November 08, 2006
The Greatest Day In The History Of Anything
The good guys won the House. It's entirely likely that they got the Senate. And Britney Spears left Kevin Do You Want Fries With That.
November 7, 2006 might just have been the greatest day in the history of the world.
Britney already is showing a desire to show off her return-from-baby body. She's ditching 200 more pounds of useless weight shortly. And she needs lots of publicity surrounding her comeback album if she wants to sell more records.
That comeback Playboy pictorial happens in 2007, kids. I am the happiest man in the world.
Posted by Christopher at 07:19 AM | Comments (2)October 07, 2006
Tigers, Tigers Burning Bright
Because my two favorite teams are the Red Sox and whoever else is handing the arrogant Yankee$ their ass... this is the greatest thing in baseball since the Red Sox won the 2004 World Series. How's that $208 million payroll treating you now, Steinbrenner? (Let's all start the countdown to Steinbrenner's burst blood vessels in his head, and the inevitable temper tantrum and lashing out at the media.)
Yeah, and Alex "1 for 14" Rodriguez just proved what kind of MVP he really is. Choking appears to be the national pasttime of the Bronx.
And no, I haven't even begun to get this out of my system. I've really just gotten started... but for now, I'm gonna go celebrate. The Death Star just got blown up by Luke Skywalker, kids... the Yankee$ just LOST and are OUT. All is right with the world.
September 10, 2006
The Star Spangled Banner
I probably should have written some 9/11 related posts tonight, but I am sick as a dog with a nasty cold I've come down with over the weekend, and I'm not up to being articulate or in any way erudite.
So instead, I'll simply express love for our great country, with all of our faults and all of our strengths, by posting a video of the single greatest performance of the Star Spangled Banner that I have ever heard (thanks to some friends at work for bringing it to my attention). I can think of no greater tribute than Marvin Gaye's 1983 performance of the national anthem at the 1983 NBA all-star game -- the last public performance he gave before he was killed, and the most soulful, heartfelt, powerful version of the song ever recorded (yes, I do include the to-me-overrated Whitney Houston version in that statement). When you can cite another instance of a crowd clapping along in rhythm and in awe to the Star Spangled Banner, then I'll consider that other instance as a potential rival to this one. Until then, Marvin has the crown.
My fellow Americans, Marvin Gaye's Star Spangled Banner.
Posted by Christopher at 11:09 PM | Comments (2)July 25, 2006
Life Imitates... Life
Far be it from me to laugh at other people's misfortune... oh hell, who am I kidding? I'm a curmudgeon; it's what we do. And in this case, the misfortune is so metaphorically perfect that it's delicious -- not to mention that anything is funnier when it happens to crackers.
The marriage proposal that ended with a plane crash began with the bride-to-be thinking she was going on a date to the movies. But Adam Sutton, 19, had other plans.
He had convinced his high school sweetheart, Erika Brussee, 18, to take a chartered flight around the Rome area Friday. And Sutton's plan included having family members hold up a sign asking Brussee to marry him... Sutton had arranged for family members to stand on the ground below the plane's flight path holding up a tarp with the proposal written on it.
"(The tarp) was upside down when we went around, but I saw the word `marry.' Then I saw my mom waving at me, and then I knew what was happening." But her glee was short-lived. The plane crashed at the Richard B. Russell Regional Airport.
First of all, they lived -- so I can make fun of it all I want. Secondly, they're crackers; a 19 year old and an 18 year old getting engaged -- and her parents help with the proposal? I mean, I grew up in what some might consider the backwoods... but even there, had an 18 year old girl been proposed to by her boyfriend, that boy might find himself acquainted with the business end of her daddy's shotgun. (We waited till a much more "sensible" age back home... like 21 or 22.) The fact that this girl's family was aiding and abetting the effort, instead of locking the two of them up and pointing out to each of them how ridiculously too young they are for anything like this, tells you pretty much what you need to know. This couple's a divorce waiting to happen...
Which brings me to the part of the story that amuses the hell of out me. Could there be any more perfect metaphor for this impending marriage (hell, for any marriage, for that matter) than a plane crash? I mean, their lives aren't just about to go down in flames figuratively... they figured out a way to go down in flames literally too! I mean, kids, I know y'all started out a bit rough, but just keep this in mind:
You started out with a plane crash... and it's all downhill from here.
Posted by Christopher at 05:03 AM | Comments (0)July 11, 2006
Karma Apples
Sometimes, karma flies around like a seagull at the beach of life, dropping big white bombs all over the ice cream cones and french fries of the unsuspecting and hapless who are just trying to enjoy a little cosmic sunshine.
For example... I came home from work tonight to find that the afternoon's thunderstorm had invaded my new apartment via the toilet; I don't know where the blockage or backup came from, but I thought something smelled slightly amiss when I walked in... and as I passed the bathroom from the hall, I saw about two inches of standing water in my bathroom, and realized that the carpet outside the room was soaked and squishing beneath my feet. Thankfully, it wasn't pure sewage, just backed up water. But my carpet is destroyed. Basically entering my third week of actually living here, and they're going to have to replace the carpeting. True, this management company did respond within 10 minutes of my alerting them, and made the carpet replacement arrangements within half an hour... so they're actual professionals here as opposed to the boneheads at the old place. But still... what a karmic kick in the mummy/daddy buttons.
Then other times, karma sets into the world like a masked, mysterious comic book hero -- one with a tragic and rarely told past, one with demons that always take it right up to the edge between itself and those criminals it opposes -- seeking out cold-blooded vengeance against those who have wronged the innocent and striking horrific fear into the hearts of the wicked.
