The Chronic Curmudgeon

February 27, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #2-1

2. The Boomtown Rats - "I Don't Like Mondays" (1979) Yes, I know they had a string of top ten hits in the UK. But in the US, this was it -- this sad commentary inspired by US school shootings (god bless the NRA -- after all, it's important to protect our right to slaughter each other in cold blood). 16 year old Brenda Ann Spencer's father had given her a rifle for Christmas (now there's fatherly love for ya!), and merely a month later Spencer took it to school and slaughtered kids for no reason. Literally no reason; when asked why she did it, she issued the famous statement that became this song's title. The song captures the aimlessness, senselessness, absurdity and horror of the moment (not to mention the dozens others since) and the lost innocence they represent.

The Rats' never hit bigger here in the States, despite their success in the UK; even this song was only a minor chart success. But more than 25 years on, it stands out as a classic of post-punk (can't bring myself to call it new wave, though I don't know what I would call it, then). The staccato call-and-respond of the chorus... the epic or grand nature of the opening swell... the unusual-for-its-era violin and piano driven melody... the haunting line about the lesson today being how to die... it all adds up to a classic song from a band for whom it was the sole US hit, and thus the #2 OHW ever.

1. The Buggles - "Video Killed The Radio Star" (1979) We all know how this was the first video ever played on MTV, and the lore that rose up around that moment and the symbolism of the song's title in that use. But leave the (admittedly cool) video out of it for a second... this is a really, really cool song. True, if there'd never been a video clip, it would never have captured the imagination so deeply... but "Radio Star" is a very well constructed song - from opening to bridge to build to closing fade-out. And choosing to use the kind of distortion on the vocals that made them sound like they were coming out of an old grammaphone was a nice touch that added to the distinctiveness and air of the tune. One of my favorite songs ever, and far and away my number one One Hit Wonder of all time.

Posted by Christopher at 08:02 AM | Comments (2)

February 23, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #11-#9

11. The Standells - "Dirty Water" (1966) Perhaps the first "punk" band, in attitude if not sound, the California-based Standells recorded the song that is perhaps more closely associated with Boston than any other. I liked the song before arriving in Boston for school, but after the song became the Red Sox' victory tune, played at Fenway after every Sox win, I absolutely fell in love with it. Those opening six notes are enough to give me an adrenaline jolt no matter where I am or what I'm doing when I hear it. One of two national anthems for Red Sox Nation (along with the Dropkick Murphys' "Tessie"), which is yet another reason why the Sox are better than the Yankees -- the Yankees' rev up their fans with disco (YMCA and "Cotton Eye Joe"), while the Sox use Irish pub punk and proto-punk.

10. Band-Aid - "Do They Know It's Christmas" (1984) Tim, I was messing with you when I said I didn't include this one; I just didn't want you pressuring me to move it higher than #10. :-) But - it absolutely earned its top ten status... this is the single best Christmas song ever. No, not just the best rock and roll Christmas song, but the best Christmas song, period. What more should a Christmas song be than a reminder that the spirit of the season is supposed to be giving and remembering those less fortunate? And when you compare this charity song to the US version -- the insipid, self-congratulating, and excruciatingly droning "We Are The World" -- Band Aid's effort climbs even higher in esteem. The all-star lineup has a few head-scratchers -- opening with Paul Young? Giving no-show David Bowie's line to Paul freaking Young??? -- but in general is a great time capsule of the who's who of BritPop of the mid-80s... and besides that, it's just a really good song. From the opening "African" sounding drums to the way the song rolls into an ending chorus that sounds joyous and optimistic despite its heavy subject, this is an all-time classic and will remain the standard by which both charity singles and Christmas songs by pop stars should be judged.

9. Tommy Tutone - "867-5309 (Jenny)" (1982) As long as you didn't have this phone number, "Jenny" was a great song, and one of the seminal tunes of the 1980s. The band got branded by their label as a "new wave" band to capitalize on the hot trend of the day, but this was primarily accomplished by putting skinny ties on a bar band. The basic guitar riff is pure garage rock, the theme of the song (unrequited passion) is one of rock's classic themes, and there's no denying the catchiness of the hook. Yes, the band had a minor hit in 1980 that went to #37 on the charts, but I still count Tommy Tutone as a OHW and list "867-5309 (Jenny)" as the 9th best OHW of all time.

Posted by Christopher at 07:31 AM | Comments (4)

February 21, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #14-12

14. Digital Underground - "The Humpty Dance" (1989) Besides the fun rap and the character adopted by the lead rapper, this song just has a great bass line. I mean, an awesome bass line. One of my favorite rap songs ever.

13. Martin Briley - "The Salt In My Tears" (1983) Pure power chord AOR. But with the video being so relatable to so many of us (wow, is it familiar), and with a good set of lyrics to back up the power pop, this song still stands up; you could release it today and I still think it'd be a hit. Throw in a good bridge and a pretty good guitar solo, and you have a classic OHW by a guy who's written hits for about a dozen other artists but never managed to score another one for himself.

12. Shakespear's Sister - "Stay" (1992) This was the song that inspired me to do this countdown when I thought of it again for the first time in a while. I'd always liked the song even when it came out 15 years ago; I thought the first of the two women in the group (Marcella Detroit) had a really pretty voice, and the juxtaposition of her beautiful voice in the first verses with the sinister, almost evil growl of the second woman in the band (Siobhan Fahey), made for a really interesting song. The backstory on the song -- Fahey's struggles to reconcile the two sides of her personality while suffering from severe depression -- made it one I identified with during the years before I knew what I had. And then when I saw the video - with its themes of resurrection, of good and evil fighting over a soul, of that good and evil possibly being two sides of the same person - I just really got into this song. It's a freaking weird video, with Fahey becoming the glam demon woman from hell in it to represent the more sinister elements within, but one I find compelling from an artistic standpoint anyway. And the pipes it took for Detroit to hit that high note after the bridge has ended and just before the final choruses... wow. Great song, if an odd one. While this was Shakespear's Sister's only US hit, it was a raging success in the UK; to this day, no other song by a female group has ever stayed at UK #1 longer. Not the Supremes, not the Carpenters, not anyone. Nice distinction.

Posted by Christopher at 09:19 PM | Comments (3)

February 20, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #17-#15

17. Harvey Danger - "Flagpole Sitta" (1998) I know they're still around, but to date they've only had one song break the US charts -- 1998's exercise in brilliantly witty social observation and self-deprecation, "Flagpole Sitta." The song contains perhaps my favorite lyric ever -- and I do mean ever:

Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding; The cretins cloning and feeding -- and I don't even own a TV!

If there's ever been a song lyric I agree or relate with more, I haven't heard it yet. Of course I do now own a TV, but other than that... perfect line. Perfect.

(video removed because it was freaking annoying me coming on all the damn time)

16. Gary Numan - "Cars" (1980) Is there a more quintessential new wave video? This song was one of the first big new wave chart hits, reaching all the way into the top ten in 1980 and playing a significant part in the early rotation of MTV. The distinctive synth & bass line, along with the polymoog melody, are one of the most instantly recognizable riffs in pop music history. How many of you heard this while you were at the roller rink, by the way? (On an unrelated note, anyone else think the odds are very good that the drummer's name is Carmine or Vinnie?)

15. Ace Frehley - "New York Groove" (1979) How dare I list Ace Frehley of KISS as a one hit wonder? Because he only released one single as a solo artist, that's why. Since these are some of my favorite songs ever, being on the list is not an insult. And this is one of my favorite songs... Ace went for pure power pop here and nailed it well. This song is one of the ones you need to have playing when driving into Manhattan on the West Side Highway or the FDR, when the lights of the city are spread out in front of you and you're getting ready for a big night out. Great city song, great rock song, and well deserving of a spot in the top 15.

Posted by Christopher at 08:16 PM | Comments (1)

February 19, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #20-18

20. Michael Penn - "No Myth" (1990) Sean Penn's brother has at least one thing in life to call his own, rather than being known as his brother's brother or Aimee Mann's husband. This clever acoustic-driven pop song from 1990 -- which stood out from the hair bands and new jack swing that dominated the charts at the time -- reached #15 on the charts, won Penn Best New Artist at the MTV Video Awards that year, and is perhaps the only video ever to feature a Parmesan cheese shower on the artist. See the video on this page.

19. Autograph - "Turn Up The Radio" (1984) Ah, the good old days when videos were conceptualized and only occasionally related to the song, and full of bizarre things like futuristic robots. This synth and guitar driven classic was a precursor to the hair band stuff that was beginning to take over the radio at that point. And you know what? Day time, night time, any time... things go better with rock. And chicks dig it when band guys give them pens. I said "PENS," there are no missing letters - you dirty minds!

18. Dexy's Midnight Runners - "Come On Eileen" (1983) This song probably brings back the happiest personal memories of any song on this list; as I have mentioned before, this was a perennial favorite of my crew's at T's Pub in Boston, and I have great memories of drunkenly pogo-ing to the chorus with about a dozen friends. Great memories of T's, and of friends I should have stayed in better touch with. I can name this tune from the first three of those six opening bass notes. One of the most distinctive songs of the 80s -- or any decade.

Posted by Christopher at 11:30 PM | Comments (0)

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #23-21

23. Soft Cell - "Tainted Love" (1981) The classic song of synth pop and the prototypical one hit wonder. Soft Cell's S&M-tinged cover of a minor English soul tune from the early 60s burst onto the charts in 17 countries when released in 1981, and remains a staple of 80s night playlists, retro parodies, and dance lists. Hell, it was just a really, really good cover of the song. I can't decide yet whether the video is more cheesy or creepy.

