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November 29, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #6
6. Alicia Bridges - "I Love The Night Life (Disco Round)" (1979) Remember that scene in "The Breakfast Club," when Judd Nelson is goading Molly Ringwald by telling her that "Claire is a fat girl's name?" He goes on about how she is destined by nomenclature to join the big-boned set... tells her she's going to "squeeze out a few puppies," and then makes those engorging, expansive sounds with his mouth while indicating with his hands that he pictures her hips and ass reaching elephantitic proportions?
Back in 1979, I got much the same sensation upon hearing "I Love The Night Life" by Alicia Bridges. One listen to the very first line of the very first verse, and one instantly realizes: this is an ugly person's voice. Doesn't matter what the rest of the song is, doesn't matter what the lyrics are or anything else; hear that voice and you realize that there's just no way that the person owning it is going to be anything less than a severe challenge on the eyes. And then you watch the video, and there she is: the love child of Billy Idol and Susan Powter, presented in dramatic gold lame for your viewing (dis)pleasure.
But this song doesn't just make the list for being performed by someone unattractive (a la Mungo Jerry). It's flat, uninspired disco -- paint-by-numbers 1-3 beat dance sludge done unenthusiastically and without much meshing with the song; that annoying voice just never matches up well with the song. (Which I can't honestly picture anyone's voice matching up well to, quite frankly.) And, it features one of the signature elements of a crappy song: the deliberate and exaggerated mispronounciation of a word. In the bridge between verse and chorus, Bridges repeatedly asserts that she wants some "ack-SHONE," which we assume is supposed to mean that she's looking for action. No respectable French person (okay, maybe that's an oxymoron, but go with me just for the sake of this argument) has ever worn gold lame, so Bridges' bizarro choice of diction makes even less sense than the clothes themselves. Finally, I come back to the voice - sounding like a cross between Nell Carter and several cats in heat, Bridges tortures the listener for more than three minutes.
And back to the lyrics... let's examine something here. If someone is trying to convince you of their desire to be a wild child of Paris Hiltonian/Lindsay Lohanian proportion... how wild can they really be if they assert to you that "I got to boogie?" Isn't that about the equivalent of claiming to be a wild and crazy guy? I hear "I've got to boogie," and I just picture some guy who calls himself "The Larrinator" or "The Lar-meister" instead of Larry, spritzing his mouth with Binaca and tugging at the waist of his polyester pants before hitting the lounge of the local Holiday Inn. Finally... it's disco and it's supposed to be easy to dance to -- but have you seen any whiter dancing in a top ten hit's video... ever???
Posted by Christopher at 06:33 PM | Comments (3)November 28, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #7
7. Gerardo - "Rico Suave" (1991) I've been torturing my friend (and occasional commenter here) Jennifer with this one at work for weeks now... this might be the song that inspired this list. And oh, did it deserve to make the top ten! How is this cheesy? Let me count the ways. Start with the lyrics -- a series of comic book Spanglish wannabe proclamations of his prowess with women. Hey Gerry? You know what they say... if you gotta tell everybody about it, it can't be all that amazing. I mean... come on.
"There's not a woman who can handle a man like me -- that's why I juggle two or three." Oy. Sure you do, Chuckles. I bet all of them live in the Niagara Falls vicinity, don't they? "I don't love ya, but I need ya." Such a charmer, this one... I bet he lands a whole lot of classy ladies with lines like that. "My only addiction has to do with the female species -- I eat 'em raw, like sushi." You know, because if there's one thing I've learned in 20+ years of dating, it's that chicks dig being compared to raw fish.
Next, let's turn to the dancing... put this guy in a cheesy fade and a University of Miami sweatshirt, and this joker is Vanilla Ice. And the fashion: tell me we didn't all wear our belts like that?! (Sadly, I know that for a while I did. Nothing like a phallic symbol around your waist for attracting women.) This has to be the worst Latin-styled song ever -- and to beat the Macarena, you know it's got to be bad. Really, really bad.
Posted by Christopher at 09:02 PM | Comments (8)Pot, Meet Kettle
So Jesse Jackson has decided that he's so upset about Michael Richards' meltdown that people should boycott the Seinfeld DVDs. See, he thinks that people shouldn't be using the N-word, and to send that message, he's urging that people not buy the DVD set featuring Richards.
Not that I'm defending Richards in any way shape or form, because I think he's an asshat for what he said. I don't buy the "I was angry" thing either, because as ticked as I've ever been at anyone, making lynching references has never occurred to me. But count me as one liberal who's had it up to here with the predictable faux outrage and clamoring for the cameras -- not to mention the outright hypocrisy -- of Jesse Jackson.
You want people to boycott pieces of entertainment because of the use of the word, Jesse? Hmm... so where's your call for a boycott of all 50 Cent, Tupac, Ice Cube, Snoop Dogg, and a hundred other rappers? Where, Jesse, is your indignant call for a boycott of the movie Training Day, or Dave Chapelle, or of all Richard Pryor's DVDs? I guess you won't call for those boycotts, though, will you?
Being upset at Michael Richards' ignorant rant is totally expected. Wanting to address racism (which does flow both ways, Jesse) is to be lauded. Selectively choosing who you will boycott for the use of the n-word, and whom you'll merely scold... that's hypocritical. And I've grown so tired of your hypocritical crap that your voice has ceased to be one that earns my attention. I don't mind being challenged on things... all I ask is consistency from those who do the challenging.
By the way... the best discussion of why it's stupid and offensive for black people to use the n-word in reference to one another came from, ironically enough, Richard Pryor himself. See below...
In 1979, he flew to Kenya. It was a trip recommended to him by his psychiatrist after his wife Jennifer hauled him out of a house full of hookers and drugs. After touring Kenya's national museum, Pryor sat in a hotel lobby full of what he described as ''gorgeous black people, like everyplace else we'd been. The only people you saw were black. At the hotel, on television, in stores, on the street, in the newspapers, at restaurants, running the government, on advertisements. Everywhere."
That caused Pryor to say: ''Jennifer. You know what? There are no niggers here. . . . There are no niggers here. The people here, they still have their self-respect, their pride."
In ''Pryor Convictions," Pryor said that he left Africa ''regretting ever having uttered the word 'nigger' on a stage or off it. It was a wretched word. Its connotations weren't funny, even when people laughed. To this day I wish I'd never said the word. I felt its lameness. It was misunderstood by people. They didn't get what I was talking about. Neither did I. . . . So I vowed never to say it again."
More on Pryor's evolution in his view of the word in Derrick Jackson's fantastic op-ed from the Boston Globe last year on the occasion of Pryor's death, from which I borrowed the excerpt above.
Posted by Christopher at 01:02 AM | Comments (4)November 27, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #8
8. Mungo Jerry - "In The Summertime" (1970) Good God, the 1970s were an evil decade. First of all, jug band music sucks. It has always sucked, and it will always suck. It sucks worse when loser British hippies in desperate need of baths try doing it as a "retro" sound. Jug band... oy.
Plus, what the hell is the line "If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal. If her daddy's poor, just do what you feel" supposed to mean? If she's poor, you should just date rape her? What the hell? Really, really uncool line, kids - and even in 1970, that wasn't acceptable. Nor was "have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find." Know what you can find, Chaka? A DWI and a free night's stay in county, that's what. Irresponsible bath-needing hippie.
And one more thing... what the hell is with that hair? I mean, you look like one of the Pakuni from Land of the Lost! The last time anyone had mutton chops like that, he was an actual sheep. Seriously, there's nothing even remotely cool looking about this dude; he may well have been responsible for several Bigfoot sightings in England in the early 70s. Horsedooty song from the ugliest singer in rock history.
Posted by Christopher at 11:18 PM | Comments (3)
Somebody Up There Likes Me
All I can say is... somebody up there likes me. A lot. I don't need anything for Christmas now.
Oh, of course I looked. What, are you kidding? (I was impressed.)
Posted by Christopher at 10:54 PM | Comments (2)November 26, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #9
From here on out, every song on this list is pure evil and is on the soundtrack in Hell.
9. Billy Ray Cyrus - "Achy Breaky Heart" (1992) Look, I like country. I don't deny it. Growing up in farm country planted the seed, and then my stretch in Florida pretty much sealed it. I love country music. But it's crap like this that gives country such a bad rap (to borrow another genre) among those who like to consider themselves too sophisticated for it. Let's face it: Billy Ray Cyrus handed country-haters a decade's worth of fodder for dismissing the entire format. The mullet. The whining lyrics. The overly simple and repetitive melody, verses and chorus. That damn mindless line dance. Everything you've ever wanted to use to stereotype country music is right here in one ugly package.
As for Cyrus, not that I expect that he'll have any defenders, but if he has any and those folks are thinking of pointing out in the comment field that Cyrus has had several other top ten hits (including a couple more #1s), I remind you that those were all on the country charts; "Achy Breaky Heart" remains (thankfully!) Cyrus's sole Top 40 hit. So Billy Ray? You can tell your voice, it really has no choice, we just want it to go away... and you can tell your lip... to get to know my fist... so you'll just shut up and leave today. Ooooooh, ooh-HOOOO!
Posted by Christopher at 08:55 PM | Comments (1)November 25, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #10
From here on out, since we're talking about 10 of the worst songs ever, we'll do one at a time.
10. Los Del Rio - "Macarena" (1996) Here's a clue: if the song has a specific dance that's attached to it, then it's going to suck. If it's a remix of a song by two middle-aged Spanish flamenco singers, it's going to suck even worse. If the dance is a line dance designed to be done by an entire dance floor at once, the song crosses into the soundtrack-to-hell realm. Put the song inexplicably at #1 for 14 freakin' weeks, thus ensuring that we'll all hear it every freaking time we turn around for months on end, and it vaults into "worst songs ever" territory.
Look, I don't begrudge a couple of 50somethings their chance to make some money. I just wish they'd done it with a less evil song. (And yes, full disclosure, I know the steps and have done the dance... I won't pretend to have been above it. I also wore plaid pants to school in the early 70s. Doesn't mean I'm proud of it.)
Posted by Christopher at 11:49 AM | Comments (1)Time Magazine's Person Of The Year, 2006: Mudge's Nominee
There are a lot of scary things about people I work with having discovered this blog... but one of the nice things about it is that every once in a while I get a completely unexpected note from someone I never would have thought was a reader, telling me that they liked that day's post or enjoy reading me. A couple of weeks ago, one such note came from a friend I didn't realize was a reader. In that e-mail she also suggested that I do a post on my thoughts as to who should be Time's "Man of the Year" for 2006. I replied that I had done such a post in 2005 and was planning on doing this year's after Thanksgiving. Well, it's after Thanksgiving. So "K," this one's inspired in part by you!
