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June 29, 2006
Glass Half Over
When I was a kid, I thought that I wanted to be Carlton Fisk when I grew up. For a while in my late teens and early 20s, I wanted to be Joe Elliott. Then, I was going to be John F. Kennedy or Robert Kennedy. Then, I was going to be F. Scott Fitzgerald. Needless to say, I ended up being none of them. I'm just me.
At some point in the past month, I quietly turned 38. Very few people knew, and those who did are close enough to me that they knew better than to make much of a fuss. So they didn't. Which I am happy about. It was just a day, really. That's how I've always preferred it: no one saying anything, no one doing anything, no one even knowing. It's just a day. (To the point that I do not tell people, until they've become very, very good friends, when the actual day is. I'm fine with other people's birthdays, but we will not celebrate or acknowledge mine. In the context of this post, we're mentioning it because it was cause for self-reflection... and for no other reason.)
Wow. I am now 38. The average male in the United States lives to be about 74.8 years. So now there's no even fudging with numbers; if I am an average American male, my life is now officially half over. For a number of notable people -- Charlotte Bronte, Sam Kinison, George Gershwin, Malcolm X, Dennis WIlson, and John F. Kennedy Jr., to name just a few -- 38 proved to be not half time but the final buzzer. It makes one think, anyway.
It's perhaps fitting with my glass-half-empty, curmudgeonly persona that instead of looking at the things I have done or accomplished -- and there are quite a few things I ought to be justifiably proud about -- I have instead been pondering all the things I haven't done, or all the failures. No need to go into them all, or the greatest regrets that I have; even someone with a public blog has to keep some thoughts to himself. But I did a lot of thinking while I was in Europe about my life to date, the life I always thought I'd have or that I thought I wanted, and the things I wanted to do with myself.
If I were judging myself on the aspirations of my youth, I'd find myself lacking, I suppose, having never become any of those guys I once thought I'd be. And the domestic route proved not to work out for me, I guess, as well... the whole Mrs. Mudge concept... not so good; and there are no mini-Mudges running around being trucked to soccer practice or getting sent to their rooms or being helped with their homework; at this point I am inclined to believe that there never will be. Which is okay, because for the most part I still behave and live as if I were a kid myself (well, except for the fact that I can't stay out all night anymore). As for my creative side, generally when creative types "sell out," they do so to get rich. I sold out to corporate-dom, but I'm sure as hell not rich, and it's clear that they'll never make me rich -- which sometimes makes me wonder just what it is that I sold out to or for.
Yeah, if I were inclined to dwell on things at the halfway mark, I might not be so chipper. But you know what? On Broadway, the first number after intermission is always the showstopper. The opening of Act II is in many shows the biggest moment of the musical. I see no reason why that can't be the case in life as well.
When one observes one's life and finds it lacking for any reason, there are two options. You could become depressed/saddened by all that you haven't done, don't have, or miss. Or, you can proactively take the actions required to make the changes you'd like to see.
It's going to be a fun year.
Comments
Well, happy birthday anyway. I just turned 37 and I have been having similar thoughts. I also have this overwhelming urge to watch American Beauty again. What is up with that?
Posted by: Seadogs at June 29, 2006 07:50 AM
As long as you stay out of the shower, I say watch whatever you want, SD. ;-)
And happy birthday to you as well.
Posted by: Curmudgeon at June 29, 2006 08:02 AM
For a while in my late teens and early 20s, I wanted to be Joe Elliott.
Dude...early 20s?
I'm right there with you on the age thing, or will be later this year. Happily, I've been pretty free of introspection for most of my life. I'm hoping I can keep ignoring the reality of my mortality until I'm inevitably stomped to death by Cubs fans.
Posted by: Pete at June 29, 2006 09:06 AM
Happy Birthday mudge
Posted by: usefulguy at June 29, 2006 10:41 AM
When I was 10, I wanted to be an actress.
When I was 15, I wanted to be a writer.
When I was 17, I wanted to be a lot like you.
Now I'm almost 19, and I think I'm pretty set with whatever I turn out to be.
Unless I turn out to be a waste disposal worker. Or a senator. One of those two, and I'll be a gross dissappointment.
Point being, I really really really really really like this post.
Posted by: A Disturbingly Cynical College Student at June 29, 2006 12:33 PM
P.S.
My dad still wants me to talk to you about possible careers I can have with an english major, especially with my new direction into making other people look good.
Posted by: A Disturbingly Cynical College Student at June 29, 2006 01:01 PM
My dad still wants me to talk to you about possible careers I can have with an english major
Can you mix drinks?
Posted by: Pete at June 29, 2006 02:00 PM
Hey Pete.
Johnny Carson was an English major.
So was Paul Newman.
Kris Kristofferson.
Who are you?
Posted by: A Disturbingly Cynical College Student at June 29, 2006 02:06 PM
I'm sure you're a very intelligent person, seeing as I've been informed you are, in fact, an english major.
Way to go, buddy, way to go.
Posted by: A Disturbingly Cynical College Student at June 29, 2006 02:14 PM
Kris Kristofferson could write lyrics. Johnny Carson was brilliant at finding humor in failed situations. Paul Newman was the best looking man of his time.
As most English majors don't have Newman's looks, Carson's humor, or Kristofferson's poetry to fall back on, I think the recipe for a good cosmo or mojito is a good Plan B.
Where do I sign up?
Posted by: Curmudgeon at June 29, 2006 02:14 PM
A few months ago I turned 59. Didn't bother me a bit! All I could think of was, 'next year I'll be 60! Next year I'll be 60! How the heck did that happen?'
Your accomplishments at your age far outweigh mine at my age.
Make you feel any better?
Posted by: curmymom at June 30, 2006 07:05 PM
I agree with Curmymom, 'mudge: you far outweigh a lot of things ;-) There are people a helluva lot of people who are less successful (or satisfied with their lot in life) than you. People who have to fly commercial, who don't tour Europe, who can't put a noun and verb together gracefully, who only date within a decade of their age...well, you get the point. Sure the male stripper thing didn't work out for you (except for that stunt double role you had for Chris Farley when he did the Chippendales segment with Patrick Swayze), but you're a great writer and an overall good guy.
Posted by: The SpinMD at July 4, 2006 07:36 PM