22. Frankie Goes To Hollywood - "Relax" (1984) Yes, I know they had three straight number one songs in the UK. Does this look like the UK to you? Here in the States, Frankie Say One Hit. But what a hit it was: the glories of gay sex set to music and placed firmly into the top 10. The funny thing was how many he-man homophobe teenagers back in my old high school heard the "when you wanna come" part, automatically assumed it referred to sex with a girl, and embraced the song with passion. Funny stuff. Anyway, setting the lyrics aside for a moment (not because of their subject matter, but just because of the musical point I am making), this was a classic post-disco dance-pop song -- and dare I say it, it holds up very well as a dance song now.

21. Patrick Hernandez - "Born To Be Alive" (1979) Oh man, this song probably ranks among my top five guilty pleasures ever. Put this song on at any reception, party, whatever... and my sorry, hefty, very white ass will almost certainly hit the dance floor - or at the very least, will be swaying and bopping in my seat. It's like the involuntary twitch and cringe I get whenever I hear W's voice; it's physiological and can't be helped. Anyway, looking at the video, I am reminded of just what a heavy role cocaine played in the late 70s. And I love the irony of how a dance classic was sung by a man who apparently dances even worse than I do. This might be the whitest dance song performance in music history, excepting of course for Mike Singletary and Steve Fuller in "The Super Bowl Shuffle."

Posted by Christopher at 10:38 AM | Comments (2)

February 18, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #26-24

26. Bourgeois Tagg - "I Don't Mind At All" (1987) I love the guitar sound in this acoustic song; I can't tell if it's a 12 string or just a six, but I do love the sound. Melancholy, reflective lyrics add to the appeal of the song for me. The band hit the top 40 with this song, then went Christian and never got close again. Pity - this was a stellar first salvo.

25. Fountains of Wayne - "Stacy's Mom" (2003) Pure power pop with a comedic edge and a willingness to laugh at teenage crushes. This was a fun song musically, a more fun song lyrically, and while I'm not a huge fan of Rachel Hunter, her appearance in the video is quite impressive, I must concede.

24. Martin Page - "In The House Of Stone And Light" (1995) Page wrote a number of hit songs for other artists, but didn't make the promised land himself until 1995, with this well crafted pop tune. I never did figure out why, exactly, I liked this song so much; maybe it's because Page sounds vaguely like Peter Gabriel (not a soundalike, just shares a broad sound). Anyway, the video is (of course) off YouTube, but here's a mashup some kid made (yet again) to some movie scenes, featuring the song.

Posted by Christopher at 02:53 PM | Comments (0)

February 17, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #29-#27

We hit the halfway point on the countdown with a series of songs that Viacom has yet again pulled. Don't ever buy another piece of music or a DVD associated with Viacom; they're greedy dinosaurs who deserve every ugly thing you can think of.

29. The Verve Pipe - "The Freshmen" (1997) Okay, it was melodramatic and borderline cheesy. Okay, not borderline. But it was still a good tune. And there was some truth to the sentiment that you just don't know as a 19 year old kid how fragile you really are, or what the long-term consequences of your actions -- even those that seem insignificant at the time. Anyway, you could watch the video if Viacom weren't such fascists. Since they are, you can go here to see some kid's anime mashup set to the song, if you really want to hear it, since the real video's been pulled.

28. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - "The Impression That I Get" (1997) Remember the ska "revolution?" How ska was going to be the next grunge - only to have the fad go out in about six months? (Swing was also supposed to be in there too, but that fad also faded in six months.) But while ska was the big thing, Boston's own MMB gave us a classic. This song was all over the radio the first year I was in grad school, and whenever I hear it I immediately think of Boston. Great song, made even greater for me by the memories associated with it. Watch the video now while you can; three other instances of it on YouTube have been pulled by Viacom, so this one's on borrowed time I am sure.

27. Icicle Works - "Whisper To A Scream (Birds Fly)" (1984) British neo-psychedelia was cool. Even though no one here in the US thought that was an entire genre to itself, I can't think of a better classification. But, whatever you call it, this song had one of the best drum lines of the 80s. In true one hit wonder spirit, Icicle Works made the most of the only huge song they ever wrote; it was originally released in the UK in 1983 as "Brids Fly (Whisper To A Scream)", went to #2 on the independent charts and #90 on the pop charts, was remixed and put on the B-side of another single later that year on the band's major-label debut and rose back into the pop charts at #53, then was remixed again and retitled with the parentheticals switched to "Whisper To A Scream (Birds Fly)" and released in America in 1984, where it was a staple of MTV and hit #37 on the pop charts here. They never even sniffed the top 100 again here in America, and never again broke the top 50 in the UK. But they got lots of mileage from this one song -- and with good reason, because it's a really great early-MTV era tune.

Posted by Christopher at 09:50 AM | Comments (1)

February 15, 2007

The One Hit Wonder List: Viacom Are Slow-Witted, Shortsighted Morons

Y'know, because heaven forbid that people share or spread interest in songs that are older and probably not driving sales as much anymore. Heaven forbid interest be raised back up for songs or music.

Viacom's stupid, shortsighted, greedy, moronic, fascist, clueless, doomed-to-the-dustbin-of-history stance toward new media -- and their even more moronic decision to sue YouTube over every appearance of a Viacom-related video on the site -- just goes to show how out of touch, clueless, behind the times and dinosaurish the record and entertainment industry really is. Don't forget, these are the same greedy bastards who are suing 12 year olds for every last scrap or penny, so it's not surprising that they're just plain stupid about YouTube as well. Clinging to early 20th century copyright law in the early 20th century is akin to a clan of Australopithecus suing a bunch of Homo Habilis for walking upright. There's never been an industry -- or a specific organization within an industry -- more deserving of extinction.

Many of the songs in my countdown -- including one tonight -- are Viacom songs, so they've been pulled from YouTube. Heaven forbid that I or any other blogger generate attention to a song that was released in 1989... or that someone see a video on my or any other blog that they hadn't seen in a while and be moved to go buy some music off iTunes or Rhapsody. Nope, if there's a chance that there's a penny to be forcibly squeezed out of a customer today instead of a dollar to be willingly given tomorrow, the record industry will take forcing today's penny every time. I thought about just putting up big "X"s where the Viacom songs would have appeared in my countdown, but then figured that it wasn't fair to the songs to skip them just because the parent company of their performers should be

But hey Viacom? That sound you hear is the steady march of progress happening all around you and leaving your sorry, greedy asses behind.

Posted by Christopher at 09:03 PM | Comments (0)

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #32-#30

32. The Lightning Seeds - "Pure" (1989) Sorry, there's no video to the studio recording, thanks to Viacom being a bunch of greedy morons. But here's a live performance, just to prove that they don't own all music. In the meantime, the Lightning Seeds -- an offshoot led by one time Echo and the Bunnymen member Ian Broudie -- had only one hit song in the US, but it's a nearly perfect electro synth pop song, uplifting and catchy. You don't get as great a sense of that from the live version, but here it is anyway.

31. The Vapors - "Turning Japanese" (1980) No, it wasn't about that! (Or was it?) My old band used to cover this song, way back in the day. A fun new wave classic, it's still as much fun to listen to or sing along to today as it was 27 years ago. Even if it was about excessive... er... self-amusement.

30. Sister Hazel - "All For You" (1997) A Florida band known for live shows and a devoted following, Sister Hazel made only one trip into the US top 40, in 1997 with the harmonic "All For You." This song goes on the soundtrack of my grad school years... great memories for me. There's no video for the studio version of this song, but some fan of an Australian soap opera put together a fan video of some couple from the show, and set it to the song. If you're a fan of the song and want to hear it, you can do so here.

Posted by Christopher at 08:29 PM | Comments (0)

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #35-33

35. Tracy Bonham - "Mother Mother" (1996) Every mother worries too much about their kids. Not every kid has written such a sarcastic and cantankerous response to well-meant but somewhat oppressive inquiries to her well-being. "I'm freezing, I'm starving, I'm bleeding to death... EVERYTHING'S FIIIIIIIIIIINE!" Heh heh.

34. The Waitresses - "I Know What Boys Like" (1982) The new wave classic that served up post-feminist irony in a catty boast -- I know you want this, and I'm gonna tease you with it but you can't have it -- has been written about on this blog during the 80s hits countdown. Plus, some stupid know-nothing record company moron has arranged for the video to be pulled from YouTube. So no links for you!

33. Thin Lizzy - "The Boys Are Back In Town" (1976) I don't like much "classic rock" -- too many AOR stations cluttering the airwaves -- but this staple of the format is just too good to hate on. Besides, this was one of the first examples of double lead guitar harmony (I know, not the first... I said *one* of the first!), and it's just a cool tune. RIP Phil Lynott.

Posted by Christopher at 01:04 AM | Comments (1)

February 13, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #38-#36

38. Saigon Kick - "Love Is On The Way" (1992) Just as hair metal and the power ballad were in their death throes in 1992, Saigon Kick burst into the top 15 with "Love Is On The Way." A hair band hitting with a power ballad in 1992 was roughly akin to releasing a disco song in 1981, a 16 minute prog-rock opus in 1977, or a folk rock ditty in 1968. Showing up to the club just as the bartenders are yelling "last call" and the bouncers are informing everybody that "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here" is a good way to ensure that you don't even go home with an arm-biter... which is what happened to Saigon Kick. But it's still a good contribution to the hair ballad genre.

