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September 25, 2004
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SHOULD HAPPEN TO TERRY FRANCONA
In case you missed it, the Red Sox relived history again last night. In Game 7 of last year's ALCS, Red Sox manager Grady Gump -- I mean, Grady Little -- left Pedro Martinez in the game too long against the Yankees, letting him pitch into the eighth inning. Pedro got rocked, and the Sox lost the game, the series, and the chance to play in the World Series. Grady Little lost his job over the incident.
So last night, in a critical game against the Yankees, what does new manager Terry Francona do? Leaves Pedro in the game to pitch into the eighth. Same stupid action. Same @^$(#!@ result. And what was this moron's justification for his stupidity?
Why start the eighth with Martinez? "In my opinion, he still had good stuff," the manager said. Matsui's home run, on a fastball Martinez left over the middle of the plate, was a compelling reason for Francona to reconsider that decision. That's not how he saw it.
"If I run out there after two pitches, you understand what I'm saying, it would make it look like I wasn't making a very good decision before the inning," Francona said.
WHAT??????????????
What the @!%#@!#ing hell? You screwed over the team and planted a psychological seed in their heads that we can't beat the Yankees... BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE YOU'D MADE A BAD DECISION?????
Oh, Francona, you arrogant, prideful, STUPID bastard. I really thought that there would never be another human being I despised more than Grady Little. But you've surpassed ol' Gump in record time. See, Gump was just stupid. You are stupid AND arrogant. And not for nothing, but with the talent on that roster, the Sox ought to be 100-52 right now. You've bungled everything you were handed this year, you are a lousy manager (as evidenced by the fact that you FAILED MISERABLY in Philadelphia too), and you deserve so many hideous things that I can't name them all. Or wait... let me try naming just ten, at least. Here are the top ten things that I think should happen to Terry Francona:
10. He should be handcuffed to a chair in an elevator for the period of one year and forced to listen to a repeating loop of Hanson's "MmmBop" and Biz Markie's "Just A Friend."
9. He should be made to listen to George W. Bush pronounce it "nuke-yuh-ler" 1,459,892,348 times in a row.
8. He should be tied to one of the piles of garbage on the sidewalk outside a Manhattan Chinese restaurant and his privates smeared with honey... just at dusk when the rats come out.
7. The only thing that comes in on his television for the period of one year should be Tony Little infomercials.
6. He should be buried up to his neck in the sand at a beach, with no sunblock on his bald head, and then abandoned at low tide, thus allowing him to feel the gradual torching of his skull before the salt water tide comes in and gets all over the sunburn.
5. Endless "According to Jim" re-runs.
4. His fingertips should be given 2.497 paper cuts, and then he should be made to dip them in lemon juice.
3. He should be forced to attend a black-tie charity dinner with Courtney Love while she's on a coke bender.
2. He should be flogged with a cat-o-nine-tails until it draws blood, then made to take the Nestea Plunge into a swimming pool filled with tobasco sauce. When he comes out, he should receive a habanero enema.
1. His no-good, player-coddling, arrogant, screw-the-team-just-so-I-won't-look-bad self ought to be fired immediately, even before the playoffs, and he should be relegated to the dustbins of baseball history along with the 2003 Tigers, Marv Throneberry, and that midget that Bill Veeck once sent to bat for the St. Louis Browns.
