympathy. But comparing your hero to an onion might be the most creative way I've ever heard to do it.
49. "Over? Did you say, 'over?' Nothing is over until WE decide it is! Was over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!" -- Bluto (John Belushi), ANIMAL HOUSE (1978)
Let me just get this out of the way: I never liked John Belushi; I didn't think he was funny then, and I don't find him funny when I look at his stuff now, as an adult. I see Belushi, and I think "unfunny, out of control cokehead." But even I have to admit, his rallying cry from the otherwise unfunny "Animal House" was a pretty classic line. But since I didn't crack a smile at any point during the rest of that movie, I can't rank it any higher than 49.
48. "I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it." --Terry Malloy (Marlon Brando) ON THE WATERFRONT (1954)
This is the most famous line from one of the greatest acting performances of all time. Brando was one of the greats and gave us a litany of great performances, but if you want to see him at his absolute best, On the Waterfront is the DVD for you. Terry Malloy's battle with his conscience and with corruption is a great story, and Brando makes you feel every moment of it. I hate to cite the line everyone cites, but some lines are repeatedly cited for a reason. Great acting from a great actor.
47. "Someday - and that day may never come - I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as gift on my daughter's wedding day." Don Vito Corleone, (Marlon Brando) THE GODFATHER (1972)
I know everyone always cites the "offer he can't refuse" line. But this line, for me, summed up the whole atmosphere of The Godfather better than any other. Once you're in, you're in for good - and they'll never forget it. The sense of "oh hell, what did I get myself into?" that gets conveyed with this line is palpable.
46. "Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mister Cowboy?" "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker." John McClane (Bruce Willis), responding to Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), DIE HARD (1988)
I'm not a huge fan of testosterone-laden action movies in which the point seems to be to simply shoot as many bad guys as possible. But every once in a while, they can be fun. And I can't think of a single line from any action movie ever that has ever done a better job of summing up the genre. It has the added benefit of being wryly self-depricating, too; the villian has just belittled Americans as pop culture-addled cowboy wannabes... so what more natural spit-in-the-face response could there be than a TV show cowboy's call? Add in the testosterone-laced supposition about ol' Hans' sexual activities at home, and it's a line guaranteed to pump adrenaline into even most pacifists.
Coming next... #45-41
Posted by Christopher at 01:13 PM | Comments (1)HIT BOOSTERS
So I've noticed an amazing weekend spike in my hit numbers over the last couple of days. Usually, the weekend means about a 50% drop in my hit numbers... but this weekend they're up by about 50%. I couldn't figure out why... so I checked SiteMeter to figure out where everyone was coming from, and what they were looking for.
Apparently, quite a number of people think Dina McGreevey is kind of hot. They must - I've had about 20 people show up looking for pictures of her. I wonder if Dina McGreevey thought those reporters were boobs? I wonder if Dina McGreevey felt naked while standing next to her husband as he came out?
(Yeah, I'm a shameless hit whore, and I'll stop at nothing.)
But even more beneficial to my hit count was the fact that I posted on the September issue of Playboy -- you know, the one in which Amy Acuff, Ineta Radevica, Zhanna Block, Mary Sauer, Haley Cope, Susan Tiedtke-Green, Fanni Juhasz, and Katie Vermeulen posed nude or semi-nude? In Playboy? Naked Olympic women athletes? Remember that post? About naked Olympic women in Playboy? Like Amy Acuff? Haley Cope? Or especially Ineta Radevica nude? (I got more hits from the Central European time zone in the last 24 hours than I have had in the history of this blog combined.)
Yeah, I should probably be ashamed of myself. But so should people looking for Dina McGreevey naked.
Posted by Christopher at 12:57 PM | Comments (0)STILL THINK HE'S ON YOUR SIDE?