For example... Barry Bonds is finally going to be indicted this month for tax evasion and for perjuring himself before a federal grand jury. One step closer to playing in the California Penal League, you sanctimonious, cheating SOB. Or, to use another example... that shrill, screeching, evil harpie Ann Coulter's been nailed for plagiarism. (For those who say "her syndicator dismissed the claims," look at the side by side comparisons of Coulter's "work" and the originals she lifted from. They're word for word. She's been nailed, the evil skanky skeleton bitch. For example:
In “Godless,” Coulter writes:
“The massive Dickey-Lincoln Dam, a $227 million hydroelectric project proposed on upper St. John River in Maine, was halted by the discovery of the Furbish lousewort, a plant previously believed to be extinct.”
An article that ran in 1999 in Maine’s Portland-Press Herald contains the following passage:
“The massive Dickey-Lincoln Dam, a $227 million hydroelectric project proposed on upper St. John River, is halted by the discovery of the Furbish lousewort, a plant believed to be extinct.”)
Yeah, karma's a strange bird at times. But I think Bonds going to jail and Coulter being publicly humiliated and professionally disgraced is enough to offset my flooded toilet and wrecked carpet.
Posted by Christopher at 10:38 PM | Comments (5)April 30, 2006
When Promotions Attack!
In one of the best examples I have ever heard of a promotion going wrong, police in Santa Clarita, California, detonated a newspaper box yesterday because of Tom Cruise's new movie.
No, it wasn't because they finally heard too much about Cruise, his zombie bride, and the poor child born not only into Cruise's cult family, but with the unfortunte paparazzi nickname of "TomKitten," and just snapped. (For the record, I am still firmly in the camp of those who believe that ol' Tommy's touched Katie about as much as I have, and there was about as much reality in that pregnancy as there is in your average Xbox game. If that brainwashing idiot Cruise really knocked up Katie Holmes, then I'm responsible for Britney's rumored #2.) And it wasn't because of Scientology (though it might be fun if it were). No, it was because of a publicity stunt gone awry:
The Los Angeles Times rack was fitted with a digital musical device designed to play the “Mission: Impossible” theme song when the door was opened. But in some cases, the red plastic boxes with protruding wires were jarred loose and dropped onto the stack of newspapers inside, alarming customers.
Yeah, in an environment when people are jumpy over anything that looks suspicious, let's take plastic boxes with wires sticking out of them, and put them in newspaper boxes! That's great!
The only redeeming virtue in this story is that it was a Tom Cruise movie getting the negative publicity.
Posted by Christopher at 09:57 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBackFebruary 21, 2006
Inspiration
It's stuff like this that's bound to make me believe in intelligent design. No further comment necessary. Faster, stronger, higher... indeed.
(Photo via Sports Illustrated)
February 19, 2006
Ugly Americans
I'd like to thank Bode Miller and Lindsey Jacobellis for proving me right this week at the Olympics.
Last month, I wrote about how much I hate the X-Games, and how much I generally dislike X-Gamer types -- in my opinion a collection of gnarly rad look-at-me types getting together to show off and trying turn radical tricks in a pathetic attention-seeking exercise. And naturally (not that I predicted it, except I basically did), Lindsey Jacobellis was dominating the "boardocross" event (how far the Olympics have fallen when spit called "boardocross" is an Olympic event; is it any wonder the ratings are way down and American Idol is kicking the Olympics' Nielsen ass?), and in true snowboarder/X Gamer style, she tried to hot dog and show off and pull a "look-at-me" showboating stunt... and promptly fell on her ass and lost the gold medal.
Lindsey Jacobellis got exactly what she deserved. No one should feel the slightest bit of sympathy for this little showboat; she got what she had coming by falling on her ass and losing in such ignominoious fashion that her name will forevermore be a synonym for hubristic, ego-driven failure. Unfortunately, while she's now become the poster child for the egotistical excesses of this "sport," her attitude reflects its pervasive culture... only they didn't have to pay for it as overtly as she did. Snowboarders are all over message boards defending Jacobellis, and other snowboarders at the Olympics have actually been stupid enough to say it would have been a shame if she didn't try to hot dog.
You know, RIck Morrissey of the Chicago Tribune got it 100% right (free subscription required): It probably would be a good thing if somebody explained to the snowboarders that once they decided to sit at the adults' table, they made the tacit agreement to play to win. They made the decision to act like Olympians, which now means to act professional. It means trying your hardest to finish first. And part of trying your hardest means doing whatever is necessary to win. In this case, a little clear thinking would have gone a long way.
Meanwhile, Bode Spicoli continues to set all sorts of records for ineptitude and officially sucking. In his latest debacle, the Olympic version of Robert Downey Jr. couldn't even stay on course long enough to finish a race. Then, like the chicken-spit coward he is, he went trekking off through the woods to avoid reporters (probably headed back to the bar or to see if the Mexican team had any good sinsemilla on 'em. This came after getting disqualified from one race and then publicly proclainming that he didn't care. The Washington Post's Sally Jenkins has it right when she suggests that if Bode Miller can't or won't take the Olympics seriously, then perhaps he should just cart his partied-out ass back home.
Wow... this is the best America has to offer: a train wreck stoner who can't be bothered to take the Olympics seriously or even stay sober long enough to complete a run, and a hot-dogging attention hound who would rather showboat than win. Between that and how our athletes have behaved like arrogant children in the past (remember the disgraceful display from the 4x100m relay team at Sydney?), Americans at the Olympics keep adding to the oh-so-stellar reputations we have built over the last 25 years (and that have been crafted to new levels by Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld). They're both a disgrace to sports. If Ameirca keeps choosing to appoint "athletes" like these two to represent us, then we'll have a whole new generation to blame for the reason the world knows us as Ugly Americans.