37. The La's - "There She Goes" (1991) Is it about a girl? Is it about heroin? ("Pulsing through my vein... racing through my brain... no one else can ease my pain.") Did it have more than 20 words in the entire song? Was it anything more than the same verse sung over and over, repeated 16 times until the song ended? Who cares - it was a catchy little tune that got into your head and wouldn't go away.

36. Frida - "I Know There's Something Going On" (1983) How do you make a former member of ABBA cool -- and not in the kitschy retro so cheesy it's wonderful way, but in the real way? Sign her up to do an album with Phil Collins as producer, who added his traditional unique drum sound (listen for the similarities in the drum sound with "In The Air Tonight"), a reverb effect on her voice, and some harder guitar riffs behind her. Suddenly a veteran of kitschy 70s cheese had a song with actual rock credibility. This still gets played every now and then on AC stations and in the "Jack" format. Good tune.

Posted by Christopher at 10:03 PM | Comments (0)

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #41-#39

41. Men Without Hats - "The Safety Dance" (1982) On the list purely for kitsch value. I just wanted to be able to put a video on my blog that featured a medieval little person in a jester costume, maypole dancing, and a bizarre puppet show. S (s-s-s) A (a-a-a) F(f-f-f) E(e-e-e) T (t-t-t) Y (y-y-y).... Safety (afety-afety-afety)... DANCE! (ance! ance!) Yeah, you know you just heard the extended remix in your head too.

40. The Proclaimers - "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" (1993) Because the world didn't have enough songs sung by dorky looking Scottish twins with an accent so thick you could taste the haggis. The song was also cool because it was from the movie Benny and Joon, which is a "whatever" movie except for having the sublime Mary Stuart Masterson in it, who was quite the babe back in the day.

39. Bow Wow Wow - "I Want Candy" (1982) Former Ants without Adam, fronted by a 15 year old Lolita type and managed by the same guy who managed the Sex Pistols. Sounds like a formula for one big hit to me!

Posted by Christopher at 07:44 AM | Comments (0)

February 12, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #44-#42

44. Steel Breeze - "You Don't Want Me Anymore" (1982) One of the staples of early MTV was this strange and somewhat oddly-related-to-the-song video from Sacramento's own Steel Breeze. You know, because period pieces lend themselves to an early 80s AOR soundtrack. I remember this song well from when I was in junior high... it was a favorite then, and is still kind of fun now, cheesy video and all. (And I would really like for one of the boys from the band to answer me these questions: 1) at the beginning of the video, when the band is leaving the suburban office complex to get in their limo, where exactly is the crowd noise coming from? How many crowds hang around the parking lots of suburban industrial parks? and 2) how many turn of the century mansions had bowling lanes in them?)

43. Nick Gilder - "Hot Child In The City" (1978) The best song about underage teenage runaway hookers ever written (he said facetiously). You couldn't get away with this song today; our societal sensitivities have shifted, and the head-in-the-sand approach to teenagers, problems and sex favored by social conservatives has become something of the national zeitgeist... so a song like this today would find the artist attacked and boycotted before anyone could even hear it. Which'd be a shame, because it was a cool song.

42. The Divynls - "I Touch Myself" (1990) Wow, do you have to be careful doing a Google search on this song to find background information! But the way that this song rocketed up the charts in the US when all other songs by the band hadn't even cracked the top 75 is easy to understand or explain. None of the allusions or code words from "She-Bop" or "Dancing With Myself" here... just a flat out lustful admission. Gee, I can't understand the appeal of this song. In the 17 years since it hit, "I Touch Myself" has gone on to become one of the greatest karaoke/dare/bet payoff songs of all time.

Posted by Christopher at 07:36 AM | Comments (0)

February 10, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #47-#45

47. Faith No More - "Epic" (1989) What?! Is?! It?! IT'S IT! (What is it?!) These guys got less credit than I thought they deserved. I mean, everyone always credits the Red Hot Chili Peppers with successfully fusing rock, funk and rap... but one listen to 1989's "Epic" gives one a sense that Flea and Anthony Kiedis were maybe not the only ones pioneering a fused sound. Really, I was kind of surprised that these guys didn't get bigger than they did. But despite reaching #4 with "Epic," Faith No More didn't have any other top 40 hits in the US, and they flamed out by the mid-90s.

46. 3rd Bass - "Pop Goes The Weasel" (1991) I already covered this in my countdown of rap songs... so I won't say much else. Other than that any rap song that samples Peter Gabriel and rips Vanilla Ice is a winner.

45. Andru Donalds - "Mishale" (1995) This guy has an incredible voice; it's my opinion that he should have been a lot bigger than he ended up being. Yes, I know he had other hits in other countries, but he only had one hit in the US -- 1995's #4 hit "Mishale." Caribbean-born and influenced, Donalds possessed a wonderfully broad range and just a really smooth voice. And he was one of the only people in the world whose range and voice could ever make a cover of an Air Supply song sound okay.But that cover didn't hit here; only "Mishale," the reggae-tinged ode to a lost love, made the US charts. How no-talent hacks like Fergie can manage multiple hits while a voice like this is relegated to OHW status is beyond me. Meanwhile, no video is available on YouTube (one was up but was taken down for "terms of use" issues), so here's a link to the audio.

Posted by Christopher at 05:51 PM | Comments (0)

February 08, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #50-#48

50. Dee-Lite - "Groove Is In The Heart" (1990) I admit it: I hated this song when it came out, and used to belittle it and anyone who enjoyed it. But in the ensuing 17 years, it's grown on me. First of all, you have to love any song that features Bootsy Collins. You have to like it even more when it has a rap by Q-Tip in it. Their whole 1971 retro party vibe that annoyed me in 1990 now amuses me in 2007. It's just a silly, harmless little dance song, and a fun one at that. Even if the dudes in this group could not dance to save their lives.

49. When In Rome - "The Promise" (1988) This is another one that I wasn't big on in its day, but has grown on me in the years since. It's a sweet plea: "I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say; I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me, I promise." I wasn't into UK synth-pop in the late 80s, but time's made the sentiment kind of work and softened me on the tune.

48. Nena - "99 Luftballons" (1983) Go on, make fun of me if you like for Dee-Lite and When In Rome. Fine, I can take it. But don't pretend that you didn't dig this song when it came out in 1983/1984. You even liked both versions - the original German and the English remake. You knew both versions had "Captain Kirk," and you could pronounce "luftballon" even if you didn't know exactly what a luftballon was. (Air balloon?) You could pronounce "neun und neunzig" and thought you were cool. You thought Nena was sort of hot even though those European armpits violated American beauty standards and thus sort of skeeved you out. You thought that keyboard player was quite possibly the ugliest man in the history of humankind, and you looked upon him with a combination of pity for the poor bastard, and abject horror. And you thought that the song spoke to your fears of an accidental or unintentional nuclear war. Don't even try to deny it. And don't diss Nena, man... the armpit hair will come for you.

The English version is here, if you're too wussy to do the song the right way. But if you're a true 80s aficionado, you know that the song is properly viewed and listened to in German... and you're glad I posted the right video below.

Posted by Christopher at 09:15 PM | Comments (0)

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #53-#51

53. Jimmy Harnen with Synch - "Where Are You Now?" (1989) I warned you. I told you there were some songs on this list that were embarrassing, but held good associations for me anyway. Here's one of 'em. Ah... Christa Spencer. Never underestimate the power of a junior crooning cheesy sap ballads to impressionable freshmen girls while driving somewhere. Hey, it's not like I *knew* that she'd react like that! ... Oh, sorry... where was I? Oh yeah. Synch was basically a bar band from Wilkes-Barre PA who let their drummer sing lead on one song, then broke up... and then three years later the song somehow resurfaced and leapt into the top 10 -- only now crediting the drummer as the front man. I'd say never trust a drummer, except that this drummer got me Christa Spencer's reaction, so he's okay in my book.

The song itself is cheesy 80s piano pop with overly melodramatic lyrics about missing a girl. I won't embarrass myself by putting it into my blog, but if you really want to hear the song, some kid over on YouTube put together a teen angst tribute to his ex-girlfriend and set it to this song, and if you're masochistic you can catch it here.

52. Vickie Sue Robinson - "Turn The Beat Around" (1976) Is it disco, or is it early Latin-tinged dance? Another dance tune, great song that has a unique distinction: someone covered it later on (Gloria Estefan in 1994) and the cover was even better than the original. But I still have a soft spot for the original too. And the late Vickie Sue Robinson clocks in at #52 on my Best OHW list.

51. Sly Fox - "Let's Go All The Way" (1986) Quite possibly one of the worst videos ever made for any pop song ever. But this is a very distinctive song, with that weird "zhum zhum zinna-ninny" rhythm line behind the melody. Harmless 80s synth pop: not as high on the kitschometer as hair bands, not as respectable to remember as the decade's giants (Prince, U2, Springsteen, Madonna, and even the King of Pedophiles), but sometimes fun nonetheless.

Posted by Christopher at 07:18 AM | Comments (0)

February 06, 2007

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #57-#54

57. Jonathan Edwards - "Sunshine" (1971) Hippie anti-establishment acoustic ballads kick ass. This was one of those "I don't even know what I'm protesting about, I just don't like the system" kind of baby boomer whines that I really should hate for what it represents (baby boomer pseudo-angst)... except that it's just a good song. Always liked it, always will. I couldn't find any original recordings or videos, but here's a clip of Edwards performing the song at some folkie hall in Texas in 2006.

