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March 04, 2005
ALL GOOD THINGS...
I've said many times before that I started this blog as writing practice. Somewhere along about the summer of 2003, I realized that the only writing I was doing anymore was business writing, and I got a little concerned about losing my creative edge. I figured that cultivating my own little plot of the Internet, where a select half dozen friends or so could drop by and read -- and push me if I hadn't written anything in a while -- would do the job. I was generally ridiculously happy and optimistic at that time, so it made sense to me.
What's happened since then is that this little community has expanded beyond any expectation I had. I get hits and comments from people all over the country and now even from across the world. I'm no Wonkette or Joshua Micah Marshall, but we do have our dedicated little community here, and it's taken me by pleasant surprise. It's been rewarding to realize that a few people out there who have no idea who I am will make a point of coming by and reading what I've written; that's a gratifying feeling that I've really come to enjoy. And that's why it's going to be so hard to let go.
Beginning tonight, The Chronic Curmudgeon is going on extended hiatus. I have a self-imposed blogxile in mind until Memorial Day at the earliest. I'd like to remain on your blogrolls at least until then, but I'll understand if you send my link to the round file. For those three or four of you who are not breathing a sigh of relief but are actually curious, there are a few reasons why I'm doing this; I offer those explanations below.
1) I'm becoming unoriginal. You know, when this was just something I was just doing to practice writing, it didn't matter what I wrote. I could put anything up here and it wouldn't matter, because the only ones who might see it were the Doc, Tim, the now-Ex, and a handful of others. But then this thing sort of took off, and I stopped being Christopher here; I became "The Mudge" -- complete with readers stopping by not because they knew me but because they actually wanted to see what I had to say. That's a cool thing, but it comes with some pressure: in my mind, if people are going to give me the honor of reading my stuff, I owe you the respect of making sure that it's stuff worth reading.
I don't feel like I've done that much lately. I've gotten repetitive. It's fine to dislike and reject Bush, the extreme right, and conservatives in general -- actually it's more than fine, it's a moral obligation for every American. But only someone with a lot more energy than me can keep hating them that intensely and still be articulate and original, day in and day out. (I suggest JoFish at the Democratic Veteran, Jillian and her crew at Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, or the Political Site of the Day for these articulate rants.) It's fine to offer pithy observations at the news or slice of life kind of essays, but I've been getting lazy in my observations and I've not focused on life enough to be slicing it much. (Pete over at A Perfectly Cromulent Blog writes the blog I wish I did in that vein; Corey over at The Cynic also has a fine blog where sports, entertainment and general musings are concerned.) I'm not saying I've "lost it" and will never find that original voice again -- to the contrary (more on that in a second). I just think I've gotten lazy and need to recharge my batteries a little.
2. This blog's keeping me from focusing. The whole point of writing practice is to keep your keyboard sharp for that day when you finally sit down to write the Great American Novel That Also Sells 3 Million Copies, Gets Optioned For Movie Rights, And Makes You Rich Beyond Your Dreams. But when your practice keeps you from actually getting in the game, you're doing something wrong. I told you at the beginning of 2005 that one of my resolutions was to finally sit down and start writing. I've got anywhere from eight to a dozen solid ideas for novels, stories that I have inside that are just asking me to tell them. But I haven't pursued any of them -- and that's got to change.
Recently, friends have been stepping up the pressure. Doc and Tim have been chastising me with increasing insistance that "it's time" for me to do this; each of them have seen a couple of my ideas and tell me that I'm crazy if I don't write them into a book. And an unexpected source -- a friend from my office who I never really knew believed in me so much -- said something about two weeks ago that I haven't shaken. "Why are you not writing your book?" she asked. "Because once you do, you're out of here. You'll get published. You'll be huge. We all know it; we all talk about it, that if you ever get off your ass and do it, you'll never look back and we'll be bragging that we knew you when."
You know, that's the kind of thing that I tend to dimiss when it comes from my closest friends... of course they think it, they're my friends. They have to. But when it comes from someone who you don't realize even reads your non-work stuff... and when she insists that "everybody" who knows me is just sort of waiting for me to do it... well, that's kind of a club over the head. And when you're spending 90 minutes to 2 hours every night surfing for things to blog about and then writing your posts, that's 90 minutes to 2 hours that you're not writing your novel.
