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August 30, 2004
RANDOM THOUGHTS UPON RETURNING FROM VACATION
1) It's wonderful to log back on to our fantasy baseball league site after a few days away and to see that your Vice City Vultures have not only remained in first place, but have actually strengthened and have increased their lead to 19.5 points,now sitting at an incredible 135.0 points. There are now only 34 days left in the season - basically one month - and while anything can still happen, the Flying Harbingers of Death do appear to be headed for a first-ever pennant.
2) I logged back on to check my personal e-mail this morning (the work e-mail will wait until tomorrow morning, I am going to milk every last moment of this vacation)... mostly no notes from friends, since everyone knew I was away. But I had about 95 junk e-mails in my inbox... at least two thirds of which were offers to enlarge a specific part of my anatomy.
I was struck by a few things as I reviewed e-mails with titles like "Make Her Squeal," "She Will Remember You," and "Be The Man She Always Wanted You To Be."
-- One, I made a mental note to call every ex-girlfriend to find out which one of them sold me out. (Remember, ladies and gentlemen, insincere self-deprication is the key to life.)
-- Two, I noticed several other spams offering me the opportunity to enlarge my breasts. I guess the hermaphrodite adult entertainment market must be short a few performers or something, that I am getting this amazing opportunity to grow all my appendages at once. (Besides, as anyone who has seen me with my shirt off can attest, I am growing my man-boobs quite healthily all on my own, with no help needed from science.)
-- Three, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of a guy actually orders something from these spam e-mails. I mean, yeah, the male ego is a fragile thing, and is too often all wrapped up in just one validation... but nonetheless, the guys who would buy this stuff from an e-mail spam are men who contain a dangerous chemical combination of three horrific elements: first, they seem to have the unfortunate notion that their penis is the sole arbiter of good sex. Second, these guys are so inscure about their body that they will trust junk science to do what nature and Austin Powers-style Swedish pumps could not. And third, they would appear to believe that they can acquire this miracle science not through their physician or at a medical facility, but rather through a mass e-mailing from "Dr. Hugh G. Johnson" promising that the woman in their lives will no longer have to tell "The Lie Your Woman Doesn't Want You To Know About." Something tells me these guys might also shell out money for that "Rare Star Trek Outtakes" DVD or "The Compleat Dungeons and Dragons Handbook for DungeonMasters."
-- If I had any guts or sense of adventure at all, I would (in the name of science and entertainment) order one of these things and write about the entire experience. (Kind of like The Sneeze's recurring "Steve, Don't Eat It" feature. Maybe I could call it, "Chris, Don't Grow It.") However, I'm extremely leery of getting my name or credit card number on any of their lists, and besides, this is a family blog. (Okay, not really... but as funny as I think a running series on this concept might be, my mom and some co-workers occasionally read this blog, so it's a really funny concept that will be left to someone else to write.)
3) Is there a quicker way to induce muscle knots and tension headaches than The Last Day Of Vacation? I just had the nine most relaxing and refreshing days I have had all year... and yet this morning my old friends the Tight Neck and Sore Back have returned.
4) Have said this many, many times before and come up short... but once again, after having stepped on a gas station scale this weekend and seen 259.7 lbs read out in LED horror, I am on a "I Gotta Lose Some Weight" kick. Don't let me slack off again or use something as wimpy as a torn groin as an excuse... maybe next year at the beach I will actually take off my shirt.
5) Speaking of that... even after two washes, the shirt I wore in the ocean Saturday still smells like the ocean. I think I'm going to just keep it that way instead of washing it again.
Thus endeth my random post-vacation thoughts... I have a four and a half hour drive back up to New York now, but I'll be back on tonight to share some weekend stories with you - it was a good one. And I promise, I will bring the movie lines off of hiatus tonight as well... stay tuned for lines #20-#16. Thanks for hanging with me and with this site while I was away, kids. It's much appreciated.
