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February 14, 2005
V.D.
I don't find it any coincidence that Valentine's Day and venereal disease share initials.
Let me put it right out there: I hate Valentine's Day (copyright Hallmark, Godiva, and Zales). Always have. True, I hate it more now than ever due to certain bombshells that were dropped right about this time of year, but I've never been a fan. And spare me the platitudes about how I'd feel differently if I were seriously with someone, or if I didn't have bad memories associated with it. To borrow a line from my favorite literary character, Bah! Humbug!
Look -- when I'm in a relationship, if I really need a specified day and reason to do something nice or give "my" woman a gift or two, it bodes pretty poorly for the relationship. If she digs flowers, send 'em on May 15 just because she likes them. If she likes diamonds, get her some earrings or a necklace on October 18 just to see her smile. Don't wait for the commercially prescribed day that you're supposed to do these things! To borrow/paraphrase another line from my beloved Scrooge, "that's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every February 14!" If a couple needs Hallmark to tell them when and how to show affection, they're not going to have to worry about one another that much longer.
However, I'm digressing. The point is that I am not seriously dating anyone this year -- which means that I get to look in smug judgement at all the sickeningly happy couples out there and wish for a single day of amnesty, so I could get away with slapping the snot out of every one of 'em. In fact, I propose that we start a new VD tradition: every February 14, every single person gets to find one couple and paintbrush them three times. Couples owe us anyway... all those tax breaks they get for being married that we never see (given that the government hates single people)... this should be the one shot we get each year to extract a little payback.
And I'd throw an extra kick in the ass to anyone who ever suggested to a single friend that "we have to get you set up with a nice girl/guy..." I'm not talking about the ones who say "you should meet my friend so-and-so, I think you guys would have a lot in common." I'm talking about the folks who just feel the need to see you together with somebody -- anybody... who feel the need to tell you that it's time to get out there again... or that you need to be settled down, or whatever. We all know them, right? The ones who act like you're not complete unless you're with someone? The ones whose first question when you talk to them for the first time in a while is, "Are you seeing anyone?"
The unspoken message behind every such offer is that our lives cannot possibly be as happy if we're not "with" someone. There's something I find very limiting and small-minded about people who are unable to be happy and content unless they're part of a couple, and unable to comprehend that anyone else might be. It's either tremendously condescending of them or tremendously insecure... I mean, you wanna talk about people who take their self-esteem from being part of someone else's identity? Sheesh! Look, relationships aren't a bad thing in and of themselves... but people should be in them when they want to be and when they're ready to be... not because they're supposed to be in one. This is my first completely single VD in a while now, and believe it or not I am fine with it.
There are a couple of VD observances I don't mind, however. Jillian, the e-card you sent me was great -- the only thing that would have been better is if I'd have been able to shoot Cupid with a flamethrower instead of arrows. And then there's this little contest, which I think captures the true spirit of the day.
SYRACUSE, New York (AP) -- Cupid occasionally misses his mark, so a local radio station is running a Valentine's Day contest offering a free divorce.
Now that's a Valentine's Day gift.