Remembering that Time's criteria is the person who "for better or worse, has most influenced events in the preceding year," there were a number of people I could make arguments for in 2006 -- but none whom I could make really strong arguments for. Sadly, very few of them were even positive influences on the world this year; it's been that kind of year. And each of those people ended up connected back to the same individual... so in the end I chose that individual. But before I reveal that person, let me review the other candidates, in reverse order (in other words, as the list goes on, the case for that person grows stronger):
-- Jack Abramoff A corrupt and crooked lobbyist, Abramoff had ties to seemingly half of the Republican Party. Just being written about in the same sentence with him was pure poison; ties with Abramoff contributed to the defeats, ousters, and in a couple of cases indictments of: Tom DeLay (R-TX), Conrad Burns (R-MT), Bob Ney (R-OH), and Richard Pombo (R-CA), sunk the candidacy of Christian wing-nut Ralph Reed for Lieutenant Governor of Georgia, and was one of the larger factors in fostering an image of the Republican Party as corrupt and out of touch that contributed to their defeat in November and the turnover of control in the Legislative Branch. Take down a half dozen people in elections or court, and cost your party control of Congress in an election, and you warrant consideration.
-- Howard Dean A lot of "mainstream" Democrats -- many of my good friends and readers of this blog included -- were mortified when Howard Dean took over as DNC chairman. They had bought hook line and sinker into the conservative media's portrayal of Dean as a shrieking liberal madman, and were convinced that Dean's ascension meant the end of Democratic hopes in 2006. I recall several conversations in which Dean's "50 state strategy" was belittled (and you know who you are... but in case you don't recall, it was someone who likes basketball a whole lot). Well, we got the rout folks predicted... but it was a Democratic rout. Dean's 50 state strategy fell into place nicely. And while the November elections were much more a national statement about Republican corruption and incompetence, Dean had to have the Democrats in a position to take advantage of public frustration. He did.
John Murtha For years, Bush Republicans covered their incompetence by using the media and strong-arm scare tactics to bully opponents, suggesting that anyone who disagreed with or criticized Bush Administration policy was un-American and unpatriotic. For a few sad years, it worked. And then John Murtha, a 37 year veteran of the Marine Corps who'd served with honor and distinction in Vietnam, pointed out what everyone knew but no one had been "allowed" to say: that the Emperor had no clothes, and that the Iraq invasion's aftermath was a failure. And this time, when the predictable conservative response of "unpatriotism" was trotted out, no one bought it. Republicans were roundly hissed and booed for suggesting that Murtha was a coward. And in making a courageous stand against incompetence, cowardice, and deliberately putting our servicemen and women in harm's way, John Murtha poked the first successful hole in the chickenspit "our critics are un-American" defense that Bush/Cheney/Rove/Rumsfeld so often fall back on. It doesn't work anymore... thanks in large part to John Murtha.
Kim Jong-Il and Mohammed Ahmadinejad Want to prove to the world just how incompetent and all-talk-no-action George W. Bush is? Just point to these two -- famous members of Bush's "Axis of Evil" who have defied not just Zippy the Wonder Chimp but the entire world, and have acquired nuclear weapons of mass destruction. Apparently, Bush will invade a country that doesn't really have WMD (he'll just lie to the world and say they do), but when a nation actually has WMD, Bush' words fall flatter than a side view of Kate Moss. With their megalomaniacal pursuit of weapons of mass destruction to no consequence, these two despots helped prove the hollowness of Bush's rhetoric -- all while making our world far less stable and threatening American security.
Do you notice the common thread tying all these folks together? Yes... when asked to pick someone who, for better or worse, had the most impact on the news of 2006, I choose George W. Bush. Almost every other person who affected the news this year achieved their impact by helping to expose the utter incompetence and disingenuousness of George W. Bush. His reign of terror is only 3/4 over, but it's already an almost inarguable matter than Bush has proven himself to be the worst president in American history, and one of the most incompetent and unfit "leaders" in world history. He affected the news, all right. Not for good reasons but for those of sheer ineptitude, George W. Bush is my nominee for Time Magazine's Man of the Year.
Posted by Christopher at 09:40 AM | Comments (2)November 24, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #12 and #11
12. Nu Shooz - "I Can't Wait" (1986) Theoretically they weren't quite a one hit wonder; their follow up made it to #26. But this song is so hideously bad that they win inclusion on the list despite not technically qualifying for it. The plasto-synth hook to this song ranks among the most annoying and inane in pop history. Some disposable dance pop is tolerable, but in this song's case the world would have been better off had a raging fire occurred overnight at the studio the night it had been recorded, thus sparing the world from a tragic outbreak of suckitude. They couldn't spell, they couldn't sing, and they sure as hell couldn't write a good song.
11. 4 Non Blondes - "What's Up?" (1993) Radio stations in rural areas were forced to stop playing this song after hordes of coyotes in heat began descending upon the station's transmitters and began howling in a call and respond with the lead singer. Come to think of it, the coyotes probably looked better, too. 4 Non Talents' single hit featured a caterwauled, screeching chorus broken up only by bleating, braying verses in which the lyrics make less sense than "Jabberwocky." But it's not the stupid lyrics that win this horrific song its place on our crappy one hot wonders list. It's because I've tried -- oh my God, have I tried -- to find an example of a singer with a worse voice who led a band that had a top 40 hit, but there are none. And I pray -- oh my God, do I pray, I pray every single day -- that this aural crime against the collective eardums of humanity is never played on radio again. Oh -- and singer chick? Top hats looked cool on Slash; on crappy singers singing crappy songs, they just look stupid.
Posted by Christopher at 07:13 PM | Comments (3)November 22, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #14-#13
14. Tag Team - "Whoomp! There It Is" (1993) God, what a hideous and evil idea it is to do a pop song from a catch phrase. That's just a vile thing to do. It simply cannot be done well, by anyone. Make a song from a catch phrase, and you are a lead pipe lock to be a one hit wonder. This is the "Pac-Man Fever" of the 90s. Here's the link to this hideous song on Google Video.
13. Gregory Abbott - "Shake You Down" (1986) A cheap Marvin Gaye wannabe performing one of the most annoying songs of the 1980s. Marvin would have rolled over in his grave if he'd have heard this sludge. And let's get something straight right now: NO song, not EVER, is EVER good that features a spoken word "solo" instead of a guitar or keyboard or even horn solo. Singers breaking song to talk to the object of their affection is lame and a sure sign of piss-pooritude. Especially when the spoken word solo begins, "Girl..." I mean, it is physically impossible for a song to recover from that. (See Timmy T's "One More Try" or Boyz II Men's "End Of The Road." I rest my cae.) I love good soul... but this crap sure ain't it.
Posted by Christopher at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)A Series Of Random, Unrelated, and Unfortunate Musings
A series of thoughts or reactions to public events that have popped into my head over the past few days...
1. Kramer vs. Kramer Michael Richards, your career (such as it was, what was left of it anyway) is over. Becasue we've all been ticked off at people before. And you know what? I've even been heckled on stage before, both when singing with a band and when speaking for my profession. Never once did it occur to me to toss back an insult based on the heckler's ethnicity. (Their parentage, the morals of their mother, their intellect, the cleanliness of their girlfriends... all open season. But their ethnicity? Never once.) And he didn't just use "the word" -- he added vile statements about hanging people upside down with forks protruding from orifices. You know, Michael... making remarks to a black person -- even one who's heckling you -- that even call to mind or mention hanging ... well, that's not a outburst of anger in the heat of the moment. That's something much deeper. And I don't like it -- nor will, I suspect, 90% of the American public (but only 55% of Idaho and 27% of Texas). You got lucky with Seinfeld -- otherwise you're nothing more than the closet bigot who happened to be on stage the night Andy Kaufman went off script and staged the fight on "Fridays." Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
2. Rupert guessed wrong I don't believe for one moment that Rupert Murdoch "and senior management" agree that the OJ Simpson confession was a bad idea from the beginning. If he thought it was "an ill-considered project" from the get-go, he could have and would have stopped it before it ever got to the point of turning people's stomachs. Murdoch has made an empire based on the basic concept that Americans are shameless (Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire), immoral (Temptation Island), and so stupid that they want to have their opinions fed to them as "news" (Fox News). For him to pretend that he has any kind of moral compass or would have nixed a project because it was morally offensive and repulsive... well, that's croccodile tears. He simply mis-estimated the level of Americans' lowest denominator this time. Want proof? NewsCorp tried to buy off the Brown family. They knew all about this... they didn't try to stop it, in fact they tried to head off the repulsion with money. This is Fox, America. They think you're shameless, immoral, and just plain stupid. Don't forget that.
3. Marquette Hoops I give my friend Tim lots of grief in the real world about his blog, Cracked Sidewalks. Mostly I bust on him about having a narrow field of interest and readers who care more about a basketball team's performance than the school's academic quality. (He counters by correctly pointing out that he usually has more hits by 11 am each day than I will get in 24 hours.) But all my busting on him over his niche and readership aside, I know he's passionate about Marquette University basketball to a degree that takes "fanatic" to a whole 'nother level... and last night was a huge night for MU. The Golden Eagles defeated Duke 73-62 to win the CBE Classic -- a night after defeating Bobby Knight's Texas Tech team to get to the finals. It would appear that MU is on the way to having a top ten ranked team in next week's polls. And so I just wanted to toss aside the usual banter and congratulate Tim and his alma mater for a huge win and what looks to be a big season. Great game, Marquette.
4. Heavy sigh. Sometimes, the things you read in the news just make you want to cry.
5. The Decade The Music Died While driving south yesterday, going through the New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Baltimore and DC radio markets, I was struck by how few current songs came on the radio stations that I actually wanted to listen to. I hate to sound like an old fogey, but I really am beginning to think that with three of four exceptions each year, the 2000s are the decade in which popular music died. (Even those exceptions are performed by bands that have been around for years... the number of new bands from the 00s that are any good can be counted on the fingers of one hand.) The boomers had the Beatles, Stones, Who and Zeppelin... the generation before mine had punk and new wave (and even some disco)... my generation had 80s U2, GnR, Prince, Springsteen, Madonna... to look back on as the music of their youth. Somehow, I doubt that there will someday be radio stations dedicated to "all 00s all the time" and nostalgiac off-Broadway productions featuring the music of My Chemical Romance, Panic At The Disco, and Good Charlotte. Music today, quite frankly, sucks. (The only two "new" songs that didn't get instantly channel-flipped were "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol and "How To Save A Life" by The Fray.)