56. Status Quo - "Pictures of Matchstick Men" (1968) No, not the overrated cover by Camper Von Beethoven from the late 90s; the only version of this song that counts is the acid-drenched 1968 original version by Status Quo. And yes, I know they had a couple decades worth of hits in the UK; this is a US based list, so they're one hit wonders here. Here's a 30 second audio clip of their original.

55. Giuffria - "Call To Your Heart" (1984) Ah, mid-80s hair pop... you left us way too soon. You could be forgiven, if not looking at the video, for thinking this might be Steve Perry from Journey; the voice is somewhat similar. The distinctly 80s keyboard line leading the way on the melody, with the hair and outfits that scream "we're bad boys who're showing their soft side"... ah, the 80s were delightfully awful. I have no idea what ever happened to Greg Giuffria (he of the dual keyboards and Nelson-like hair in this video) or his band, but gosh didn't they leave us with a happy calling card?

Oh... and just some food for thought: those 80s video babes are all now 50 or so, and are quite possibly grandmothers now.

54. Amii Stewart - "Knock On Wood" (1979) But if there was one decade that was even more bizarre than the 80s, it was the 70s. I confessed early on that this list would have more disco than I should be comfortable with... but Amii Stewart's danceable cover of the Eddie Floyd soul classic is both nostalgic for me (ah, the Friday nights at the roller skating rink in the late 70s!) and current (I just think it's a fun dance song). And if you can get past that stupid damn wind-up toy gizmo thigamajig on her head, the video's a great example of what it might have been like to hit a dance club while stoned to the gills on ecstasy, acid, or some other hallucinogen. Yeah, it's disco. No, I don't care.

Posted by Christopher at 08:44 PM | Comments (0)

The Next Curmudgeon's List: The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever

Because I am highly unoriginal and keep going back to the same well over and over again... and because you know that deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on the lists -- you NEED me on the lists!.... here's one more -- only this time the tables will be turned a little.

On the "worst one hit wonders ever" list (and to a lesser extent my "worst bands ever" list), I heard from people who kept saying "I love that song, what is your problem?" or something to that effect. People weren't always happy that I snarked about a tune they dug. Well, now's your chance to turn it around on me, because I'm gonna throw out my favorite one hit wonders of all time, and you get to mock my taste in music.

I fully expect to be embarrassed by some of these revelations. Some of the songs, after all, are guilty pleasures; others are on the list only because they got me, er, "attention" in my younger years and therefore have positive associations for me even though the songs are admittedly sometimes weak. There's more disco on here than probably should be, and cheesy 80s fare that belies the decade of my wildest youth. But you know what? If I'm gonna dish it out on songs other people like, I'd better be willing to take it when it comes to songs I like.

Same definitions as for the "worst" list -- someone who had a #5 hit and a #37 hit counts as as one hit wonder; someone who had a string of chart hits in England or Australia or Canada or Germany or Ireland, but only one hit in the States makes the cut as a one hit wonder, since being American my frame of reference is American.

Have at me, kids. But you know that you like some of these tunes too... and by the time we hit the top ten, there's going to be some damn good songs up there.

Posted by Christopher at 07:50 AM | Comments (0)

The 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever: #59 and #58

59. George McCrae - "Rock Your Baby" (1974) I said there'd be some embarrassing songs on this list, so I might as well start it out with a bang and get one of the most embarrassing ones out of the way. I don't remember this song from when I was a kid (I was six when it came out), but it's seeped into my consciousness through way too many cheesy nights out at Polly Esther's in DC or making the playlist for retro new year's eve celebrations at Heaven and Hell. The song's claim to fame is that it was the very first disco song to hit #1 on the pop charts. Written by "KC" of KC and the Sunshine Band fame, the song is easy to dance to, no matter how cheesy it is. And take it from me, we big, white and clumsy folk do appreciate it when an artist makes it easy for us to dance to their song. So the OHW list kicks off with wide collars, unbuttoned shirts, and a Sears Toughskins pantsuit.

58. The Georgia Satellites - "Keep Your Hands To Yourself" (1988) Admit it. You chanted this chorus during the late 80s whenever it came on at parties. If you're a woman, you playfully shot at least one guy down by croak-drawling "No hug-EE, no kiss-EE until I get a wedding ring!" If you're a guy, you jested at least once that some girl should not put your love upon no shelf. You know you did. Trying to pretend now that it didn't happen won't change the past. But you know what? This rollicking ode to blue balls is a fun, basic bluesy rocker, featured a memorable and instantly recognizable chorus, and had a video featuring mullets that could only have been grown in the south. I'm not as mortified about still enjoying this song.

Posted by Christopher at 07:35 AM | Comments (0)

January 01, 2007

A Pasty White Guy's 20 Favorite Rap Songs Ever: #5

5. "Everything's Gonna Be Alright (Ghetto Bastard)" - Naughty By Nature I realize the folly of me, an exurban white kid who by the time this song came out had gotten a college education and was on my way to a white collar career, feeling a sense of identification or empathy for the protagonist of this song... a guy from an underprivileged -- no, make that impoverished -- neighborhood angrily speaking back to purveyors of hope and positivity, telling them in effect that it's awful easy for a limousine liberal or a blame-spewing conservative to rail about positiveness and taking control of one's life... when none of us have been there or experienced the hopelessness and rejection and abject poverty that too many kids in America still know. I can't say I "identified" with the song's sentiment, but damn did I think it was a good tell-off to all the hand-wringers and blamers.

"So don't say jack -- and please don't say you understand. All that man to man talk -- just walk, damn! If you ain't lived it, you can't feel it, so kill it, skillet; and all that talk about it won't help it out, now will it?"

And now you want me to rap and give? Say somethin' positive? Well positive ain't where I live!

As I've gotten older, I've joined the hand-wringers on language and violent influence in hip-hop; but I think it bugs me as much because the industry encourages it specifically and perpetuates stereotypes through it, as it does on principle. When it was coming from people who'd really lived it and who were rapping from their heart and not some A&R guy's green-colored goggles, it at least had an air of authenticity. But be that as it may, even listening to the song today -- the angry, almost desperate rap laid with deliberate irony over Bob Marley's assurance that everything's gonna be alright -- it strikes at my overprivileged heart with the damning realization of my fortune and advantage, like few songs before or since have. The line that Treach (lead rapper of Naughty By Nature) closes the second verse with is haunting in its starkness and frank admission of hopelessness...

How will I do it, how will I make it? I won't, that's how.

Sometimes a song stays with us and is more than music... for me, "Everything's Gonna Be Alright" is a permanent reminder of the fortune I've had in my life... and a reminder I hope to carry with me always that no matter how much fortune smiles on me or how much privilege life provides me, I dare not forget that there but for the grace of God or accident of birth go I... and that I will always have a responsibility to those denied that fortune. Yeah, it's just a song... but it never let go of me. I hope it never does.

Posted by Christopher at 08:40 PM | Comments (0)

December 31, 2006

A Pasty White Guy's 20 Favorite Rap Songs Ever: #6

6. "C.R.E.A.M." - Wu-Tang Clan Cash Rules Everything Around Me. Beyond the fact that there's a good flow to this rap and the melody behind it is unique, I love this song for nostaligia reasons... one of my crew in grad school had the "Enter The Wu-Tang Clan (36 Chambers)" CD... and there were waaaaay too many school nights and/or weekend nights of debauchery and self-destructive behavior that took place with that CD as the soundtrack. Of all the songs on that CD, "C.R.E.A.M." was always my favorite. I hear this song, and I'm back on Bay State Road, a decade younger in age and two decades younger in maturity, spending my scholarship money at Kenmore Liquors (which is now closed... one of the saddest pieces of gentrification in my personal experience, ever), and generally having the best time of my life to that point. So... this one, besides being a great song in its own right, makes my list for good memories reasons as well.

Posted by Christopher at 10:56 AM | Comments (0)

December 30, 2006

A Pasty White Guy's 20 Favorite Rap Songs Ever: #7

7. "Jesus Walks" - Kanye West Okay, so Kanye's kind of an egotistical buffoon, and self-aggrandizes in interviews to levels that rival Muhammad Ali. (Thing is, Ali could back it up.) Oh, and Kanye? It's not that W doesn't like black people... he doesn't like poor people, regardless of color.

But all my personal distaste for his persona aside, there's no denying that West is a talented and thoughtful man. And he definitely was in prime form on his breakout hit, "Jesus Walks." I love the incorporation of the military marching cadence (okay, in his video it's a chain gang cadence). And West's positive message here was quite the contrast with a lot of the other rap and hip hop that are out right now... and the best way to stand out is to be something different. And contrary to perhaps popular belief, I'm not anti-all things religious... just anti-all attempts to impose/inflict/force one person or group's faith on me.

And frankly, I think West had a point in his lyric: "They think you can rap about anything except for Jesus... that means guns, sex, lies and videotape -- but if I talk about God, my record won't get played, huh?" The entertainment industry -- helped along by all-too-willing artists -- seem to love to use hip-hop culture and rap as a way of reinforcing negative stereotypes... so violent lyrics or those demeaning women or hating on gay people get pushed forward, and rappers who've been shot up in gang wars or drug deals get pushed to the top of the hype machine. True, there's far too many artists willing to go along with it and so the industry cannot shoulder singular blame for it... but it's still a problem. And West's lyric here was a challenge to that.