Posted by Christopher at 12:50 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBackFebruary 14, 2006
Second Hand Smoke Out
You know how I feel about cigarette smoke.
So two news stories today made me quite content. First, the UK has passed a country-wide ban on smoking in all pubs and clubs, including private clubs. Jolly good show, old chaps!
Better yet, here in the States, Virginia -- the very bastion of the tobacco industry here in America -- saw a measure passed today by its Senate that would ban smoking in virtually all indoor public places. Even if Virginia Governor Tim Kaine won't show a spine and sign the legislation (assuming it passes the VA House, which isn't likely), the fact that it passed the Senate just down the road from Phillip Morris headquarters is another sign that Big Tobacco's death grip on all of us is slipping.
Posted by Christopher at 09:53 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBackFebruary 03, 2006
Reality Bites? Perhaps?
If you were reading my blog way back in the day, you know that despite my general dislike (!) of reality television, I was highly amused by the Joe Schmo Show series, probably because the show was not just a great prank but a pretty vicious parody of reality TV. You also know that during Season 2, I became a huge fan of the female "mark" for their Bachelor/ette spoof, Ingrid Wiese. I thought she was smart -- too smart to be on a reality show, actually -- funny, independent, took no spit from anyone... and okay fine, being the sucker for blondes that I am, I also thought she was drop dead gorgeous. (But I swear that her personality on the show really made the attraction for me!) I did a couple of quick posts during the show's run two summers ago about both the show and about Ingrid's immediate presence on my top ten list.
Fast forward to my comment review tonight (the best feature of Movable Type is the junk comment filter that at least separates the spamments out and lets me easily delete them...)... I see one posted to an entry from August 2004 - long before I even switched over to this template. I thought, "Hello, what's this?" As it turns out, the comment was on my last Joe Schmo 2 post... and was signed "Ingrid." Okay, I thought: Doc is jerking me around again, in the same way that he comments on other posts as "Ashley Olsen" or whatever. Either that, or it's a really mischevious spammer. But out of curiousity, I decided to play along, and clicked over to the blog that "Ingrid" claimed as her own -- fully expecting to land on an online casin0 or to be offered some bogus m0rtgage deals.
Gad zookes, it looks kinda legit. This would obviously score very high on the Holy Spit-ometer for comments I never expected to get.
Maybe it's not legit. Probably not. It could still be Doc playing around. If it's actually the real person though, I have my first semi-famous person commenting on this blog. Would be kinda cool.
January 16, 2006
The Dream
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood... I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a dream today...
This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia! Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.
When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
Thank you, Dr. King. We'll see you at the mountaintop.
Posted by Christopher at 11:13 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBackJanuary 08, 2006
I Want To Thank The Gonademy...
In resopnse to Doc, who thinks I went a little bit soft with today's other entry, here's a quick piece of much harder news... the adult video awards were handed out this past weekend, and received mainstream attention. (Question: Do these awards have nicknames? I mean, instead of the "Oscars," are these the "Jimmies?" The "Dicks?" Just curious.)
But unlike the Golden Globes and Emmys, the goody bag contained "Barely Legal" playing cards and Hustler condoms, and the stars such as Arnold Schwartzenpecker and Britney Rears were not quite household names..
Okay, I'll give the Britney chick some credit; that's a funny nom de... er... nom de boom.
The 23rd annual Adult Video News Awards... boasted a higher attendance than ever this year, with more than 5,000 watching Saturday night's two-hour-long event in a huge ballroom at the ritzy Venetian Hotel.
Couldn't they have found something else to call it, even for one night, besides "huge ballroom?"
The winners were as earnest and even as tearful as their Hollywood counterparts in their appreciation of the glass trophies they took home, and works such as "A Day Without Whores" and "Big Butt Road Trip" won fulsome praise.
Something tells me I'd have been in tears too, had I worked on something called "Big Butt Road Trip." Anyone else besides me wondering exactly what shape those glass trophies were? And what were the speeches liike? "I'd like thank my fluffer for always being there for me -- you're the best!"
Ron Jeremy, a portly p0rn superstar, pledged to keep delivering the goods for his fans.
Now I can sleep better at night.
Adult entertainment... shot mainly in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, racked up estimated sales of $12.6 billion in 2005, according to statistics compiled by AVN. That compared with U.S. theatrical revenue of $8.9 billion for mainstream Hollywood films, according to figures from box office tracking firm Exhibitor Relations.
$12.6 billion? Something tells me that's not all just teenage boys in their parents' basements, or guys in polyester who refer to themselves as "The" something. ("The Jack-meister." "The Larrynator." "The Big Lebowksi." You get the idea.) We're spending more on adult entertainment as a country than the GDP of many countries -- not just small ones either, but countries like Hungary, Mexico, Russia and Thailand.
It's insight like this that keeps you coming back to me, I know.
Posted by Christopher at 05:48 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBackDecember 31, 2005
Happy New Year
I meant to do the "ten things that rocked in 2005" post today, but I slept late after playing cards all night and the morning's gotten away from me, and I have a ton to do before tonight's festivities at the MU Hoop residence. So, I'll just wish everyone a safe and happy New Year's celebration, and we'll catch up next year.
Snoogans.
Posted by Christopher at 10:39 AM | Comments (2)December 22, 2005
Oh, Canada! Oh, Oh, Ohhhhhh, Yeaaaaaahhh Canada!