6. TomKat Apparently, gay marriage is allowed in Italy. Or at least, gay people are allowed to get married. Anyway, if you believe that he touched her on the wedding night, you'll believe that I dated her for months before she got involved with him. (I dumped her... that zombie look was just a little too creepy when she had it even in the bedroom.) That baby just might be the prettiest child ever to emerge from a plastic cup and a baster.
7. Farewell Goodbye, Ruth Brown. You'll be missed.
8. MVP Congratulations to Justin Morneau, the American League MVP -- and to the voters, who saw through the New York media machine and realized that while Derek Jeter is a great player who had a great year, no Yankee is irreplaceable to his team because they'll just go buy what they need to fill the gaps, and so no Yankee can ever be truly "most valuable" to his team when compared to other teams. Now all the New York front running sports fans can go back to wearing apparel promoting their newly found "long standing" love of Rutgers football.
9. 23 I'm soooo going to see this movie when it comes out.
10. Someone Up There Likes Me Please, Sam. Please run. I'm begging you. With moderates like McCain and Giuliani in the race, the American people need a reminder of what Republicans really are. I'm begging you... please run. Please get your extremist ideas further out there as the face of the Republican Party. Hell, I might even contribute to your campaign so that we can see more of you. Make sure that people see what Republicans are truly all about. Get into a position where we can reject your extremist ass and the p[arty whose ideals you represent to an even greater degree. I'm begging you... run. For the love of America, please run.
Posted by Christopher at 10:43 AM | Comments (3)November 21, 2006
Over The River And Through The Woods...
Was in transit to my family's place today, had no time to blog. Will be back on tomorrow morning, I promise.
Posted by Christopher at 10:22 PM | Comments (4)November 20, 2006
The 50 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #18-#15
Moving on...
18. Toni Basil - "Mickey" (1981) Is it any wonder that her follow-up, "We Got Spirit," didn't do nearly as well? Turning a middle school cheerleader chant into a pop song is just a bad, bad idea. As for the video... we like cheerleaders here in Curmudgeonland, but not when they're performing to some lame-ass song by a cheesy one hit wonder. Since I've already posted this video on my blog once in 2006, that's enough... but if you're really desperate to hear this cruddy song, you can find it here.
17. Wreckx-N-Effect - "Rump Shaker" (1992) Somewhere around the early 90s, pop music plummeted off a precipice of good taste and class, and began a downward death spiral toward the crap that passes for music on ClearChannel stations today. One of the major contributors to this decline was sludge like this song. I never liked new jack swing, and this might very well have been the pinnacle of how bad the genre really was. I'm not going to post the video -- discretion being the better part of valor -- but here's a link to it if you really want to check it out.
16. Biz Markie - "Just A Friend" (1988) I'll admit, there is something funny about this song. Biz did make me laugh, with the deliberately bad singing in the chorus and the whole Amadeus get-up. But there's two problems with this song. One, it gets in your head and won't go away. And two, the rap is actually pretty bad. It sounds like the kind of thing that a kid would come up with. Really amateur rhyme and flow. And yes, I know his history as a beat-boxer; it didn't translate into making him a good rapper. Even though the gimmick to the song was about how he was supposed to be bad, he wasn't supposed to be this bad.
15. Lou Bega - "Mambo #5" (1999) A little bit of annoying melody in my life, a little bit of ripoff by my side, a little bit of strychnine is all I need, a little bit of this stupid song is what I see. A little bit of rupture of the eardums, a little bit of torture all night long, a little bit of crappy song's what I said, a little bit of Bega's career is dead.
Hated this song like brussels sprouts.
Posted by Christopher at 11:07 PM | Comments (3)November 19, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #20-#19
20. Jane Child - "Don't Wanna Fall In Love" (1990) I can't help it. I'm all for free spirits and non-conventional looks and 'tudes... but every time I saw or see this video, I just want to grab that damn chain between her ear and nose and yank it as hard as I can. Maybe her head lights up like a light bulb when someone pulls that chain; maybe my toilet flushes; maybe somewhere, some suburbanite would be left standing in his driveway puzzled as to why his garage door keeps opening and closing for no reason. That damn chain's such a distraction that it's impossible to watch the video without feeling the urge to rip it out rise up sourly in me like when you have a vomit burp and there's that little bit of bile in the back of your throat that you fight to keep down. And didn't anyone ever tell this chick that mohawks were for punk rockers, not dance synth-pop wannabes?
Beyond the stupidity of her look, this was just a crappy piece of wannabe synth-pop. Her timing was impeccable; synth-pop peaked in about 1984, and she released her synth-pop opus in 1990. Rumor has it that in the outtakes to this video, she is trying to solve Rubik's Cube, and was wearing a t-shirt with a Jimmie Walker "Dyno-mite!" iron-on. Disposable dance-pop that should be disposed of.
19. Bertie Higgins - "Key Largo" (1982) Looking like the love child of Kenny Rogers and Michael McDonald, Bertie Higgins exploded onto the scene in 1982 with -- wait for it -- a love song based on watching old Humphrey Bogart-Lauren Bacall movies. Adult contemporary with a very hairy twist. The song featured a female backup singer doing call-and-respond with the line "we had it all," a balalaika-sounding backing guitar line during the verses, and cheesy lyrics (dig his classically campy breathy delivery of "play it again" in the second verse). The video featured the video couple with the least amount of chemistry in the history of not just videos, but of recording images on film.
The Wikipedia entry on Higgins indicates that his great-great-great grandfather was Goethe, who wrote Faust. You know, about the guy who sold his soul to the devil. Somehow, that's a fitting relation for this one hit wonder.
Posted by Christopher at 09:04 PM | Comments (3)November 18, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #23-21
23. C.W. McCall - "Convoy" (1976) The CB radio craze of the mid-70s was one of the three or so most annoying fads ever (along with the Blue Collar Comedy Tour and "pump" sneakers) to afflict mainstream America. It inflicted way too many Burt Reynolds movies and BJ and the Bear on our screens, and contributed greatly to the Cooter-fication of American society. This song, however, by a fictional character named "C.W. McCall" (who was really an actor who appeared in chracter in commercials for an Omaha bakery company... you can't make this spit up), was perhaps the worst symptom of the CB infestation.
Playing up the 70s 'rebel-without-a-clue' theme in which authority is to be rebelled against whether there's a reason or not, "Convoy" is about a bunch of redneck rebel truckers who implausibly lead police on a high speed chase from Los Angeles to the Jersey Shore. What exactly they're running from and why they feel the need to have a thousand trucks crashing toll gates isn't really ever explained. Just wild-eyed whining about the 'gummint,' I guess. Stupid, stupid, stupid song.
22. Morris Albert - "Feelings" (1975) Brazil isn't all bad. They gave us those wonderful waxes and Adriana Lima, after all. But those gestures of good will are almost cancelled out by this anthem of 70s wimpy men by Brazlian Morris Albert. The song has become a parody of itself; whenever anyone in pop culture -- movie satirist, late night host, whomever -- wants to convey cheesy, melodramatic wimpiness, all they have to do is croon or play "Feelings... whoa-whoa-whoa, feelings..." This one's so bad, I'm not even linking to a video (the only one they have on YouTube is from some 2000s era TV show where he's trying to jazz it up. Not worth the link.
21. Blu Cantell - "Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)" (2001) Okay, forget that this chick has one of the most annoying voices that's been captured digitally in the past decade. And forget the garish faux-20s get-in-your-head-like-fingernails-on-a-chalkboard intro. This song makes the list for its patently offensive concept. Been wronged by your man, ladies? Well then, go commit identity theft, credit card fraud, and go abuse his credit by pushing the limit on his cards and failing to pay the bills on time. That'll show him! You know, because two wrongs make a right, and fraud is morally acceptable if it's done out of vengeance. I'm not kidding - I am seriously offended by the premise of this song; it may be "only music," but I think it's childish, irresponsible and wrong. The fact that the music sucks and the singer's got a grating voice just make it worse.
Posted by Christopher at 08:31 PM | Comments (5)November 17, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #27-#24
27. Vicki Lawrence - "The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia" (1974) The early 70s saw a burst of "storytelling" songs that hit number one on the pop charts - songs that didn't just try to capture a mood or open a window for you, but actually tried to tell you a whole melodramatic story in three to four minutes. There was "Angie Baby" by Helen Reddy, "Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves" and "Half Breed" from Cher, and then there was Vicki Lawrence trying to do the actress being a singer thing. As melodrama went, this was as over the top as it gets; it's all about how her brother got the death penalty for a double murder she committed to wreak revenge on his behalf. I can't find any audio or video of Vicki singing it, but Reba McEntire did a pretty decent country cover of it in the early 90s, and if you want it you can find that version here.
26. Big Mountain - "Baby I Love Your Way" (1994) Quick - what's the quickest way to commit a pop music felony? Here's one solution: take a song that utterly sucked in the first place, recorded by a wannabe... and now, let's do a cheesy reggae-pop version of that god-awful song. That was Big Mountain's formula in 1994. And while I loved Reality Bites back then, this song's presence on the soundtrack leaves a permanent blemish on that movie's legacy, like a giant jagged scar running from forehead to chin down the center of its face. Bad reggae + crappy song = bad one hit wonder.
25. Paper Lace - "The Night Chicago Died" (1974) Recognize a pattern about 1974? That year keeps showing up in this countdown... it might well have been the worst year in music history. This cheesy recounting of a fictional battle between Chicago's finest and Al Capone's gang is a case in point. (If it makes you feel any better, this damn song has been stuck in my damn head since I made this list out a few weeks ago... I can't get it out of my head and I am ready to hurt someone.) And pardon me for my geographical ignorance -- to my readers in Chicago, may I ask: how could daddy be a cop on the east side of Chicago? Wouldn't that mean that he was patrolling Lake Michigan every day? Another cruddy touch: the faux polka nods in the final choruses. No song that even contains two seconds of polka belongs on the pop charts. Awful. Just awful. No video of Paper Lace exists, but here's someone's video for it on YouTube if you want it.
24. Jack Wagner - "All I Need" (1985) Okay, I admit it. This song helped me out in high school. (I was 17 when it came out; Face it; chicks dug this song, so didn't it help out every guy born between 1964 and 1970 at some point?) But I hated it even then... I just suffered through it for the payoff. And suffer is the right word: this is, in my opinion, the single worst song by an actor in the history of music. Even Don Johnson's "Heartbeat" had more musical chops than this sludge. All I need is just a little more time to be sure what I feel isn't all in my mind? Where the hell else would it be, Chuckles -- on the nightstand? In the bathroom? Friggin' stupid lyrics. And melodramatic cheese + sappy music, sung by a wussy soap opera actor who was for some bizarro reason considered a heartthrob? (What's with the friggin' flock of seagulls haircut?) Bad recipe. Heartburn and diarrhea will soon follow.
