« January 2004 | Main | February 2005 »
January 31, 2005
GOING BACK TO CALI
I'm heading to California for a work trip; for the next six days I will be in San Jose and the south Bay. I'll be on as frequently as time allows. Tuesday's a flying day, so maybe I'll be on after I get in. Have a great week, everyone.
January 29, 2005
SAFE PECKS?
You can't make this stuff up, I swear. This, ladies and gentlemen, is heartland intellect at its finest. They grow 'em smart in Oklahoma, boy... between Toby Keith and State Senator Frank Shurden, I'm surprised the Ivy League hasn't just packed up shop and headed to Tulsa.
The Oklahoma legislature outlawed cockfighting in 2002. It's a horribly cruel activity (I refuse to call it a "sport"); roosters are slashed and pecked to death while people bet on the eventual "winner." Anyone who could enjoy something like this probably does net searches for crime scene photos, and thinks Abu Graib was a hoot.
But ever ready to keep up with the times, Senator Shurden is introducing legislation to once again fill the streets of Oklahoma with cocks. Only this time, they'll be practicing safe pecks.
An Oklahoma senator hopes to revive cockfighting in the state by putting tiny boxing gloves on the roosters instead of razors.
Wait... they have razors on their cocks in Oklahoma? No wonder everyone walks so bowlegged!
He has proposed that roosters wear little boxing gloves attached to their spurs, as well as lightweight, chicken-sized vests configured with electronic sensors to record hits and help keep score.
Roosters in little boxing gloves, huh? Bet the people of Oklahoma are proud that their government is hard at work. Oh well... you know what they say: no glove, no love. Chicken-sized vests... with little electronic sensors? Why am I picturing ring entrances like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV? As for the boxing matches... of course the champion must be Mike Tyson... Chicken.
"It's like the fencing that you see on the Olympics, you know, where they have little balls on the ends of the swords and the fencers wear vests," said Shurden. "That's the same application that would be applied to the roosters."
Okay, we're talking about cocks with little balls on the ends of their swords. On CNN. And in the halls of the Oklahoma Senate. I just wanted to point that out.
Posted by Christopher at 01:24 PM | Comments (0)BRITNEY, YOUR DESTINY AWAITS
Have you ever noticed how pop culture seems to always be recycling itself? 50s style was cool again in the early 80s; the Beatles were channeled by Oasis in the 90s; and today, 80s retro is the hip thing (try watching VH1 for 2 hours without seeing at least one episode of "I Love The Eighties").
This is a good trend, if it will continue to inclue the whole pop princess sad attempt at career revival thing. This week, we got the news that Debbie Gibson will be posing nude in Playboy in the March issue -- following in the footsteps of her 80s popster sisters Belinda Carlisle and Tiffany.
I'll confess that I'm morbidly curious about this... back in the day, I thought Debbie Gibson was the hottest and most tolerable of the teen-pop stars of my late teens. This is sort of like William Hung's CD -- you know better, but you buy it anyway because you just have to see if it's as uncomfortable as you think it's going to be.
I'm more enthused, however, about what this means for Britney Spears. This is further proof that her destiny is etched in stone. (Not Christina Aguilera's, though. We've already seen everything from her anyway.) First, she'll release a new album and realize that the public no longer cares about her music, only her Springer-esque personal life. Then, the Federline divorce will come shortly on the heels of that bomb. Finally, in a desperate attempt to regain the spotlight, Britney's going starkers, thus fulfilling the collective male fantasy from the years 1999-2003. Of course, it will be 2007 by the time we get this, but that's okay. I've renewed my subscription.
One more note on a similar theme... Eva Longoria has now vaulted onto the Mudge top ten list, due to one little interview. That is all.
Posted by Christopher at 12:48 PM | Comments (0)MOUTHWASH MADNESS
What ever happened to Kitty Dukakis? I wonder if she's related to this lady?
Carol Ries, 50, was pulled over after she rear-ended another vehicle at a red light on January 9. She passed one breathalyzer test, but failed another that used different equipment. Police found a bottle of Listerine in her car, and she told them she had drunk three glasses earlier in the day. Her blood alcohol level was more than three times the legal limit, police said.
Even if it's not the same brand, can we call her a Scope fiend?
According to Listerine manufacturer Pfizer Inc.'s Web site, original formula Listerine contains 26.9 percent alcohol, while other varieties contain 21.6 percent alcohol.
I guess this explains why, every time I go grocery shopping, all those teenagers who sit outside the Stop-And-Shop keep giving me $5 bills and asking me to score them some Lavoris.
Posted by Christopher at 11:55 AM | Comments (0)YOU JUST WON THE SUPER BOWL... WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO NOW? "I'M GOING TO THE MUSTANG RANCH!!"
You gotta love the Economist for covering the next big trends before anyone else gets them. Next year, the in-crowd will be taking their families to visit the Mustang Ranch Sex Resort and Museum.
Lance Gilman, who owns both the Wild Horse bordello and the trademark for the Mustang Ranch, is building a sex village -- complete with museum and souvenir shop.
Because apparently, Las Vegas didn't qualify as a sex resort on its own. Souvenirs... let me guess: with these toys, batteries are included?
George Flint, head of the Nevada Brothel Association, insists that a trip to the Mustang Ranch could be "just as important as driving to Mount Rushmore."
Because of all the big heads, I guess. Nevada Brothel Association... now there's a business card you can take home to Mom.
Mr Gilman is building his Mustang Ranch Village on the plot next to the Wild Horse. The driveway to the village is neatly lined with saplings and, at the end of the road, a row of foreign flags greets visitors as if they are arriving at an international institution. The museum will include a portrait of the legendary Mr Conforte and a circular bed with a mirrored headboard from the original Mustang Ranch.
The guy who opened the Mustang Ranch was named Conforte? Was that supposed to be "Comforte" or "Contorte?" And wow... look kids, a mirrored headboard! That's where a customer could watch his prostitute check her watch while he thrust away! You'll be telling your own kids you saw this someday!
Souvenirs will range from the usual T-shirts (boasting about the Mustang's "res-erection") to more exotic oils and toys. Because Mr Gilman's girls are experts in long-lasting "make-up that doesn't run", a Mustang Ranch cosmetics line will also be on sale.
Okay, no joke, I want one of those t-shirts. Don't tell Cheney about 'em though -- he'll wear one to next year's Pearl Harbor ceremony. And make-up... look, honey, now you can look just like one of those girls who gets paid to pretend she's excited while taking it in her pooper!
Hey, far be it from me to be cynical about anything devoted to celebrating sex. Besides, I've been to Vegas, and I've seen the clientele who sit at the slot machines. This resort's gonna be a big hit.
DEATH CAMP CASUAL
What does the well-heeled paragon of power and representative of the American people wear when remembering victims of the worst genocide in human history?
Well, this year, Lambeau Field casual is in, precious! Away with the silly formal wear and somber black suits that everyone else says the occasion calls for! To really make a statement, go for the Dick Cheney look: an olive drab parka, hiking boots, and a knit ski cap! After the ceremony recalling the victims of Auschwitz, you can put that foam cheese head back on, finish drawing that "#1" on your stomach for when you take your shirt off at half time, and get yourself a couple of Leinenkugel's. Don't forget to stop by Dave and Buster's on the way back for some great buffalo wings and potato skins!
Disgusting. Just appalling. What's next: a Hawaiian shirt, bermuda shorts, and knee socks the next time he makes a surprise visit to Iraq?
A DISGUSTING ADMISSION... AND CONGRESS'S MOMENT OF TRUTH
In yet another example of how the Bush Administration is quickly being exposed as the most crooked in American history, it's been revealed yet another conservative columnist was being fed tax money from the public coffers to engage in propaganda for Bush initiatives.
Columnist Mike McManus received $10,000 to train marriage counselors as part of the agency's initiative promoting marriage to build strong families, said Wade Horn, assistant secretary for children and families.
The McManus revelation follows admissions that Armstrong Williams was paid $240,000 by the Bush administration to publicly support Bush education initiatives, and Maggie Gallagher was paid $21,500 by the Bush administration to publically back Bush's marriage agenda.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, and you have proof of a systematic and deliberate administration policy to abuse the public trust and misuse public funds to engage in propaganda for this administration. Apparently, conservative values include fraud and deception.
But the greatest amount of pressure and focus do not fall on the White House. After all, anyone who was smart enough to be paying attention over the last four years knows that fraud and deception are nothing new for the administration of George W. Bush. (WMD's, anyone?) That's what this Republican administration is all about.
Instead, attention and responsibility now fall on the Republican Congress. It's up to Congress to do two things: first, pass the soon-to-be-introduced "Stop Government Propaganda" Act, which would specifically make it illegal to use public monies to engage in such propaganda as the Bush administration has been systematically doing. There is no excuse for this bill not finding 100 sponsors in the Senate and 435 in the House. A free and independent press is a cornerstone of American democracy, the first right enumerated in the first amendment, and Congress must show respect for the Constitution even where the Bush administration refuses to do so.
Second, Congress must convene a special committee, and hire a special prosecutor to investigate just how deep this insidious practice runs in the Bush administration, and just how high up the approvals came from. Those responsible must be exposed to public scrutiny and judgement, and where laws were broken must be held accountable.
Before any conservatives out there begin to whine about this, let me ask you a question: if ten years ago it had been revealed that the Clinton Administration had paid columnists upwards of $300,000 in taxpayer funds to propagandize the Clinton health care plan and to support gays in the military, what would the conservative reaction have been? People in the Clinton administration had grand juries convened on them simply for making money in the stock market; can you imagine what the Gingrich-Armey-DeLay Congress would have done with a revelation of paid propagandizing?
Of course, today's Republican Congress won't do anything. No one in the Bush administration is ever held accountable for anything. Condi Rice lied about WMD, and she's secretary of state now. Al Gonzales said it was okay for the US to engage in torture, and he's about to be the Attorney General. Bush deliberately misled the world about the threat Saddam Hussein posed, and Republicans treat him as the messiah. So to expect any Republican to hold anyone in the administration accountable for the payola scandal is wishful thinking at best.
The responsibility then falls to us on the left to continue exposing this president, this administration, and the conservative press for what they truly are. The left failed once in this administration already, allowing the Bush-Cheney-Rice-Rumsfeld lies about Iraq to go too unchallenged and to be too easily forgotten. While the payola scandal isn't as severe a crime as lying about the rationale for war, it is an egregious breach of the public trust -- and no American should be allowed to ignore of forget the Izvestia/Pravda-like abuse of the media that Bush and conservatives engage in.
Posted by Christopher at 10:42 AM | Comments (0)TRAGEDY IN NEW YORK
See, now this is why midwesterners don't do so well in New York. Actress and playwright Nicole DuFresne, originally from Minnesota, was shot and killed by a mugger in Manhattan on Thursday night.
