« The Bad 80s Video War Is... OVER | Main | Zarqawi Doin'? »
June 06, 2006
Oh Brother
My brother John and I were your typical brothers separated by just a couple of years; that is to say, we didn't get along in the slightest when we were kids. To make matters worse, we were polar opposites of one another: one outgoing, gregarious, into sports, and totally into the whole high school popularity thing, and the other introverted, quiet, bookish, who couldn't give a whit about sports or about what anyone thought, he was just going to do his thing.
Our nearness in age combined with our contrasting personalities meant that not only were we going to clash like closely spaced brothers do, but that there would be little common ground upon which to bond. Our interactions from about 1979 to 1985 followed a remarkably consistent pattern: younger deliberately annoys older, older responds with some cruelly demeaning taunt, which goads younger into further antgaonization... repeat, rinse, escalate until older whales on younger, thus getting older in trouble for supposedly knowing better (which as the older one, I was allegedly supposed to do). Our brief fraternal moments over our teenage years were rare and fleeting, ended all the more quickly because both of us were embarrased at having dropped the guard for a moment.
But a funny thing happened during the 1990s: we grew up. After having spent the 70s in an uneasy truce and the 80s alternately warring with or ignoring one another, all of a sudden we liked each other. It was gradual at first; when I moved to Washington it was two years before he came to visit. But when he did, all of a sudden we had a great time, and then we starting hanging out together when I would go home to visit. By the time he moved to the east coast a few years later, we were actually -- gasp! -- enjoying hanging out, and were bummed that I was leaving DC for grad school just as he arrived. And in the ensuing years, while we've both been in the same time zone but never in the same city, we've become incredibly close. Funny how that happens, huh?
In the last seven years, we've been there for each other literally with a phone call; when one needs the other, the needed is usually on a train or a plane within 36 hours to go to the needer's aid. When I stood up with him a couple of years ago at his wedding, he was the one who pulled me aside mid-reception to check on my emotions, knowing that less than a week prior, everything had fallen apart on my end (thus resulting in my being suddenly and conspicuously solo)... on his biggest day, he was worried about whether I was okay. When our parents have battled various illnesses or crises in the last five years, we've talked through taking care of them and acted together to do the right thing by them; in almost the same breaths, we play PlayStation against each other and take boyish glee in killing each other in spite of the stated mission of the game being that we're supposed to work together.
We still engage in amusing, if childish, competition; he's reached a high level of success in his field as well, and our phone conversations are often pathetic, yet friendly and respectful brotherly attempts at one-upsmanship. "I just had an article published in XYZ." "Oh really? Awesome! Well, I just gave the keynote address at blar blar blar conference." "Yeah? That's cool. You know, I was just asked to guest lecture at Georgetown." "That's so great! I just got interviewed by the BBC." And so on. We hear how obnoxious we sound, but what no one else but us understands is that we drive each other, in the good way now instead of like when we were kids. We're brothers, and we compete with one another. Some things never change. But wistfully, some things do.
I saw my brother in DC this past weekend for likely the last time in a long while. His company's sending him and his wife on an overseas assignment, and they won't be back for a couple of years. There might be an occasional holiday visit to the States by them, and I'm going to have one hell of an exotic vacation to blog about next April... but outside of that, it's going to be 2009 before we can spend weekends blowing up targets on PlayStation or enjoying martinis and cigars at the Mayflower Hotel lounge. I'm leaving for a long business trip to Europe on Friday, and when I get home they'll be gone. True to form, when John learned that I'd not be home for their departure, and knowing that I've been spending savings on movers and such expenses, he simply bought me a ticket to DC for the weekend (without asking me; he just did it and told me after the fact) and told me he wanted to spend one last weekend hanging out.
Every now and then my brother stops by this blog just to check out whatever rant I've been on most recently. And I just wanted to tell him -- and the rest of the world -- that I'm proud as hell of him, and of who he's become, and of all he's accomplished. No one would have known it when we were kids, bro, but as it's turned out you're my best friend, and I'm gonna miss the hell out of you when you're gone.
Come home soon, little brother.
John, Mudge & a friend in Old Town Alexandria, VA, 6/06
Comments
Amazing the difference.
My brother hasn't lifted a finger to assist our mother. To this day he still condescendingly introduces me as his "little brother," doesn't even say my name.
Thats great that you guys are so close, wish them the best for me as well.
When they come back, maybe you too will be married, so no more competition there.
Posted by: Cuzin Jose at June 7, 2006 02:22 AM
That's real man. That's why we were put here.
Posted by: Corey at June 7, 2006 03:44 AM
great post. Godspeed, John
Posted by: Marquette Hoops at June 7, 2006 11:48 AM
Awww, that's so beautiful. Makes me wanna call my big brother.
Posted by: Liz at June 7, 2006 12:38 PM
okay. I'm crying.
Posted by: curmymom at June 7, 2006 03:45 PM
how. sweet.
Posted by: Jill at June 7, 2006 11:13 PM
how good it is when brothers live together in unity.
Posted by: hitman at June 8, 2006 10:41 AM
There is no more gratifying thing a parent can experience than genuine love and admiration between her kids. I pray my boys are as close when they're older. For now, I just keep a lot of band-aids around! I wish you and your brother many years of continued cameraderie...regardless of locale!
Posted by: T at June 9, 2006 11:58 PM
I met John during one of his trips (to Hong Kong) and I knew you through a mutual friend (Manuel). I can totally see the truth in your story.
Posted by: Rodney at June 11, 2006 02:54 AM