Posted by Christopher at 01:25 AM | Comments (1)November 16, 2006
Thursday Thirteen: Murderers, Hypocrites and Stupid Politicians
1. First things first; Friday is my dad's 69th birthday. Happy birthday, Dad!!!
2. Fox "News" lost all credibility it ever might have had a long time ago; everyone knows it's simply the propaganda arm of the Republican Party. (More on that in another post.) But now Fox's "entertainment" network should lose its right to braodcast. Their shameless, pathetic, irresponsible and reprehensible decision to air the murderer OJ Simpson's confession ranks right up there with posting Daniel Pearl's beheading on the Internet. The people behind this book -- that means you, Judith Regan, you vile harpie -- and the ensuing television coverage have violated the public trust and the responsiblities they promised to uphold when they were given the privilege of making money off of OUR airwaves. I hereby announce my personal (if wholly ineffective) boycott of all things Fox. No more 24. No more Prison Break. No more Simpsons (that one's gonna hurt). I will never again favor this horrid group of individuals with my viewership. And I'm never buying anything published by that vile harpie, either.
As for OJ, can't we just drop him in the middle of Fallujah with a photo of W stapled to his chest? There is nothing that could happen to that jackass that would be a tragedy. And... I know defense lawyers are paid to raise reasonable doubt and get their clients to walk... but there is a very toasty special corner of hell where Johnny Cochran's spending eternity for letting that monster walk. OJ should have fried.
3. According to the US Government, approximately 1% of all Web sites on the Internet are p0rnograph1c. This is opposed to whitehouse.gov and the Republican Party's sites, which are merely obscene. Anyway, first of all, why did my tax money get wasted to find out the percentage of Web sites that are, er, adult? Who the hell cares how many there are? If you don't like them, don't go to 'em. But the government doesn't have the right to tell any of its citizens who are over 18 what they can or can't look at on the Web. My second reaction is: only 1%?
4. We're not just picking on Republicans today, though. The cloud around the silver lining of the Democrats taking back the House is that we've empowered a nincompoop. I've never been a Nancy Pelosi fan. But after watching her ham-handed attempt to strong-arm John Murtha into the Majority Leader position -- not for political expediency but merely because she doesn't like Steny Hoyer -- I've been convinced that our new Speaker has no more sense and deserves no more respect than our old one. And Nancy? You can't really claim ethical high ground anymore after telling incoming newly elected members that they better support your candidate or else. You've proven yourself no less slimy a politician -- treating the business of the people as if it were merely chips in your stack to consolidate your own power -- than those you claim to reject. I'm a Democrat and a liberal... but Pelosi's lost me forever, and this blog will be dedicated to hammering her at every opportunity (and given her behavior this week, I am sure she'll give me plenty).
5. You know how I confessed once that I take way too much enjoyment out of others' misfortune? This is definitely one of those times. I'm sorry - I read about a kidnapper whose attempt fails when he shoots himself in the marbles, and I laugh. And MSNBC was no help, with their snarky headline. "Nobody move, or the right one gets it too?" Forkin' hysterical.
The man had just stuck the gun back into his waistband when it fired, shooting him in the left testicle. He cringed, causing the gun to fire again and strike him in the left calf. Hehehehehehe.
6. All you New Yorkers and small-market fans, listen up: you're going to hear consistency out of me. What the Red Sox spent on the right to merely negotiate with Daisuke Matsuzaka -- $51.1 million dollars -- is obscene, is vile, and is exemplary of what is wrong with the game of baseball today. Sure, the Yankee$, Met$, Angel$ and others were bidding more than $30M -- so the Sox in one sense did right by keeping the Yankee$ from buying some more. But of the 30 teams in baseball, perhaps 5 or 6 had a legitimate shot at landing Matsuzaka. That's not right. When only 1/5 of the league has the resources to compete with one another for the best players, and the other 4/5 are left behind, that's indicative of a very serious problem. The haves have too much in the game right now. And while money isn't a guarantee of a championship, it's pretty darn near a guarantee of a playoff spot. Major League Baseball desperately needs a salary cap, and a salary floor -- so that New York, Boston, Anaheim, LA and Chicago can't just outspend the world to buy their playoff spots, while jerk owners like Kansas City's David Glass, Minnesota's Carl Pohlad, and that jackass who until last year owned Tampa Bay cannot simply pocket the money that comes to them via revenue sharing. Make every team keep a payroll between $45 million and $90 million -- and then let the best scouting system, management, and on-field performances determine who makes the playoffs. I love the Red Sox, but they're no better than the MFY. I don't care if Matsuzaka is the second coming of Koufax; this is just wrong.
7. Sticking with sports, as much as I don't like football, and as much as I think college sports are a joke, even I have to admit that the next few weeks in college football are going to be a lot of fun. The top 10 teams in the country right now will end up playing each other in most cases over the next couple of weeks -- making for one of the most exciting Novembers in college football history. Ohio State-Michigan, Rutgers-West Virginia, USC-Cal, USC-Notre Dame, LSU-Arkansas, and probably Arkansas-Florida in the SEC title game... between now and mid-December, every game is a one-game playoff; between now and December will probably be the most exciting college football season you'll ever see. Even I'm psyched for football a little bit.
8. Wait... on second thought, that punk-ass bitch Randy Moss has decided that he's unhappy and thus is dropping passes. This is the same guy who insisted that he wouldn't play hard or try on every down if he didn't want to, and that no one could make him. Punk-ass little bitches like this little punk (and Terrell Owens) are the reason I have grown to hate football now. Screw being excited about this month in college football; they're all just gonna end up being the next Randy "Punk-Ass Bitch" Moss'es. Screw football anyway.
9. Speaking of totally stupid people who need to be run over by runaway M-1 tanks... two stupid drunken frat boys drunkenly agree to appear on camera, sign a release, and then proceed to make sexist and racist comments on camera... but somehow, it's the film-maker's fault that they're humiliated, and they're gonna sue?
Hey boys? Borat isn't what humiliated you. You two being drunken, sexist, racist Greek System jackass idiots is what humiliated you. Here's a clue for you (since the clue bus clearly ran you over in the street): if you don't want to be humiliated publicly, don't agree to go on camera when you're drunk -- and don't make disparaging comments about women and minorities. Stupid Greek rich kid punks.
10. Speaking of stupid drunken rich kid frat boys, W got called out by Kofi Annan the other day over global warming (again). Seems Annan was hammering away at what he called "a frightening lack of leadership" on the matter (and if there's anyone who'd know a frightening lack of leadership when he saw it, it'd be Kofi Annan). Yet the US -- or specifically, George W. Bush, his administration, and his Republican sheep (like James Inhofe) -- continues to deny that global warming exists or is caused by human factors, despite the overwhelming conviction of the US scientific community. We're turning our oceans to acid and destabilizing the entire planet's ecosystem.... but never fear, the Halliburton administration says you're safe and that it's all a big liberal tree-hugging conspiracy.
11. Moving on to natural wonders of a more pleasant sort.... we had a big wind storm here tonight -- 40 mph gusts, 3 hour delays at the airports, all the fun stuff. I haven't been outside, but I am sure there's leaves and branches down. But you know what? I love the wind. Always have. It's one of the more sensory natural phenomena -- you see the trees bending and leaves being scattered; you hear the wind rustling and whipping through the trees and down the streets; you feel the rush of air against your face and feel your hair being swept and tousled by it; you smell the freshness in the air and the leaves, rain, the sea and its salty air, and whatever else the wind has picked up with it in its race across the face of the earth. There is almost nothing in nature I love more than experiencing the wind -- especially a powerful windstorm like we had tonight. Nothing like laying in bed and hearing it rage around you. I love the wind.
12. One thing I do not love are comment spammers. I think public beheadings of comment spammers is a good idea. I think comment spammers should be stripped, pierced with sharp knives, bled out, covered with honey, and left to die in the desert after being eaten alive by scorpions. I think comment spammers should have to marry OJ Simpson. There is no torture ever devised by the human mind that is too harsh for comment spammers. Here is a list of a few suggested things that should happen to comment spammers. I think they should all undergo every single one of these things. Comment spammers are slightly below the ameoba in terms of both intelligence and evolution. I don't like them.
13. Another thing I have traditionally not liked is Christmas. (I am a Curmudgeon, after all.) There've only been like three years where I have ever had a Christmas tree in the home where I was living - and in none of those years was it my choice to have one. I hate the commercialism of Christmas, I hate the greed of it, I hate the phoniness of the alleged spirit of the season (like any of those store clerks or the chuckleheads who cross my path on the street really care if I have a Merry Christmas?). So I've never felt the desire to decorate or get a Christmas tree, and even in those three years where I had to have them because "she" said she wanted them, I sort of bit my tongue and grumbled silently about it.
But last year, for the first time, I sort of mellowed about it; I was in California visiting friends after a work meeting, and they hosted a holiday party that was devoid of the phoniness and materialism... they really seemed to love the holiday and embodied its intended spirit, and I was very refreshed by their celebration of it. And this year, for the first time in my life, I actually chose to buy a Christmas tree (I will not cut down a living tree; we need all the trees we can get), lights, ornaments, and all that. Maybe it's because I'm happy in my life right now (how very anti-Curmudgeon of me!). Maybe it's because TG's 4 year old might be at my townhouse at some point over the season and I feel like I should do something. Maybe it's TG. Or maybe it's that my parents will be visiting me in New York this year instead of vice versa, and the family holiday will be in my home. For whatever reason, I'm sort of in the Christmas mood this year. I have my Trans-Siberian Orchestra music at the ready, my lights and ornaments ready to go, and who knows? I might just not say Bah Humbug this year!
Posted by Christopher at 08:43 PM | Comments (3)November 15, 2006
The 59 Worst One Ht Wonders Ever: #30 - #28
I hate knees. Had to be said. Moving on, here's the next three acts and songs in the bad one hit wonders list.
30. Aqua - "Barbie Girl" (1997) The only thing these guys should get credit for is realizing that there was only one subject or song possibility that fit their lead singer's voice -- and they found it. Other than that, this is highly disposable Eurotrash Europop. Forgettable beat, cheesy double entendre and outright sleazy lyrics, and a singer who could never been taken seriously by anyone who's discovered their lower reigster.