Nicole duFresne, 28, had just left a bar in a trendy section of the Lower East Side with her fiance and another couple early Thursday when they were approached by four or five men. Witnesses told investigators that one of the men grabbed for the other woman's purse and duFresne intervened, asking, "What are you going to do, shoot us?" A man then fired one shot at her, police said.
What are you going to do, shoot us? Honey, in New York the answer is: "Yes." That's the wrong thing to say. As you learned.
I'm not making light of Ms. DuFresne's murder. Far from it. It's a very sad thing, to see something like this happen... the idea of someone dying in their fiance's arms is a crushing tragedy. I'm just saying that people have to be aware of their surroundings -- and aware of the general tone of an area -- and act accordingly. You can get away with "What are you going to do, shoot us?" in small towns and in midwestern cities, perhaps. But in New York (and other large cities), they actually do shoot you. I'm not suggesting that the proper response to a mugger on the streets of New York is meek acquiescence. But you can resist without issuing your assailant an outright challenge to kill you.
Condolences to Ms. DuFresne's family and loved ones.
Posted by Christopher at 10:30 AM | Comments (0)GO AHEAD... RUN YOUR MOUTH
I love it when some unthinking idiot does something stupid, in an attempt to represent, that in fact helps my sports teams. I love that. And in today's NFL, you can always count on someone to shoot their mouth off instead of talking on the field.
Philadelphia Eagles WR Freddie Mitchell is a backup. He's only playing because Terrell Owens got hurt. In other words, if T.O.'s ankle doesn't go all Rice Crispies on him (snap, crackle, pop), Freddie Mitchell's spot on the bench sees more action than Freddie does.
His own status as a scrub hasn't stopped Freddie from running his mouth off, however. He's yapping smack about the New England secondary. You know, the defending Super Bowl champions who shut down Peyton Manning two weeks ago and last week picked off Ben Rothlisberger three times?
Mitchell, a starter only because All-Pro Terrell Owens is hurt, said he just knew the numbers --not the names -- of New England's cornerbacks. He singled out Rodney Harrison, saying he "has something" for the veteran strong safety...
Keep talking, Freddie. Please. I'd like to hear more of what you have to say. I'd especially like for you to keep trying to play on Rodney Harrison some more. You know, because he's the kind of guy who'll just turn the other cheek and let you yap.
Patriots 37, Eagles 13.
January 26, 2005
NOW *THIS* GUY IS FUNNY
One more new blog for you to wander over to... one I think you'll enjoy. I don't know who this guy Tim is, but his site -- "Chloraphil? More Like Bore-A-Phil" is hysterical. Of special note are posts of his from Tuesday, January 25, and Saturday, January 22.
Now this guy's funny!
Posted by Christopher at 11:36 PM | Comments (0)THE WINTER OF MY DISCONTENT
I grew up in Minnesota. Throughout my childhood, winter began around October 15, when temperatures began dropping below freezing at night; the first snowstorm of the year always hit before Thanksgiving, and by December 1 you were pretty much guaranteed that you could count on your fingers the number of times the temperatures would climb above freezing between then and April 1. In most years, we would have a stretch of at least a week -- sometimes even longer -- where the temperatures wouldn't get above zero degrees Farenheit.
And we loved it. The great thing about childhood is that you have nothing to compare it to yet; we couldn't miss milder winters because we didn't know there was such a thing. Well, we knew that other parts of the country would shiver just reading about the high temperature in Minneapolis, and that non-Minnesotans thought we were crazy. But we just laughed and adopted the cold as part of our identity.
We were Minnesotans, which means we liked the cold; we liked hockey, we liked ice fishing, we liked walking to school when it was seven degrees outside (7? Hey, that's above zero, ya wuss. Put a hat on and get yer ass out here.). In high school, my best friend used to wake up ten minutes before the bus came to the corner; he'd jump into the shower, quick wash up, get dressed, and sprint to the bus stop still damp from the shower... in winter, by the time he got to the bus there'd be ice in his hair.
We thought nothing of heading to the outdoor rink to play hockey even when it was below zero; our parents had to drag us inside for supper. We didn't worry if the car would start in the morning, because we just plugged in the engine block heater before heading to bed. (When outsiders showed up and didn't understand why we plugged our cars in, we just chuckled at their apparent naivete.) Winter meant snow forts, snowball fights, snot that froze in your nose, and more hockey. Winter made me Minnesotan.
I mention all this because I've been pondering this week how I could ever have loved winter. This is my eleventh winter away from my hometown (I moved ten years ago, but right before winter -- so it's the beginning of my eleventh year away), and though I live in the north once again, the New York City area doesn't have winters nearly as harsh. Whether due to age or acclimation, however, my tolerance for even these less intense seasons has plummeted.
Instead of hockey, snow fights and ice fishing, now winter means having to dig my car out of its parking spot, my bad knee aching and waking me up at night, and that it's going to take me twice as long to get to work, thanks to the cowards on the road who see one snow flurry and immediately clutch the steering wheel in a death grip while slowing to 10 mph. (There should be special levels of hell reserved for people who drive overly cautiously during precipitation. They cause as many acccidents as the ones who drive overly aggressively.)
In the past week, we've had single digit temperatures with windchills around -20, then a blizzard that dropped a foot of snow on us, then a one day "warming trend" where it got up to 30 degrees, and tonight we're back to the below zero windchills. My ImissFloridometer is screeching off the charts. And one more childhood memory is rendered thoroughly incomprehensible.
Posted by Christopher at 09:57 PM | Comments (0)THE BIG CHILL
So this is what we've come to, thanks to the Bush FCC: pixiliated cartoon butts.
Yes, kids... the FCC has grabbed its ankles so many times while trying to cleanse the airwaves to the extremist Christian right's satisfaction that now even Fox TV, that bastion of classy television, is afraid that a cartoon character's bare ass might land them a fine. So they did what any god squad-fearing network would do:
[Fox] executives ordered a 5-year-old "Family Guy" scene blurred because it was nervous about what the Federal Communications Commission might think of Griffin's naked rear end -- a cartoon character's naked rear -- on television.
I've written before about how the shrieking, self-righteous evangelical movement and their stranglehold on the FCC could begin to have a chill effect on communications in this country. Now, even the simple fear of a fine, the mere presumption that the Christian Taliban might get all up in arms over something, is enough to get stations to voluntarily prevent it from seeing the airwaves. This pixilated cartoon incident is one more example that the extreme right wing has become successful in exercising censorship by proxy.
Funny thing about conservatives: they claim that liberals don't respect the average person, that liberal elites want to tell you from their ivory towers in New York and California what's best for you, and that the coastal elites heap scorn on anyone with values different than their own.
But clearly, conservatives don't respect you enough to think you're capable of turning a TV channel; they'd rather prevent anything they deem "indecent" from ever being an option for you. And if you don't agree with them, too bad -- they'll tell you what can go on television, thank you very much.
Today's reality is that there is an elite minority in control of the culture that holds average American values in contempt, and self-righteously believes that it knows better than average Americans what's best for them. But those elites sit not on the coasts, but in Texas and the deep south, and they sit in ivory steeples.
Posted by Christopher at 08:56 PM | Comments (0)January 25, 2005
RANDOM AND SOMETIMES CRUDE OBSERVATIONS, JANUARY 2005
1. Neither The Passion of the Christ nor Farenheit 9/11 were nominated for Best Picture. This is probably a good thing.
2. There are reports that Tom Brady of the New England Patriots had a 103 fever and was receiving intravenous fluids on Saturday night before the AFC Championship game. If these reports are true, Brady just added a Jordanesque chunk to his growing legend.
3. I've spent the last five days or so pondering whether there is a nastier substance in the world than phlegm. At this point I am inclined to say no. Get your flu shots, kids.
4. There is nothing in the world ruder, in my little opinion, than someone who does cell phone calls while in the bathroom. I've seen and heard people do it at airports, in restaurants, in offices... today, someone at the urinal next to me actually whipped out his phone (ha! you dirty-minded perverts!) and placed a call while doing his business.
Never wishing to be outdone in anything -- even in displaying poor manners -- and finding myself fed up with anyone who could be so self-important as to believe his call couldn't wait 30 more seconds, I stepped back and adjusted my aim so as to amplify certain sounds that would make it obvious where the call was coming from. There is no satisfaction like that of hearing the guy stop his conversation by saying, "... so I think that... what? NO! I'm not in the... it's not me! I mean... Okay, I'll call you right back."
Upon clicking his phone shut, the guy just looked at me. I looked back at him and said, "I've been holding that for an hour." He disgustedly shook his head and walked out of the room (without washing his hands, no less). Sure, it was crude. But someone had to teach this middle aged guy some phone etiquette, don't you think? You have to fight fire with fire.
The whole incident got me thinking... what call could possibly be so important that you'd make it from the ol' W.C.? This doesn't include answering an emergency call, mind you... not that I'd ever be inclined to answer a phone in the loo anyway, but I could see circumstances (a husband whose wife is about to go into labor any day or any hour, for example) in which someone might feel compelled to answer a phone while indisposed. But actually taking out your phone and making a call while engaged in the lavatorial arts? Who does this? And if the call is that important, do you really think it's possible to sound impressive from a bathroom? "Can you hear me now? Good -- er, well, maybe not."
Am I alone in thinking this to be an egregious breach of phone etiquette? Does anyone in the community out there actually do phone calls from the john? Do you actually want to admit to it in public?
5. Pitchers and catchers report in 19 days. Equally as important, our fantasy league draft takes place in only 67 days. I'm already planning on wearing my Jason Varitek #33 Sox uniform to the draft, over the t-shirt that says, "Who Died And Made You Mark Bellhorn?" (Thanks, Tim and Donna!)
6. I have to give credit to Steelers' wide receiver Hines Ward. Ward wept unabashedly in front of reporters Monday while discussing the potential retirement of team leader Jerome Bettis. He stood his ground, never breaking his comments even while wiping the tears from his cheeks as he talked about Bettis and what he meant to each player on the Steelers.
"Man, everybody was crying," receiver Hines Ward said Monday. "That's how bad it hurts. I mean... I felt sorry for him because I learned so much from the guy... to me, he's always a champion to me regardless if he ever played in a Super Bowl or not. I learned so much from him..."
Ward went on to finish that he had wanted to win a Super Bowl more for Bettis than for himself, because "[Bettis] deserves to be a champion."
In the macho world of professional sports, crying about anything is too often considered weakness; showing that much love and respect for a fellow athlete is also likely to earn Ward some banter in the locker room. Hines Ward didn't care. He showed guts and decency in his actions and words; he obviously loves his friend and teammate, and wasn't afraid to show it.
