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November 08, 2005
Give Me an O! Give Me A ...
Today, I saw the greatest story ever. Period. End of sentence. Greatest. Story. Ever.
TAMPA, Fla. - Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested at a bar where witnesses told police the women were having sex in a restroom stall, angering patrons waiting in line. Renee Thomas, 20, of Pittsboro, N.C., and Angela Keathley, 26, of Belmont, N.C., were taken to Hillsborough County Jail early Sunday. Witnesses said the women were having sex with each other in a stall at the club in the Channelside district.
Talk about your fantasy football! This is like, the plot line to half the movies I've ever ordered on pay per view.
The peculiar (or perhaps unpeculiar) thing about this story was the universal reaction. As URLs flew around instant message and e-mail yesterday, the standard line that accompanied them, from every guy I knew (and even a couple of the women) was to the effect that "this is the best story ever," with follow-on remarks of varying degrees of salaciousness. Between the whole cheerleader thing, the two women thing, and the wanton bathroom thing, this one was a guaranteed Technorati top ten (it's at #8 right now). Men are pretty much predictable, aren't we?
Asking a straight man to explain our fascination with the two-girl thing is like asking a woman to explain why she needs 30 pairs of shoes. If you have to even ask, you'd never get it -- and besides, it's not really possible to articulate it. We can't explain it. But it's as universal a thing with guys as not asking for directions. Get two attractive women together , and we stop everything, locked in like deer in headlights, with eyes glazed over, mouth agape and drool trickling from the corners of our mouths. Make it two cheerleaders, and this story goes from a 'news of the weird' zero to adult movie plot sixty in 2.75 seconds. The fact that they probably weren't wearing their uniforms at the time doesn't ever enter into the mind, either; the cheerleader outfit is part of the mental image most of us got when we saw the story (he said, trailing off into a far-away look)..
It's probably offensive to gay women, this fascination straight men have with lipstick lesbians. (Actually, the term would much more appropriately be "lipstick bisexuals," since for the fantasy to work, we actually need to stand a chance of being there or getting invited to play along.) It certainly doesn't go the other way; I don't hear straight women obsessing over the idea of watching two men together. There's probably a double-standard at work in here too, in that I seriously doubt that had either of the women been caught having sex with one of the male players, there would have been near the sensational national coverage that there's been. (I do think that if they'd still started punching people outside the bathroom and got themselves arrested, they still would have been fired; the Panthers team was pretty much forced to fire them over the arrests and assaults, regardless of the gender of those in the hook-up.) I also feel bad for the women involved, on some level at least; I'm not sure that any of us -- gay or straight or bisexual -- would care to have the salacious details of our sexual escapades become national news and blog fodder.
But all these logical, pensive reactions to the story... well, throw 'em out the window. I'm a straight guy, which means that when I see a story about two cheerleaders walking into a bar and hitting the bathroom for a little nookie, I start giggling like Beavis and Butthead, with visions of cheerleaders acting out one of my favorite adult plots.
Best. Story. Ever.
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Comments
This reminds me of that joke where two chearleaders walk into a bar...
Posted by: The SpinMD at November 9, 2005 09:48 AM
And the story/fantasy just keeps getting sweeter: Penthouse is offering them cash to pose nude. Story link here:
Posted by: The SpinMD at November 9, 2005 10:05 AM
It's kind of sad that they get arrested for that, and that happens basically every weekend on college campuses around the world,and no one calls the cops.
Posted by: Sarah at November 11, 2005 12:40 PM
This kind of thing happens every weekend on college campuses? Chicks in bathrooms?
Man, I gotta stop this work stuff and go back to school! ;-)
Posted by: Curmudgeon at November 11, 2005 10:43 PM