Posted by Christopher at 10:17 AM | Comments (0)

December 28, 2006

A Pasty White Guy's 20 Favorite Rap Songs Ever: #9 and #8

9. "Sabotage" - The Beastie Boys Most. Fun. Video. Ever. "Nathan Wind as Cochise"... "Vic Colfari as Bobby, 'The Rookie'"... "Alasandro Alegre as The Chief"... this homage to 70s cop show openings is the most enjoyable video ever made, I think. Maybe not the "best" in the technical sense, but certainly the most fun. In my old office in DC, occasional commenter "MML" and I used to spoof on this video and the goony actor names all the time. Still cracks me up to watch it. (By the way... why the hell would someone as allegedly distinguished as "Sir Stewart Wallace" -- having received a knighthood -- play "himself" as a theif who's chased by the police and tackled into a pool? Was Sir Stewart knighted for having been an international jewel theif or something?) My favorite homage moment in the video? At 2:20, when the camera is hard-focused on one of the boys' worried faces, with something blurry in the soft-focused foreground... then the focus shifts and the object in the foreground is revealed to be a time bomb. Spot-on usage of early 70s TV shot technique.

But I like the song even without the video. I loooooove the guitar riff that kicks off the song... as Dave Chapelle hilariously pointed out, we white folks do love us some electric guitar -- and the riff in "Sabotage" kicks butt. None of the Boys have a great flow, but they can at least keep up... Chuck D has called the Beastie Boys "the Jackie Robinson of rap"... I don't know if I'd go that far, but when the other white rappers out there were Debbie Harry and Rob Van Winkle as Vanilla Ice, the Beastie Boys at least showed that rap could be color independent... and I love that they successfully fused kick-ass guitar riffs with rap sensibility. Mostly, however, I just love this song because someday in my copious spare time I want to shoot a spoof of 70s cop shows like this one, just for fun.

8. "Mosh" - Eminem I'm painfully aware, as I compiled this list, that way too high a percentage -- 25%! -- of the rap songs on my list are by white acts... can't really be accused of being a true rap fan if a quarter of the songs I like best are white, I guess. But the song at #8 is the highest ranked song by a white act, so we'll at least put an end to that part.

"Mosh" was released in fall 2004, a few weeks before the election. I loved it at the time as an angry middle finger to George W. Bush. I love it even more two years later, because we can all say "I freakin' told you so!" to all the people who voted for Bush that year. This is just a pure spleen venting of rage at the worst president in American history, and frustration with the dictatorial tendency of the Bushies and conservatives to paint anyone who disagrees with them as unpatriotic. "No more psychological warfare to trick us to thinkin' we ain't loyal if we don't serve our own country by patronizing their hero. Look in his eyes, it's all lies; the Stars and Stripes has been swiped." Hells yes! And while the whole video appears to be a massing of a revolution, at the end the crowd is revealed to be massing to vote. I like that message. The beat behind the rap is foreboding and as angry as the lyrics. Whatever I thought of Eminem before this song, I liked him a lot more after this song and video.

Posted by Christopher at 08:07 PM | Comments (0)

December 27, 2006

A Pasty White Guy's 20 Favorite Rap Songs Ever: #11-#10

11. "The Humpty Dance" - Digital Underground I shouldn't like this song. In general, novelty songs suck. But the thing was, the Digital Underground was a seriously good group -- the whole goofy persona thing was a tribute to Parliament-Funkadelic. And for all the alter-ego oddness and novelty nature of this song, it has a funky bass line and is a stronger rap than people might give it credit for. Campy classic, IMHO.

10. "Insane In The Brain" - Cypress Hill One of the most catchy, get-in-your-head hooks in rap history... I could see where it might drive some absolutely bug-nuts, but for me if was just fun. Who you tryin' to get crazy with, esse? Don'tchu know I'm loco?

Posted by Christopher at 10:02 PM | Comments (0)

December 26, 2006

A Pasty White Guy's 20 Favorite Rap Songs Ever: #13-12

13. "Fight The Power" - Public Enemy I've said before and I'll maintain: I think Spike Lee is a racist, and is as bigoted as David Duke. But the man can make films; he's unquestionably talented. Moreover, I think Chuck D is a powerful and important voice; he was in 1989 when he wrote "Fight The Power" for Lee's opus "Do The Right Thing," and he is now. This song is a screaming alarm, a powerful venting, a social history lesson... so many things in one. And it does remind me of that movie, which I like despite it coming from Lee. Take the defiant, angry tone and lyrics, add it to a film with a social message, and finish it off with a video like this one that captures the frustration of a community and the power of Public Enemy to inspire that community, and you know why they scared the spit out of authority, out of conservatives both financial and social, and generally anyone who might be considered a "have" or be perceived as The Man.

12. "The Way I Am" - Eminem This one makes it in here on the strength of one line alone... while the line is not the only reason I like the song, it captures my feeling toward social reactionaries. You know the ones... the ones clamoring loudest about "families" and how all things liberal are threats to "the family"... the ones who proclaim so self-righteously about the superiority of their parenting and philosophies... yet who cry and whine the loudest about the influence of video, games, music, or other cultural influences... the ones who use societal influences as a crutch to abrogate themselves from actual parenting responsibility.

The ones who say that their kid shot themselves because of backwards messages in an Ozzy or Judas Priest song... but who will claim no responsibility for not having seen symptoms of depression in their kids. The ones who'll say that when little Johnny or little Mary are having sex, it's because of what they see on MTV and not because they made sex the forbidden fruit of adolescence, or not because they weren't making sure that little Johnny and Mary always have the bedroom door open or have no opportunity to get themselves into trouble. The ones who say that their kid got into drugs because of that devil music, but who won't own up to the responsibility to check their kids' rooms, to have open and honest discussions about drugs, to enforce curfews and actually discipline their child... No, when the kids go astray, it couldn't be the parents' doing, could it? Because that would involve having had to actual be a parent -- and it's so much easier to blame societal influences, isn't it?

So for the line: "When a dude's getting bullied, and shoots up his school ... and they blame it on Marilyn [Manson] and the heroin... WHERE WERE THE PARENTS AT???" this song automatically makes my list for its defiant middle finger at the tsk tskers. I also like the use of bells to set a tone, and the piano melody behind the rap too. And the rest of the lyrics -- four minutes of throwing his hands up and saying that since there are those who attack him no matter what he does or stands for, he'll just say whatever, I am whatever you want to say I am; you want to make me the devil, I'll be your devil -- are pretty angry and powerful too.

Posted by Christopher at 03:12 PM | Comments (0)

December 22, 2006

A Pasty White Boy's Favorite 20 Rap Songs: #15-#14

15. "I Left My Wallet In El Segundo" - A Tribe Called Quest Man, this was a group that should have seen more mainstream success than they saw. I mean, the critics loved them, and they had a sizable influence... but there was never that major crossover hit that established A Tribe Called Quest on the pop charts, the way that Run DMC or Dre or Eminem or Biggie had. I liked Q-Tip's flow, and I thought he was great at being a storyteller... but it just never happened for them like it should have. I think part of it was just that ATCQ just came along at the wrong time... they were kind of like the last great purveyors of the "original" rap, before gangsta rap and hip-hop style chest-thumping took over the feel and air of rap. (Not that those are all bad... I've listed some gangsta on this list already and will list more.) But ATCQ were great at storytelling, and their stuff was just fun -- and despite detractors in some corners who called them "safe" or "sanitized," I thought there should have been more room for them than perhaps there was.

Anyway, "I Left My Wallet In El Segundo" is a tale about a road trip among friends, the plot point being that, upon reaching their destination -- a diner in California on the other side of the country -- Q-Tip gets distracted by a pretty waitress and loses his wallet. The song follows the trip out to California and back, and ends with Tip rounding up the gang to go back to California to claim his wallet. Fun song.

14. "Pop Goes The Weasel" - 3rd Bass I know I'm going to take more hell for this one than anything else on my list. There should be a rule that if a group has more than one white guy, they can't have a decent rap song. 3rd Bass, in my opinion, proved one of the only exceptions to the rule (the other being of course the Beastie Boys). They get style points because Sinister Prime Minister Pete Nice (the MC with the walking cane and cigar), after he retired, became a prominent baseball historian who owns a memorabilia store in Cooperstown. They also get points for sampling Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer," which I always loved. They get more points because this entire song is a four minute dis of Vanilla Ice. They get even more points because Henry Rollins plays Vanilla Ice in the video. Sure, MC Serch couldn't dance and looked like a foolish pasty white boy when he tried... but God help me, I love this song and the video too.

Posted by Christopher at 11:35 PM | Comments (0)

December 21, 2006

A Pasty White Boy's Favorite 20 Rap Songs: #18-#16

18. "Jump Around" - House of Pain Okay, the Boston connection meant I was inclined to like the song anyway. The whole Southie hooligan air of the band and the video make me oddly nostalgiac for my grad school years, even though I never hung out in Southie and didn't like the hooligan element of Boston when I was there. But - classic hook in this song, one that's been appropriated at sporting events and at stadiums across the country. This song still makes me tempted to get up and dance like the pasty white boy that I am... something I've only recently learned to control. I know, you thank me for it.