And the sentiment that Bettis is always a champion to Ward is a show of genuine and unabashed respect that you don't often see in football anymore. (Compare Ward's conduct with the words of fellow Steeler Plaxico Burress, who the day after losing the title -- and while his teammates were openly crying about not being able to win one for Bettis -- was saying he'd played his last game as a Steeler because he doesn't get the ball enough.)
Plaxico Burress is the kind of man that has made me virtually walk away from football in disgust at the kind of person the players in the league are today. Hines Ward and Jerome Bettis are the kind of men who prevent me from giving up completely, because they're the kind of men you want to believe in. And Ward is both twice the receiver and twice the man that Burress will ever be.
Posted by Christopher at 10:14 PM | Comments (0)THE NEXT TARGET?
We've all heard George W. Bush saying for years that nations are either with us or against us... that the US will go after terrorists wherever they hide... that nations that serve as recruiting grounds for terrorists will face the wrath of the United States.
So I have some bad news for France, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, and other European nations: if Bush walks his talk, you're next.
How else are we to believe Bush will respond to this report that Europe has become the primary recruiting ground for al Qaida?
"They began by dozens, now there are hundreds," says Antoine Sfeir, an Islamic expert in France. "Not only French. Europeans from Germany, from Belgium, from Netherlands."
Oh well. This administration seems to have been itching for a reason to go after "old Europe" for a while now... guess they have their excuse.
Posted by Christopher at 09:57 PM | Comments (0)A FEW OBSERVATIONS
Sometimes, the world hands you stories that you don't even have to tell people what you're thinking -- you can just present the facts and they speak for themselves.
Item #1: During the campaign, George W. Bush campaigned by saying that John Kerry would pay for new government spending by raising taxes by $900 billion dollars. Bush claimed this was proof of how fiscally irresponsible Kerry and Democrats were. No matter that FactCheck.org demonstrated that these claims were false; red staters and I-got-mine types across the country bought into the lie and cast their ballots for Bush.
Item #2: George W. Bush justified the invasion of Iraq by claiming that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. In fact, no such weapons have been found, and even the US inspectors now admit that there were no WMD's in Iraq. Despite this fabrication, which Bush has never been held accountable for, the invasion took place and an occupation has followed.
Item #3: After deriding presidential adviser Lawrence Lindsey and forcing him to resign in early 2003 for claiming the war would cost $100 to $200 billion, the Bush White House today signaled its intent to ask Congress for another $80 billion dollars to fund the Iraq operations -- pushing the overall cost of the Iraq war to more than $300 billion dollars.
Item #4: Bush has championed tax cuts through the Republican Congress that many observers say largely benefit the wealthy; between these tax cuts and the administration's increased spending, the US budget -- which carried a $230 billion surplus when Clinton left office -- is running a record $427 billion deficit this year, the White House announced today. That's a $657 billion dollar turnaround in four years. That's two thirds of a trillion dollars.
So the man who campaigned against his opponent's fiscal irresponsibility has opened up the largest deficit in history, and is asking for more -- mostly to support a war for which the president's stated rationale has been thoroughly discredited.
These items brought to you by reality. No spin, no opinion, just facts.
Yeah, Bush voters are real smart folk.
Posted by Christopher at 09:06 PM | Comments (0)January 24, 2005
GOING OUT WITH A BANG
I've said before that I don't like William Safire's politics. But as someone lucky enough to write for a living, I've always had great appreciation for Mr. Safire's ability to articulate an argument, to write to persuade... hell, just his ability to write. He may have been on the other side of the fence -- I could count on my fingers the number of times I agreed with something he wrote -- but Safire is an incredible talent who has earned my respect.
William Safire retired today, with a flurry of four columns in the New York Times worth your attention. But the one I found most enjoyable of all was his final column, in which he gives readers advice on how to read a political column. In it, Safire is funny, is genuine, is respectful, is playful... is Safire. The column reminded me of why I'm so going to miss someone whom I never even agree with. I cannot recommend more strongly that you click through and read it.
What I enjoyed most, however, was Safire's slightly self-mocking as he discussed the rules... and the little tricks of writing that he warns you not to be fooled by -- tricks that aren't really tricks so much as escapes. I laughed along with him, because I've done a couple of the very things he warns about from time to time. But most of all, my favorite rule of his was Rule #4:
4. When infuriated by an outrageous column, do not be suckered into responding with an abusive e-mail. Pundits so targeted thumb through these red-faced electronic missives with delight, saying "Hah! Got to 'em."
I hope that by the time I retire, I may have "gotten to" a simple fraction of the numbers that William Safire did. So bon voyage, Mr. Safire. May the wind be at your back in your travels.
Posted by Christopher at 11:59 PM | Comments (0)HOW CAN SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T EXIST DO SO MUCH DAMAGE?
Global warming doesn't exist; it's a figment of those damn tree-hugging liberals' imaginations. Just ask Dubya, he'll tell you. Global warming is just another liberal plot, just like evolution, Mr. Snuffleupagus, and the idea of a round earth. Besides, if the United States abided by the Kyoto Protocol, all the American oil companies wouldn't be able to make such healthy profits. And if you don't love oil companies getting rich, then you just don't love freedom.
Except for one thing: global warming is real, and it's reaching a critical point at which we may not ever be able to undo the damage done, according to an international task force.
Global warming is approaching the critical point of no return, after which widespread drought, crop failure and rising sea-levels would be irreversible, an international climate change task force warned Monday.
"An ecological time-bomb is ticking away," said Stephen Byers, who co-chaired the task force with U.S. Republican Senator Olympia Snowe, and is a close confidant of British Prime Minister Tony Blair. "World leaders need to recognize that climate change is the single most important long term issue that the planet faces."
World leaders? Actually, just one. Most other world leaders got it a long time ago and signed Kyoto a decade ago. There's only one "world leader" who denies the reality of this issue. And the red states just handed him four more years.
U.S. President George W. Bush has rejected the Kyoto accord, arguing that the carbon emission cuts it demands would damage the U.S. economy.
If the devil's chimpanzee thinks cutting carbon emissions would damage the US economy... wait till he sees what runaway climate change and mass extinctions could do to it.
According to the report, urgent action is needed to stop the global average temperature rising by 2 degrees Celsius above the level in 1750 -- the approximate start of the Industrial Revolution when mankind first started significantly polluting the atmosphere with carbon dioxide. Beyond a 2 degrees rise, "the risks to human societies and ecosystems grow significantly" the report said, adding there would be a risk of "abrupt, accelerated, or runaway climate change."
But yeah, I guess oil company profits are important, aren't they George? Profits over existence... that's the Republican way. Either that, or this is all part of Bush's plan to bring about the apocolypse and the End of Days... just melt the planet down, and you get your End of Days.
THINGS TO COME
It only took the devil's chimpanzee one day to start screwing with the environment. No longer needing to worry about having to pretend to have an election, George W. Bush can now destroy the American environment with impugnity -- and he's already got his administration beginning to do so after only a single day.
The Associated Press, Updated: 8:15 p.m. ET Jan. 21, 2005
WASHINGTON - Citing a need for domestic energy, the government plans to open for exploratory drilling thousands of acres on Alaska's North Slope that have been protected for decades because of migratory birds and caribou.
Now, is anyone really surprised? I mean, come on, really. Raise your hands if you are shocked.
While most of the 22 million-acre reserve is open to oil development, its lake-pocked northeastern corner has been fenced off, dating back to the Reagan administration, because of environmental concerns.
Not even Ronald Reagan -- one of the least environmentally friendly presidents in American history -- would be this drastic or this blatant. However, expecting Bush to have any shame may have been asking for just a little too much.
This is only the beginning, kids. We have to deal with Simon Barsinister in the White House for the next four years. (Come to think of it, doesn't Cheney make a great "Cad?") Four years. I wonder if Alaska's wilderness can hold out that long?
Posted by Christopher at 11:24 PM | Comments (0)IF YOU DON'T PAY FOR GARBAGE, IS IT STILL STEALING?
For some time now, I've been sharing my opinion with you that Paris Hilton's little video is the Worst. Movie. Ever. and is not worth spending your money on. Well, it seems that no less an authority than Paris herself agrees with me.
On its Web site, the TV show "Celebrity Justice" posted a video of Hilton as she bought several magazines at a newsstand and was given change. It goes on to show her grabbing her infamous sex video and walking off with it."She threw her 80 cents change at me and took the video and said, 'I'm taking this and I'm not buying it,'" [the clerk] told the show.This incident is just one more piece of proof that Paris Hilton is an airhead. I mean... she actually paid 80 cents for that piece of junk! (Someday, I'll have to share the story of how I ended up seeing it myself -- it's not quite what you think.
IS YOUR FATHER A THEIF? NO? WELL, I AM
Some guys, they just have all the moves. None of the brains, mind you, but all the moves. In this guy's book, you don't need a great opening line, a good look or good manners. To get a woman interested, you just have to rob them first.
After robbing a Domino's delivery woman, Brent Brown of New Castle, Delaware called the victim from his cell phone to apologize... and then asked her out on a date.
The victim, 18, declined the request, instead giving the cell phone number to police, who arrested Brent Brown, 25, on Thursday.
Well, the guy wanted digits, right? And he got 'em. Of course, they're on the front pocket of his jumpsuit at county, but he still got numbers from the deal. And he was looking for sex, right? I have a feeling he's gonna find some of that at county as well.
January 23, 2005
THE MUDGE SPEAKS: THE NFC
THE MUDGE SPEAKS: THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
1. The real quarterback won. The running back who lines up under center lost.
2. It doesn't matter who won this game, because whoever wins is only going to lose to the AFC champion, no matter who that is.
3. New England will be the AFC Champion.
That is all.
GOODNIGHT, JOHNNY By now, you've
GOODNIGHT, JOHNNY
By now, you've heard. Johnny Carson, the king of late night and the most successful television entertainer in history, has died of emphysema. He was 79.
Johnny Carson was more than a talk show host and more than a late night pioneer. He became a legendary part of Americana, the man that the country went to bed with every night and made part of their homes. Carson was on television for 30 years -- far longer than any entertainer in televsion. And he wasn't just playing out the string; Carson was still winning his time slot and routinely trouncing all challengers right up until the end of his career.
Carson's genius wasn't necessarily in his comedy. He was never the edgiest comic out there; he was never quite the funniest. But, he was funny -- consistently -- for 30 years. He knew just how far he could go with a joke before it became too far. He knew what he could make fun of without offending his audience. He was able to be funny, charming and reassuring enough to get himself invited back into people's homes every night for 30 years. How many comedians can you think of who could be funny enough to stay on TV for that long without pushing the envelope? Prevented by format from going edgy, Carson stayed funny. That's one hell of an achievement.
