June 06, 2006
Happy Evil Day!!!
As it's impossible not to know by now, today is 6-6-06. As in 6-6-6, the number the superstitious of the world seem to honestly believe as the number of the Anti-Christ. So in theory, today is Evil Day.
The sad and pathetic Hollywood remake of 1976's classic "The Omen" opens today. In the movie, a couple is tormented by bearing the son of the devil. In the sad and pathetic real world, there are reports of pregnant women taking drastic steps to avoid giving birth today and thus inviting the same fate.
Dolores Huhn is nine months pregnant, and says as a Christian she feels protected from 666. "I mean there's some evil associated with that number of course," she said. But ask her husband Jesse, and he'll tell you he doesn't want a delivery day tainted by Satan... "I'm hoping that the baby is not born on that day," he said. "Because that's the mark of the beast, man."
Seems to me that, had Satan done the nasty with your wife and sired an unholy offspring, the least of your worries would be which specific day the child was born on. I mean, the Beelzebaby would still be in there, just waiting for a different day to be born. And there's still that whole issue of the devil and your wife making like Paris Hilton. I mean, how do you get that image out of your head and try to move forward in the relationship? I mean, you just know that Satan's gotta be hung like John Holmes, right? How do you think he scores chicks in the first place? You know what they say about guys with big horns...
Anyway, I'm firmly of the belief that the devil's already here. He lives in this big white house in Washington DC. So I'm not all that worried about any child with odd birthmarks coming today. How much more damage could such a child do than has already been done?
With that in mind, here's like this totally awesome list of the top ten Evil things in the modern pop culture world.Here are the top ten evidences of Satan's work here on earth:
10. American Idol. I've already made my feelings known about this show.
9. The whole rock star-supermodel thing. Please... like Ric Ocasek belonged in the same room with Paulina Porizkova? Like Mick Jagger shouldn't still be a virgin at 64 with that face? And yet, it happens over and over again. (Hey wait... why'd I quit singing with the band again?)
8. Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant. If you're really worried about Satan's spawn, here's where to look.
7. Jennifer Lopez. A low class, bad-'tude, Jerry Springer reject turns a decent ass into a multi-million dollar career?
6. The fact that Alabama gets electoral votes. Maybe that whole "literacy test" thing wasn't such a bad idea. Today, no one in 'Bammy would get anywhere near a hanging chad.
5. Roseanne. Ok, so the reference is more than a decade old now, and she's faded into obscurity. But for a time, she had the #1 TV show in America -- and Satan still laughs mockingly in our directions for having pulled that one off.
4. Rush Limbaugh You just know that from somewhere down below, Father Coughlin is high-fiving Satan and saying, "We're ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-ck!"
3. Pauly Shore, Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville, Larry the Cable Guy. The Four Horsemen of the Lowest Common Denominator/Low Class Unfunny Apocolypse.
2. K-Fed. How in the hell did this trailer park reject with at least 11 guaranteed future appearances on "Cops" manage to marry and perpetually impregnate America's hottest other trailer park reject? Federline, your soul's gonna burn for taking what was mine.
1. Ann Coulter. Sure, I could have gone the easy route and named the entire Republican regime as evidence of Satan's handiwork. Between Bush, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfeld, DeLay, Lay, Dobson, Bauer, Wolfowitz, Feith, and Bill O'Reilly, you can't swing a stick without hitting a likely spawn of Satan among prominent conservatives. (Though if you want to swing sticks at conservatives, who am I to counsel you against it?) But it's so much more fun to point out that shrill, screeching, harpie -- who looks like Jack Skellington from "The Nightmare Before Christmas" -- as carrying the unholy blood of Lucifer coursing through her veins. Her name is Legion.
Posted by Christopher at 06:53 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBackFebruary 14, 2006
Totalitarian Pastries
Glad to see that the House Republicans don't have the corner on stupid food re-naming tricks... and that "Freedom Fries" is now no longer the stupidest sobriquet ever conceived for edibles.
Iranians have decided to rename the “Danish pastries” relished by this nation of cake lovers. From now on, the sweet, flaky pastries which dominate the shelves in Iran’s cake shops will be known as "Roses of the Prophet Muhammad," the official IRNA news agency reported as pressure on Denmark over the cartoons took on a new dimension.