17. "Deep Cover" -- Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg Even though he's only represented twice on this countdown, I am a big Dr. Dre fan; of those original 37 tunes that I thought up, like 6 were from Dre. This is one of my absolute favorites. The menacing, bad-ass bassline, the gangsta lyrics... love this song. Love it. You remember that scene in "Office Space" when Michael Bolton is driving with the gangsta rap blasting until he gets to a stoplight, when he turns it down? Yeah, that was me back in the early 90s... cruising the mean streets of Minneapolis, mimicking Snoop Dogg and growling "cuz it's 1-8-7 on a undercover cop!" You know, because I was an O.G.. It's an amusing image even to me... my wannabe politician white butt in my Hill Rat suits, bopping my head to the beat and talking about my "nickel plated .22." I hate guns, and if I ran into an undercover cop, I'd probably cower and apologize. But ya know, I'm bad ass. And so is this song.

16. "I Ain't Goin' Out Like That" - Cypress Hill The irony of my suburban yuppie wine-drinking butt liking so much of hardscrabble, chest thumping, bad-ass rap is not lost on me. But I can only refer back to that scene in Office Space once, and I've just done that. So I'll just have to say that I love Cypress Hill's whole gimmick -- could one call them the Willie Nelsons of rap? -- and that this song is one that I used to have in my workout mixes back when I used to work out.

Posted by Christopher at 06:37 PM | Comments (0)

December 19, 2006

Lists By Request: A Pasty White Boy's Top 20 Rap Songs

I had planned on my next list coming after the new year, and going with my 59 Best One Hit Wonders Ever. But then Corey wished me a Merry Christmas with a very fun list of his own, and an "I'll tell you not to do it but I really want you to do it" admonishment that I should not try to match his cross-cultural listing efforts. (He's doing his top ten hair metal jams... and practically dared me to to my favorite rap songs.) Well, Corey knows damn well that I can turn down neither a challenge nor a list. So over the next few days, this pasty white boy is going to give you his list of his 20 favorite rap songs ever.

For the record, they're not the only 20 I knew. I actually listed 37 off the top of my head before starting to narrow down to my favorite 20 or 25. In the end I decided to go with 20. And I should make clear that I am not claiming these to be the 20 best rap songs ever; I admittedly am no expert on the genre and can't really make an educated list of the "best" rap -- only the stuff that I like. And no, no Vanilla Ice or MC Hammer is anywhere in sight. The thing is, I really do like some rap -- while I hate most hip-hop, I do like rap. Some of the stuff I like may be considered comical and commercial by true rap aficianados, but what can I say? I'm a pasty white boy. So here comes my next list... enjoy.

Posted by Christopher at 10:46 PM | Comments (0)

Pasty White Boy's Top 20 Rap Tunes: #20-#19

20. "The Message" -- Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five I'll start my countdown with the "Rock Around The Clock" or "Hound Dog" of rap ... one of the first massive hits from the genre. It's my personal opinion that Grandmaster Flash ought to be in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame; he was/is a pioneer of an entire genre of music. I like the beat, I love the lyrics -- social commentary generally does pretty well with me, better than the usual chest-thumping. Plus, how do you not like a song that can find a place to fit "sacroiliac" into a rhyme in a way that actually sort of makes sense in context?

19. "Gangsta's Paradise" -- Coolio Automatically gets a point in its favor for featuring Michelle Pfieffer in the video. But I didn't just like the song for that. I love the minor chord and the foreboding tone in the progression. And maybe it was helped by the movie it came from, but the rap in the song, I thought, conveyed a sense of desperation and hopelessness that I felt was compelling. Of course, the vocal lyrics were as contrived as "We Are The World" -- "why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me" -- what, are Cyndi Lauper and Huey Lewis going to sing the next lines? -- so it knocks the song's impact down a bit. And so does Coolio's hair. I know the song was parodied and is scoffed at in some quarters, but I liked it then and like it now.

Posted by Christopher at 10:41 PM | Comments (0)

December 10, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #1

How fitting is it that I feel awful today and have quite the upset stomach? After all, we've reached the most stomach-churning one hit wonder of all time. Life imitates art.

1. Charlene - "I've Never Been To Me" (1982) On the continuum of sap, one song reigns supreme above all other god-awful cheesy songs. With lyrics from some Chicken Soup for the Self-Help Soul or Hallmark card on steroids, and a cheesy piano melody worthy of a Jim Brickman album, Charlene's 1982 sap-fest about regrets from having lived the life of a fast woman is untouchable in the pantheon of crappy songs. Other crappy sap came before it; much came after it. But much like Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky, Jimi Hendrix or Marlon Brando, sometimes someone comes along who is just so far ahead of their peers that all those who follow will bear the curse of being referred to as "the next (Jordan/Grtezky/Hendrix/Brando)." Charlene is that standard for one hit wonders. No one will ever surpass this song as the worst OHW of all time -- they'll only call it to mind in comparison.

The song begins with an international woman of mystery trying to talk some "sense" into the head of a wistful housewife. Right there, it enters the top 10 of all time, just for the subtle social conservative messaging that abounds from the first lyric... that having traveled the world and enjoyed sexual freedom is something that must by its very nature be regretted and that could not possibly be fulfilling.

Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life; You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife. I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do. But, I wish someone had talked to me like I wanna talk to you.....

See? It even starts out under the premise that the housewife/mother track is the natural one to be happy for a woman... and if a woman longs for something more, she must simply be "talked to" by someone who "knows better." Freaking conservatives (then again, it was the height of the Reagan era). I don't suppose it just could be that different women want different lives, and the whole child/wife thing that represents the aspirations of one might be not right for another, now could it? Look, I'm not ripping stay-at-home moms; my mom was one until I was like 16. I know how hard it is to do that, and it's every bit as respectable a choice as a career or wanderlust. But that's the point: it's a choice. Not some conservative fantasy about how women can only be fulfilled by domestication.

Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away -- 'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today. I can see so much of me still living in your eyes; won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived a million lies?

The not so subtle social conservative message here? Follow any other life path than the approved breeder track, and you'll end up alone. Oh - and every other experience you'd have had would merely have been lies.

Oh, I've been to Nice and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht; I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got. I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see... I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me.

Just what is it that women ain't supposed to see? Since the context immediately preceding the line is about her being undressed by kings, we're left to presume that a woman ain't supposed to see a nekkid guy -- let alone a nekkid king. You know... because sex is bad, especially for women.

[spoken] Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be. But you know what truth is? It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning -- the same one you're going to make love with tonight! That's truth, that's love......

Okay, back to the first rule of songs: you must never include a spoken word portion of any song. It can never help; it can only make the song crappier than a porta-potti at an Ex-Lax convention. But it's even worse when your spoken words are once again reinforcing the social conservative mantra that all other paths for women that are not mother/wife are destined to leave one empty. See - everything that's not your baby or husband is a lie, a fantasy you've created in your mind about what else you might have done in your life. And truth? Well, truth is that little baby you're holding, the one you had after accepting the woman's "proper" role as a baby factory and as a live blow-up doll at her husband's sexual disposal. Because even though you fought with him this morning, you're going to make love to him tonight. You know why? Because that's truth; that's love! It doesn't matter how mad you are or what he did... you're going to do it because that's love. Now, why don't you scurry on back to the kitchen, take off your shoes, fix me my dinner, and get ready for that lovin' later on?

Sometimes I've been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete. But I took the sweet life, I never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet.

Again... if you don't choose the baby factory path, you're incomplete. You're bitter. You're broken. Because after all, a woman can't be a woman unless she chooses to be made fruitful to multiply, iddn't that right?

I've spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free. Hey lady, I've been to paradise -- but I've never been to me.

Unga-bunga! Ug! Argh! Sex bad! It whoring! It have cost! And you can't have discovered your true self -- "being to you," as it were -- that way. Sex ain't free -- it costs you your very self-known soul!

Rarely have a song's lyrics fit so perfectly with the political agenda of its time; a limited, narrow view of women and their purpose in life, and a hatred of all life choices that do not mesh with what men think they ought to want. I'm surprised that some evangelical mega-church hasn't adopted this song as their women's groups theme song. Sappy, cheesy, and dripping with misogyny, Charlene's "I've Never Been To Me" easily is the worst song by a one hit wonder ever -- and she's the worst one hit wonder ever for agreeing to sing this Neanderthal piece of tripe.

Posted by Christopher at 07:33 PM | Comments (2)

December 07, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #2

2. Silk - "Freak Me" (1993) You know, call me a prude. You'd be wrong, but go ahead and call me one. Because I don't think that making an entire song's lyrics from things that people might whisper to each other in bed is sexy; I think it's crass, classless, juvenile, and flat out rude. I'm offended by this song's very existence.

Don't get me wrong; I am decidedly not condemning dirty pillow talk. Whatever floats one's boat and all that. But there's a big difference between saying stuff when the two of you are in the privacy of your own room, and saying it as a come-on in front of others. Said quietly when it's just the two of you, it can work quite nicely. Said out loud as a sort of peacockish mating call is the audio equivalent of Drakkar Noir. Let's just examine some of the charmers in Silk's 1993 "hit," shall we?

Let me lick you up and down, Til you say stop. Let me play with your body baby, Make you real hot. Let me do all the things you want me to do, Cuz tonight baby I wanna get freaky with you. Baby don't you understand, I wanna be your nasty man. I wanna make your body scream.

Ladies, wouldn't a man coming up to you in a club or bar and saying this... well, wouldn't make you just... ooh... you know... slap the living snot out of the crass and disrespectful little punk? Somehow, I just don't see this track of pick-up line working on any woman who doesn't charge by the hour.