But Carson's true genius lay in two things he did without equal. First, in the history of comedy there has never been a performer so skilled in recovering from a joke that bombed. Any comic has jokes that fail. Carson could react to a flop -- whether with a one-liner, a faux insult of the audience, or even with just a facial expression -- in a way that instantly won the crowd back, with the biggest laugh of the night. He was comfortable enough to make fun of himself, to make failure a punchline -- and that confidence made him even funnier. There will never be another comic who recovers that well from a joke that didn't work. He was as quick-witted as anyone who ever told a joke for an audience.
That quick wit also fed Carson's other great talent: he was the best interviewer in talk show history. While other talk show hosts rehearse the interview with their guests before they go on thei air, Carson refused to do so. Other hosts stick religiously to the script; Carson preferred to ad-lib and go down unexpected paths. He could do so because he was a great listener, and because he had that quick wit. Whatever a guest said or did, Carson could go with it and make it funny. Whether he was talking to Frank Sinatra or an 87 year old woman who collected potato chips that look like people, Carson was respectful of every guest, and could be funny with them. He was the master of funny reactions; he could take any situation and make it funnier with a faux-panic response or a one-liner. Try seeing someone do that unrehearsed today.
Perhaps Carson's biggest legacy is the impact he had on the face of comedy. For the entire run of Carson's Tonight Show, there was no bigger supporter of new comedians than Johnny Carson, no more coveted gig than a few minutes on the Carson show, and no bigger endorsement than Johnny inviting a new comic to the couch after he or she had finished their set. The list of up and coming comedians who got their first national exposure through Carson and then later became stars reads like a who's who of comedy from the 1960s through today. Rodney Dangerfield. Phyllis Diller. Joan Rivers. Rich Little. David Brenner. Jay Leno. David Letterman. Jerry Seinfeld. Tim Allen. Drew Carey. The list is so long, but you can pretty much get the rest of it by looking at anyone who had a sitcom or a hit comedy album from the 1960s to the 1990s. None of Carson's heirs mentor their field like Johnny did.
There are two tributes that I can think of that would be appropriate. Tomorrow night, Jay Leno should open the Tonight Show with Johnny's old theme... he shouldn't come out from behind the curtain -- when it's time for "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny," the spotlight should just stay on Johnny's old mark before fading to commercial. And on Saturday Night Live, they should bring Dana Carvey back for one skit... and do one like they did when Rodney Dangerfield died, where someone doing an impression of the star would run through some of his best bits while standing at the Pearly Gates, trying to convince St. Peter to let him into heaven. When St. Peter says, "You were getting in anyway," the star says, "So how come you made me do all this?" St. Peter just says, "Because I just wanted to hear those jokes one last time."
Carson was a rarity -- an icon whose status grew bigger after he left the spotlight. He was as much a part of Americana from 1962-1992 as McDonald's or Coca-Cola. And we won't see his like again.
Good night, Johnny. And thank you.
Posted by Christopher at 04:11 PM | Comments (0)CONTEST: DECORATE THE CURMUDGEONMOBILE
This may be a moot point, as at the moment my car is buried underneath a snowdrift the size of Paul Wolfowitz's ego, and I may never get to it again. But assuming I do see my oh-so-fashionable Toyota Camry again, it's about time that the old Curmudgeonmobile got some fresher political statements.
I found this great bumper sticker site here at Irregular Times. And I am going to get a couple of the stickers from this site to wear proudly and defiantly on my bumper. I was going for a simple "He's Not MY President" motif, but there were so many good ones to choose from that I am now undecided. And I figured, who better to help me decide than the friendly blog community?
So take a look at the site. I've selected 14 stickers that I really like, and would be happy having any of them on my car. For the next few days I'll take "votes" from the community; whichever two stickers have received the most votes by Friday will be ordered and take their proud place on the Car-mudgeon. (I'm having way too much fun with stupid plays on that word, huh?) Here are the choices:
1. Bush will never be my President
2. Proud to live in a Blue State
3. George W. Bush is a Lucking Fire
4. George W. Bush: Minion of Satan (This may be my absolute favorite)
5. World Menace, National Shame
6. G.O.P. Orwellian Politics ("war is peace", "ignorance is strength")
7. Bush Thinks You're Stupid
8. Where are the WMD's? Where is the truth? Where is the honor?
9. Annoy Fox News: Vote AGAINST Bush (I like this one too - thumb in the eye of the conservative sheep who prefer their news propagandized)
10. This bumper was chosen by God to mock George W. Bush
11. Word Problem: If George W. Bush leaves Washington on a train traveling 50 mph, how many million Americans will start cheering?
12. Proud to be a veteran. Ashamed of G. W. Bush
13. George W. Bush is the REAL imminent threat
14. If you can read this, you're not the president
So... what's it going to be, kids? Which of these messages to I get to send every time I drive the 35 miles to work each day?
Posted by Christopher at 01:58 PM | Comments (0)January 22, 2005
THE ROLE OF BLOGS
I suppose it was inevitable... a backlash against blogs. Fresh off an election season in which bloggers and their influence were almost as big a story as the campaign, the regular media feels threatened -- and they've begun fighting back.
The Wall Street Journal is leading the charge, raising the question of ethics in blogging... but they're not alone. The traditional media's been full of stories in the last few weeks about bloggers who failed to disclose that they either worked for or had once worked for some of the people they'd been blogging about. In fact, as the Journal reports,
At Harvard University this weekend, a small group of journalists, bloggers and media thinkers are gathering in a conference, "Blogging, Journalism & Credibility" to hash out some of these issues, and kick around the idea of a blogging code of ethics. Should bloggers disclose their sources of income? Do journalists who also blog face conflicting standards? Wow... we've got Harvard paying attention now? Bloggers must be important, huh?
The hype about bloggers making the media increasingly irrelevant is made more credible by what the tradtional news media has become -- lapdogs to the conservative viewpoint who pepper their skewed "reporting" with stories about celebrity divorces and other blatant paeans to ratings. If the news media would do its job and stop rolling over for conservatives and playing dumb and pandering to the public's attention span, it would be much easier for people to take them seriously.
The current blog-ethics hysteria in the media turns the spotlight on others rather than look inward at the true reasons for its declining relevance. For example, the incident everyone seems to be citing as the moment when blogs became Blogs is when the blogosphere was first to the story of the CBS National Guard documents being forged. The problem wasn't that bloggers became reporters and chased a story; the problem was that CBS screwed up in the first place. Bloggers didn't "bring down Rather;" CBS News' shoddy research and bad journalism brought down Rather. But the current hysteria ignores that point.
To focus the spotlight on bloggers is to miss the point -- namely, that the reason people are increasingly turning to blogs is that the traditional media has lost credbility... and that blogging is simply an extension of what has passed for journalism for the last fifteen years at least; i.e., the presentation of opinion as fact.
As for blogging ethics, I find the argument about spin replacing news to be foolish and somewhat disingenuous. Fox "News" has been pulling that stunt for a decade. They're the pioneers of spin as news. But as Skippy the Bush Kangaroo eloquently points out,
bloggers aren't reporters. they are repeaters. they are simply folks sitting around a living room talking to each other about the world. only the living room in this case is the internet...
Holding bloggers to journalistic standards of ethics would be like holding a group engaging in a discussion in a barroom to those standards. Blogging is, almost by definition, the expression of opinions about the goings-on of the world. If bloggers happen to break a story (ie, the CBS Bush documents), that doesn't change the basic realities of blogging. We're not reporters. Most of us don't pretend to be.
You as a blog reader have the right (and a responsibility) to, again borrowing from Skippy, consider the source. Anyone who's read even one of my political posts knows which side of the fence I'm on. Even by the stuff I choose to write about, all but the most unobservant reader can intuit that I'm a lefty. Excepting the occasional off-the-deep-end vent, I write what I do in hopes of being persuasive -- I hope people who read what I wrote will agree with me. But I don't pretend to be reporting. And the very fact that opinion appears in these posts makes very clear that I'm not engaged in journalism -- the Fox "News" precedent aside. Best of all, if you as a reader don't agree with me, a key part of the blogging relationship is that you can leave comments telling me what a jerk I am or how foolish my position is -- thus adding not only to the public debate but to the record of the discussion.
Not that I'm suggesting bloggers should be held to no more stringent journalistic guidelines than Fox. There are basics we should hold to -- for one, we should tell readers up front where we're coming from. And readers have the right to know that our opinions aren't paid for -- or know who's paying us if that's the case. (None of us should be doing an Armstrong Williams impression.) If we don't set that precedent, we run the risk of blogs getting co-opted by corporate marketing departments and becoming parody. To remain in their purest form, blogs by definition should be unsponsored opinion -- or to have that sponsorship revealed.
But I draw the line at revealing "former connections;" i.e., a blogger used to work for a specific candidate or cause, so those connections should be revealed. Someone who once worked for Bush or for Kerry or Dean or the Sierra Club likely did so because they already had opinions and beliefs that led them to feel an affinity for the cause they worked for. The fact that they once were in a position to act on those beliefs and get paid for it doesn't make their opinions less (or more) valid.
In most cases, bloggers are simply observers of the events of the world around them. We don't cause news; we don't report news; we just give our opinions about news. And what I still come back to is that even the idea is wrong that the expression of opinion should be constrained within some ethical system. Since when is having an opinion subject to standards? The difference between blogs and water coolers or the corner bar isn't much more than the number of people who have access to the conversation.
The hand-wringing is a good show, but those who read blogs know what they're getting when they log on. When someone wants news, they'll go to the traditional media outlet of their choice. When someone wants rhetorical ammunition for their arguments about the news, or wants to commune with others who share their outlook, they go to blogs.
Where's the problem in that?
Posted by Christopher at 11:12 PM | Comments (0)NEW KIDS ON THE BLOG
As I like to do from time to time, here are a few blogs from people who've either stumbled onto my site or whose sites I have stumbled upon:
The Big Blowdown: No, it's not one of those kinds of blogs. Would I get you in trouble at work? Reidski is from the UK, I ran across him on McRob's site over at The Bothy. You know how I knew I'd like him? He was discussing the plethora of crappy blogs out there, and came up with this observation: "for every crap blog, there is also its anti-matter good cousin." Now that's witty. Check him out.
Skippy the Bush Kangaroo: Hardly a new one; Skippy's been a good source for material on the excesses and outrages of the current American regime for a long time now. But recently our friend Jillian from The Snarky Cat has begun guest-blogging there as "Cookie Jill." So between Skippy and Jill, you can't go wrong...
Hanging Two The Left: Found this guy through Tim. He seems to be right up our alley -- i.e., combining incredulity at the follies of humankind with incredulity at the follies of the right wing. He looks to be pretty new, but I like what he's got there so far. (Of course, for all I know, he could be a she. I suspect I'm engaging in some sexist assumption that the blogger is a guy. Whatever. Just check it out.)
We now return you to your regularly scheduled boredom.