The Congressional Budget Office -- a non-partisan organization currently run by a former senior economist from the Bush White House, that serves the US Congress, which is currently run by Republicans, by the way -- analyzed the impact and effect of the Bush tax cuts on Americans of different income levels. Guess what they found?
The CBO study, due to be released today, found that the wealthiest 20 percent, whose incomes averaged $182,700 in 2001, saw their share of federal taxes drop from 64.4 percent of total tax payments in 2001 to 63.5 percent this year. The top 1 percent, earning $1.1 million, saw their share fall to 20.1 percent of the total, from 22.2 percent.
Over that same period, taxpayers with incomes from around $51,500 to around $75,600 saw their share of federal tax payments increase. Households earning around $75,600 saw their tax burden jump the most, from 18.7 percent of all taxes to 19.5 percent.
Surprise, surprise. NOT. Millionaires saw their taxes drop more than two percent under George W. Bush, while people with middle-class incomes saw their taxes increase nearly a whole percent.
Let me re-state the key points of this news: One, this study was conducted by a non-partisan organization that is run by a former Bush senior economic advisor... and the Congress is currently run by Republicans. And, this study showed that George W. Bush has lowered taxes for millionaires and the wealthiest 20% of Americans... if your income is over $182,700, this guy's done right by you. However, if you're middle class, George W. Bush has raised your tax burden - in part to offset the cuts the millionaires saw.
You know, there's always talk about how Republicans appeal to "the angry white male" and how many middle class white males in the South, Midwest and West vote Republican. Wonder if these guys realize just who Republicans really represent?
That's what kills me - those angry white males should be Democratic votes... economic policies that benefit millionaires and people making more than $182,700 aren't really "average guy" kind of things... you want to talk about a party that represents the "elite?"
How Bush apologists can defend this, I have no idea.
Posted by Christopher at 12:40 PM | Comments (0)THE JUSTICE? DEPARTMENT
The Attorney General of the United States had admitted publicly that the United States has been detaining an individual for the last two years because he, John Ashcroft, doesn't like people who come from the prisoner's country. How this man is allowed to remain in public office - not to mention how he was ever appointed in the first place - is beyond imagination.
Here's the circumstance: a 20 year old Haitian, David Joseph, has been in detention since October 2002 at the Krome Federal Detention Center near Miami. There is documentation that he was fleeing persecution in his homeland - his family was attacked during the unrest in Haiti, and he still doesn't know whether his parents are still alive. He and his brother took a boat to the US, where they requested asylum; they wanted to go live with an uncle in Brooklyn.
But before asylum could be granted, John Ashcroft personally intervened to prevent it. Why? Does David Joseph pose a threat to the United States? No - even Ashcroft acknowledges that fact. But Ashcroft is using his "Patriot Act" to keep this kid behind bars because... well, here's the reason:
According to the attorney general, releasing this young Haitian would tend to encourage mass migration from Haiti, and might exacerbate the potential danger to national security of nefarious aliens from Pakistan and elsewhere who might be inclined to use Haiti as a staging area for migration to the U.S.
You've got to be kidding, right? Sadly for David Joseph, Ashcroft is dead serious.
This isn't even an issue of party; Republican Senator Arlen Specter learned of the case and questioned Ashcroft in Senate Committee over what possible justification he might have for continuing this man's detention.
"On April 17 of last year," said Mr. Specter, "an issue came before you where there was a young Haitian refugee where there had not been any showing of a problem with respect to terrorism. And you overruled both the immigration judge and the Board of Immigration Appeals. And then the inspector general of the Department of Justice criticized the department for the failure to distinguish between immigration detainees who are connected to terrorism and those who don't have any reason for detention."
Ashcroft's response goes down with "It became necessary to destroy the village in order to save it," and "I don't see why we need to stand by and watch a country go communist due to the irresponsibility of its people" as the stupidest, most arrogant things ever said by an American official.
Mr. Ashcroft was unmoved. He told Senator Specter: "Sometimes individual treatment is important. Sometimes it's important to make a statement about groups of people that come."
