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December 22, 2004
TONG KISS
God help me for thinking this story is funny.
Police are looking for two women they say sexually assaulted a man with a pair of cooking tongs in a drug-related attack. Savannah-Chatham Metropolitan police say the victim, a 25-year-old man, awoke Saturday morning with a metal object protruding from his body.
This isn't funny. A fellow human being was assaulted. This is not funny! Must... stop... laughing!
The victim, who police say was using cocaine at the time, told police he does not remember much of what happened.
Okay, I've been on a lot of benders in my day -- some of them legendary. (Never cocaine, though... let's just get that straight.) It's sad -- but fair -- to say that I have a few evenings that I will probably never completely piece together, thanks to the alcohol-laden fog that surrounds them. But I'll tell you, even during my most legendary and infamous sprees, I have to think I would remember having my prostate examined with cooking tongs. That one might just be something I recall.
He told doctors he was drinking and using cocaine at his mobile home Friday night when he saw two women outside his home and invited them in.
Why did I just know there was going to be a mobile home in this story somewhere?
The victim's cousin took him to Memorial Health University Medical Center Saturday after he complained of pain.
Now that had to be a phone call for the record books, don't you think? "Hey Cletus? Yeah, this is Cooter. Man, you think you can bring the truck on over here and cart me to the 'mergency room? 'Cause I'm feeling like I just took an enema from a fire hose."
Okay, I swear... this is not funny. This is serious stuff we're talking about here. Not funny. This is not the funniest story of 2004. Really.
Doctors surgically removed an object identified as "one half of a pair of food tongs," and turned it over to police.
Okay, this is officially funny now. Kind of gives a whole new meaning to "tossing salad," doesn't it? And God help me, I am morbidly curious as to how those two managed to do this to the guy without him knowing it. It's kind of like a car wreck; I don't really want to know, but on the other hand... okay, wait -- I just really don't want to know.
But it's still really funny.