Posted by Christopher at 09:43 AM | Comments (0)LIFE IS BUT A MEME
I don't know why I am always a sucker for this kind of thing... as silly as they are, if you put a meme in front of me I will almost always end up doing it. It's kind of like Eric Cartman and "Come Sail Away"... no matter how hard I try or as pointless as I may think they are, I end up playing along. Anyway, I saw this one on Eden's site over at so anyway... and fell victim to the sinister pull of the meme once again. So here we go...
What color is most reflective of you? Blue. I get the blues. I listen to the blues. Sometimes I even sing the blues. And blue is also the color of the ocean, which is where I feel most at peace.
How did you get the idea for your journal name? Doc christened me. I started this thing under the lame-ass name "Christopher's Take." One day Doc got tired of hearing me bitch about generally everything, and he said, "you should name your blog 'The Chronic Curmudgeon.' Every post you have complains about something. Every conversation you have complains about something. It fits you perfectly." I knew instantly that he was right, and a new site name was born.
What time were you born? 7:07 p.m.
What song are you playing now, or wish you were playing? Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day. It's the song I am currently obsessed with, having succeeded Vertigo by U2. Before that it was Look What You've Done by Jet. Before that it was Break Down Here by Julie Roberts, and before that it was Whiskey Girl by Toby Keith. But now it's Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? I don't know... did Juli Ashton pass away? No, no celebrity deaths have ever made me cry, though I was mighty bummed when Kurt Cobain died.
What color underwear are you wearing? Black. And weren't you all just dying to know that? You sick bastards.
Do you want a baby? After years of having absolutely no urge to procreate (in fact, I rather adamantly opposed the idea), being around the kids of my friends and of women I have dated has kind of made me think it'd maybe be all right. But babies terrify me; I do much better once they get to be about 18 months or older and can actually start communicating with me.
What does your dad do for a living? He's retired, after 21 years in the US Navy (Chief) and 22 more with the US Postal Service. He volunteers a lot now to stay active.
What does your mom do for a living? Works full-time at a bookstore. She used to run a Barnes & Noble back in the day, but the town they live in now is too small for a big chain bookstore.
What is your pet's name? J.D. Salinger Cat ("Sal")
What color are your bedsheets? White
What are the last 3 digits of your phone number? 827 (And it's 8-2-7 on an undercover... cop.)
What was the last concert you attended? Jimmy Buffett at Fenway Park, September 10, 2004
Who was with you? Wouldn't you like to know?
What was the last movie you saw? In the theater, it was "Meet the Fockers." On DVD, it was "I, Robot."
Who do you dislike most at this moment? Toss-up: either Bush, or anyone who actually voted for the criminal.
What food are you craving right now? I'm not. I am sick as a dog with a bad cold and haven't wanted to eat for three days.
Did you dream last night? I must have, but I don't usually remember my dreams.
What was the last tv show you watched? "The Presidents: 1945-1977" on History Channel. Exciting, I know.
What is your fave piece of jewelry? Britney Spears' belly button ring.
What is to the left of you? A purring cat who thinks that when the Old Man fires up the laptop, it's his cue to plant himself in mid-desk on top of anything I am trying to read or writing.
What was the last thing you ate? One half of a bowl of clam chowder for lunch yesterday. I told you, I feel like poo and haven't had an appetite since Wednesday.
Who is your best friend of the opposite sex? Actually, I'm really lucky; many of my really, really good friends are women. Erika, Nancy, Mrs. Doc and Mrs. Tim all tie for first, I guess.
Write a song lyric that's in your head? I walk a lonely road/The only one that I have ever known/Don't know where it goes/But its home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street/On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams/When the city sleeps/And I'm the only one and I walk alone... I walk alone, I walk alone. I walk alone, I walk a... My shadow's only one that walks beside me/My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating/Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me/Til then I walk alone
Who last imed you? Julie in New Jersey.
Where is your signifigant other right now? In bed with someone else, in all likelihood. Hence the whole "ex" thing. I just feel sorry for the someone else.
Do you have a crush? I have a rotating series of them, depending on who I've seen most recently. It's a healthy system. Sometimes I combine them... ah, but we won't go there. (grin)
What shampoo do you use? I rotate them. It goes between Redken All Soft, Paul Mitchell Awapuhi, and Aveda Shampure. Yes, I am a metrosexual. Shut up.
When was the last time you cut your hair? I goofed up and had it cut on New Year's Eve Day just down the road from the Pentagon -- and when you say "short" to them, they think Marines short. I won't need to get it done again until April.
Are you on any meds? Of course! Aren't you?
Do you have a mental disease? You mean the voices don't talk to you too? Yes, I have Bipolar II disorder. And for the record, "disorder" or "condition" are much more polite terms than "disease."
What shirt are you wearing? It's first thing in the morning and I'm sick, so I am just lounging in my black Metallica concert t-shirt.
What time is it? 8:54 a.m.
What color is your razor? Silver and black, Gillette Mach 3.
What is your fave frozen treat? Ben and Jerry's Vanilla w/Heath Toffee Crunch (which they bloody discontinued!), or a good old fashioned vanilla milkshake with whipped cream.
Are you sexy? I'm too sexy for this meme, too sexy for this meme, too sexy's my theme.
What's your favorite shopping store? Blanchard's Liquor? I dunno, maybe Nordstroms, Land’s End, Liz Claiborne for Men, Eddie Bauer, or I suppose I should say Van Heusen right now.
Are you thirsty? Always.
Can you imagine yourself ever getting married? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Wait, let me think about that for a second... okay. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! That's really funny.
Posted by Christopher at 08:55 AM | Comments (0)January 21, 2005
LIST, INTERRUPTED
Okay, I know... no one was really paying much attention to the top TV themes list. And my inbox has not been flooded with hits from people wondering when I would finish the list. This is highly anti-climactic. But when you start something, you should always finish it... so here they are, my top five TV themes ever.
While I am convinced that the 1970s were a dark and barren age for rock (by far my least favorite of any of the rock genres is 70s arena rock), the decade was a golden age for pop. It was also a great decade for TV themes; all five of my top five themes are from shows that aired in the 70s -- though admittedly, two of them began their run in the 60s. We begin with the highest rated theme song from a comedy.
5. The Mary Tyler Moore Show
Discussions of the greatest sitcom ever are kind of like discussing great right fielders; everyone has an opinion about who should be first overall, but you know that Henry Aaron, Frank Robinson and Roberto Clemente belong in the conversation somewhere. With sitcoms, you know that Seinfeld and Cheers will always be in the conversation -- but most often, you hear the Mary Tyler Moore show argued for.
The show manages a trick that very few shows ever can: it captures the spirit of its times perfectly, yet remains classically funny without ever feeling too dated. There are few other shows that scream "1970s" more loudly than this one, a chronicle of the life of liberated single woman Mary Richards and her life at a Minneapolis TV station. And part of MTM's 70s feel is its theme song, a light and bouncy tune that seems to come straight out of the glory days of AM radio. Besides, who wouldn't want to be able to turn the world on with their smile? 35 years (and far too many plastic surgeries) later, it's clear: Mary made it after all.
4. Barnaby Jones
Most 70s cop shows had a number of things in common: they were produced by Quinn Martin, they had a great baritone voiceover at the beginning telling you who was guest starring in this episode and what the name of the episode was... and they had great theme songs. This one is one of the best.
Granted, the premise of the show -- a septuagenarian crime fighter? -- seems ridiculous now... but damn if this theme song doesn't make me believe that the bad guys better start running. Catchy and dramatic, with a great combination of strings, horns, and that scratchy 70s guitar keeping rhythm behind it, Barnaby Jones' classic theme ranks fourth on my all time list.
3. Mission: Impossible
Quick: name me any other TV theme ever that became such a widely recognized cliche, used by others even three decades after the show went off the air to evoke the same suspenseful air that it was originally intended to evoke? You know you can't name one. The theme song to Mission: Impossible was, is, and will always be the song you think of whenever you are either watching or committing some caper where there's a chance of being caught.
The show ran from 1966-1973, but even thirty years later the theme sounds fresh. Lalo Schifrin achieved that rare feat: composing a melody that enters the collective recall of generations born long after its initial run. (And the 1996 remake by Larry Mullin and Adam Clayton of U2 was a great update that helped in the effort.)
2. The Rockford Files
As played by James Garner, Jim Rockford was one of the most likable and believable characters ever to be involved in crime fighting. A private detective who was also an ex-con, Rockford didn't have the answer to everything, got beaten up as often as he beat someone up (something rarely seen to that point), and was an anti-hero in the sense that he wasn't in it for the greater good... he was in each case to get paid. I always had the sense that Jim Rockford would have fit in nicely with the cons' football team in The Longest Yard. Plus, the dude drove like a maniac in his tricked out Firebird. (As a kid, my friends and I used to try all sorts of stupid stunts on our bikes and call them "Jimmy Rockfords" -- until the Dukes of Hazzard came along, anyway.)
The show's opening each week was one of the greatest gimmicks in TV theme history -- Rockford's answering machine going off and someone leaving a message, resulting in a different opening for each episode (a trick the Simpsons would later use to even greater effect). Mike Post's theme song followed each message, and it is a classic, combining a catchy melody, a fun harmonica bridge, and a guitar solo that rocked pretty well for a TV song. The theme went to #10 on the Billboard charts -- a nifty feat for an instrumental. Classic show, and classic theme song.
1. Hawaii Five-O
Need I even say anything? Classic surf-pop from the Ventures, this theme song rocketed to #4 on the Billboard charts in 1968 as the show became an instant hit in its first season. Every time you hear this song, you can see the opening in your mind's eye, with that curling wave and the cheesy zoom shot to Jack Lord turning around on a balcony to face the camera. The theme remains one of the most evocative pieces of pop ever written.
With Hollywood's trend of recycling past TV shows into summer blockbusters, I'd been absolutely shocked that this show hasn't been turned into a movie starring Colin Farrell or George Clooney. Then I saw this article in the Honolulu Star-Bulletin; production is expected to begin this year. I only hope they get Larry Mullin and Adam Clayton to cover this one, and don't leave it to someone like P. Diddy.
So there you have it... my top TV theme of all time. Book it, Dan-O... number one.
Posted by Christopher at 04:48 AM | Comments (0)January 20, 2005
ANYONE SEEN THE DOC LATELY?
I'm just saying. After all... when you read this story, it could be him.
Police are searching for a pistol-wielding robber who stole female leather bondage gear and an inflatable sex doll from an erotica store in Milan Wednesday.
Posted by Christopher at 11:12 PM | Comments (0)THE RETURN OF BIZARRE PENIS STORIES: SHORN IN THE U.S.A.
A perennial favorite has returned to the pages of this site... seems that you can always count on some man, somewhere in the world to do strange things to his own member. But today's installment comes to us not from the Balkans, but from right here in the good ol' US of A.