Ah yes. Because silly things like changing what you call food will distract people from the policies of your government. It's a good thing that conservatives are smart enough to realize tha... wait a minute... uh, scratch that.
I think we really ought to defend the Danish. After all, Ty Webb's lines in Caddyshack don't ring as amusing without them. "A flute without holes is not a flute... a donut without holes is a Rose of the Prophet Muhammad." Just doesn't have the same funny ring to it, wouldn't you agree?
Posted by Christopher at 10:21 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBackJanuary 18, 2006
Some People Need Lives
In one of the surest signs yet that what's left of American culture is going directly into the sewer system, someone has actually paid $25,000 for... one of William Shatner's kidney stones.
Actually, it's worse than that. It's not that someone has paid 25 Gs for it. I could probably live with it if it was some internet geek who'd never yet left his parents' basement, yet managed to build a new business that earned him a fortune. I'd be able to blow it off as just the utter geekiness of someone whom fortune has chosen inexplicably to smile upon. But nooooooo. The buyer was an online casin0 famous for its growing collection of oddities.
[the business] is noted for its collection of oddities, which includes a partially eaten cheese sandwich thought to contain the image of the Virgin Mary. “This is a bold new addition to our fleet,” [business] Chief Executive Officer Richard Rowe said in a statement. Shatner, who played Kirk on the original “Star Trek” TV show and won an Emmy for his role on “Boston Legal,” passed the stone last fall.
This online business expects to raise interest and get people to come to it because it owns William Shatner's kidney stone and a grilled cheese sandwich of the Virgin Mary. And the worst thing is, there will be people who do go to their site because of stuff like this. Granted, none of them will have more than four teeth and will likely have sired at least one of their own siblings, but it's mindboggling nonetheless.
Posted by Christopher at 06:16 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBackJanuary 12, 2006
Chuck Norris Facts... and Reacts
Courtesy of Boing Boing, this gave me quite a laugh when I read it -- and gave me a begrudging respect for an aging action movie star who seems to have a sense of humor and some Net savvy. There's a site out there called "Chuck Norris Facts" that was easily the funniest thing I've seen all week. (True, I've had kind of an unfunny week, but these are still amusing.) It lists a whole series of obviously made up "facts" about how badass 80s action star and 90s TV star Chuck Norris is. Among my favorites:
-- Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
-- The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
-- Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
From Boing Boing's entry, it appears that the origin of these witticisms is somewhat in question; this guy says he started it. I don't care where it started, these are pretty funny. But where the story gets interesting is when you read the real Chuck Norris' response to it all. He's pushing 70 now, so you might not expect that he'd be one to "get" Internet humor or know what to do with it. But his response is smart.
Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month.
First, he shows a sense of humor. Next, humility ("I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously.") Then, he tries to use them to his advantage in an overt yet unintrusive way. This is either a very smart man, or he has very wise advisors. Either way, that's a very smart response from a guy who clearly "gets it."
I've never been a fan of Chuck Norris; action movies ain't my thing (demonizing whoever America's most feared enemy du jour is, or blowing stuff up/kicking people/vigilante justice crap does nothing for me), and the love that Christian activists showed for Walker, Texas Ranger was enough to guarantee that it would never see my television set. But I'll cut Mr. Norris some slack after reading his response. Besides, if I don't, he might give me a roundhouse kick to the face.
Posted by Christopher at 07:00 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBackScenes From An Instant Message Session: The Olsen Twins
An recent IM session between my friend The Beav (her blog is far raunchier than mine, so consider yourself forewarned if you're heading over there...) and I that I still find amusing (note: in this conversation, I will be playing the role of the not funny one):
Mudge: LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears tops Mr. Blackwell’s annual Worst-Dressed list for looking like “an over-the-hill Lolita.” Mary-Kate Olsen’s dumpster chic lands her in second place.
Mudge: Dammit
Beav: wow
Mudge: my two favorite too-young-to-look-at chicks
Beav: ok what is with MK
Beav: are you SURE you've got the right one?
Beav: that woman is HIDEOUS
Mudge: Blackwell says it looks like Olsen needs bug spray instead of perfume.