Oh, you've made a statement, Mr. Ashcroft, you un-American wannabe dictator. If I could turn back time, I would be sure that someone just like you was Attorney General when your family was trying to emigrate to the United States. One can only hope that Mr. Ashcroft's future includes some indefinite detention.
Read more about this shameful case here.
Posted by Christopher at 12:03 PM | Comments (0)REPUBLICAN DECENCY
So we've all talked ad nauseum about the right wing chill campaign on our airwaves; i.e., Howard Stern or Bubba the Love Sponge are not allowed to say on the air what Dick Cheney says on the Senate floor.
Just wanted to point out another Republican who, by the FCC and ClearChannel standards, should not be allowed on the airwaves again. This time, the story comes out of Rapid City, South Dakota.
Seems that Republican John Thune's campaign manager, Dick Wadhams, has taken to berating Senator Tom Daschle's twentysomething campaign staff, using language that would get Howard Stern a $450,000 fine.
A fuss over debates, ongoing for weeks, got ratcheted up when Thune campaign manager Dick Wadhams approached a Daschle staffer who was videotaping Thune's remarks and said: "Your boss is a chickens**t. You know that, right?"
The exchange, detailed in a news release from the Daschle campaign, took place at a forum in Sioux Falls hosted by Associated School Boards of South Dakota and the School Administrators of South Dakota.
"Later, Wadhams approached Jeremy again and said, 'So, let me get this straight. Your boss is too chickens**t to show up, so they sent you here? How do you feel about that?'" reads the release. The videotaping Daschle staffer is 25-year-old Jeremy Funk.
Thune will not apologize, Wadhams said. Instead, Daschle should apologize for ducking debates, he said.
First of all, having both grown up out in the midwest there and having practiced politics out there, I can tell you that it's not a good idea for an out of state politico to blow into town and start cussing up a storm. It may be barely worth a raised eyebrow on the coasts, but folks legitimately don't swear in polite conversation out there, and language like this -- from a non-South Dakotan -- isn't going to play well. Can't hold Thune responsible for the comment, but the smart thing to do would be to publicly reprimand Wadhams.
But moreover, this exchange is just deomnstrative of Republican campaign and conduct patterns. They whine about civility in the public debate and complain that shots about Bush's intelligence or Cheney's integrity go beyond the pale of decency... but they have no problem verbally berating and cussing out their opponents (or opponents' staff). They try and chill radio chains out of carrying certain programming and have turned the FCC into little more than a right wing policy arm... but use those same words and same tone repeatedly against anyone who dares criticize or disagree with them -- and then indignantly refuse to apologize. (These are the same people, by the way, who howled like werewolves when Theresa Heinz Kerry told a reporter simply to "shove it." No swear words there, but I guess all they're really worried about it who says something, not what is said.)
Memo to Republican powers-that-be: I'm a lot more offended by your tone and language than I was at Janet Jackson's boob. And I suspect that there's a whole lot more folks like me out there than you realize. Next time Republicans want to talk about setting examples and having values, they can just spare me.
Posted by Christopher at 11:42 AM | Comments (0)HURRICANE DISAPPOINTMENT
So what was left of Charley blew through the New York area overnight. It wasn't even serious enough to wake me up.
Why on earth would I be disappointed about this, you ask? Well, for one I am certifiably disturbed, and have the prescriptions to prove it. But more seriously, I am a severe weather junkie. I grew up in the midwest, where tornado warnings happen about once every two weeks and it hasn't really been a summer week unless there's been one really severe thunderstorm or squall line that's barrelled through the area. And instead of being afraid of them, I am fascinated by storms.
One of the coolest experiences I ever had was seeing a tornado up close and personal. It's a semi-well known tornado, actually... on July 18, 1986, a tornado hit the far north Minneapolis suburbs right as rush hour began; a local news station had its traffic helicopter airborne, the pilot and cameraman saw the funnel cloud forming, and zoomed in to circle the tornado as it descended into the prairie below.