3. Mid-Life Crisis/Burnout. I joked about it when my back went to hell, how when things start breaking down due not to injury but simply to age, it's time for the mid-life crisis. I was only sort of joking. And things like this story don't help... the average male in the US lives 74.8 years now -- which means that once you hit 37.4 years, your life's half over. I'll be looking at that happy little milestone later this year. And as I've been obsessing and scaring myself about the mileage I've accumulated, I've been looking back on the first half and at where I am today... and I give it a 78, but I can't dance to it. There's a lot that I like about where I am in my life now, but there are a lot of things I need to change.
In the beginning of this post, I told you that when I started this blog I was generally ridiculously happy and optimistic. If when you read that you thought that it didn't sound like me, you're right. It doesn't. Things happen the way they do for a reason and I'm better off... but in the year since Ex acquired her current title, I have not only brooded and pouted about that whole situation, I have allowed that mindset to take everything else over -- so that even long after I stopped caring about Ex, that pissed off/miserable outlook remains. Some of that is simply being a frustrated writer who's not doing what he feels he was meant to do, but much of it is just in attitude. I think part of the reason I still am so wistful about my Florida life is that when I give myself the chance, I actually like being happy better than being grouchy -- and Florida represents the last time I was really happy. It's time to do something to get that outlook back -- and there are very specific things I can do.
So the next few months are going to be dedicated to making some serious changes -- doing things I should have done a long time ago, and that I have no valid excuse for not doing now. The time I have been spending blogging is going to now go toward these changes. I'm gonna drop some weight; maybe not all the pounds that would be healthiest for me, but I'm gonna drop something. I'm going to finally start eating right and taking care of myself -- to steal from Jimmy Buffett, I'm going to start treating my body like a temple and not a tent. I'm going to focus my energies on finding ways to help my company from someplace other than New York, because it's time to move... this year. And if that's not possible, well, that also tells me something.
And, most importantly, I'm going to write. I'm going to write a couple of pages every day. I'm going to flesh out plots, draw out characters, take them places or let them take me where they want to go. I'm going to put myself a little closer to the day when you'll all be walking through the airport, pass W.H. Smith and see books with my name on them on display... and you'll pass them by, going "been there, read that, bookmarked the blog." ;-) And once I start getting a few chapters done, I'm going to put them up on this site or maybe another one I start just to get the assistance of a built-in community of editors and critics. (That'd be all of you guys, for those whom I've long since bored to sleep with all this self-indulgent tripe.) I trust your opinions. I'd be interested in getting your thoughts once I have some stuff down, and I hope to engage some of you in that process soon enough.
So that's where I'm going, my friends. I know, it's crazy to walk away now, once I've finally built up an audience and gotten some attention... and if I do start up again, I may never get the readership back once I go. But this is something I need to do. I've truly enjoyed getting to know you all, either in the comment fields here, through your own blogs, or in e-mail exchanges. And I'd like very much to stay in touch with you if you're so inclined. Jill, Corey, Mike, Mileah, MG, Pete, Eden, Brian Seadogs, McRob, and all the other new friends I've made through this blog, this means you. (And for those of you whole already knew me in real life, you know where to find me.) Please feel free to contact me any time:
e-mail: thechroniccurmudgeon@hotmail.com
AOL IM: ChrnicCurmudgeon
Once again, thank you, each and every one of you who's ever read anything here; I'm grateful to you. (The Doc told me that this is the part where I should put in a shameless plug that bound copies of this blog are available through BlogBinders for a small fee... I tend to doubt that anyone would shell out $14.95 for a book of this site, but then I doubted that anyone would ever come read my schlock either, so I'll humor him by mentioning it. Let me know via e-mail if you're interested in The Best of The Chronic Curmudgeon.)
I'll come back around Memorial Day and update you on where things stand... maybe I'll have made enough progress in these changes and on my own writing that I'll feel like blogging again -- and after three months, you know I'll have rediscovered something original to say! Or, maybe I'll decide that The Mudge has had his time and it's best to keep Christopher writing from here on out. Either way I hope to stay in touch with as many of you as possible.
Thank you, and good night.