You know it's going to be a good day anytime you log onto your home news page and see a headline that reads, "Canada Okays Group Sex." I mean, like I wasn't gonna read that story? But as it turns out, it's a story that matters far beyond the titilation factor.
The Canadian Supreme Court heard the case, which centered around obscenity charges against the owner of a Montreal club called "L'Orage" (The Thunderstorm). L'Orage is a private club for swingers; its members meet behind the members-only doors and "swing" -- exchanging sexual partners and engaging in public sex. The club owner was charged with indecency and with running a "bawdy house" -- which is Canadian, apparently, for a brothel -- that represented a threat to Canadian society.
I'll be honest: I've never had group sex. (Maybe for my next birthday. Applicants should e-mail me with photos.) Never really even been something I much considered. But the point in this case isn't about the behavior involved, no matter how unorthodox it may seem. It's about the government's power to dictate to invidiual citizens what they can do of their own volition in the privacy of their own homes or clubs. The club was private; no children were involved, and there was no evidence that anyone was coerced into anything against their will. No, this was just a bunch of consenting adults doing whatever it was that they consented to, in a private setting. And a government having the power to tell me as a citizen what I can or cannot consent to... that impacts me whether I'm into "swinging" or not. Because frankly, what I do -- or what you do, or what your across-the-street neighbors do -- on our own time and in our own homes... well, it may not just be our own business, but it sure as hell isn't the government's business.
The Canadian Supreme Court agreed. "Criminal indecency or obscenity must rest on actual harm or a significant risk of harm to individuals or society. The Crown failed to establish this essential element of the offense. (Its) case must therefore fail," read the decision. And in a statement that I wish some American judges and politicians would read, the Canadian Court continued, "The causal link between images of sexuality and anti-social behavior cannot be assumed. Attitudes in themselves are not crimes, however deviant they may be or disgusting they may appear."
I'd love to have that line to roll out as precedent here in the States the next time some rabid conservatives have a town about to enact an anti-gay rights ordinance. So if supporting the right of individual citizens to consent to whatever they are inclined to privately consent to, without interference from the government, means that I by extension support Canadian group sex, then so be it. Say it loud, say it proud: I'm for Canadian group sex!
Posted by Christopher at 05:30 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBackIntelligent Defeat
As you know by now, a federal court ruled Tuesday that "intelligent design" cannot be taught as science in the Dover, Pennsylvania public schools, determining that ID is in fact little more than cloaked and disguised creationism, and was simply an attempt to inject religion into the public schools.
Not only did Judge John E. Jones (a Republican, mind you! and a churchgoer) hand the Christian Taliban a defeat in his ruling, he delivered uppn them a stinging, devastating, and wholly public rebuke. His 139-page decision thundered on the joke of a claim by ID backers that theirs is a scientific and not a religious agenda. "We find that the secular purposes claimed by the board amount to a pretext for the board’s real purpose, which was to promote religion in the public school classroom." And when a federal judge accuses them of "breathtaking inanity" in their arguments, you know it had to have gotten pretty thick inside that courtroom.
Judge Jones, in opting to issue the decision he did, using the language he chose, wasn't just settling a case. He was issuing a warning. He sounded a wake-up call to the American people about the Christian right's true theocratic agenda. The people have needed that call because George W. Bush and prominent Republican leaders have spent years endorsing the Christian sheep's clothing false agenda... and the media has become so cowed and intimidated over constant right wing whining about bias in the media that they've presented this pseudo-science as almost legitimate, never discussing what really lies behind it.
The judge effectively poured cold water over a dozing nation Tuesday, trying desperately to awaken us collectively to the reality of the Christian right's agenda -- a public unmasking, as it were. Judge Jones on Tuesday was our Fred from Scooby-Doo, a hero in black robes and not a white sweater and orange ascot; he was the one who grabbed Intelligent Design by the head, said, "Now let's see who you really are!" and revealed the true villian behind the mask. You could almost hear the Christian right grumbling, "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for that meddling judge!" as they were led away from the scene.
I agree with what the San Jose Mercury News said in an editorial Wednesday: Judge Jones did a tremendous service to our nation. We owe him our thanks -- and our continued vigilance.
Click below for some more golden nuggets penned by Judge Jones in his decision:
"The students, parents, and teachers of the Dover Area School District deserved better than to be dragged into this legal maelstrom, with its resulting utter waste of monetary and personal resources."
"It is ironic that several of these individuals, who so staunchly and proudly touted their religious convictions in public, would time and again lie to cover their tracks and disguise the real purpose behind the ID Policy."
Posted by Christopher at 04:55 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBackNovember 08, 2005
Give Me an O! Give Me A ...
Today, I saw the greatest story ever. Period. End of sentence. Greatest. Story. Ever.
TAMPA, Fla. - Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested at a bar where witnesses told police the women were having sex in a restroom stall, angering patrons waiting in line. Renee Thomas, 20, of Pittsboro, N.C., and Angela Keathley, 26, of Belmont, N.C., were taken to Hillsborough County Jail early Sunday. Witnesses said the women were having sex with each other in a stall at the club in the Channelside district.
Talk about your fantasy football! This is like, the plot line to half the movies I've ever ordered on pay per view.
The peculiar (or perhaps unpeculiar) thing about this story was the universal reaction. As URLs flew around instant message and e-mail yesterday, the standard line that accompanied them, from every guy I knew (and even a couple of the women) was to the effect that "this is the best story ever," with follow-on remarks of varying degrees of salaciousness. Between the whole cheerleader thing, the two women thing, and the wanton bathroom thing, this one was a guaranteed Technorati top ten (it's at #8 right now). Men are pretty much predictable, aren't we?