A 50-year-old Reno man who was hospitalized after he castrated himself told police he learned of the procedure on the Internet and did so to lower his libido.
I think I speak for every man out there when I say, "What the freaking hell?!" You cut off Mr. Happy to make him less peppy? What, you couldn't just think about baseball like the rest of us? Couldn't you just have thought of your mother naked or Hilary Clinton getting it on with Ernest Borgnine or something?
The man, whose name was not released, called 911 at about 1:30 a.m. Monday and asked for help because he could not stop the bleeding from a self-castration operation, police said.
Just a wild hunch, but I am betting that there were drugs involved, huh? But perhaps the biggest prize in this story is this glittering pearl of wisdom offered up by a Reno police lieutenant:
"The man obviously needs some sort of counseling," Reno police Lt. Ron Donnelly told the Reno Gazette-Journal.
Anyone want to bet that the hyper-observant Lt. Donnelly is a detective?
Posted by Christopher at 10:57 PM | Comments (0)DON'T LOOK NOW... IT'S SPONGEBOB QUEERPANTS?
You've gotta hand it to the Christian Taliban... they can find enemies of the Invisible Guy everywhere. Even in children's videos.
Conservative Christian groups accuse the makers of a video starring SpongeBob SquarePants, Barney and a host of other cartoon characters of promoting homosexuality to children.
I knew it! I knew that Bob was a little light in his squarepants, if you know what I mean.
The makers -- the nonprofit We Are Family Foundation -- say the video is designed to encourage tolerance and diversity. But at least two Christian activist groups say the innocent cartoon characters are being exploited to promote the acceptance of homosexuality.
"A short step beneath the surface reveals that one of the differences being celebrated is homosexuality," wrote Ed Vitagliano in an article for the American Family Association.
I'm speechless. Absofreakinglutely speechless.
Does anyone else think that these guys spend just a little too much time looking for hidden gayness in everything? They're like the Kennedy assassination nutjobs -- wanting desperately to believe in a conspiracy so large that it pervades everything, even beyond the point of logic. And heavens to murgatroid... let's not have homosexshals treated like citizens or anything.
Christian groups however have taken exception to the tolerance pledge on the foundation's Web site, which asks people to respect the sexual identity of others along with their abilities, beliefs, culture and race.
"Their inclusion of the reference to 'sexual identity' within their 'tolerance pledge' is not only unnecessary, but it crosses a moral line," James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, said in a statement released Thursday.
Again, I am freaking speechless. A tolerance pledge crosses a moral line? And these are the same people who whine incessantly that their values and beliefs are disrespected by the coastal elites? What you have here is an admission that Christian conservatives' intent is to teach bigotry and prejudice to children from as early as they can understand it.
A tolerance pledge crosses a moral line? Which moral line would that be, pray tell? Would that be the line we find at Matthew 25:40? "Whatsover you do to the least of my brothers, you do unto me?" Sounds pretty tolerant to me. So maybe it would be the line we find at Matthew 23:13? "But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! because you shut the kingdom of heaven against men; for you neither enter yourselves, nor allow those who would enter to go in." Oops, that didn't work out too well either. How about any of those lines about judging not lest ye be judged?
Here's a passage I think this bigoted, hateful man should spend some more time remembering: Mark 7:14-17.
And he called the people to him again, and said to them, "Hear me, all of you, and understand: there is nothing outside a man which by going into him can defile him; but the things which come out of a man are what defile him."
What comes out of a man defiles him... like bigotry and intolerance. As for SpongeBob, it's a freakin' cartoon, for pete's sake. Lighten up, you intolerant jackass.
CENSORSHP VIA CHILLING
First conservatives howled over Janet Jackson's breast... and then kept CBS from airing a biography or Ronald Reagan that didn't sanctify him enough. Then, stations couldn't even air "Saving Private Ryan" on Veterans' Day, for fear of offending conservative sensibilities and inviting punishment by the FCC. Conservative censorship is nothing new; sadly, we're used to it by now. But now it's happening indirectly -- the chill effect many of us predicted has begun in full force, as the entertainment industry begins pre-censoring itself to the point of ridiculousness to avoid running afoul of Michael Powell's puppetmasters.
Take, for example, PBS's upcoming dramatic movie, "Dirty War." This is a fictional depiction of a chemical weapons attack on London. (Aside: so that's where those darn weapons of mass destruction got to... PBS had 'em!) A chemical attack would be brutal, would do great damage to the human body, and require extensive scrubbing down of victims to prevent further injury or damage. This would include the removal of affected clothing and a full scrubbing of the body.
Except in the PBS conform-to-red-state-values version. In this version, a bare human body can't be shown -- even in the context of trying to remove chemical agents from the body.
PBS says it will alter a movie scene to avoid showing the front of a nude woman being scrubbed down after a fictional chemical attack... Extra footage in the movie "Dirty War" will be used that depicts the woman from a more discreet angle... Not only would the always financially strapped PBS put itself at risk, but the scene could deter many of the system’s 170 individual stations from airing an important film.
Think it's ridiculous that a TV station couldn't show the stark realities of a chemical attack out of fear of incurring a fine for offending conservatives? It gets worse.
In the non-HBO documentary "Auschwitz: Inside the Nazi State," airing next week, PBS blurred the image of a naked, emaciated man being used as a human experiment for preparing the gas chambers. The full image was seen when the film was shown in Europe.
So thanks to conservatives, you don't get to see the harsh truth about the Holocaust. Let's just tidy up reality, bit by bit by bit... shall we? This is what got inaugurated on Thursday, friends. This is what we're in for: fear of the human body that is so pervasive that even non-sexual depictions of it will soon disappear.
Posted by Christopher at 10:52 PM | Comments (0)SAYING THANK YOU
On the occasion of W's $40 million dollar party to celebrate his having successfully lied to the American people and sent our military to Iraq under falsified pretenses, I got to thinking.
And what I thought about is how difficult it must be for our fighting men and women to be where they are, doing what they are as well as they are... knowing their commander in chief lied to them. And yet they're still there, carrying out their orders and doing the best they can. These folks deserve our respect and our thanks; whatever any of us think of Bush, his war or the lies he told to start it, I hope we can all agree to support our soldiers and Marines.
So I'm encouraging everyone to stop by this site to send a thank you to our military members. Let's use this day to celebrate some real American heroes.
QUICK UPDATE
Hey everyone... I pick up my new laptop on Saturday, so I should be up and running over the weekend at some point. Thanks for waiting me out while I replace my old system.
Remember... do not spend any money today. It's the only form of protest we have left against the tragedy that is befalling our country today in Washington. The president with the most un-American agenda and belief structure in American history is being inaugurated (history will eventually show, in my opinion, that this election was as rife with fraud as Kennedy's 1960 election in Chicago).
America needs patriots more than ever, my friends. Take today to remember what America really stands for, and keep those ideals and practices at the front of everything you do for the next four years. Those ideals and practices are going to come under heavy attack, so they will need watchful souls to protect them. America and Americanism can survive any threat, whether it comes from outside or from within. So remain resolute. Fight for America and for Americans. Oppose Bush, today and for the next four years.
Posted by Christopher at 09:19 AM | Comments (0)January 13, 2005
VARIATIONS ON SOME THEMES... PART V: #10-#6
As my latest attempt at a serial list-style blog continues to limp toward the finish line, you're in luck -- we've reached the home stretch, the top ten. I'll admit it: I guessed wrong on this one. I saw RetroCrush's list and Pete's list and figured this would be a great idea to start some conversations. Instead, as Tim pointed out in the comments, this appears to be a list that folks just have a hard time getting into. However, I started it, so now I am sort of locked in to finishing it. So here are the first half of my top ten TV themes ever.
10. Hogan's Heroes
War is heck, huh? While I can't say I think it was appropriate to set a sitcom in a POW camp run by Nazis, nor to portray the Nazis as bumbling fools who were somehow lovable underneath, when I was a kid I used to really like this show. The theme song is right up there with the Bridge on the River Kwai song as a jaunty, upbeat, we'll-make-the-best-of-this-uncomfortable-situation anthem... from the marching drums at the beginning to the tuba-and-trumpet laden melody, this is one that just makes you feel like doing an old column-half-right.
Man, the guy who played Sgt. Schulz was Jewish and a Nazi concentration camp survivor. How the hell is that for irony?
9. Dallas
I have a confession to make. No, I never watched Dallas; even when it was popular, I didn't give a rat's ass who shot J.R.. My confession is that in junior high, I was in band. I played the cornet in 7th grade, then switched to the baritone horn in 8th grade. (I quit before 9th grade.) I bring this up because in the middle of all the stupid 8th grade band songs we had to play, we had sheet music for the theme from Dallas... our teacher never let us play it even though everyone wanted to (it was 1982, for heaven's sake -- the show was hip back then!). So one day, when old Mr. Affeldt was out of the room taking a message or something, one of the kids got up to the director's podium, told everyone to turn to Dallas, and began conducting us in an impromptu version. Mr. Affeldt came in 30 seconds later with this huge grin on his face. It remains the only good memory I have of band class.
As for the show, I have nothing good to say about it. I thought it was totally stupid. But it did have a really cool theme.
8. The Twilight Zone
This is one of those themes that makes it onto the list in part due to the coolness of the show it was attached to. The Twilight Zone broke new ground, and to this day some of the best science fiction stories ever done were episodes of Rod Serling's classic series. The theme song not only helped define the show, but has become a cliche -- any time anything strange or inexplicable happens, it's a lead pipe cinch that somebody will start doing the song: "do-doo-doo-doo, do-doo-doo-doo..."
If I ever wrote a song that forty years later still defined any instance of the mood I'd been trying to evoke in it, I'd feel pretty darn accomplished.
7. Doctor Who
But the granddaddy of all science fiction TV themes comes to us from the other side of the Atlantic. Screw the Star Trek themes; the original sounded like some escapee from a bad lounge somewhere was trying too hard to be glamorous, while the Next Generation was too majestic and pretentious to sound like a great science fiction theme.
The Doctor Who theme, on the other hand, conveyed everything science fiction should have: a futuristic feel, a slight sense of mystery, even a little bit of foreboding or eerieness. I don't know if they even still make mellotrons; but if they don't, they should -- just to do more science fiction themes. The mellotron here alone takes the Doctor Who theme all the way up to #7.
6. Twin Peaks
David Lynch is freaking weird, man. That's what made this show so cool. (Profound statement of me, huh?) But the theme... now this is genius. When I hear it, I don't know if you're supposed to get a massage to it, do yoga to it, have a dream to it, or grab a partner and go get it on to it. But this new age song was a forerunner, in my opinion, of what is today's "chill music" -- and is just a freaky cool song. Cool enough to be #6 on my list, and the highest theme on the list from a show that was on the air after the Carter presidency.
