The Chronic Curmudgeon

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November 13, 2005

$310 Million Reasons To Love Me

Here in New York, the local national lottery is MegaMillions. In other states, you might play the Powerball, but here we play MegaMillions. Tuesday night's lottery drawing in MegaMillions is now up to $310 million dollars. For those of you living in MegaMillions states who were considering purchasing tickets, I really have to advise that you not. Because I'm going to win. By myself.

I've gotten kind of tired of working for a living*, so I've decided to win the lottery and spend the rest of my years living out a spoiled, pampered bonbon existence on that $310 million. But out of fairness to you, so that you'll feel better about losing the lottery to me, I've decided to share with you some of the things I'm going to do with that $310 million. Sort of as a public service. Isn't that swell?

I'm going to buy some Scotch tape. Lots of it -- like 427 rolls of it. You can never have enough Scotch tape. Like if you were going to mail a letter but the stamp didn't stick on the right way. It's also good as an emergency lint brush, or for putting on your cat's tongue. I'm going to buy everyone who reads this blog a box of macaroni and cheese. Generic brand though, not the Kraft stuff; there's no reason to be extravagant just because I have $310 million dollars.

I think it would be neat to have this villa in Spain, just because I've always wanted to be one of those pricks who says things like, "this past summer, when I was at my villa in Spain..."

I'm going to go on eBay and buy every piece of toast, potato, or grilled cheese sandwich that has an image of Jesus somehow miraculously emblazoned upon it. Then I would use some of my $310 million to open the Museum of Everyday Jesuses somewhere in Oklahoma or Alabama, and would advertise on the Christian Broadcast Network, PAX TV, and on reruns of 7th Heaven. I would do this because the only thing better than having $310 million would be having $350 million; people gave Oral Roberts $8 million to not die, so getting them to shell out $12 ($8 for seniors, $6 for children) to see a scorched piece of bread or a misshapen potato is not a stretch.

I'm going to get a lifetime subscription to Highlights magazine, because I can't get enough of that zany Goofus and Gallant. I'm going to buy a ten gallon drum of Drakkar Noir so I can fit in whenever I go to the Jersey Shore.

I'lll give my alma mater, Boston University's College of Communication, enough money to name the student lounge after me, or at least a memorial stairwell. Then I'd go to the Gap store in Kenmore Square and try and get my money back from that time in 1998 and when Damian, Dave and I bought $400 of clothes in 10 minutes, because they should know better than to sell to guys who obviously have the munchies. If they won't give me my money back, I'll buy the store and fire the manager.

I like thumbtacks, so I'll buy lots of those. I also think there's going to be a run on sporks, so I'm going to horde them and make thousands of spork-crazed consumers pay me double, triple, or even quadruple their original price. With what the oil companies got away with post-Katrina/RIta, my spork-gouging should be a non-issue for the Federal Trade Commission.

I'm going to buy a dream house in the Caribbean -- maybe "the Stargazer" on this page, because I've always wanted my own desalinization plant -- and a yacht, and spend my days being Jimmy Buffett, only fatter and with less talent. Or maybe I'll just walk the earth, like Caine.

Anyway, the point is that I'm going to win that $310 million, and you're not, and I wanted to make sure you knew it would be well spent in my hands. I promise not to let it go to my head when I get rich. But you're still going to have to pay me handsomely for sporks.

* admittedly, there are cool parts about working... like seeing yourself quoted on CNN's website... anyone who knows my real identity and does a Google News or a Technorati search on me today could see moments 14:59, 14:58, anf 14:57 of my fifteen minutes...

Posted by Christopher on November 13, 2005 07:17 PM

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