The Chronic Curmudgeon

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October 21, 2005

Overpopulating the World... One Ignroant Redneck At A Time

Thanks to Eden for linking to this -- one of the funniest columns I've read in a while, and one whose sentiment I couldn't agree more with. I'm sure you've read/heard about that idiotic redneck couple down in Arkansas (where else could they be?) that has set about becoming personally responsible for trying to increase the world's population by another billion. The Duggar Family (hmm... sounds kind of like the Manson Family, doesn't it) just whelped its 16th child from the same mother. (No word on whether it's her husband, brother, uncle or son who's responsible for knocking her up this time.) Well, Mark Morford of the San Francisco Chronicle has trained his considerably acerbic sights on this couple and the mindset that leads to people like them... with heavily saracastic, hysterical result.

If I re-pasted every great line from this column, I'd end up pasting so many excerpts that I'd need to go to a "click here for more" link in order to not take up too much real estate on the main page here... so I'll lead with his angry and dead-on conclusion. That's the part I'm endorsing most strongly -- his denunciation of these idiots and the mindset that massive overbreeding is God's wish. That's the part I want people to see even if they don't click through to read this guy's great funny lines throughout the rest of the column.

Note to Michelle Duggar: If God wanted you to have a massive pile of children, she'd have given your uterus a hydraulic pump and a revolving door. Stop it now.

Ah, but this is America, yes? People should be allowed to do whatever the hell they want with their families if they can afford it and if it's within the law and so long as they aren't gay or deviant or happily flouting Good Christian Values, right? Shouldn't they? Hell, gay couples still can't openly adopt a baby in most states (they either lie, or one adopts and the other must apply as "co-parent"), but Michelle Duggar can pop out 16 kids and no one says, oh my freaking God, stop it, stop it now, you thoughtless, selfish, baby-drunk people.

A-freaking-men, man. Preach on, brother Morford. I like children. Many of my friends have children. I'd like kids myself at some point (if I ever decide to stop being one, that is). But what these Cletuses have done isn't about liking children. It's about having some serious wires loose. I'd like to formally and officially petition the US government that not one dime of my tax money should go to any social services these irresponsible yokels are sucking up. Hell, use all of my money for bombs and I'd still feel ethically better than encouraging crap like this.

But I have to tell you... the rest of the column masks that anger in some absolutely hysterical lines, man. Just one example, about their family picture...

.... this might be the most disquieting photo you see all year, this bizarre Duggar family of 18 spotless white hyperreligious interchangeable people with alarmingly bad hair, the kids ranging in ages from 1 to 17, worse than those nuked Smurfs in that UNICEF commercial and worse than all the horrific rubble in Pakistan and worse than the cluster-bomb nightmare that is Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise having a child as they suck the skin from each other's Scientological faces and even worse than that huge 13-foot python which ate that six-foot alligator and then exploded.

Great stuff, man. Great stuff. He's got great one liners about how they're naming these kids, and about how scary it is that this mindset seems to only afflict three-toothed red-staters... and he's got a really funny sacrastic call for some good left-coasting, blue-stated, thinking types to start matching these folks brood for brood to equalize the voting blocks later on. It's one of the funniest columns I have read in a while -- all while making an outstanding point. Read it here.

Posted by Christopher on October 21, 2005 02:57 AM

Comments

Posted by: Linkmeister at October 21, 2005 03:11 PM