Asking a straight man to explain our fascination with the two-girl thing is like asking a woman to explain why she needs 30 pairs of shoes. If you have to even ask, you'd never get it -- and besides, it's not really possible to articulate it. We can't explain it. But it's as universal a thing with guys as not asking for directions. Get two attractive women together , and we stop everything, locked in like deer in headlights, with eyes glazed over, mouth agape and drool trickling from the corners of our mouths. Make it two cheerleaders, and this story goes from a 'news of the weird' zero to adult movie plot sixty in 2.75 seconds. The fact that they probably weren't wearing their uniforms at the time doesn't ever enter into the mind, either; the cheerleader outfit is part of the mental image most of us got when we saw the story (he said, trailing off into a far-away look)..
It's probably offensive to gay women, this fascination straight men have with lipstick lesbians. (Actually, the term would much more appropriately be "lipstick bisexuals," since for the fantasy to work, we actually need to stand a chance of being there or getting invited to play along.) It certainly doesn't go the other way; I don't hear straight women obsessing over the idea of watching two men together. There's probably a double-standard at work in here too, in that I seriously doubt that had either of the women been caught having sex with one of the male players, there would have been near the sensational national coverage that there's been. (I do think that if they'd still started punching people outside the bathroom and got themselves arrested, they still would have been fired; the Panthers team was pretty much forced to fire them over the arrests and assaults, regardless of the gender of those in the hook-up.) I also feel bad for the women involved, on some level at least; I'm not sure that any of us -- gay or straight or bisexual -- would care to have the salacious details of our sexual escapades become national news and blog fodder.
But all these logical, pensive reactions to the story... well, throw 'em out the window. I'm a straight guy, which means that when I see a story about two cheerleaders walking into a bar and hitting the bathroom for a little nookie, I start giggling like Beavis and Butthead, with visions of cheerleaders acting out one of my favorite adult plots.
Best. Story. Ever.
Posted by Christopher at 05:11 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBackOctober 23, 2005
Poor Little Rich Kids
I read this story a week ago and kept meaning to post on it and then forgetting. This might have been one of my favorite "Take that!" moments of all of 2005. A Long Island Catholic high school principal has sent a note to parents at the beginning of the school year noting that he has cancelled his school's spring prom.
When I first read the headlines about Brother Kenneth Hoagland's decision, I dove in fully expecting yet another hardline religious diatribe about the rites of passage that accompany a prom -- namely, spiking the punch bowl/getting drunk on four beers before arriving, and the losing/chasing far away of what was left of one's virginity. Given that prom night has been drunken sex night for generations, I was ready to wonder what the hand-wringing was all about. And then I read further, and found out that Brother Kenneth Hoagland is one of my new heroes. He's cancelling prom because too many spoiled little rich kids and their overindulgent Hamptons parents are spending obscene amounts of money on the prom, and he no longer wanted the school to be part of it.
"It is not primarily the sex/booze/drugs that surround this event, as problematic as they might be; it is rather the flaunting of affluence, assuming exaggerated expenses, a pursuit of vanity for vanity's sake -- in a word, financial decadence," Brother Hoagland said, fed up with what he calls the "bacchanalian aspects" of the prom.
Well, other than the fact that "financial decadence" is two words, not a word, I love this.
Not that Farming Exurb Senior High in Minnesota had what qualified as rich kids -- not by New York or John Hughes movies standards, anyway -- but to the extent that we had 'em, I hated 'em. One reason I don't think I want to stay in Westchester County is because in a hyper-affluent county that glorifies consumption and its financial standing, any kids I'd ever have here would have a far greater chance to turn into the kinds of kids I'd have deliberately bumped hard while walking down the hall when I was in school. But I digress. Before you go off howling at me about why I'm so bothered by rich kids having a little fun, realize that we're not talking about a limo ride and a $300 dress that gets worn for three hours and then tossed on a floor somewhere in a teenage-lust-induced frenzy.
In his letter, Hoagland cited a litany of problems that he says have developed over the years. He began a dialogue on the future of the prom last spring after it was discovered that 46 Kellenberg seniors made a $10,000 down payment on a $20,000 rental in the Hamptons for a post-prom party. When school officials found out, they forced the students to cancel the deal; the kids got their money back and the prom went on as planned.
But Hoagland said some parents went ahead and rented a Hamptons house anyway.
I don't know what I turn my nose up at most -- the fact that a bunch of 17 year old Hardy Jenns-from-"Some Kind Of Wonderful" types would run off and book a $20,000 a night Hamptons house for prom night, or that their daddies and mommies felt that their spoiled little children were so entitled to such a display of their wealth that they went ahead and booked it anyway even after the school said no. Either way, Brother Hoagland took a stand against conspicuous consumption (which is, if any of those parents had actually ever read any of the basic tenets you get taught as a Catholic kid, goes against the faith's belief in helping the poor and aiding the least of God's children), and for that he's one of my favorite people of 2005.
Posted by Christopher at 11:24 AM | Comments (3)October 20, 2005
The Bestest Picture In The Whole Wide World
No further words necessary. This might be the greatest photograph in the history of photography.
September 03, 2005
Fashion Trends We Like
I like trends. Trends are neat. Trends are good things, because that means lots of people are doing them.
I like stories about trends. They are neat. Especially when they appear in the New York Times. NYT stories about trends are good things, because they reinforce the trends -- both by confirming that they are in fact currently fashionable, and by letting those who have not yet caught on that there's something new that everybody is doing, and that maybe if they're not doing them, they're behind the times. This usually results in more people adopting the trend. We often appreciate that.