As it happened, there was a minor shopping mall (maybe 55 stores) just across the state highway from where the tornado touched down. That mall is where I got my first job (in a Spencer Gifts, of all places... the very first thing I ever did to earn a paycheck was to unpack a box of vibrators - labeled "massagers," of course), was one of the places I hung out as a ne'er-do-well teenager, and happened to be the destination that afternoon for my best friend Jeff and I.
As we left his truck and walked to the doors of the mall, a woman came outside... facing us and looking behind us, she said, "Is that a funnel cloud?" We turned... and there was this amazing tornado slowly dropping down from the sky. I suppose the smart thing to do was to do as she did, turning back into the mall and going for the shelter areas. But Jeff and I were 17 and 18 respectively, and we were indestructable... the idea that we might get hurt while standing in the parking lot was totally lost on us.
(I found footage of our famous tornado on the Web here; the state highway is clearly visible -- for the record it was Minnesota highway 47/US highway 10 -- and the high voltage power lines that delivered power to the mall and the surrounding area can also be seen... I can't quite make out the mall or parking lot, but trust me, the mall was maybe 200 yards from where this tornado was.)
So Jeff and I stood in the Northtown Mall parking lot watching this F2 tornado... watching trees lift into the air, seeing and hearing the explosion as a transformer and some power lines popped and exploded in the vortex... thinking it was the coolest thing we'd ever seen. A mall security guy did come out after a period of time (it felt like 5 minutes and I still remember it that way, but I am sure that in reality it was closer to 90 seconds or so) and made us go inside with him. But that was still one of the coolest things I have ever seen.
So I've done the tornado thing. There are two natural occurances left on my wish list of experiences: a hurricane and an earthquake. I don't ever want to wish a serious one on anybody, of course... but if I happen to be in California during a 5.0, I'm not gonna argue with fate. And while I have come close to some hurricanes in the past - missed Floyd by a day in 1999 when I was travelling for work when its remnants passed through New York, and was in DC when what was left of Tropical Storm Fran blew through in 1996 - I have not yet seen my hurricane.
I thought Charley might provide that chance... but all it did here was give us an inch of rain. As of 11:00 am on Sunday, it's already stopped raining, and the sun looks to be trying to peek through.
But my own bizarre weather fetish shouldn't and doesn't distract from the fact that this was a brutal storm. My heart goes out to the Florida victims of Charley. I've donated to the Red Cross Disaster Relief Fund and the Humane Society's disaster relief fund (yeah, I'm still a softie for animals, and they got hit too!), and I'd encourage you to do the same.
Posted by Christopher at 10:38 AM | Comments (0)UNFORTUNATE DECISIONS
For the record, I was raised Catholic. Somewhere about 16 years ago, I lost faith in the Church as an entity or organization, I dropped out of going on Sunday morning, and for about the last dozen years I haven't even been a twice-a-year Catholic. At this stage I am sort of an agnostic, which would make me a fallen Catholic I guess - something I share with the Doc. Ordinarily, though, I lack his vitriol about the Church. That is, unless things happen that remind me of why I lost faith in the earthly Church to begin with.
I'm telling you all of this because there have been two stories recently that have a) reminded me of why I left; and b) angered me to SpinDoc levels of bile. And I guess I sort of feel like having been raised in the Church allows me to criticize them a little more virulently. (Maybe not, but my point is that this isn't some ignorant, bigoted anti-Catholicism rant - it's from a former family member.)
First of all, this story out of Austria lit my fuse. Seems that a seminary has become embroiled in a child pornography scandal. The pope sent a bishop to the seminary as an emissary to check out the situation, and that bishop has recommended that the seminary be closed down.
But in his reasoning for the closing, the bishop doesn't cite the kiddie porn. Actually, his reason was that he discovered t