« Judgement Call | Main | Katrina Latrina »
September 06, 2005
Friendship... the Curmudgeon Way
Among the things quickest to metaphorically turn my stomach into a churlish, wretching mess are those cheesy, Hallmark-moment styled "friendship" e-mails. You know them; someone's victimized you with one before. They start out with some over-sentimentalized maxim about friends being the most important thing on earth, and then proceed through a pablum-laced top ten list of wonderful things about your friends. They usually end with some reference to God, and an exhortation that you should send the note along to ten of your friends as well to remind them that you (and God) love them. In my head, these things are the digital equivalent of a Precious Moments doll - and exposure to all that sap makes my skin break out in hives. And in general, if the best way for you to express friendship with me is some drippy, faux sentimental, pre-written (by somebody else, no less) set of e-mail talking points... well, let's just say I'm not expecting I'll see you at my next wedding or holiday party.
So when I got an e-mail recently from a friend of mine in DC who is (thankfully) not usually prone to such displays of precalculated sugary sweetness, I was momentarily shocked. There it was in the subject line: "Friendship." And before I opened it, all I could think of was, "He's gotta be dying. There's no other explanation. Because if he's not dying -- if he has turned into a 13 year old girl right before my eyes -- I am never going to let him forget this."
When I opened it, he'd written one sentence in front of the chain mail: "[Mudge], I read this and immediately thought of you." I started sharpening my mental knives for the IM onslaught I was going to unleash on him ("What, do you have a Leonardo DiCaprio poster on your wall too? Keeping a diary now about that dreamy boy in 5th period algebra?"). But when I read it, I knew exactly why he thought of me and why he sent it. And so my friends, here it is: A friendship chain mail... Curmudgeon style.
A TRUE FRIEND
Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound like Hallmark cards, and never come close to reality? Well, here is a more realistic series of promises that speak to true friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again, I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why, you ask? Because you are my friend. Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel!
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two.
Comments
This is truly funny, dude.
Posted by: Brent at September 6, 2005 08:59 PM
good one!! had a great laugh in between as well
Posted by: Samantha Graham at August 1, 2006 08:05 AM