Mudge: MK is much better than Ashley
Beav: no freakin way
Mudge: i like boho girls
Beav: you are CRAZY
Beav: I hate the word boho
Beav: boohoo
Mudge: ashley looks like some suburban princess
Beav: yeah, but that's her style -- her face is pretty at least
Beav: MK looks like a heroin addicted fraggle
Mudge: lol
Mudge: MK looks like she's real. too thin, but real
Beav: BLECH
Beav: real skeletal
Mudge: like she'd kick back a beer with ya, while ashley would snoot if the white wine wasn't expensive enough
Beav: ethiopian chic
Mudge: MK looks easier, too. ;-)
Beav: easy to lose in the couch
Mudge: LOL
Mudge: find her with the quarters?
Beav: yeah man!
Beav: you're vacuuming and you hear a THWOK
Mudge: LOL
Beav: and then a knock from inside the canister
Beav: "[mudge]! it's me, MK"
January 03, 2006
Dead Pool 2006
I've been a morbid fan of dead pools ever since 1994. I was working at the Minnesota State Capitol back then as a committee clerk in the Senate, and some guys in the office had one going. I got in... and in April when Kurt Cobain and Richard Nixon, both on my list, died in the same month, I was hooked. It's a sick, slightly off-kilter thing to do, starting a pool on people kicking the bucket, but the best way to defeat fear of anything is to laugh at it, so I'm always trying to start one up in my neck of the woods.
Unfortunately, my friends can be quite, uh... fraidy-cats, to use a more polite name. "It's chasing bad karma," one very good friend (and semi-frequent commenter on this blog) can be counted on to whine each year. So I never get one going in the office. But then I realized that my blog might actually be good for something -- I can have a big ol' dead pool through the blog. (And I've made chasing bad karma an art form over the years... to bad karma, I say "bring it.")
So - the rules are simple. One, no selecting a member of the current administration. As much as I might despise them and wish bad karma on them, I don't need the Secret Service pounding down my door. Two, there's no money involved... though I will gladly buy the winner lunch if you happen to live in the NY area. It's just for sick fun and for bragging rights. Points are scored like this: everybody gets to name 10 people for their roster. You don't wish them dead, you just are betting that they will die. In a real dead pool there'd be a draft and I couldn't take someone if you already did, but since we're just playing, how 'bout we just say that more than one player can select a person -- just no two players' lists of 10 can be entirely the same. If the person on your list is over the age of 65, you get 1 point if they pass on during 2006. If they're between 41 and 64, you get two points if they meet their maker in the next 12 months. And if they're 40 and under, you get three points if they pass through the pearly gates by December 31. This calls for some strategy... do you load up on elderly celebrities and hope sheer numbers carry you to victory? Or do you draft a couple of hard-living younger celebrities and bank on a premature end or two to make you a winner?
Finally... if you're not interested in playing, don't play. If you find it morbid or sad or chasing bad karma, that's your right and I respect it, but there'll be no berating of those who do decide to play... if we wanna be sick, it's our right. Besides, anyone really wishing bad karma on me for playing this game could simply make The Mudge one of their dead pool picks. ;-) (Of course, then I couldn't buy you that victory lunch, so it's a double-edged sword, isn't it?) With that, here's my ten, in chronological order of their age (you don't have to ID yours by age):
1. Gerald Ford, born 1913 Nice guy, but he's 92, and everybody has to go some time.
2. JD Salinger, born 1919 Since no one's seen him in 40 years, this one may be a little tough to verify.
3. Stan Musial, born 1920 The most underrated baseball player in history finally gets his posthumous due.
4. B.B. King, born 1925 The Thrill will be gone this year; 80 years + diabetes is not a good sign.
5. Dick Clark, born 1929 It was good to see him back on TV this year, going out on his own terms.
6. Muhammad Ali, born 1942 I really don't want this one, but it sounds like it may be close to time.
7. Courtney Love, born 1964 Hopefully she gets cleaned up; right now she's an OD waiting to happen.
8. Tara Reid, born 1975 You'd think that someone who wasn't stoked to the gills would have noticed her boob falling out of her dress. And anyone who watched her show on E! knows that somethin' ain't right there.
9. Lindsay Lohan, born 1986 She spends an awful lot of time in the hospital for a 19 year old girl, don't you think?
10. Mary Kate Olsen, born 1986 The much hotter of the Olsen twins (did I really just say that? Good God!) has had anorexia and is rumored to have a) struggled with cocaine; and b) attempted suicide. That doesn't bode well for someone not even old enough to get into bars yet.