Posted by Christopher at 11:58 PM | Comments (0)BORN UNDER A BAD SIGN
Proof that the world is against me, the gods hate me, and that I was in fact born under a bad sign...
Here's what I commented on Tuesday evening regarding my post about the goddess I encountered in my building's laundry room:
"I won't be caught off guard again. Even if I have to do laundry every day for the next month, I will see her again."
Here is the sign that was posted in my building when I arrived home this evening:
"Due to a ruptured pipe and some steam damage, the laundry room is closed indefinitely for repairs. We apologize for the inconvenience."
I kid you not, my friends. I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to. Sing it with me, everyone (click on song #2 in the link):
Born under a bad sign... I been down since I begin to crawl... If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all.
DEFAMATION OF NO CHARACTER
I really had to laugh when I read this one: Don King is suing ESPN for allegedly defaming his character.
The 8-page suit says the May 14, 2004, showing of ESPN's biography segment on King defamed the boxing promoter and strung together false statements that "intentionally and recklessly portrayed Don King in a false light."
Um, Don? It's not really possible for anyone else to defame your character. If ESPN is portraying you in a false light, you should probably be grateful -- anyone portraying you in your real light would have made you sound even worse than ESPN allegedly did.
From his 1967 conviction and prison sentence for beating a man to death in Cleveland, to his decades spent bilking some of the greatest fighters who ever lived, Don King has spent his whole life as a skid mark on the underwear of life. If Don King wants to sue anyone for ruining his name, he should find a mirror.
THE RED STATES' PRESIDENT ENACTS HIS VALUES
Just wanted to spend a few minutes reminding you all of just what kind of a person the red states' president is, and what kind of administration he runs.
Item #1: They're still fighting for the right to torture.
Even as they trot out a newly contrite and restrained Al Gonzalez to promise the Senate that if they confirm him, he won't say torture is okay anymore, this administration is still quietly acting to gut Congressional action that would have restricted the use of "extreme interrogation" by American intelligence.
At the urging of the White House, congressional leaders scrapped a legislative measure last month that would have imposed new restrictions on the use of extreme interrogation measures by American intelligence officers, The New York Times reported Wednesday...
The Senate had approved the new restrictions, by a 96-2 vote, as part of the intelligence reform legislation, the article said. They would have explicitly extended to intelligence officers a prohibition against torture or inhumane treatment and would have required the CIA as well as the Pentagon to report to Congress about the methods they were using, said the report on the Times' Web site.
In closed-door negotiations, four senior members from the House and Senate deleted the restrictions from the final bill after the White House expressed opposition, the Times reported.
Gosh, how proud we can all be. The red states elected a man who believes torture is legitimate.
Item #2: They're bought and paid for by big business.
Just in case you were still wondering which Americans this administration works for, and who's dictating the Bush economic policy and environmental agenda, look no further.
At least 88 companies and trade associations, along with 39 CEOs and top executives -- all with huge stakes in administration policies -- already have donated $18 million toward a $40 million goal for the country's 55th inaugural celebration.
Wall Street investment firms seeking to profit from private Social Security accounts; oil, gas and mining companies pushing the White House to revive a stalled energy-subsidy bill; and hotels and casinos seeking an influx of immigrant labor are among the 44 interests that have each given $250,000 and the 66 that have donated $100,000 to $225,000. And the money keeps pouring in.
Practically all the major donors have benefited from Bush administration policies, especially from corporate and individual tax cuts, deregulation and the new prescription drug benefit that is part of Medicare. Most also stand to boost profits further because of Bush's second-term proposals, which include limiting medical malpractice suits, creating private investment accounts as part of Social Security and making a tax-code revision that is expected to reduce taxes on investments.
Item #3: No Weapons of Mass Destruction
He lied. Plain and simple, George W. Bush lied. And quietly, just before Christmas, even this administration had to admit it to themselves.
Four months after Charles A. Duelfer, who led the weapons hunt in 2004, submitted an interim report to Congress that contradicted nearly every prewar assertion about Iraq made by top Bush administration officials, a senior intelligence official said the findings will stand as the ISG's final conclusions and will be published this spring.
Bush has expressed disappointment that no weapons or weapons programs were found, but the White House has been reluctant to call off the hunt, holding out the possibility that weapons were moved out of Iraq before the war or are well hidden somewhere inside the country. But the intelligence official said that possibility is very small.
He lied. Over and over again, George W. Bush lied. And now, not even his most staunch defenders can deny that fact. There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq when Bush invaded. He told us there were, but there were none. That's a lie, and there's no getting around it anymore.
The only question left for red staters is, why is it that six years ago, a president lying about his sex life was an impeachable offense, but now a president lying about the rationale for a war that has cost us going on $200 billion and more than 1250 American lives -- not to mention tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians -- is not only unimpeachable, but is worthy of a second vote?
Posted by Christopher at 10:39 PM | Comments (0)CROCCODILE FINES
Before I begin, let me make something perfectly clear: I don't like Randy Moss. I can't stand him. I think he is a prime example of everything that is wrong with football -- with sports -- and a grade A, first class jerk. (I know my friend Corey's going to jump all over me now, saying that I am reacting to a public persona and that I don't know the man personally -- which Corey apparently does. Fair enough. But where I come from, when a cop says stop, you stop. And while police bias or pre-judging might explain one arrest, it doesn't explain multiple arrests, over the course of his entire adult life.) Moss' presence on the Minnesota Vikings caused to end my allegiance to the team I had cheered from my childhood onward for more than 25 years.
But all that said, I think the reaction to Moss' faux moon TD celebration last weekend -- both the NFL's reaction and Fox TV's reaction -- are ridiculous, childish, and altogether hypocritical.
First of all, for any employee of Fox TV -- the network of "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire" and "Temptation Island" -- to express moral outrage about anything is the height of phoniness. You mean to tell me, Joe Buck, you have a moral problem with a guy pretending to moon a crowd, but you somehow have less issue with working for a network that put a show on the air whose specific aim was to try and break up engaged couples? Or "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee," where the subject would win money by deliberately lying to her family to convince them she was marrying a complete boor? Please. No one and nothing associated with Fox Television or Fox News has any right to claim moral outrage over anything. Fox is a moral outrage.
As for the NFL's reaction, it's a joke. Eric Barton of the New York Jets delivers a forearm to the head of Chargers quarterback -- after the play was over -- and gets only a $7,500 fine... but Randy Moss pretends to show the crowd his backside, and he gets $10,000? An attempt to take someone's head off after the play nets less punishment than a pretended gesture?
And don't forget that this is the league that runs about 75 commercials for boner inducers. (How could you forget? Between Levitra and Cialis, it feels like every other commercial during an NFL game is for a stiffy.) Twenty warnings about four hour erections per game are okay, but pretending to show a crowd your behind gets you a $10,000 fine?
Unfortunately, the NFL is demonstrating yet another consequence of the rise of the evangelical right. Terrified of the shrill and self-righteous response of the nation's self-appointed morality police, the NFL feels pressured to react to anything that might possibly offend the Taliban. It's just another example of the chill effect that the right wing has enabled.
I'll end this post, however, the same way it began... when Randy Moss got word of his fine today, he responded this way:
Reporter: "Write the check yet, Randy?"
Moss: "When you're rich you don't write checks."
Reporter: "If you don't write checks, how do you pay these guys?"
Moss: "Straight cash, homey."
Reporter: "Randy, are you upset about the fine?"
Moss: "No, cause it ain't [expletive]. Ain't nothing but 10 grand. What's 10 grand to me? Ain't [expletive] … Next time I might shake my [expletive]."
Yeah, that's one classy individual, all right.
VARIATIONS ON SOME THEMES, PART IV: #15-#11
Continuing on with my top 30 TV shows of all time (which is going over like a lead balloon, but I've started it now, so I'm going to finish it, dammit).
15. The X-Files
Remember the promos for this show when it first came out? "Don't... watch it... alone!" It was a great hook -- it got me to tune in. Now when I think about it ten years later, all I think is, "Why not?" Don't get me wrong, The X-Files was good science fiction and an interesting serial, but there were very few episodes that were actually scary. Unless you count the one where Cher was singing at the end. Be that as it may, the theme song is evocative and sets a mood for the show very well -- as well any show in the 90s, in fact, when the art of TV themes practically disappeared. In fact, this is one of only three themes from 1990 or later that even made my list. Just another example of Hollywood losing its creativity.
14. Knight Rider
This one might have finished higher on the list, except for that P. Diddy ended up doing a rap a few years later over a sample of it. By definition, anything that P. Diddy touches sucks. And no, that's not some cultural bias against rap. It's simply that for me to like it, it just has to be good rap -- and P. Diddy is to great rap what the 1910 Fruit Gum Company or Kajagoogoo were to great pop. So nice going, P. Diddy. Thanks to you, this pretty kick-ass theme can't finish any higher than 14. Even when it's from the best show in history to feature a talking car.
13. The Original MTV Music
Once upon a time, children, a new cable TV station signed onto the airwaves with a revolutionary concept: radio on television. The station would play film clips set to popular songs, and people could tune in to watch their favorite acts either perform their songs or act out five minute short stories that may or may not have had anything to do with the song. Fast edits and quick cuts lent the new medium an urgency that had never been seen before -- and bands began to wory about image and look as much as they did their music. A new wave of superstar emerged from the experiment, and pop culture changed forever as advertising followed the editing style and fashion began trying to keep up with the looks they saw on MTV.
I feel the need to explain to you what a music video is, because MTV itself seems to have forgotten the video about twelve years ago. The network now defines the word crap. MTV is like the 45 year old former high school jock with a comb-over do, or the former homecoming queen who stuffs herself into styles from Abercrombie or the Gap -- they were cool once, but long ago lost whatever made them cool and have become a walking joke. But despite having aged miserably and gone corporate, MTV was revolutionary in its day. And the anthem of the revolution was a simple set of guitar chords played over touched-up video of the Apollo moon launch and landing, with Neil Armstrong planting an MTV flag on the moon. I've not been able to find a sample on the Net anywhere, which is a shame. Those few chords were once the sound of a new generation taking over.
12. Land of The Lost
For those of you who didn't grow up in the 1970s in America, you're probably not going to know this one. But any of you who did grow up in 1970s America have huge grins on your faces. Land of the Lost was the best of the Kroft Superstars' Saturday morning kids shows -- a delightfully cheesy piece of low-budget science fiction aimed at the pre-teen set. The premise was impossible -- an earthquake sent a family through a time portal to the time of the dinosaurs. It featured a breed of man-apes speaking pidgin English (the pakuni), evil lizard-men called Sleestak who hissed their nefarious intentions rather than speaking, and of course, cheesy stop-action animated dinosaurs. If they ever tried to remake it now, it would be ruined -- half the fun of the show was how obviously low-budget it was. And the theme song is one of the great campy artifacts of the 70s... "Marshall, Will, and Holly... on a routine expedition.... met the greaaaaat-est earthquake... ever knoooowwwwn." Come on, sing it with me!