This song came out the year I started at BU, and all the Euro-rich kids at the school somehow loved this song, and I heard it over and over again. That's enough to make anyone hate it. (I do have a slight soft spot for the video, though... the guy singer bears more than a passing resemblance to one of my old DC friends. To my Washington crew... tell me that this guy doesn't remind you of JSP?!?)
29. Ini Kamoze - "Here Comes The Hotstepper" (1995) In many ways, the 90s were as hideous an era for pop music as the 70s were. This crappy song is a prime example. Wilson Pickett must be rolling in his grave (yes, I know he only left us in 2006, and the royalties from having been ripped off by Kamoze must have made his later years a little more tolerable, but nonetheless, this ranks right up there with P. Diddy ripping off "Kashmir" as the biggest of hip-hop's sins against originality and good music). Jamaican dance hall stuff can be good, but not like this, and not from this joker. Horrid song from a bad act that totally deserved to be a OHW.
28. Musical Youth - "Pass The Dutchie" (1983) Hey, let's take a Jamaican song about marijuana ("Pass The Kouchie... how does it feel when you got no herb?"), and give it to a Brit-Jamaican boy band, change the words so that it's about food and a cooking pot, and make it sound all cute. But let's keep the annoying get-in-your-head melody so that the song insidiously attacks the brains of listeners world wide! Yeah, that's the ticket!
The 80s gave us some of the best pop ever... and also some of the worst sludge ever recorded. This song is an example of the latter.
November 14, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #33-31
With today's entry, we're reaching the halfway mark of the countdown... and if you thought the first half of the list sucked, wait till you get a load of the second half!
33. Terry Jacks - "Seasons In The Sun" (1974) Again, it's easy to pick on the 70s. But what the hell kind of pop song is about a dying man's final words? And a dying wuss at that, singing about crap like starfish on the beach and pretty birds in the air. Figures that the original was French. Another thing.... dude, pick a freaking key for your chorus and stick with it. All those key shifts make you sound like either you're terribly indecisive or the record you're lip synching to is on a warped record player that spins at different speeds. So, to sum up: pop song about a dying wuss's last words that doesn't keep a consistent key. Yeah, that's a recipe for pop success, all right.
32. Frank Stallone - "Far From Over" (1983) Hi. My brother's famous, though he's rapidly squandering whatever good will the feel-good "Rocky" brought him, and turning into self-parody. Now he's making one of those sequels that should never have been made -- turning tough Brooklynite Tony Manero from Saturday Night Fever into a wannabe Broadway dancer in Staying Alive? Yeah, it sounds like a bad idea to me too. But my brother's going to let me sing the theme song -- which sounds like it'd be more appropriate for a bad Broadway production than an actual rock song. I'm going to force this sludge -- which again, would never have been recorded if my brother hadn't been directing the movie -- down the world's collective throat until it gags and gasps for air.
Sez Mudge: this video shows just how far John Travolta once sank, and this song shows just how crappy early 80s pop could be.
31. Mark Morrison - "Return Of The Mack" (1996) Okay, this guy sounds like Dave Chapelle imitating Rick James trying to sound like Lionel Richie in "Brick House." This is unimaginative, repetitive hip-hop/R&B crap from a Brit who was apparently trying to wreak revenge on America for our having given England Mrs. Simpson and costing King Edward VIII his throne, by getting this monotonous, insipid song stuck in our national heads.
According to Wikipedia, one of the reasons this chucklehead is a one hit wonder is because he's been in and out of jail in the UK since the single was released in 1996. Here's hoping he ran into Gary Glitter while he was in prison.
That's it.... we're halfway done. I may be back Wednesday night.... otherwise Thursday.
Posted by Christopher at 12:55 AM | Comments (3)Learnings Of Anatomy To Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Curmudgeonland
Take care of your knees, kids. That's my message for today. Take care of them, because they're the only ones you get.
You'll miss them when they're gone.
Posted by Christopher at 12:38 AM | Comments (3)November 13, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #36-#34
36. Joey Scarbury - "Believe It Or Not" (1981) As a general rule, songs that hit the charts after being the theme to a TV show are going to suck and be an embarrassing reminder of the time period later on. This song is Exhibit A in that theory. For while there were some cool things happening in the new wave/post-punk genre, and hair metal was beginning to take shape, pop music was decidedly hideous in 1981. The fact that this cheesy piece of junk managed to go all the way to number two on the pop charts (thank God for "Bette Davis Eyes," or we might have had to live with "Believe It Or Not" having been #1 at some point) is as embarrassing as Members Only jackets, jelly shoes, or legwarmers. Especially when the song is performed by a white tux-wearing goofball with a Tom Selleck p0rn moustache. Awful, awful song -- so bad that I am not going to embed the video. If you really want to see it that badly, click here.
35. Alan O'Day - "Undercover Angel" (1977) Okay, now this song is just freakin' creepy. Not creepy in the good-scary way, like The Exorcist or The Ring or something like that; creepy in the Michael Jackson-sharing-his-bed-with-little-boys way. A lonely guy has a dream about this hot chick that suddenly appears in his bed and cries "love me, love me, love me." But she's not really real; she tells him to "go find the right one" and that when he's looking into the real girl's eyes, he'll see the make-believe one. Uh, yeah. And shortly after he finished writing this song, Alan O'Day walked into Jerry's apartment, looked at George and Elaine, slapped $100 on the counter, and announced "I'm out." The way the guy sings "Alll riiiiight" in the bridge to the chorus really just makes me want to go wash my hands. No real video exists, so here's someone's YouTube made to Charlie's Angels with the real song as the background.
34. Timmy T - "One More Try" (1991) Man, what is it about songs about men who don't have testicles (or conversely, have too much testosterone)? Why is this a recurring theme in popular music? I mean, it's one thing to have screwed up and want to say you're sorry, or to have had the woman walk out and realize that you want her back... but what's with repeated bawling about it (see Nick Lachey, "What's Left Of Me"), or worse yet, Timmy T's stalker song? Seriously, this song makes me think of that jackass we all know who, when faced with a woman who's clearly moved on and doesn't want him anymore, thinks that she just needs to give him one more chance and then he'll win her back... you know, because it's her that just doesn't understand, her that doesn't get how much he wants her, blah blah blah. This is a Class 1 restraining order song.
This song starts out with a rhythm line programmed on the Casio keyboard he bought for $79.99 at Wal-Mart... and then the line, "It's been a long time since you left me." If it's been a long time, chucklehead, then she's not coming back. She doesn't want you. He goes on to say, "And if you knew how much I missed you, you'd forgive me if you could." Ohhh... I see -- so if she knew how much you miss her, that would be enough, huh? Her feelings don't come in to this at all, it's just that if she knew how YOU felt, she'd do what YOU want, is that it? Freaking stalker-ex. Oh - and in the video... is that acid wash I see? No wonder she left you, asshat -- it was 1991, and acid wash had been out for at least two years by then. Asshat.
Posted by Christopher at 06:54 AM | Comments (0)November 12, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #40-#37
40. Blind Melon - "No Rain" (1994) Tim's gonna hate me for this; he loves this song. But I don't. I hate it. The late Shannon Hoon's voice annoyed me (sorry to speak ill of the dead), and this song is repetitive and similarly annoying. And let's be truthful: if not for a brilliantly conceived and easily remembered video, would anyone have played this song at all, much less remembered it more than a decade after its release? This band has director Samuel Bayer and a very annoying little bee girl to thank for their success and their one hit.
39. Donna Lewis - "I Love You Always Forever" (1996) One of the most annoying "love" songs ever made. Repetitive, childish pop. Bland, boring backbeat. Teenage girl 14 year old crush lyrics. And an annoyingly breathy Marilyn Monroe wannabe voice. This song rightfully should be in the top 15. But Donna Lewis was hot (despite inexplicably playing with her boots in the video... what kind of woman plays with her shoes on her hands?), so she gets a flyer and her cruddy song only comes in at #39 out of deference to her being a babe.
38. Anita Ward - "Ring My Bell" (1979) Disco gave us a couple of decent one hit wonders. And a whole plethora of crappy ones. Employing a really stupid euphemism for being able to er, show a woman a good time, this song has everything a stereotypical disco song needs: an overly repetitive chorus that even people from the Norweigian Arctic Circle could keep time to; silly discotheque sound effects (ridiculously chanted along to by the crowd in this embarrassing video), and juvenile allusions to sexuality in the lyrics. In an era full of crappy one hit wonders, this was among the worst.
37. Haddaway - "What Is Love" (1993) The reason that the Will Ferrell/Chris Kattan spoof on Saturday Night Live was so funny was because it so perfectly skewered 90s dance club culture. Everyone knew someone like the Butabi brothers; everyone knew people who danced mechanically to songs like this one; and everyone who liked this song pretty much was an adopted Butabi. Boring, repetitive, unimpressive sludge. Extra points for being a one hit wonder with the chutzpah and self-importance to issue a "greatest hits" album... must've been a CD with 18 tracks of the same song over and over -- a greatest hit collection.
Posted by Christopher at 10:06 AM | Comments (4)Blog Stew: Bob Vila Edition
A few catch-all thoughts/reports:
1) I spent the day trying to play handyman. TG needed new siding on her house, so she and I -- along with her sons and a cadre of other friends -- spent the day teaching ourselves on the fly how to put up siding on a home. None of us had done it (or anything remotely resembling it) before, so there was a lot of sort of learning as we went. Amazingly enough, we got a lot done and everything looks level -- and looks a lot better than I thought it would!
I usually hate situations like that; I am about as useful in traditionally "manly" pursuits -- like carpentry, auto mechanics, or anything DIY - as feathers on a fish. (I'm a writer. We're good at thinking, drinking, and making women swoon. We don't know from hammers and nails unless they're metaphors for something else in life.) But yesterday we all just kind of figured it out, like suburban Amish raising a barn. Or maybe the siding of the barn, anyway.
2) I'm going from amused to offended watching Dubya suck up and play nice with Democrats after we kicked the snot out of hard core right wing extremism in Tuesday's elections. After spending his entire presidency following Rovian strategies to demonize and marginalize anyone who strayed even 1% from the official Cheney/Bush line, now Zippy the Wonder Chimp wants to play nice? As Pete responded over at A Perfectly Cromulent Blog,
That's quite a refreshing change of attitude, considering the Republicans' recent history of excluding Democrats from virtually all aspects of the lawmaking process. Maybe someone should've informed Hastert and Sensenbrenner of their President's desire for bipartisan cooperation before they made midnight votes and closed sessions par for the course... Bush's statements remind me of Arjen Rudd shooting Riggs then hoisting his credentials aloft while claiming "diplomatic immunity."
What he said. Asshats.
