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January 29, 2005
SAFE PECKS?
You can't make this stuff up, I swear. This, ladies and gentlemen, is heartland intellect at its finest. They grow 'em smart in Oklahoma, boy... between Toby Keith and State Senator Frank Shurden, I'm surprised the Ivy League hasn't just packed up shop and headed to Tulsa.
The Oklahoma legislature outlawed cockfighting in 2002. It's a horribly cruel activity (I refuse to call it a "sport"); roosters are slashed and pecked to death while people bet on the eventual "winner." Anyone who could enjoy something like this probably does net searches for crime scene photos, and thinks Abu Graib was a hoot.
But ever ready to keep up with the times, Senator Shurden is introducing legislation to once again fill the streets of Oklahoma with cocks. Only this time, they'll be practicing safe pecks.
An Oklahoma senator hopes to revive cockfighting in the state by putting tiny boxing gloves on the roosters instead of razors.
Wait... they have razors on their cocks in Oklahoma? No wonder everyone walks so bowlegged!
He has proposed that roosters wear little boxing gloves attached to their spurs, as well as lightweight, chicken-sized vests configured with electronic sensors to record hits and help keep score.
Roosters in little boxing gloves, huh? Bet the people of Oklahoma are proud that their government is hard at work. Oh well... you know what they say: no glove, no love. Chicken-sized vests... with little electronic sensors? Why am I picturing ring entrances like Apollo Creed in Rocky IV? As for the boxing matches... of course the champion must be Mike Tyson... Chicken.
"It's like the fencing that you see on the Olympics, you know, where they have little balls on the ends of the swords and the fencers wear vests," said Shurden. "That's the same application that would be applied to the roosters."
Okay, we're talking about cocks with little balls on the ends of their swords. On CNN. And in the halls of the Oklahoma Senate. I just wanted to point that out.