11. Hill Street Blues
First of all, this is just a great piece of what I guess one would call the "smooth jazz" genre. But moreover, it has just the right combination of both an upbeat and an almost sad melody... a perfect fit for the first TV cop show that actually gave a somewhat realistic portrayal of cops' lives and jobs. Thanks to Hill Street Blues, we saw cops who didn't always get the bad guy, who were flawed, who had emotions, many who were good at heart despite their flaws, some who were really just not good people at all -- in other words, for the first time, we saw cops who were human. Great show.
Posted by Christopher at 06:54 AM | Comments (0)January 12, 2005
ISN'T IT IRONIC? DON'TCHA THINK?
Ever see one of those stories that you know you shouldn't laugh at, but you do? You know you're going to hell for laughing, but you can't keep the giggles inside? For me, this is one such story. Okay, maybe the story isn't so funny, but you've gotta love the headline.
Amish Teen Electrocuted in Ohio
Of course, it's sad. I know that! Sure is! But oh... how delicious the irony.
Samuel Barkman drove over a power line Tuesday that had sagged down within a foot of the road after separating from a pole, authorities said. The line got stuck in the wheels and stopped the buggy. The boy got out and grabbed the 4,800-volt line in an attempt to remove it from the wheels, the Geauga County Sheriff's office said. He died at the scene.
All right, it is sad. And I know they shun electricity. But if something's hanging a foot off the road, generally I don't drive over it.
Anyone else thinking that this could have been a scene out of Kingpin?
Posted by Christopher at 11:26 PM | Comments (0)ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST
One of the last decent radio stations in the northeast corridor has gone the way of the dodo or DJs who don't have to stick to a playlist created in San Antonio. Washington DC's WHFS 99.1 FM has switched to a Latino format, ending 36 years as an alternative rock paragon.
HFS was a pioneer in bringing alternative music to the airwaves. Even as conglomerate ownership homogenized playlists over the last five years, HFS was still as reliable a maverick as you could find in radio. When I moved to Washington in 1994, I instantly fell in love with the station and its almost pirate feel. It started to move more mainstream by the time I left in 1997, and I have heard friends say for years that it had gone so far "mainstream alternative" that it was no longer what it had once been. But still... for HFS to no longer be an alt-rock station is akin to turning on late night Cinemax and finding religious programming.
WHFS-FM, the Washington area radio station that was a pioneering purveyor of alternative rock to generations of young music fans, did a programming U-turn yesterday by ditching the genre for a Spanish-language, pop-music format that transforms it into the largest Spanish-language station on the local dial.
In an instant, the station abandoned the likes of the White Stripes, Green Day and Jet for middle-of-the-road superstars such as Marc Anthony, Juan Luis Guerra and Victor Manuelle.
I'm sure some folks out there will accuse HFS mourners of cultural bias, though it's not true. And I have enough of a business eye to know that Spanish radio is probably a smart business move. But the old HFS was the last radio station between Providence and Norfolk that showed any kind of independence... and where you could still hear new music that hadn't been given ClearChannel's stamp of approval. And now it's gone.
WHFS was among a handful of stations that developed the album-oriented format: The music was alternative and free-form, featuring such groups as Led Zeppelin, the Who and Yes, but with the occasional bluegrass or other unexpected ditty. Disc jockeys weren't confined to the strictures of a corporate-mandated playlist. They played what they wanted.
Out of this freewheeling approach came the station's music festival, which grew from an offbeat spring event to a nationally recognized bacchanalia that last year drew 65,000 people to RFK Stadium.
I went to two HFStivals during my DC years; it was like Lollapalooza meets the Ringling Brothers. I saw some great bands, got sunburned so badly I blistered, became chemically enhanced, and generally had the time of my life. This truly is the very sad end of an era. Farewell, HFS.
Posted by Christopher at 10:42 PM | Comments (0)HELP IS COMING
You know, when people are flat on their backs, some folks will jump in and give it their all for the greater good. You've gotta admire that kind of dedication. Take these folks, for instance.
A German brothel owner has been so moved by the plight of survivors from Asia's tsunami disaster that she is donating part of her takings from clients.
God, please let her be talking about the money!!!!
"It's not every day you can make a charitable gesture by going to a brothel," said Mercedes Mueller, who is giving five euros ($6.60) of the 39-euro ($51) entrance charge clients pay.
Nope, it's not every day. Maybe I'd be in a better mood if it was every day. Who knows?
Posted by Christopher at 10:10 PM | Comments (0)VARIATIONS ON SOME THEMES, PART III: #20-#16
Once again, please remember that I lifted this idea from Pete over at A Perfectly Cromulent Blog, who in turn lifted it from RetroCrush (who, by the way, is up to #38 on his list). Attribution where it's due. Onward and, uh, upward.
20. Police Woman
I never could figure out why Angie Dickinson got her own show. (Well, yes I can figure it out, actually... it helps to have bedded one president and just about every member of the Rat Pack.) But the main reason that I like this theme song are the first fifteen seconds. Every time I hear it, I think I know where Eddie Van Halen came up with the piano line for "Right Now." Plus, I dig the french horns they put behind the melody on the second time through for extra drama. Now that's a touch you just don't see anymore -- french horns. How many shows today give you additional drama by using french horns? (Or is that freedom horns?) One of the many little touches that have been lost since the 70s. Maybe they were packed away with the leisure suits and pet rocks.
19. Cheers
My dad always told me that every man should have at least one restaurant where the maitre'd knows your name, and at least one bar where the bartender knows your name. All right, maybe it wasn't my dad... it was a guy who works with one of the production companies I use. But while the advice may not be fatherly in origin, it's still sage. Cheers was one of the classic comedies of television, that rare occurance when one of the most popular shows is also one of the most intelligent and smartly written. And the theme song was appropriately inviting, beckoning the viewer to come watch. After all, who doesn't want to go to a place where everybody knows your name?
18. The A-Team
I hate everything about this show and what it represented ... that early 80s, Reaganesque, "we don't have to be reasonable, there's bad guys out there and they need to be shot at," mentality. I think the guys who did Team America: World Police used not only Rambo and Chuck Norris movies for inspiration, but this god-awful TV show as well. Plus, it gave Mr. T a starring role, and no show that does that can be taken seriously. But then again... that Melinda Culea was kind of cute - what ever happened to her? And as it relates to TV themes, I have to admit that this song gets even my blood pumping... one listen, and I'm ready to go kill foreigners like a good red stater. That over-dramatic voiceover at the beginning is a nice touch of gouda as well.
17. Cops
On Pete's site, he says that his reason for putting Barney Miller first was that it was the closest a white kid in Utah was ever going to get to hearing funk. It's good logic, and it's why "Cops" makes my list. It's a stupid show... a perfect demonstration of how trailer parks help prove Darwinism. But this theme song was as close to reggae as a white kid growing up in Minnesota was ever going to get. Okay, so it went on air in the 90s when I had already learned of Bob Marley and the Wailers. But there were other white kids growing up in Minnesota who needed to learn about reggae... and if they got this inoculation while watching white trash run about barefoot and shouting obscenities at the police (or should I say, PO-lice), so be it.
16. Battlestar Galactica
This show was television's cheesy attempt to capitalize on the popularity of Star Wars. And when I say cheesy, I don't mean just because it was derivative. It featured a kid with a robot dog, for chrissakes! At least it didn't take the popular 70s view that in the future, everyone would wear polyester jumpsuits. But Battlestar Galactica did have two things going for it. The first was some kick ass villians known as Cylons (still some of the coolest sci-fi villians ever... screw the 2005 incarnation that look like humans, give me box shaped stormtroopers in chrome suits with one panning red eye). The second was a John Williams-esque classical theme song that evokes adventure, bravery, and grandeur.
Tune back tomorrow for more.
Posted by Christopher at 06:55 AM | Comments (0)CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE LAUNDRY ROOM KIND
I have mentioned before that I live in a very old co-op building, in that the average age of the tenants here seems to be about 87. There is one couple in their 40s down the hall from me, with kids between 16 and 4... but other than that, my building is brought to you by Geritol and the AARP.
When I got home from work tonight, I needed to do some laundry (don't you hate when you've worn that last clean pair of underwear and you have no choice now but to break out the Tide?). I stumbled downstairs and down the hall to the laundry room, loosening my tie and unbuttoning my collar as soon as I set the laundry bag down. I started sorting whites and colors (that's as sophisticated as I get, ladies and gentlemen; no delicates and different fabric types or any of that for me), got the washer going, and then heard a noise behind me. I'm used to the little old ladies coming in every once in a while, so that's what I expected when I turned around.
Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that a bona fide hottie has moved into my building. She was a vision... and was dressed for doing laundry, which means lounging around wear. She looked to be about 30, and had on a very tight little brown t-shirt that almost reached the band of her grey sweats, but not quite -- showed just enough skin to make you realize you could see skin, but nothing more. Brown hair, brown eyes, no ring on the finger (it's one of the first things I looked at)... and if I may be so blunt, a body that could make the sun stop setting. She smiled briefly at me and nodded hello, then turned to her machine and started emptying out her bag.
(Conversation inside Mudge's head: Holy sh**! Wow... okay, Mudge, now's your chance -- you have to say something. Wait! You look like a schlep, you came down here with your tie all undone, your shirt open and your stupid geeky t-shirt visible... you have a five o'clock shadow... you look like a bum. Who cares, once she moves into this building the aging process speeds up -- by tomorrow morning she'll hit menopause. Who cares how you look, you have to say something now before she ages! Okay, what to say... think. Think! Oh sh**, she just noticed you looking at her. Okay, now you have to say something. Well, maybe you don't -- what kind of creep tries to pick up women in the laundry room? You'll be lucky if she doesn't uncomfortably ease her way out of the room and wait till you're gone. Better not say anything. But for the love o'pete, look at her! If you go upstairs before you say anything, you will hate yourself. You have to say something... but you shouldn't say anything... what should I say? What're ya askin' me for, I'm just the stupid voice inside your head! Quit asking me questions and do something before I start saying stuff that'll really f you up! Sh**, what do I --)
"Is it still snowing out?" she asks politely, with a small smile. It's a making-conversation kind of smile and tone, but it's a start; I'll take it. Unfortunately, I didn't take it very far. Most of my contributions to the three minute conversation that ensued were of the one word, grunting variety. I don't think I strung four words of English together until I managed "Have a nice night" as I walked out the door.
Okay, I admit it... I gacked the first engagement. Totally blew it. But this is America -- everybody gets a second chance. And the next tim