I love the taste of whipcream; spread it on, don't be mean. (baby don't be mean) You know I can't resist you girl, I'll fly you all around the world, (all around the world, oh baby), I wanna make your body drip. C'mon let me take a sip.

Wow. What class. I imagine that strippers and street walkers all over America just melted all over when they heard such smooth and classy delivery. Wait, that's not really being fair. Strippers are too classy to swoon over crap like this.

This song reminds me of the Jersey Shore crowd, thinking they're ladykillers in their wife-beaters, six gold chains, Drakkar Noir, and gelled-up hair... when really they're pardoies of their own selves who are laughed at by the rest of the world. This song's about as sexy as a pus-filled boil on the inner thigh or an Opie & Anthony morning show. And the only thing more pathetic than the jokers who performed it or the men who thought women dug come-ons like this... would be any women who actually fell for it. (I'll state for the record that I'd be afraid to even tuck a dollar bill in the g-string of the woman who thought this was seductive.)

You know those comedians who use a lot of f-bombs in their act but aren't really funny... they're just hoping that the shock value of their saying the word will make you think it's funny? Garbage like this song is the musical version of that; the pathetic loser singers can't actually be sexy, so they just decide that maybe if they talk in great detail about sex, some woman will be shocked into being seduced.

Again... emphatically not trashing dirty talk here. Just wishing like hell that, somewhere between 1984 and 1993, R&B hadn't degenerated into little more than cheesy, disrespectful, explicit crap. A generation ago, we had greats like Marvin Gaye and Al Green. Today, we have diarrhea like this.

(Oh - and yes, I know that Silk had several more hits on the R&B charts... thankfully, this seems to be the only one that made the pop charts.)

Posted by Christopher at 09:25 PM | Comments (3)

December 06, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #3

3. Debby Boone - "You Light Up My Life" (1977) My friend Tim is hoping, wanting -- nay, demanding! -- that this song be #1 by unanimous acclimation on not only the list of worst one hit wonders ever, but of worst songs ever, period. To his mind, You Light Up My Life "started us down the continuum of sap" and thus must be reviled as few things in history, along with the Vichy French, powder blue tuxedos, and the replacement Dukes of Hazzard.

I have two problems with his theory. First, I would argue that the continuum of sap began actually nine years earlier, with Bobby Goldsboro's hideous ode to a dead lover, "Honey." Debby Boone was merely the latest in a series of sap, following "Honey," "Run Joey, Run," "Shannon" by Henry Gross (which fueled the now-famous Casey Kasem vent about the little dog named Snuggles) and "Wildfire" by Michael Martin Murphey. So giving Boone the credit or blame for the sap continuum is a bit kind to her; I say she was just a lame pretender in that line.

Also, just because something is first doesn't always make it worst. Think about it; Phil Donahue may have started daytime TV about cross-dressers and my baby daddy, but Jerry Springer elevated it to a vile and putrid art form. And in the case of sap, I'd argue that there were at least two worse sappy violations of the sanctity of the human ears to follow Debby Boone. Celine Dion's wretched, vomit-burp inducing theme from the worst Oscar winning movie of all time is one of them; the other will appear later in this countdown.

All that said, Debby Boone does rank as the Ace of Diamonds on the Deck of Cards relating to musical criminals. "You Light Up My Life" is sappy, vile, wretched... and that's even before you listen to the words and realize that the chick is singing a love song ... to God. Not a gospel song, but an actual love/lust song to the Almighty. I mean, when the rest of us talk about making the earth shake for a woman, we're being metaphorical -- but with li'l Debby, when her world gets rocked the earth literally does shake. Meanwhile, I just feel like a song that sounds like she's lusting after a Divine-ing Rod is, well, pretty freakin' creepy. Added to a lame-ass melody, cheesy and plodding pacing, and featuring both a flute and Muzak strings, and you have one of the worst songs ever written, recorded, or heard by mammalian ears.

Posted by Christopher at 11:10 PM | Comments (9)

December 05, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #4

4. Shannon - "Let The Music Play" (1983) On the list because... well, because I hate this freaking song. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Quite possibly the most annoying tune ever written. (The other three songs remaining are a combination of lyrics and melody, not just sheer musical ugliness like this one.) Not that the lyrics are Nerudian works of poetry in this one either... "love says," and "what does love want me to do?" Hey girlfriend? "Love" is a friggin concept. It's not even an inanimate object. And love sure as hell doesn't "want" you to do anything... this whole love as a character with whom you're conversing is just stupid.

But the music... dear god, the music. Sheer torture. I can't even find the words for it. I hate every note of this song.

Posted by Christopher at 10:20 PM | Comments (2)

December 04, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #5

Thanks for bearing with me while I had computer issues over the last five days.

5. Ready For The World - "Oh Shiela" (1985) The thing about doing Prince is that you really need to be Prince. Otherwise, you're a cheap ripoff. Beyond the fact that this song represents pretty much the worst of 80s R&B (only one R&B song finishes higher on my "your one hit really sucked" list), Ready For The World makes this list for two very simple reasons:

1) If you're not Morris Day and the Time, you are not allowed to do synchronized dance moves on stage with your instruments. If you're not Morris Day and the Time, you just look stupid.

2) Dig the opening of the song. Not. First of all, we've already discussed the whole thing about having spoken word elements to your song (Timmy T, Gregory Abbott, etc.). It can never help, it can only make your song suck. But more importantly... dig the cheesy accented delivery. "Like we ohl-wize sigh... what's goood for the goo-ise... is ohl-wize good fuh the gand-uh. Oh She-y-la." You know where these jokers were from? Flint. Freakin'. Michigan. Apparently, the regional accent in Flint, Michigan is genuine imitation Cockney. Seriously, the only other example of such a horrid faux British accent in the history of entertainment was Kevin Costner's "accent" in Robin Hood. And if it's impossible to be a good one hit wonder when your song sucks, and when you do stupid little synched up dances, it's especially impossible when you're affecting the world's worse British accent.

Posted by Christopher at 07:47 PM | Comments (1)

November 29, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #6

6. Alicia Bridges - "I Love The Night Life (Disco Round)" (1979) Remember that scene in "The Breakfast Club," when Judd Nelson is goading Molly Ringwald by telling her that "Claire is a fat girl's name?" He goes on about how she is destined by nomenclature to join the big-boned set... tells her she's going to "squeeze out a few puppies," and then makes those engorging, expansive sounds with his mouth while indicating with his hands that he pictures her hips and ass reaching elephantitic proportions?

Back in 1979, I got much the same sensation upon hearing "I Love The Night Life" by Alicia Bridges. One listen to the very first line of the very first verse, and one instantly realizes: this is an ugly person's voice. Doesn't matter what the rest of the song is, doesn't matter what the lyrics are or anything else; hear that voice and you realize that there's just no way that the person owning it is going to be anything less than a severe challenge on the eyes. And then you watch the video, and there she is: the love child of Billy Idol and Susan Powter, presented in dramatic gold lame for your viewing (dis)pleasure.

But this song doesn't just make the list for being performed by someone unattractive (a la Mungo Jerry). It's flat, uninspired disco -- paint-by-numbers 1-3 beat dance sludge done unenthusiastically and without much meshing with the song; that annoying voice just never matches up well with the song. (Which I can't honestly picture anyone's voice matching up well to, quite frankly.) And, it features one of the signature elements of a crappy song: the deliberate and exaggerated mispronounciation of a word. In the bridge between verse and chorus, Bridges repeatedly asserts that she wants some "ack-SHONE," which we assume is supposed to mean that she's looking for action. No respectable French person (okay, maybe that's an oxymoron, but go with me just for the sake of this argument) has ever worn gold lame, so Bridges' bizarro choice of diction makes even less sense than the clothes themselves. Finally, I come back to the voice - sounding like a cross between Nell Carter and several cats in heat, Bridges tortures the listener for more than three minutes.

And back to the lyrics... let's examine something here. If someone is trying to convince you of their desire to be a wild child of Paris Hiltonian/Lindsay Lohanian proportion... how wild can they really be if they assert to you that "I got to boogie?" Isn't that about the equivalent of claiming to be a wild and crazy guy? I hear "I've got to boogie," and I just picture some guy who calls himself "The Larrinator" or "The Lar-meister" instead of Larry, spritzing his mouth with Binaca and tugging at the waist of his polyester pants before hitting the lounge of the local Holiday Inn. Finally... it's disco and it's supposed to be easy to dance to -- but have you seen any whiter dancing in a top ten hit's video... ever???

Posted by Christopher at 06:33 PM | Comments (3)

November 28, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #7

7. Gerardo - "Rico Suave" (1991) I've been torturing my friend (and occasional commenter here) Jennifer with this one at work for weeks now... this might be the song that inspired this list. And oh, did it deserve to make the top ten! How is this cheesy? Let me count the ways. Start with the lyrics -- a series of comic book Spanglish wannabe proclamations of his prowess with women. Hey Gerry? You know what they say... if you gotta tell everybody about it, it can't be all that amazing. I mean... come on.

"There's not a woman who can handle a man like me -- that's why I juggle two or three." Oy. Sure you do, Chuckles. I bet all of them live in the Niagara Falls vicinity, don't they? "I don't love ya, but I need ya." Such a charmer, this one... I bet he lands a whole lot of classy ladies with lines like that. "My only addiction has to do with the female species -- I eat 'em raw, like sushi." You know, because if there's one thing I've learned in 20+ years of dating, it's that chicks dig being compared to raw fish.