3) So Wal-Mart has decided to say Merry Christmas this year in their holiday overload promotions this year. I'm of two minds on all this crap. I mean, on one hand, let's face it: while we strive to be a pluralistic and inclusive society, the truth is that most of the people in this country celebrate or at least observe Christmas. Stores will make most of their money in the next two months from people buying presents for Christmas (not non-denominational observances, and not from celebrating the holidays of other religions). And since today's retail/marketing/commercialist Christmas has about as much to do with reigion as did the moneychangers in the temple, I am not bothered by a store calling the season what it is; if not for "Christmas," the day after Thanksgiving would be a day to sleep off turkey dinners, and December would be a month in which retailers hoped for a late onset to winter so that the weather would keep people in stores and not off snowy roads.
But the whole Christian fundamentalist "backlash" against the so-called "War on Christmas" is one of the most offensive, bigoted, un-American phenomena in the country today... it completely ignores the alleged values of the season (ya know, brotherhood, good will, peace, all that) and attempts to impose one faith upon others by sheer brute rhetorical force. Far from being a season for inclusiveness and togetherness, the extremist Christian movement has conjured up a phony hostility to the season merely to help them enforce conformity, and out of not-at-all-subtle hostility toward those of other faiths or who choose not to keep any faith. This is the kind of hypocritical and theocratic garbage that I disdain the most out of America's evangelical movement, and I don't want retailers rewarding this crap by caving in to it.
It's a good thing I don't shop at Wal-Mart and wouldn't if I were on fire and they were the only water store in the world.
4) Finally, I direct your attention to the stupid drunken Brit found here.
A 22-year-old man suffered internal injuries after lighting a small firecracker he had inserted into his buttocks, paramedics said Thursday. The incident took place Sunday, when Britain celebrated Bonfire Night, traditionally marked with fireworks to celebrate the Guy Fawkes’ gunpowder plot to blow up Parliament in the 17th century. The man suffered burns and other unspecified internal injuries in the incident.
You know, because nothing says "patriotic celebration of one's country and tradtions" like a lit firecracker up your own ass.
Posted by Christopher at 08:41 AM | Comments (1)November 11, 2006
Cheating
I am supposed to be doing a blog post per day this month. But I helped TG hang siding on her house all day, and I can't keep my eyes open. So I'll write more tomorrow. Yeah, I know this is cheating. No, I don't care. :-)
Posted by Christopher at 07:50 PM | Comments (0)November 10, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #44-#41
So much to talk about today, and not near enough time (work has been kicking my backside for about the last month, and I have a ton of things I still owe people), so all there's time for right now are ticking off entries in the list. Sorry for the lack of originality going on here on this blog right now.
44. Kajagoogoo - "Too Shy" (1983) Okay, this was quite possibly the stupidest band name in the history of pop. No, not quite possibly; it just was. It even blows "The 1910 Fruitgum Company" out of the water. And when you get past their stupid name, what did you get? Forgettable, boring, synth-pop. Synthpop was one of the 80s defining sounds and didn't have to be boring -- but in this case, it totally was. And Limahl's hair makes what all of us hair band guys did later in the decade look positively normal by comparison. Okay, am I picking on things other than the song here? Fine. This isn't all about worst songs, it's about worst one hit wonders -- and sometimes the non-musical elements of an act can make them a bad one hit wonder. And I don't care if they'd have written "Welcome To The Jungle," Kajagoogoo would still have sucked.
43. Free - "All Right Now" (1970) This is the one I know will take the most hell for. I know that inexplicably, people like this song. People also like the Black Eyed Peas, Peter Frampton and Emerson Lake & Palmer, as well as Jerry Springer, Pauly Shore, and Larry The Cable Guy. Being popular doesn't make something good (after all, "Macarena" has the longest run at #1 of any song in US history). And this song is merely an embodiment of all that sucks about classic rock. Three chords and the truth is a great formula for a great song when done well; when done lazily and blandly, you get Free.
42. Van McCoy - "The Hustle" (1975) Hey, I like a good novelty dance song as much as the next guy. I mean, The Hustle, The Twist, Mashed Potato Time, Buffalo Gals, the Macarena... no wait... I hate novelty dance songs as the sludge they are. No video exists on YouTube (okay, there's some college kid who did a vid to it, but I didn't want to post it), but just trust me if you haven't heard it. This song sucked. Hear it, and you instantly start scouring your room for pet rocks, clogs, polyester bell bottoms... this could have been the song the Festrunk Brothers cruised chicks to.
41. David Soul - "Don't Give Up On Us" (1976) Hutch from Starsky and Hutch sings wussy 70s sensitive man songs. (Which is ironic, given that later on in life, he beat up his pregnant wife.... wonder if she thinks he was a one HIT wonder?) And while most actors who try to do pop are deserving only of ridicule and not inclusion on a one hit wonders list, when the hit in question contributes to the collective body of 1970s Testosterone Sucking Sap -- along with Kenny Nolan's "I Like Dreamin'", Alice Cooper's "You And Me,", and "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight" by England Dan and John Ford Coley) means that you make it on to the bad one hit wonders list. That, and for being Hutch.
Posted by Christopher at 07:05 AM | Comments (2)November 09, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #47-#45
You get three of 'em today, because I don't have time to write anything else, and because well frankly, I'm evilly hoping that at least one of these gets stuck in your head all day today.
47. Patrick Swayze - "She's LIke The Wind" (1988) Generally I excluded actors from this list as the novelty acts that they are. But in a couple of cases, the crimes against popular culture were so great that the perpetrator had to be held responsible for his misdoings. This was one of them. First of all, I hated this movie, so the song had a knock against it already. But outside of that... with lyrics straight from a 5th grade haiku class and a sappy piano melody, this song was instantly in Debby Boone territory before Swayze even opened his mouth. And while I thought nothing would ever make me want to hear Swayze say "Nobody puts Baby in a corner" again, him singing "She leads me to moonlight, only to burn me with the sun" made me nostalgiac for when he only spoke his awful lines instead of singing them. Embedding disabled on this clip, so to hear it click here.
46. Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods - "Billy Don't Be A Hero" (1974) Picking on the 1970s is too easy; we could easily have made an entire list of "70s Songs That Were Hideous" or something. The entire decade left cheddar and gouda in the dust -- it was a Limberger decade. Other than my brother and TG being born, Star Wars coming out, and the Cheryl Tiegs see through photo in Sports Illustrated, nothing good came from the decade, and we'd be well off to erase it from the fabric of time.
Moving on to this song, it's a cheesy anti-war ballad about Vietnam the Civil War in which a brave young man's fiancee tells him to come home safe from battle, and he instead volunteers for a dangerous mission, gets himself blowed up, and she gets mad at him for it. So simplistic, they could have called it "2, 4, 6, 8, We Don't Want Your Watergate" and it would have had equal sophistication. And the song prominently features a friggin' flute; what kind of rock and roll tune has flute? (Anyone wishing to answer "Jethro Tull" has merely proven my point.) There's no video of the actual Heywoods on YouTube, so here's some kid's anime movie to the song.
45. Zager and Evans - "In The Year 2525" (1969) From somewhere in the stoned-out bizarro boomer world of the 60s came this combination of apocolyptic fear-mongering, paranoid technophobia, and Rapture-hoping Jesus cult wishing. In a nutshell, the song is all about how we're going to ride progress to our own extinction. Maybe if they'd have thrown a line or two more in there about how we've fouled up our nest along the way and poisoned our earth to the brink of its ability to sustain us, and breeded ourselves like Tribbles, I'd be less inclined to dismiss this song as hippie-freakout 60s relic leftovers from a bad acid trip. As far as I am aware, Zager and Evans are the only artists on this list to be one hit wonders in two countries (US and UK) whose only hit was a #1 song. And when you think of what else was on the charts in 1969 ("Aquarius" and "Sugar Sugar" by the Archies), it makes me glad I can't remember being alive then.
Posted by Christopher at 07:17 AM | Comments (5)
E-Mail Issues
For those (like my brother in Africa) who were hoping for or expecting an e-mail from me... I worked late tonight (gave a keynote in Manhattan) and then came home to find out that my personal e-mail account company is having issues. I can't get to it, in fact. So I am declaring temporary e-mail bankruptcy -- I owe more than I can catch up with.
I'll write y'all later this week, I promise.
Posted by Christopher at 12:21 AM | Comments (0)November 08, 2006
The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #49-#48
49. Deep Blue Something - "Breakfast at Tiffany's" (1996) Actually, from a musical standpoint this song wasn't bad; decent harmonies, a good hook that got into people's heads... the problem with "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is the lyrics. A song about a couple who have nothing in common except liking an old Audrey Hepburn movie -- and that being enough, because "well, that's the one thing we got." WTF? All the verses are about breaking up, but in the chorus you stick together because you both like a movie? That might just be the stupidest boy-girl dynamic ever in pop music. This isn't a bad song, but DBS is one of the worst one hit wonders just for these lyrics.
For the record, I like Breakfast at Tiffany's too. TG was named after a character in the movie. (TG stands for Tara Golightly. ;-) )
48. Climax - "Precious And Few" (1972) If this is what people were getting it on to back in 1972, it's a miracle that there were any babies born in 1973. In theory, there should be no 33 year old people anywhere in America right now, because couples were falling asleep in the middle of doing the fun stuff, thanks to this song. Its parenthetical title should be: "Precious And Few (Coitus Intersnorus)". I mean, look at the audience in the video... do you see one hand clapping? One head nodding? And what's with the lead singer having combination of the puffy shirt with fringes? And with a plunging neckline to reveal chest hair worthy of Robin Williams? Seriously... ladies: was that look EVER sexy?
Add into the mix that overemotive break-down third verse to close the song ("precious and few are the moments we two can shaaaa-AY-AY-AY-ARE!!!!"), which might be five of the cheesiest seconds in pop music's continuum, and you have a definite suckitude candidate. This song might have been playing in Austin Powers' groovy 70s pad while he purred "Do I make you horny, baby? Do I?" Ugh. No, you don't.
Posted by Christopher at 07:23 AM | Comments (1)The Greatest Day In The History Of Anything
The good guys won the House. It's entirely likely that they got the Senate. And Britney Spears left Kevin Do You Want Fries With That.
November 7, 2006 might just have been the greatest day in the history of the world.
Britney already is showing a desire to show off her return-from-baby body. She's ditching 200 more pounds of useless weight shortly. And she needs lots of publicity surrounding her comeback album if she wants to sell more records.
That comeback Playboy pictorial happens in 2007, kids. I am the happiest man in the world.
