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October 17, 2004
YUCK THE FANKEES
Anyone expecting a graceful or dignified loss from me really doesn't know me very well. The New York Yankees are rivaled only by the Bush administration as the entity I hate the most on this earth. Really, it's two halves of the same coin - the uber-rich protecting themselves at the expense of everyone else, and being all self-righteous about it while doing it. But I digress... this one's not about politics, it's about the paycheck collection that plays eight miles south of me and calls itself a "team."
Yes, it would appear that my beloved Red Sox are vanquished yet again this year. Going up against a $194 million payroll, an ankle injury to your star pitcher, and a sudden inability to hit will do that to you. But if anyone thinks I'm going to go gently into that good night, or engage in some sportsmanlike wishing the Yankees well, you'll sooner see Paris Hilton shun the spotlight.
Albert Pujols, Scott Rolen, and Jason Isringhausen delivered me my first-ever FLAKS league title in fantasy baseball this year, so I have been watching the Cardinals all season long. And I hope the St. Louis crew crushes the damn Yankees in four straight.
But that wouldn't be good enough. Here are the top ten other things I hope happen to the Yankees.
10. In a fit of rage after someone gets champagne in his eyes, Kevin Brown breaks his other hand... punching Kenny Lofton's face.
9. Alex Rodriguez slips while chasing a dollar bill that's fallen onto the floor of the dugout... his resulting back injury keeps him out of the World Series. And his gold-digging wife finds some Wall Street stockbroker with even more money than A-Rod, and leaves him during his convalescence.
8. Gary Sheffield has a fit of 'roid rage and takes out the coaching staff with a bat.
7. Hideki Matsui's work visa expires on October 20 and he is forced to return to Japan. (Actually, Matsui is the one Yankee I actually respect and like. But if they make him leave and miss the Series, I'd be okay with that.)
6. John "Mosquito Head" Olerud is sprayed with pesticide by the city to prevent further spread of West Nile virus.
5. Three words for Bernie Williams: anterior cruciate ligament.
4. Mike Mussina experiences a religious conversion, accepting the Amish lifestyle of the towns he grew up near in central Pennsylvania. He refuses to pitch in any game where the stadium uses electricity.
3. Tom Gordon is attacked by a possessed automobile, a rabid St. Bernard, a homicidal otherwordly clown, and the Walkin' Dude himself, Randall Flagg - who've all shared the pages of a Stephen King novel with Gordon and who are jealous of his extra attention.
2. Because winning isn't enough for Georgie Warbucks, Steinbrenner becomes enraged when the Cardinals win a game. Furious that he was unable to purchase a four game sweep, Steinbrenner goes on a rampage in the lockerroom that makes Chuck Norris, Rambo, Clint Eastwood, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dolph Lundgren, Jean Claude Van Damme, and the assembled membership of the NRA look like wussy, pacifist girly-men. After the carnage is over, Steinbrenner leaves the room, looks at the reporters in the press pool, pumps his shotgun and says, "I'll be back."
1. Crudded up by all the New York skank he puts it into, Derek Jeter's penis becomes rabid. It jumps off his body and begins attacking Yankees in the lockerroom like that killer rabbit in Monty Python and the Holy Grail - going straight for throats and faces. It bites off Gary Sheffield's right earlobe, Alex Rodriguez loses an eye, and Jorge Posada cannot be saved by modern medicine.
But the horror isn't over. The bitten Yankees now start running around like the zombies in 28 Days Later, possessed by the poison of Derek Jeter's genitals, and attacking the crowd of fans in Yankee Stadium with such speed and precision that there is no means of escape.
Yuck the Fankees, man. Here's hoping the Cardinals sweep their pathetic asses.
