« MORE IMPACTFUL THAN EVEN MARBURY VS. MADISON | Main | QUICK SHOUT-OUT »
September 21, 2004
AND THEN THERE WERE EIGHT
Every one of us has the famous "Top Ten List" in their mind - the ten sexiest, hottest famous people who we'd give a month off of our lives to have two hours with... (oh, who am I kidding... two minutes then, fine!) the Ten Most Wanted, if you will.
These lists aren't always consistent -- on any given Sunday, there could be as many as four or five of the spots on the list being in flux, with old wantees dropping off and new objects of affection popping up. There are the exceptions - the famous people who just do it for you so intensely that they receive an etched position on the list. (In my case, Ashley Judd has remained pretty much a constant for about six years running, so I think she may soon qualify for Hall of Fame status.)
But my list has very suddenly gotten shorter lately. One of my perennials (Britney Spears) has dropped off the list because of her descent into trailordom over the last year. Why do I get the feeling that her divorce papers will be on The Smoking Gun within 18 months? And if she gets anymore Springeresque in her life choices, she's going to be taking a blood test in about a year to determine "Who My Baby Daddy?"
So Brit... babe... it's been a great four year run... ever since the day you stopped being jailbait, you've been right up there. But this whole little drama with Kevin Punchline -- oops, I mean Federline -- is just too much, honey. See ya - don't let the door hit you in the ass (mandatory moment of silence at the mention of Britney's ass) on the way out.
And the other one... Paris Hilton sometimes has crept up on the bottom rungs of my list -- usually depending on whether I've seen that DVD within the last week or so. But after reading excerpts from her "memoirs" (what kind of memoirs can you write at 22? What are her chapter titles - "That Time At Nicole's Party?" "The Shoes of Navarone?"), I have become convinced that this spoiled and airheaded little diva is hereby granted a permanent hall pass to be off of my list. For example,
Despite what you've read, being a famous heiress is not that easy. It is, of course, fun and exciting, and it comes in handy for air travel. But look around you, and in the gossip columns: Not every heiress is famous. Or fun. There are a lot of boring heiresses out there. What a waste, I say!
Or this gem:
By being brave -- and channeling my "inner heiress" -- I created a new opportunity for young heiresses.
Or how about this piece of life wisdom:
That is what being an heiress means to me: being in charge. After all, if you have money and certain advantages, no one should be in charge of your life but you.
Dear God: if You are so inclined to prove Your existence to me, here's a suggestion: an surgically targeted F5 tornado with 350 mph winds that hits only Paris Hilton's bedroom. (I saw the DVD... you wouldn't be harming much. You couldn't find cold fish like that even in the Arctic Ocean!) Please... I'm begging You. Either that, or suddenly have every Hilton hotel around the world fold up into a fiery ball and eat themselves like that house at the end of Poltergeist... forcing this idiotic little princess to actually see what the real world is like (when those stupid-ass Simple Life camera crews aren't there). I promise that if you do this, I will never again put a woman on my Top Ten List until after she turns 21.
"After all, if you have money and certain advantages, no one should be in charge of your life but you." Freaking all-time classic. Here's hoping that Paris Hilton is the Kato Kaelin of the 2000s.