Posted by Christopher at 07:19 AM | Comments (2)Open Letters
Dear America: Thank you for telling George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, Ken Mehlman and especially Karl Rove to fork off. You restored my faith last night.
Dear Virginia: Please do the recount right. Whichever candidate legitimately won your Senate seat, Democrat or Republican, please conduct a fair, impartial, accurate and objective recount; let's not see a repeat of Florida 2000. Don't let brownshirted political operatives show up to start pounding on doors and intimidating anyone; don't let partisan state officials from either party start obviously steering and manipulating the results. I realize that there is a lot of power at stake -- but rather than this making it important for either party to force their person into the Senate, it merely makes it all the more important to get it right. Please... get it right.
Dear South Dakota: Thank you for using the sliver of brain you have not been using for so long.
Dear Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid: Congratulations. Now don't mess it up. See, there is no one on the planet who wants to see George W. Bush and Dick Cheney impeached and tried for their crimes more than me. No one. And part of me really, really wants to see you go after these criminals to the fullest extent of the law -- so that the assault that they have waged on the US Constitution and American values can never, ever happen again.
But you know what? Six years of moronic neoconservative rule have broken our nation and our system almost to the point of being beyond repair. The worst president in US history, combined with extremist Christian lackeys in the Congress, have decimated our nation -- and things need to be fixed. We are still a great country; what is perhaps greatest about us is our ability, shown time and time again in history, to rise and meet towering challenges and conquer them. Today, such a massive challenge faces our nation. Things have been horrendously broken in the past six years. If we allow ourselves to be dragged down by the prosecution of those responsible for what's been done to America, we only delay the recovery and the fixing of the problems. And this time, no delay is acceptable -- we are in a crisis, and if someone doesn't fix things in the next two years, the next president -- of either party -- may be faced with a morass that's too deep to fix. America may want revenge against Bush. But what America needs is leadership.
Learn from Republican mistakes -- and frankly, from your own... the ones that led you to lose the Congress in 1994. You cannot become corrupt; you must not engage in bitter, divisive partisanship; and we cannot afford two more years of 'leading' through demagoguery. You must insist upon squeaky clean behavior from the members of the majority party in Congress; no ethical transgressions can be tolerated, and none can be covered up in hopes of holding power. You must reach across the aisle where possible to lead together; six years of neocon madness in the White House and 12 years of vindictive right wing rule on Capitol Hill have shown the ineffectiveness of the battering ram philosophy of government. As a Democrat, I want the Republicans to suffer every ignominy they forced on us since 1995. As an American, I know that won't do the country any good.
You must find a way to get us out of Iraq without contributing further to the chaos and instability caused by George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and their despicable lies. No, it won't be easy to figure out how to do that; I don't have the answer, actually. But leadership is by definition not easy. You asked me and us for this mantle; we have now given it to you. Rise to the occasion. Lead. The people of the US and of the world are watching.
Our earth, the one we share with the other peoples of the planet, is in dire straits; global warming is real, and is beginning to have potetnially catastrophic consequences. We need to take action to clean up our home. You must lead in that realm too. The world is watching.
Our great nation has serious economic disparities facing us; we need to you to fix them. We put you in office largely as a rejection of what we had until now, despite the fact that neither of you, Nancy or Harry, put forth much of anything in the way of an alternate policy proposition. You will not deserve to be returned to the leadership if you don't begin to solve the problems we face. "We're not Bush" goes great when campaigning. It is not a path to effective governance. Develop a plan that makes sense and that works, and then execute on it. Lead.
We've turned to you because of just how hideously the current administration and congressional leadership have fouled the nest during their time in power. But this power is on loan, not a permanent gift. If you fail to lead, we will take it back and look elsewhere for leaders. 12 years of demonizing and divisive rule is enough. Lead. Please.
Posted by Christopher at 07:18 AM | Comments (1)November 07, 2006
Election Night Live Blogging
I'm going to be live blogging the election night coverage. You ask me, after being away from DC for a decade, do I miss the game? Oh hell yes.
12:50 am Correction: my sleepy eyes read it wrong; McCaskell not leading in Missouri.
12:43 am Couldn't sleep. Holy schnikies... McCaskell takes the lead in Missouri with 74% of the precincts in? Webb ahead in VA before the recount? Tester kicking the snot out of Burns so far? Were these to hold up... it's 48-49 right now if you count Lieberman as a Dem, 47-50 if you don't. (I don't). If this holds, it'd be 51-49 if you count Lieberman as a D, 50-50 with control to the Rs if he switches like I think he will.
11:52 pm My last post on this tonight. 99% of the votes counted in Virginia... 2.3 million votes cast... the candidates are separated by 2,376 votes. Recount is definitely coming. That's 1/10th of a percentage point, kids. 49.48 percent, to 49.38 percent. Holy cow.
It's a work night and it's midnight. I'm signing off. Good night.
11:30 pm 98% of the VA vote in; about 6,000 votes separate the candidates. Please, please get the recount right and make it fair and accurate.
11:16 pm Holy smack. Virginia has 97% of the vote in, more than 2.2 million votes cast, and it's separated by 12,000 votes. That's les than half of a percent.
Meanwhile, Curt Weldon has lost in Pennsylvania to Joe Stesak. And wow -- looks like John Hall might have knocked off Sue Kelly in my home county - Westchester County. SWEET - John Sweeney lost in upstate NY to Kirsten Gillibrand. MSNBC now projects 234-201 for the Dems in the House.
11:09 pm The Senate will not go to the Dems (which sucks, because that means the Evildoers still get to oversee Supreme Court justices, stacking the court with reactionary activists). Missouri is trending toward Talent, and it appears that it's a legit result (at least so far). Tennessee will go to Corker. And Virginia has Allen up by a little more than half a percent. Even if Tester holds on in Montana, it's not going to be enough -- it will be a 51-49 Senate, I think.
11:05 pm Jon Kyl is going to hold on in Arizona. Not a surprise. That makes it either 47-45 or 48-44, depending on how you see Lieberman.
10:57 pm MSNBC just projected the House will end up 231 Dems, 204 Rs. That's +29 for the Dems... which I think you'll see from last night's post, a certain Curmudgeon predicted. To the number.
10:51 pm Clay Shaw lost in Florida, Space beat Padgett in Ohio, and Heath Shuler knocked off Charles Taylor in North Carolina. That's three more for the good guys in the House. I think they're up what, six now so far? Senate looks 46-45 if you count Lieberman as a Dem, 47-44 if you count him as an R.
10:31 pm Wow. Early results have Pederson over Kyl in Arizona. That would be absolutely huge if it held up.
10:22 pm 90% of the vote in, more than 2,000,000 votes cast, and the Virginia race is still separated by 30,000 votes. Looks like we're headed to recount-land. Come on, Virginia -- get this right. If Allen holds on and wins in the count (I can't say fairly" given the dirty tricks his campaign engaged in that's got them being investigated by the FBI), so be it -- but do the recount efficiently, accurately, and objectively... let's not see a repeat of 2000 in Florida. Do it right. Please.
10:08 pm Watching the conservative media spin the results so far is making me ill. On every network, I am watching them puppet the line: the Democrats are winning by having candidates who act like Republicans. No mention of the fact that this election is a huge repudiation and rejection of George W. Bush, his divisive, rudderless policies... if you listen to the talking heads, they're all parroting the conservative line -- you would barely know that Bush is president. Make no mistake, you forking chuckleheads: this election wasn't about Democrats skewing rightward; it was and is a rejection of the piece of garbage you have in the White House, and the moronic policies that he's enacted.
The conservative media is striking again.
10:00 pm Proving that the people of Connecticut haven't lost all their senses, Murphy knocks off Johnson -- another pickup in the House.
9:32 pm This one surprises me: CNN is now projecting that Whitehouse has beaten Lincoln Chafee in Rhode Island. I'm sorry to see this, actually -- a moderate voice gone from the Republican party. (Of course they'd say the same about Lieberman.) Anyway, that would be a third pickup in the Senate for the Dems. Also, in the House, Donnelly wins in Indiana -- the third big pickup for the Dems in the House.
Dick Armey was just on MSNBC and looks like he just swallowed a strychnine-laced hornet. His opening line? "It's a pretty grim night." Ha!
9:23 pm CNN and MSNBC projecting that Cardin holds the Democratic Senate seat in Maryland. And YES!!! Yarmuth picks off Northrup in Kentucky, according to CNN. BIG. Senate looks like 44-42-2 according to CNN.
9:15 pm It looks like Jackass Lieberman seems to have returned to the Senate despite being unwilling to respect the will of the people. Memo to Lieberman: You are a piece of garbage and refuse, and I urge you to officially switch to the Republican Party where you've been voting all this time anyway. I don't want you in my party. Even if it costs us the Senate, I don't want you. You're scum and there's no room for you in my party. I can handle differences of opinion. I can't abide quislings.
9:02 pm Okay, the 9:00 pm poll closings are in, and now CNN has the balance at 44-41 R to D so far... MSNBC has it 45 to 41 to 1 independent. So far they're all projecting that basically all the expected holds have held. Klobuchar won in Minnesota, which is cool for my old home state. In VA, with 66% in, 6,000 votes separate Allen over Webb. That one's going to come down to late night counting. Oh - and Michigan's governor (and MILF) Debbie Granholm has been re-elected. Arizona governor Janet Napolitano appears to have held on to her seat as well. It's also fun to see Katherine Harris -- the harpie from hell who delivered the illegal win in Florida to the Bush family in 2000 -- getting her ass handed to her by more than 20 points.
8:57 pm Joe Scarborough is defending himself from Chris Matthews and Howard Dean on MSNBC right now -- and I have to say, I agree with him. I don't agree with his politics, but I do think he's one of the few out there anymore who actually tries to do an objective, down-the-middle assessment of what's happening. He's better than Matthews and Dean give him credit to be, and he deserved better tonight.
8:43 pm Looks like Webb is down 11,000 votes in Virginia with 56% of the vote in so far. Given the despicable tactics we saw there from Republicans trying to supress the vote through intimidation, this may not be a surprise.
8:36 pm NBC is projecting both a Democratic win in Pennsylvania (Casey over idiot Santorum), and in New Jersey (Menendez over Kean), which means another pickup -- Ohio and Pennsylvania. +2 in the Senate. In Virginia, 50% of the vote is in and it's still neck and neck and goosing each other. I'd argue that Hostetler losing in southern Indiana, Northrup being close in KY, and Heath Shuler in striking distance of Charles Taylor in North Carolina could mean a bigger turnover in the House than I'd thought. Still, it's early and I don't trust exit polls or fair vote counting, so let's not count anything yet.