Of course, most trends we like do not require lasers. However, if that's what it takes, we're okay with that. Lasers are cool. Just ask Princess Leia.
That is all.
Posted by Christopher at 10:15 AM | Comments (1)August 23, 2005
In The Movie, The Pope Will Be Played By John Lithgow
... The missionary will be played by Kevin Bacon, and introducing Lori Singer as Sister Johanne Vertomme -- in "Footloose Two: European Boogaloo."
A Belgian nun's acrobatic and indecorous dancing with a missionary during the Catholic World Youth Day in Germany over the weekend earned her a reprimand from her mother superior, a Belgian paper said Tuesday.
Daily Het Laatste Nieuws showed pictures of a dancing Johanne Vertommen being held up in the air by the missionary, and then clinging to him with her legs wrapped around his body.
"I wouldn't do this at home but at such occasions I get carried away by the enthusiasm of the group," the 29-year-old told the paper later.
These "Youth Days!" I swear, these things are the devil's handiwork. And I'm not the only one!
"Besides the liquor and the drugs which always seem to accompany such an event, the thing that distresses me even more, Ren, is the spiritual corruption that can be involved," said Pope Bendict. Or maybe it was Reverend Shaw Moore. I get them mixed up sometimes.
August 20, 2005
Pastafarians, Unite!!
Last week I blogged about the Flying Spaghetti Monster and how Kansas schools should really start teaching about how the FSM (peace be unto him) is responsible for Intelligent Design. I am proud to bring you this update, courtesy of Boing Boing.
First of all, our religion has a name, friends. We are Pastafarians. Secondly, there is an official description of our religion and its beliefs in Wikipedia; I suggest you go to it and familarize yourself with the tentacles -- I mean tenets -- of our faith, lest you never be touched by His Noodly Appendage. Specifically, you should note the following:
* Prayers are ended with the word Ramen rather than Amen.
* Followers are expected to dress in full pirate regalia.
* Like the great noodles they worship, Flying Spaghetti Monsterists have flimsy moral standards.
* Religious holiday every Friday.
* Promise of a stripper factory and a beer volcano in Heaven.
A stripper factory?! Man, screw the 72 virgins (uh, let's make that "who needs the 72 virgins!") -- virgins don't know what they're doing anyway. Pastafarianism offers much better eternal rewards! A stripper factory?! And a beer volcano? I am ready to become a martyr for the Noodly Cause! Especially if the strippers have Angel Hair.
Adherents to Pastafariaism have been beset with persecution and harrassment, most notably in this entry from Boing Boing. But even though they've capped the reward fund at $1,000,000 "intelligently designed" dollars, I am still going to add my tithe to the cause; I will give $200,000* to anyone who can "produce empirical evidence which proves that Jesus is not the son of the Flying Spaghetti Monster." (As with Boing Boing's offer, my dollars must be "intelligently designed" and this offer is void where prohitbited by logic.)
Finally, friends... I wanted to share with you the image of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This painting was done by Vermicelli and is a fresco on the ceiling of the Linguini Chapel in Rome. (The image is so large that it won't fit on my blog, so here's a link to it as a pop-up.)
Posted by Christopher at 12:35 PM | Comments (5)August 15, 2005
Is That A Window Washer Behind You, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
I had to just share this video with you all, for three reasons. The first is because the guy being interviewed, Mantill Williams of AAA, is a friend of a good friend of mine in Alexandria VA; he's been at dinners I've been at... really nice guy.
The second reason is that the anchor doing the interviewing, MSNBC's Chris Jansing, is my choice for National News Personality You Most Would Like To Have As Your Personal Mrs. Robinson. Jansing's reason to watch MSNBC all by herself. And even when she has a messed up expression on her face due to stuff happening during an interview, she's still the hottest anchor on television news.
And the third is because it's pretty damn funny to see a live interview broken up by the presence of a window washer doing his job behind the subject, and to hear the entire newsroom busting up in the background. Check it out here.
And Chris, if you're not doing anything Saturday night, call me.
Posted by Christopher at 10:16 PM | Comments (3)August 10, 2005
America's Funniest Home Videos
I am a sick person, but you knew that. So you shouldn't be surprised that I think this video clip is about the funniest thing I've seen since that fake VW ad.
I have only this to say about that clip.
(Oh, shut up. The dude lived, didn't he?)
Posted by Christopher at 09:56 PM | Comments (6)August 07, 2005
Changes In Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes
No, I'm not going anywhere; not yet, anyway. But one of these days, the Curmudgeon's just gonna up and disappear. You'll come by, and there won't be anymore updates... and soon enough my contract with my hosting service will run out, and then no more Mudge.
I'll be all right, though. Wanna know where I'm heading? Read through this article... it's a pretty safe bet that I'm gonna be in one of these places. Especially the first one.
Posted by Christopher at 09:55 AM | Comments (2)July 24, 2005
A Highly Offensive Commercial Parody
You're going to be offended by this. I guarantee it. It's in horrifically poor taste. It's sick. It's twisted. Volkswagen is actually suing the pranksters who made this parody. It's that bad.
Of course, I thought it was absolutely freaking hilarious.
If you're easily offended, don't bother clicking the link. If you're not easily offended, you might be offended by this one anyway. If you're a sick freaking bastard with a wholly inappropriate sense of humor (like me), you're gonna laugh your ass off.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Posted by Christopher at 09:29 PM | Comments (2)July 15, 2005
Video Killed The Blog Star
I missed most of this week with work; I'm going to miss most of the next week out on a much needed vacation. But I got your back, my friends -- I'll leave you with this pair of videos for your viewing pleasure.