Next, let's turn to the dancing... put this guy in a cheesy fade and a University of Miami sweatshirt, and this joker is Vanilla Ice. And the fashion: tell me we didn't all wear our belts like that?! (Sadly, I know that for a while I did. Nothing like a phallic symbol around your waist for attracting women.) This has to be the worst Latin-styled song ever -- and to beat the Macarena, you know it's got to be bad. Really, really bad.

Posted by Christopher at 09:02 PM | Comments (8)

November 27, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #8

8. Mungo Jerry - "In The Summertime" (1970) Good God, the 1970s were an evil decade. First of all, jug band music sucks. It has always sucked, and it will always suck. It sucks worse when loser British hippies in desperate need of baths try doing it as a "retro" sound. Jug band... oy.

Plus, what the hell is the line "If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal. If her daddy's poor, just do what you feel" supposed to mean? If she's poor, you should just date rape her? What the hell? Really, really uncool line, kids - and even in 1970, that wasn't acceptable. Nor was "have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find." Know what you can find, Chaka? A DWI and a free night's stay in county, that's what. Irresponsible bath-needing hippie.

And one more thing... what the hell is with that hair? I mean, you look like one of the Pakuni from Land of the Lost! The last time anyone had mutton chops like that, he was an actual sheep. Seriously, there's nothing even remotely cool looking about this dude; he may well have been responsible for several Bigfoot sightings in England in the early 70s. Horsedooty song from the ugliest singer in rock history.

Posted by Christopher at 11:18 PM | Comments (3)

November 26, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #9

From here on out, every song on this list is pure evil and is on the soundtrack in Hell.

9. Billy Ray Cyrus - "Achy Breaky Heart" (1992) Look, I like country. I don't deny it. Growing up in farm country planted the seed, and then my stretch in Florida pretty much sealed it. I love country music. But it's crap like this that gives country such a bad rap (to borrow another genre) among those who like to consider themselves too sophisticated for it. Let's face it: Billy Ray Cyrus handed country-haters a decade's worth of fodder for dismissing the entire format. The mullet. The whining lyrics. The overly simple and repetitive melody, verses and chorus. That damn mindless line dance. Everything you've ever wanted to use to stereotype country music is right here in one ugly package.

As for Cyrus, not that I expect that he'll have any defenders, but if he has any and those folks are thinking of pointing out in the comment field that Cyrus has had several other top ten hits (including a couple more #1s), I remind you that those were all on the country charts; "Achy Breaky Heart" remains (thankfully!) Cyrus's sole Top 40 hit. So Billy Ray? You can tell your voice, it really has no choice, we just want it to go away... and you can tell your lip... to get to know my fist... so you'll just shut up and leave today. Ooooooh, ooh-HOOOO!

Posted by Christopher at 08:55 PM | Comments (1)

November 25, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #10

From here on out, since we're talking about 10 of the worst songs ever, we'll do one at a time.

10. Los Del Rio - "Macarena" (1996) Here's a clue: if the song has a specific dance that's attached to it, then it's going to suck. If it's a remix of a song by two middle-aged Spanish flamenco singers, it's going to suck even worse. If the dance is a line dance designed to be done by an entire dance floor at once, the song crosses into the soundtrack-to-hell realm. Put the song inexplicably at #1 for 14 freakin' weeks, thus ensuring that we'll all hear it every freaking time we turn around for months on end, and it vaults into "worst songs ever" territory.

Look, I don't begrudge a couple of 50somethings their chance to make some money. I just wish they'd done it with a less evil song. (And yes, full disclosure, I know the steps and have done the dance... I won't pretend to have been above it. I also wore plaid pants to school in the early 70s. Doesn't mean I'm proud of it.)

Posted by Christopher at 11:49 AM | Comments (1)

November 24, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #12 and #11

12. Nu Shooz - "I Can't Wait" (1986) Theoretically they weren't quite a one hit wonder; their follow up made it to #26. But this song is so hideously bad that they win inclusion on the list despite not technically qualifying for it. The plasto-synth hook to this song ranks among the most annoying and inane in pop history. Some disposable dance pop is tolerable, but in this song's case the world would have been better off had a raging fire occurred overnight at the studio the night it had been recorded, thus sparing the world from a tragic outbreak of suckitude. They couldn't spell, they couldn't sing, and they sure as hell couldn't write a good song.

11. 4 Non Blondes - "What's Up?" (1993) Radio stations in rural areas were forced to stop playing this song after hordes of coyotes in heat began descending upon the station's transmitters and began howling in a call and respond with the lead singer. Come to think of it, the coyotes probably looked better, too. 4 Non Talents' single hit featured a caterwauled, screeching chorus broken up only by bleating, braying verses in which the lyrics make less sense than "Jabberwocky." But it's not the stupid lyrics that win this horrific song its place on our crappy one hot wonders list. It's because I've tried -- oh my God, have I tried -- to find an example of a singer with a worse voice who led a band that had a top 40 hit, but there are none. And I pray -- oh my God, do I pray, I pray every single day -- that this aural crime against the collective eardums of humanity is never played on radio again. Oh -- and singer chick? Top hats looked cool on Slash; on crappy singers singing crappy songs, they just look stupid.

Posted by Christopher at 07:13 PM | Comments (3)

November 22, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #14-#13

14. Tag Team - "Whoomp! There It Is" (1993) God, what a hideous and evil idea it is to do a pop song from a catch phrase. That's just a vile thing to do. It simply cannot be done well, by anyone. Make a song from a catch phrase, and you are a lead pipe lock to be a one hit wonder. This is the "Pac-Man Fever" of the 90s. Here's the link to this hideous song on Google Video.

13. Gregory Abbott - "Shake You Down" (1986) A cheap Marvin Gaye wannabe performing one of the most annoying songs of the 1980s. Marvin would have rolled over in his grave if he'd have heard this sludge. And let's get something straight right now: NO song, not EVER, is EVER good that features a spoken word "solo" instead of a guitar or keyboard or even horn solo. Singers breaking song to talk to the object of their affection is lame and a sure sign of piss-pooritude. Especially when the spoken word solo begins, "Girl..." I mean, it is physically impossible for a song to recover from that. (See Timmy T's "One More Try" or Boyz II Men's "End Of The Road." I rest my cae.) I love good soul... but this crap sure ain't it.

Posted by Christopher at 12:00 PM | Comments (1)

November 20, 2006

The 50 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #18-#15

Moving on...

18. Toni Basil - "Mickey" (1981) Is it any wonder that her follow-up, "We Got Spirit," didn't do nearly as well? Turning a middle school cheerleader chant into a pop song is just a bad, bad idea. As for the video... we like cheerleaders here in Curmudgeonland, but not when they're performing to some lame-ass song by a cheesy one hit wonder. Since I've already posted this video on my blog once in 2006, that's enough... but if you're really desperate to hear this cruddy song, you can find it here.

17. Wreckx-N-Effect - "Rump Shaker" (1992) Somewhere around the early 90s, pop music plummeted off a precipice of good taste and class, and began a downward death spiral toward the crap that passes for music on ClearChannel stations today. One of the major contributors to this decline was sludge like this song. I never liked new jack swing, and this might very well have been the pinnacle of how bad the genre really was. I'm not going to post the video -- discretion being the better part of valor -- but here's a link to it if you really want to check it out.

16. Biz Markie - "Just A Friend" (1988) I'll admit, there is something funny about this song. Biz did make me laugh, with the deliberately bad singing in the chorus and the whole Amadeus get-up. But there's two problems with this song. One, it gets in your head and won't go away. And two, the rap is actually pretty bad. It sounds like the kind of thing that a kid would come up with. Really amateur rhyme and flow. And yes, I know his history as a beat-boxer; it didn't translate into making him a good rapper. Even though the gimmick to the song was about how he was supposed to be bad, he wasn't supposed to be this bad.

15. Lou Bega - "Mambo #5" (1999) A little bit of annoying melody in my life, a little bit of ripoff by my side, a little bit of strychnine is all I need, a little bit of this stupid song is what I see. A little bit of rupture of the eardums, a little bit of torture all night long, a little bit of crappy song's what I said, a little bit of Bega's career is dead.

Hated this song like brussels sprouts.

Posted by Christopher at 11:07 PM | Comments (3)

November 19, 2006

The 59 Worst One Hit Wonders Ever: #20-#19

20. Jane Child - "Don't Wanna Fall In Love" (1990) I can't help it. I'm all for free spirits and non-conventional looks and 'tudes... but every time I saw or see this video, I just want to grab that damn chain between her ear and nose and yank it as hard as I can. Maybe her head lights up like a light bulb when someone pulls that chain; maybe my toilet flushes; maybe somewhere, some suburbanite would be left standing in his driveway puzzled as to why his garage door keeps opening and closing for no reason. That damn chain's such a distraction that it's impossible to watch the video without feeling the urge to rip it out rise up sourly in me like when you have a vomit burp and there's that little bit of bile in the back of your throat that you fight to keep down. And didn't anyone ever tell this chick that mohawks were for punk rockers, not dance synth-pop wannabes?

Beyond the stupidity of her look, this was just a crappy piece of wannabe synth-pop. Her timing was impeccable; synth-pop peaked in about 1984, and she released her synth-pop opus in 1990. Rumor has it that in the outtakes to this video, she is tryi