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June 06, 2006
Happy Evil Day!!!
As it's impossible not to know by now, today is 6-6-06. As in 6-6-6, the number the superstitious of the world seem to honestly believe as the number of the Anti-Christ. So in theory, today is Evil Day.
The sad and pathetic Hollywood remake of 1976's classic "The Omen" opens today. In the movie, a couple is tormented by bearing the son of the devil. In the sad and pathetic real world, there are reports of pregnant women taking drastic steps to avoid giving birth today and thus inviting the same fate.
Dolores Huhn is nine months pregnant, and says as a Christian she feels protected from 666. "I mean there's some evil associated with that number of course," she said. But ask her husband Jesse, and he'll tell you he doesn't want a delivery day tainted by Satan... "I'm hoping that the baby is not born on that day," he said. "Because that's the mark of the beast, man."
Seems to me that, had Satan done the nasty with your wife and sired an unholy offspring, the least of your worries would be which specific day the child was born on. I mean, the Beelzebaby would still be in there, just waiting for a different day to be born. And there's still that whole issue of the devil and your wife making like Paris Hilton. I mean, how do you get that image out of your head and try to move forward in the relationship? I mean, you just know that Satan's gotta be hung like John Holmes, right? How do you think he scores chicks in the first place? You know what they say about guys with big horns...
Anyway, I'm firmly of the belief that the devil's already here. He lives in this big white house in Washington DC. So I'm not all that worried about any child with odd birthmarks coming today. How much more damage could such a child do than has already been done?
With that in mind, here's like this totally awesome list of the top ten Evil things in the modern pop culture world.Here are the top ten evidences of Satan's work here on earth:
10. American Idol. I've already made my feelings known about this show.
9. The whole rock star-supermodel thing. Please... like Ric Ocasek belonged in the same room with Paulina Porizkova? Like Mick Jagger shouldn't still be a virgin at 64 with that face? And yet, it happens over and over again. (Hey wait... why'd I quit singing with the band again?)
8. Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant. If you're really worried about Satan's spawn, here's where to look.
7. Jennifer Lopez. A low class, bad-'tude, Jerry Springer reject turns a decent ass into a multi-million dollar career?
6. The fact that Alabama gets electoral votes. Maybe that whole "literacy test" thing wasn't such a bad idea. Today, no one in 'Bammy would get anywhere near a hanging chad.
5. Roseanne. Ok, so the reference is more than a decade old now, and she's faded into obscurity. But for a time, she had the #1 TV show in America -- and Satan still laughs mockingly in our directions for having pulled that one off.
4. Rush Limbaugh You just know that from somewhere down below, Father Coughlin is high-fiving Satan and saying, "We're ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-ck!"
3. Pauly Shore, Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville, Larry the Cable Guy. The Four Horsemen of the Lowest Common Denominator/Low Class Unfunny Apocolypse.
2. K-Fed. How in the hell did this trailer park reject with at least 11 guaranteed future appearances on "Cops" manage to marry and perpetually impregnate America's hottest other trailer park reject? Federline, your soul's gonna burn for taking what was mine.
1. Ann Coulter. Sure, I could have gone the easy route and named the entire Republican regime as evidence of Satan's handiwork. Between Bush, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfeld, DeLay, Lay, Dobson, Bauer, Wolfowitz, Feith, and Bill O'Reilly, you can't swing a stick without hitting a likely spawn of Satan among prominent conservatives. (Though if you want to swing sticks at conservatives, who am I to counsel you against it?) But it's so much more fun to point out that shrill, screeching, harpie -- who looks like Jack Skellington from "The Nightmare Before Christmas" -- as carrying the unholy blood of Lucifer coursing through her veins. Her name is Legion.
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Comments
you should redo your K-Fed paragraph in green.
Bill O'Reilly deserved to be on your list more than Coulter IMHO. His bully pulpit is more influential.
Finally, no George Steinbrenner?
Posted by: Marquette Hoops at June 6, 2006 09:20 AM
BTW, Ebert and Vonder Haar disagree with your assessment of 'The Omen'.
both reviews are worth a read
Posted by: Marquette Hoops at June 6, 2006 09:38 AM
Argh, I was going to let you rip into Johnny Knoxville until you decided to proclaim your undying desire for Britney Spears. He's got a few screws loose (all of them) and he does appeal to the lowest common denominator, but as ringleaders of bands of crazy folk go, he is hot. as. hell. And I'm willing to bet, damn good in... um... I think he'd be a lot more creative in doing what I am trying to convey, so finishing off this sentence with "in bed" doesn't really serve my point.
Posted by: Jill at June 6, 2006 02:11 PM
Jill, tell me that you're not into Johnny Knoxville?! Please?!
Posted by: Curmudgeon at June 6, 2006 11:42 PM
Coulter is a superb choice. Well done. BTW, did anyone notice that the ANGELS played the DEVIL rays on 6-6-6? Not surprisingly, Angels triumphed.
Posted by: Scott at June 7, 2006 09:19 AM
Britney Spears is butt-ass ugly, not to mention stupid.
If you were "K-Fed," you would ride this rollercoaster for as long as you could, just as he is.
Of all the women in Hollywood to lust after, you pick the modern day Madonna wannabe. I, and probably you, have more talent than Britney Spears.
You used to write about chicks who are actually hot like Liz Phair, now it just Britney Britney Britney.
Get over it.
Posted by: Cuzin Jose at June 8, 2006 12:31 AM
Liz Phair is dating someone with actual talent and usefulness in this world (John Cusack). I can live with that (although if they ever split up, Liz is welcome to call me for comfort).
But - and here's the thing - the whole K-Fed/Britney faux obsession thing I do here is ... wait for it... a gimmick. It's a way to poke fun at myself (we've all read the jokes in the comments here about me and younger women); it's a way to joke on the trailer park rejects that are K-Fed and Britney, and sure, it's a way to goof on the fact that she is, after all, kinda hot despite being trash. But it's like doing a recurring character on SNL; I goof on this as an in-joke.
As for K-Fed, I have no respect whatsoever for anyone -- male or female -- who allows themself to willingly leech off another human being without bringing anything to the relationship. He's so obviously a no-good, using bum that it infuriates me. (I have a friend in the same situation with her husband -- he doesn't keep a job for more than a month at a time, and doesn't feel compelled to because she has a job and she pays for everything), and I have the same viscerally disgusted reaction to that guy as well.
Call it old school or even s*xist of me, but I just have a deep rooted sense that no real man allows himself to coast through life by draining the finances and energy of his wife/girlfriend/woman.
Put it this way: if this no-good, leeching, irresponsible bum were starting to hang around your sister, how would you react? Personally, I'd pay him a visit with a baseball bat and some pliers. (not that I have a sister, but if I did)
Posted by: Curmudgeon at June 8, 2006 07:07 AM
John Cusack would rank about where Vince Vaughn ranks, a stand in until Liz or Jen meet me.
Assuming of course that I actually have a relationhsip with my sister, which I do not, I certainly would not approve. But its really irelevent because I don't give 2 sh**s about who or what my sister dates.
Hollywood marriages are just career moves anyway, and now more than ever, babies are the big trend for these publicity stunt nuptuals.
No, K-fed is not a model hubby, but I cant imagine Brit being any different. She just happens to be the one with all the money and fame, and he is the coat tail cling-on. If the situation were reversed, I doubt it would be any different.
Posted by: Cuzin Jose at June 9, 2006 12:15 AM