8:17 pm Turnout is reported high all across the country -- especially in key states like Virginia and Ohio. Connecticut too. This bodes very well for the Democrats this year. High turnout means that lots of voters who want change -- in any year -- are highly motivated and are showing up in droves. In past years, like 1994, that worked against the Democrats. Tonight, however, it means that the change voters -- people sick of George W. Bush, his lies, his administration's incompetence, divisiveness and deceit -- are showing up in droves. It bodes very poorly for Republicans if the elections are fair. George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Karl Rove may well be repudiated and rejected tonight.
So far, Democrats picked up the governor's mansion in Ohio, along with electing Senator Sherrod Brown. It appears that Democrats may have picked up a key House seat -- Anne Northrup, Kentucky Republican, seems headed to a defeat. If a strong Republican in a strongly Republican district in a heavily red state has lost, then it's going to be a very long night for the bad guys. Also, Bush's spokesperson has announced that he is going to bed early tonight and will make no statements. Bad sign for the Rs.
Oh - and if the allegations in New Jersey prove true -- if there were voting machines pre-loaded with Democratic votes -- then those responsible should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and then up to 11. We're better than that; we're not Republicans -- we win fairly. If someone pulled that stunt, they should be in jail. End of story.
Posted by Christopher at 08:18 PM | Comments (0)Caught 'Em
The SOB's were so blatant (or so desperate), they got caught this time.
Richmond, VA -- Jean Jensen, Secretary of the Virginia State Board of Elections, confirms that the FBI is now looking into possible voter intimidation in the US Senate race between Republican incumbent George Allen and Democrat Jim Webb. Jensen says state officials alerted the Justice Department yesterday to several complaints of suspicious phone calls to voters that attempted to misdirect or confuse them about election day. She adds she has now been contacted by FBI agents. The FBI in Richmond refuses to comment.
In a written statement issued by the Webb campaign, state Democratic party counsel Jay Myerson says he believes that Republicans are behind an orchestrated effort to suppress votes for Webb. Republican officials, including the executive director of the Virginia Republican party, say the GOP and the Allen campaign are focused on mobilizing voters and have not discouraged anyone from voting.
Posted by Christopher at 09:38 AM | Comments (0)Vote
Today is Election Day. We are Americans. Please vote.
By now, you know who I hope you vote for -- or more importantly what I hope you vote against. And I don't shy from my convictions, not in this post, not today, not ever. But this post is about simply encouraging you to make use of your rights as an American citizen and casting your ballot.
Sure, the system is not perfect. We're often given an unenviable choice between two poor candidates, and the strangehold that the two major parties have on the system is unfortunate to say the least. Money has corrupted the process in the best analysis, and others might argue that the votes aren't being counted properly or fairly, and that many who should be allowed to vote are not being allowed. Criticisms are accurate and fair. And you should vote anyway.
In our lifetimes we have witnessed other nations throwing off the shackles of oppression and tyranny and being able to exercise their right to vote. We have seen lines of people waiting to vote stretching for miles in South Africa; joyful participation in the voting process in the nations of the former Soviet Union and in Eastern Europe. The United States likes to believe ourselves as the pre-eminent democracy in the world... but the hallmark of democracy is that the people get to choose their leadership -- and in too many elections, not even half the people of our democracy choose to do so. That is a shame.
Vote Democratic. Or vote Republican if you really feel you must. Just vote. You're an American, and it does matter.
Posted by Christopher at 07:23 AM | Comments (6)The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #51 and #50
51. Timex Social Club - "Rumors" (1986) A stupid song on more levels than Dante found in Hell. First of all, the singer says rumors are bad, wicked, and generally not nice... then spends the song passing along rumors about everyone else. I bet Gina, Michael, and Susan are pretty pissed, huh? "I think I'll write my Congressman, and ask him to pass a bill... the next time they catch somebody starting rumors,shoot to kill." Given that he spent the second verse passing around rumors, and the fact that Timex Social Club was mercifully never heard from again, maybe thr Congress was listening, huh?
And he passes off a rumor about himself in every chorus! "My best friend says there's one out now about me and the girl next door." Well if you don't want people hearing the rumor, then why the hell are you singing about it?
This song sucked so bad that even the band knew it; to escape association with this hideous song, they changed their name and a couple of people in the lineup and became "Club Nouveau" -- and as which, they murdered a Bill Withers classic and destroyed "Lean On Me." Terrible song, terrible people doing terrible things to terrible music.
50. Marcy Playground - "Sex and Candy" (1997) Okay, I am a fan of minimalism in many cases -- but this took it to extremes. The guy sings as if he were stoned, tripping, or was perhaps a sociopathic serial killer who's touching the business end of a 9 volt battery to his tongue. And really, quite honestly.... if you haven't been one of the people involved in it, who really wants to smell sex? Who really wants to hear someone singing about something you don't want to smell unless you were in the middle of it? And what the hell does candy have to do with any of this? And what's with the rest of the lyrics? This is the only song to combine "disco superfly," "platform double suede," and "disco lemonade" into a song, much less the same song. Too much caffiene indeed. Stupid song from a deserving one hit wonder.
Posted by Christopher at 06:38 AM | Comments (5)November 06, 2006
Predictions As If The Elections Were Legitimate
In a way, it's foolhardy to even do a predictions post; I honestly, truly, as sure as I am sitting here typing believe that the Republican Party and conservative elements control the voting machines in this country, are engaging in purges of voter rolls, and will engage in their usual dirty tricks in order to prevent a free election. I honestly believe that the people of Saddam's Iraq or Brezhnev's Soviet Union had better odds of an honest, free and fair election than do the citizens of the United States of America under George W. Bush. The Republicans have it rigged, and where they can't rig it they will pull their usual stunts like they've already been caught doing in New Hampshire and Virginia to try and defraud the populace out of voting.
When it's over tomorrow and the Republicans have stolen another one, we'll be treated by the subservient conservative media to more stories about how Karl Rove is a genius and how the polls read everybody wrong... and that this election was another mandate for Bush. Mark my words. But, it's a fun little parlor game to pretend the elections are real and to predict who would win if a real election were happening. So, let's engage in that parlor game, shall we? (I'm only going to predict the "key" races.)
Senate: In Connecticut, Joe Lieberman has proven that he has no respect for either democracy or the will of the people. Despite this, the Nutmeggers will inexplicably return him to the Senate -- where he will defect to the Republicans to officially sit where he's belonged all the while anyway... making the man who doesn't respect the will of the people into the most powerful man in the Senate.
In Maryland, Ben Cardin has run one of the most lackluster campaigns ever... but it's a blue state and he'll hold off Michael Steele. In Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum goes down to the most welcome defeat since Nicolae Ceaucescu was toppled in Romania. Casey's not much better, but at least Santorum's out of there. In New Jersey, Bob Menendez will hold on; NJ is a blue state and the tradition will carry him over. In Rhode Island, Chafee will edge out Whitehouse after a late surge. In Ohio, Brown sends DeWine packing.
In Tennessee, the Republican's shameful race-baiting ads have worked; Corker will beat Ford. Tennesseeans should be ashamed of themselves for allowing that ad to work. In Virginia, Allen will be hurt by revelations of what the Republicans are doing in the state to supress the vote, and it's going to be enough to deliver Webb the upset. In Missouri, Claire McCaskill holds off Jim Talent in the closest election of the night. In Montana, Tester beats Burns. In Arizona, Kyl beats Pederson.
To sum up: the current balance is 55-45 Republicans. Were the elections fair and honest tomorrow, the Democrats would gain seats in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Virginia, Montana and Missouri; they'll hold seats in New Jersey, Florida, Minnesota, Maryland, and everywhere else they had one. They'll theoretically hold Connecticut, but Joe Lieberman will switch sides officially after the election. The Republicans will hold Tennessee, Rhode Island, and Arizona, plus everywhere else. So... I have that as a five seat gain for the Democrats -- which would tie things at 50-50 -- until Lieberman jumps ship to deliver the Senate back to the Sith Lords. OFFICIAL COUNT WHEN ALL IS SAID & DONE: 51 R votes, 49 D.
The House: Democrats will pick up 29 seats. The current balance is 232 R, 203 D. When it's over, it will be the mirror of that: 232 D, 203 R. The long national nightmare that is a Republican House is over; the long national nightmare of Speaker Pelosi begins, thus ensuring that whatever good might have come from a Democratic victory will quickly be peed away by a directionless "leader" who doesn't seem to stand for anything.
Them's my predictions, kids.
Posted by Christopher at 10:01 PM | Comments (0)Republicans At Work: Dirty Tricks To Steal The Election Post #1
Because honest, free and fair elections that reflect the will of the people are such a threat to the Republican Party and its extremist agenda... here's the first of what I am sure will be many reports on Republican vote fraud and dirty tricks in the 2006 elections.
In New Hampshire, the Republican Party is engaging in "robocalling" to people who have signed up for the do-not-call list -- more than 200,000 calls in all were made. The New Hampshire Attorney General determined that the calls were illegal... and instructed the Republicans to stop doing it. Their response? We're not stopping, and you can't make us. They told the Attorney General they would stop -- and then turned right around and started them up again.
"We have not agreed to stop the calls," said Alex Burgos, a spokesman for the NRCC. "Our calls will continue independently of the Charlie Bass campaign and in compliance with all applicable laws.
In Virginia, a more sinister type of Republican fraud is underway. Courtesy of Daily Kos... here's one of the phone calls being made to voters in Virginia by Republicans tonight.
"This message is for Timothy Daly. This is the Virginia Elections Commission. We've determined you are registered in New York to vote. Therefore, you will not be allowed to cast your vote on Tuesday. If you do show up, you will be charged criminally."
Daly has been registered to vote in Virginia since 1998, and he has voted for the last several cycles with no problem. He has filed a criminal complaint with the Commonwealth's attorney in Arlington.
They're shamless, vile, disgusting people -- but this is the only way conservatives can hold on to power: by lying, misleading, and out and out threatening people with criminal charges. There's more.
a. Norman Cox has been registered to vote in the same location in Arlington since 1972. Someone from a 406 number (in Montana) called to tell him that his polling place has changed. [Note: The Webb Campaign is NOT making any such phone calls.] Cox said he believed that he was being mislead and the caller hung up.
b. Peter Baumann in Cape Charles, VA (North Hampton) got a similar call from a "Webb volunteer" saying his polling location had changed. He said: No, I'm a poll worker and I know where I vote. The girl--who was calling from California--hung up.
The Secretary of the State Board of Elections Jean Jensen has logged dozens of similar calls, finding heavy trends in Accomack County (middle peninsula) and Essex County (o