There it is. I hope I'm wrong on all counts. May everyone live to 150. Peace and humptiness forever. So... who are your picks?
Posted by Christopher at 10:07 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBackDecember 19, 2005
Splat!
Not much chance to write tonight; I have an early meeting tomorrow morning and need to get my beauty sleep. So there's just enough time to give you a link to a hysterical video.
One of the reasons I am glad I don't have kids right now is because I don't need to do any protective clucking or hand-wringing over stuff like this... no "oh my gosh, is he all right?" I have no kids to be protective of, so I can simply laugh my ass off at video clips like this one. Not your average high school basketball game... notice the figure running along the sideline as the clip begins? That's called foreshadowing, kids. I especially love the smack and bounce off the floor at the end... I mean, he bounces like the floor was made of flubber, doesn't he?
Priceless, priceless stuff.
Posted by Christopher at 08:50 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBackNovember 04, 2005
Only Glue... Can Make This World Seem Right....
It's a red letter day when there's not one, but two funny glue stories making the wire service rounds at the same time.
First up, the Home Depot in Boulder, Colorado... where someone put glue on a toilet seat. Unfortunately for 57 year old Bob Doughetry, he had to go and apparently couldn't hold on till he got home. He ended up stuck to the seat... and then sat on the throne for 15 minutes calling for help, while the employees allegedly ignored him because they thought he was joking. Of course, Dougherty is doing things the American Way, and has filed a lawsuit against Home Depot.
The lawsuit, filed Friday, said Dougherty was recovering from heart bypass surgery and thought he was having a heart attack when he got stuck at the Louisville store on the day before Halloween 2003. A store employee who heard him calling for help informed the head clerk by radio, but the head clerk “believed it to be a hoax,” the lawsuit said.
Okay, I've never been stuck to a toilet seat, but I have a hard time understanding how pain in one's thighs and backside -- and the inability to get off the pot -- could be mistaken for a heart attack. (Not to mention that I would have thought that I'd have noticed when I sat down that the seat felt wet and sticky -- which would have grossed me out to the point that I'd have immediately stood up and started scrubbing... how does one take the throne long enough for the glue to sit?) All the same, you have to feel for the guy... this is probably someone's dad, recovering from bypass surgery... and he has to get wheeled out of the hardware store with a toilet seat stuck to his ass. It's a funny story, but it's not funny at the same time. Whichever frat boy football player (Boulder's a university town, after all) pulled this stunt, he's got a karmic wedgie coming his way.
But for as embarrassing and painful an experience this may have been for Mr. Dougherty, he should count his blessings that he's not Kenneth Slaby of Pittsburgh
Slaby contends that O'Toole invited him over to her home on May 7, 2000, where he fell asleep. He woke up to find that O'Toole had used Super Glue to stick his genitals to his abdomen, glued his buttocks together and spelled out a profanity on his back in nail polish... Slaby said O'Toole told him it was payback for their breakup, and he had to walk a mile to a gas station to call for help. He pressed charges and O'Toole pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and served six months' probation.
I can't even fathom that one mile walk... how do you walk a mile with your butt glued together and Mini-Me glued to your abdomen? I mean, that one must have qualified for the Monty Python "Silly Walks" skit - with or without the nail polish profanity on his back. (Remind me never to fall asleep at an ex's house again!) But the best line in the story -- attempted in apparent seriousness by the woman's attorney -- was this gem:
O'Toole's attorney, Chuck Evans, said it was a consensual act and Slaby wasn't permanently damaged.
Okay, I'm firmly in the 'whatever floats your boat' camp when it comes to bedroom stuff; if you and your significant other have a thing for glue, I say go for it. But I have a hard time (no pun intended) trying to figure out the utility of this usage. Somehow, I'm guessing that ol' Ken Slaby wasn't laying there going, "Now lather me with SuperGlue... yeah baby, that's it, right there... now stick me to myself... oh yeah, baby...." And what's with the line about Slaby not being permanently damaged? Oh, so that makes it okay?
Thus ends your Strange Glue Stories Update for November. Good night, and good luck.
Posted by Christopher at 06:12 AM | Comments (1)