1. Total Eclipse of The Heart. A friend of mine at work (who asked to be anonymized as "Hubert Cumberland" when I mentioned wanting to blog of this and make them 'famous'... so wish granted, Hubie) sent this to me. You know, I always thought "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" was a vaguely disturbing and somewhat destructive song... but that was before I saw this performance of it by Hurra Torpedo. Geez, between these guys and the Gert Johnnys, what the hell is in the water in Scandanavia?
You know, you really haven't lived until you've seen a band featuring a lead singer with a deep baritone voice and Grizzly Adams beard, a percussionist who seems to want to look like Janis Joplin and playing the oven and the kitchen sink, and a weird scrawny dude who looks like Carrot Top and wearing a blue jumpsuit that hangs around his ass smashing a stove top... covering Bonnie Tyler.
I'll actually give the oven-ist credit... given that he's got kitchen appliances for instruments, he actually keeps a decent beat with a variety of sounds.
The internet is still really $&*@!ing weird, man,
2. Dubya: The Movie Dave in California, knowing I'd appreciate the sentiment behind it, sent me this movie... and I think it's a front runner for this year's Oscars.
Ever wonder what Barney Fife injected with neocon serum and run by Karl Rove might look like? Ladies and Gentlemen, it's "Dubya: The Movie"... starring Don Knotts.
And yes, I do realize that this is not a realistic depiction of George W. Bush... there's no way that Don Knotts could act clueless enough or with enough bravado to be W.
I'm out, kids. Catch up with you in a few.
Posted by Christopher at 06:42 AM | Comments (1)June 26, 2005
Bizarre Love Triangle
I really shouldn't think this story is funny, but I do. Down in Atlanta, the Hightower Manor senior citizens home was rocked last week by a scandal worthy of a bad paperback. This may have been the pilot episode for "Desperate Grandmas."
78 year old great-grandmother Lena Driskell shot and killed her 85 year old former boyfriend Herman Winslow at the senior home on June 10, angry that Herman had moved on to another sexy senior.
"I did it, and I'd do it again!" Lena Driskell yelled to officers who arrived at the home June 10, according to testimony. Police said she was wearing a bathrobe and slippers and waving an antique handgun with her finger still on the trigger.
God, that's funny. I mean, really funny. Especially when you look at her photo with the article and picture her doing it. I can hear it now... "I won't be ignored, Herman!" "What??" "I said, I won't be ignored, Herman!"
After the nasty breakup with Winslow, Driskell kept showing up uninvited at his apartment in Hightower Manor, the complex for seniors where they lived, Detective D.B. Mathis said. A security guard tried to calm her down, but Driskell drew out her gun, pressed it to Winslow's head and fired as many as four times, Mathis said.
Couldn't she just have put a rabbit in a pot like normal psycho women?
Posted by Christopher at 11:29 AM | Comments (0)May 31, 2005
Deep Throat Revealed
Every once in a while, life hands you a "Holy Shit" moment. Today was one such day.
After more than 30 years of speculation, intrigue, and frankly embellishment, the ultimate source was revealed, when W. Mark Felt admitted that he was, in fact, "Deep Throat," the source that Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein relied upon to keep themselves pointed in the right direction during the investigation of Watergate.
W. Mark Felt was the #2 man at the FBI during Watergate. He was in a position to know everything the investigators knew about the break-in and its cover-up, and he was in a position to know everything that the Nixon Administration was doing to both obstruct the investigation and take control of the FBI. He did something about each.
For anyone thinking that this is much ado about nothing, consider these two facts: this scandal brought down an American president -- the only such occurance in our history; and more than 30 years later, the identity of this source is front page news. For anyone who lived through Watergate (or for that matter, who saw "All The President's Men"), the identity of this source was one of the great pieces of political intrigue of our lifetimes.
Things I'm thinking of tonight:
1) In an era when nobody trusts the press and everyone seems to argue that reporters rank only slightly above politicians and lawyers on the chain of disgusting human beings, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein kept their word and never revealed their source. Their devotion was so great that even today when the news first broke, both men -- concerned that Felt's mental state wasn't complete enough to make him aware of what he was saying -- continued to play coy and refused to confirm the information. I know some friends of mine found "Woodstein"'s reaction frustrating, but I found it refreshing and honorable. Till the last, the reporters protected their sources.
2) Was Mark Felt a hero? On one hand, he wasn't the only source for information; he did leak information pertaining to a pending investigation to the press; and he did serve time in jail for the illegal surveillance in the 1970s. On the other hand, his credibility and the accuracy of his information did help pull the cover off of one of the great political scandals of our time; he leaked because he knew the administration was actively trying to impede the investigation; and by today's standards the Weather Underground would be considered terrorists, and you'd find few who'd argue that illegal surveillance of terrorists is a terrible thing.
Also, for anyone who's served in the military, you know that not only does the Uniform Code of Military Justice only require you to follow lawful orders, but that they drill it into you that your obligation as an officer or enlisted person is to refuse to obey an unlawful order. Inherent in this implication is that it is the duty of an officer of the United States Armed Forces -- and by extension, an officer of the US government -- to resist an unlawful order. Laws were being broken in Watergate, and the executive branch was illegally impeding the investigation of that crime. To continue covering up the full story would have been, in effect, aiding and abetting the crime. I think Mark Felt lived up to the spirit of the law, if not its letter.
I don't think it's true that Watergate wouldn't have been discovered and Nixon wouldn't have resigned if not for Deep Throat; I think the Washington Post was onto the story and would have eventually gotten it anyway. But I do think Deep Throat hastened the process -- at great professional or even personal risk to himself. Mark Felt saw injustice, and did something about it. For that, I think that despite his flaws, we can elevate him to hero.
Posted by Christopher at 09:46 PM | Comments (2)May 30, 2005
Women Drivers
The two women who, before 2005, were the only women to have raced at Indianapolis Motor Speedway on Memorial Day weekend had problems being taken seriously. Many might have expected the same fate for 23 year old Danica Patrick, especially after the layout she did for FHM magazine ahead of this year's Indy 500.
But anyone who thought Danica Patrick was a made-up, image-building piece of eye candy had better think again. This chick can race.
On Sunday, Patrick became the first woman ever to lead a lap at Indy Importantly, among the laps she led were laps 168-193 out of 200. She almost won the darn thing. She finished 4th, the highest ever finish for a woman and a very impressive finish for a rookie on the circuit.
More impressive than her finish, at least to me, was the way she handled the inevitable questions about her gender at the end of the race. Quite simply, she wasn't having it. It's very clear to see that this person considers herself a race car driver before she thinks of herself as a woman race car driver. And any questioner who tried to reverse that order was quickly and smoothly corrected by Patrick's thoughtful responses.
Asked what it meant that she was the first woman to lead a lap at Indy, she replied that every lap she led meant that she and her team were one lap closer to winning the race. Asked what kind of a statement she'd made by finishing fourth, she responded that she had made the statement that she was a rookie who'd made some rookie mistakes in her first Indy -- stalling out her car in the pits, getting spun out in an accident, and so on -- and that she could only get better. No matter how many reporters tried to take her down the gender path, this poised young woman just wasn't going to go there. She was an Indy car driver, and she'd just keep repeating herself until everyone got it.
You know what kind of impact Patrick can have on open wheel racing? I am a prime example. Yesterday, while picnicing in Pennsylvania with the Doc and Tim families, we boys kept checking the Internet periodically for updates on Danica's position. Tim and Doc have basically the same attitude about car racing that I do: Left turn... left turn... left turn... left turn... left turn... left turn... hey, isn't there something more exciting to watch on the Paint Drying Channel?
But when Danica Patrick took the lead with 32 laps to go yesterday, we boys abandoned the grill, the sunshine, and our Bacardi hurricanes and retreated inside. We wanted to see if she could do it. We wanted her to win, and we were cheering excitedly for her to do it.
Three guys who couldn't care less about racing were glued to the TV to watch Danica race. I suspect we weren't the only ones in that spot yesterday. This is a driver and a person around whom Indy can build for years -- because she's not a token or an oddity. This chick can race.
One last thing... while I am sure there are some who are upset with Patrick's revealing photo spread, I don't have a problem with it. Let's face facts: sex sells. Doesn't matter whether we're talking women or men; we like looking at attractive people. Danica Patrick is a very attractive woman. This is not a crime. Derek Jeter is a good looking man, and his looks are part of the reason that the fourth best shortstop in the game is seen by many as the best. Marquee idols sell more tickets than other athletes. Male or female, no matter the sport, good looking athletes have more fans than average looking ones. Deal with it.
And besides, if the fact that Danica Patrick is hot can get more people to watch Indy car racing, I can't imagine that Danica herself considers that to be a bad thing. She's winning viewers to the sport she loves.
Congratulations, Danica. I'll be watching.
Posted by Christopher at 12:03 PM | Comments (3)May 24, 2005
A Jedi Must Have The Deepest Commitment, The Most Serious Mind
The debates in Kansas and Georgia need no longer be raised; two British Star Wars fans have proven Darwin's theories of survival of the fittest to be utterly and completely correct. No one need look any further for proof of Darwinism than this story:
Two Star Wars fans are in a critical condition in hospital after apparently trying to make light sabres by filling fluorescent light tubes with petrol.A man, aged 20, and a girl of 17 are believed to have been filming a mock duel when they poured fuel into two glass tubes and lit it.
The pair were rushed to hospital after one of the devices exploded in woodland at Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire.
Hopefully their reproductive cells were damaged in the accident... because these two are clearly swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Posted by Christopher at 08:23 PM | Comments (0)May 19, 2005
The St. Jude Institute P.T.A
This might have been the coolest symbolic bird-flipping moment I have seen in a long, long time. Alysha Crosby, senior at the St. Jude Educational Institute, was told in March by a hypocritical and judgemental school administration that she could no longer attend school or participate in graduation ceremonies because she was pregnant, and that represented (their words, not mine) "safety concerns." Of course, the father of her child received no such banishment.
(And I fail to understand this concept of "safety concerns." Whose safety? Women I work with routinely stay at work until the very last moment. Unless St. Jude's is a skydiving school or the curriculum involves handling jackhammers, I'm not seeing how they got away with this one.)
Rather than tuck her tail between her legs and meekly go along with this backwoods, backward moralism, Alysha Crosby showed more dignity, class, and courage at her commencement than any of the adult leadership of that school have possessed their whole lives.
A pregnant student who was banned from graduation at her Roman Catholic high school announced her own name and walked across the stage anyway at the close of the program... "I worked hard throughout high school and I wanted to walk with my class," she said.
I'm not sure of the kids' slang these days, but I believe the correct response in the vernacular is, "You go, girl!" That was the most wonderful, in your hypocritical face display of staring down a bunch of phonies I've heard about since Jeannie C. Riley's momma socked it to the Harper Valley P.T.A. This kid's gonna be just fine. And Alysha, if you ever happen to stop by this little corner of blogtopia, I'm damn proud of you.
Posted by Christopher at 10:04 PM | Comments (2)
